Baby Shower Woes

fruitloop151 · March 2014

This has been on my mind for over a week to the point that every time I start to think about it I cry (don't know if it's cause I'm fed up or just because of hormones) I have no one to vent to, so I apologize in advance for the novel..

Let me preface this by saying that three years ago for my bridal shower, I had requested that my mom have it at her house.. in my mind, I figured that meant it would be low-key and not so stressful for everyone involved in planning it. Honestly, the whole time I planned my entire wedding it was based around the convenience and happiness of everyone else in the wedding (especially my mom) moreso than me. Anyway, I couldn't have been more wrong about the shower.. she turned it into this whole big ordeal. Made my poor stepfather put in a new flooring in her livingroom just to rip it out afterwards. She's all about showing off. And she complained to me for months before and after the shower about planning it and it just made me feel like shit.

A little over a week ago she mentioned to DH that she wants to have my baby shower at her house.. since before I even got pregnant I've wanted to have it at the location where we got married.. I think it would be meaningful to DH and I to celebrate our first child at the same place we became husband and wife. DH mentioned to her that I'd like to have it at this place and she started flipping out saying she doesn't want to pay to have it anywhere.. he and my brother both made some other suggestions to her and from what I was told, it sounds like she is just trying to spend as little money as possible.

This may sound selfish, but I really don't want it at her house.. I don't want her blaming me for having something at her house and causing her stress again, plus my brother, his wifeand his 3 kids (one will be a newborn) will be moving into her house in June and I don't want to have something there because it is taking time away from my nieces and nephew to adjust to living somewhere new. I honestly think my mom just wants to have it at her house to show off (she is currently having her whole house re-done and my brother is paying for it but she doesn't know that I know she isn't footing the bill).. I don't want my baby shower to be all about her and her new stuff. Plus DH really doesn't want to drive almost an hour to her house when we can go 10 minutes from where we live.

It's not about the money.. if someone says they don't have the money for something, I can totally understand. Except that literally every time I go to my parents house, they have some sort of new and expensive thing in the house (new washer & dryer for no reason, new 60" smart tv, etc.). Now, they can spend their money on whatever they want but when it comes to planning their only daughters only baby shower she'll ever have, don't say you don't have the money.. be honest and just say you don't want to spend the money that everyone knows you have. I'm not an idiot.

Anyway, now DH is insisting that we are going to pay to have the shower where we want.. I've said no and that I'll just deal with what my mom decides to do, but he said he's not giving me a choice and thinks it's important to have it where we got married. I don't want to be involved in planning it at all, and now it's just annoying me even more that I am going to be paying for my own shower and still going to have to give creative freedom to my mother and she will take credit for everything, which will just kind of add insult to injury. I'm not even sure where to draw the line.. do I pick the date and book the place myself, or let my mom pick the date and have DH book it so I don't know anything else about it.. I feel so stressed out about something that I don't want to be stressing out over.

I'm sure all of this makes me sound like a spoiled brat, and I promise you that I'm not.. I've just had to make compromises and sacrifices my whole adult life to please my mother, and for once I'd like to not have to do that.

Daisy1232 · March 2014

Wow, it sounds like this situation was kind of inevitable from what happened at your wedding. I have a similar dynamic where my dad tries to control things by paying for them, but only paying for what he wants. I think it depends on what is important to you for your shower. If the shower is a HUGE deal for you, then I do what you wanted. Personally, I just think it's nice that anyone wants to throw me a shower and it isn't a huge life event for me like a wedding would be. I think we focus too much on the wedding and not enough on the marriage and too much on the shower and not enough on the family. NOT saying that you do, just my 2 cents when I hear about baby showers making people upset.

bumpuser10199668 · March 2014

TL;DR But I think the response you're looking for it 'thank you'. Thank your mom for throwing you a shower and be done with it. If you don't want to have it at her house, decline the shower altogether. You can't dictate how others plan or spend their money. Whether it annoys us or not, that's just life.

LadyLawyerTTC · March 2014

I think it's tacky for a family member, especially your mom, to throw you a shower anyway. It looks like you're family is greedy for gifts for you. It would be better if a friend hosted a shower for you. They are the host, they get to pick the location, size of the party, etc. Your job is to be grateful to be honored.

Frogtown Bride-to-Be · March 2014

It's funny how life events can become drama filled - weddings, showers, funerals. It's possible to have more than one shower. Maybe you have a friend who wants to throw one that is more low key and more your style. That might balance the family craziness. I actually did that for one of my good friends recently. Her in-laws were hosting a shower and it was mostly for family. She only invited a few friends when she had a number of others she would have loved to attended. So I ended up having an girls shower for her. We

AnyMax · March 2014

I just can't even with this.

Be grateful someone even wants to throw you a shower. It is not a right, it is a gift. And whoever does throw it has the right to spend their money how they choose.
If you don't like it, decline.

LadyLawyerTTC · March 2014

And paying for a shower to honor youself, that's beyond tacky.

MrsLaLaBug · March 2014

Just say no thank you. Easy peasy.

bumpuser10199668 · March 2014

LadyLawyerTTC said:

I think it's tacky for a family member, especially your mom, to throw you a shower anyway. It looks like you're family is greedy for gifts for you. It would be better if a friend hosted a shower for you. They are the host, they get to pick the location, size of the party, etc. Your job is to be grateful to be honored.

Okay, this is inaccurate.

JustCricket · March 2014

LadyLawyerTTC said:

I think it's tacky for a family member, especially your mom, to throw you a shower anyway. It looks like you're family is greedy for gifts for you. It would be better if a friend hosted a shower for you. They are the host, they get to pick the location, size of the party, etc. Your job is to be grateful to be honored.

I think you're getting bridal and baby showers confused. Bridal showers are supposedly tacky (I don't find it tacky though) if thrown by the mother of the bride... where baby showers are traditionally thrown by close female relatives, ie. mom, MIL

AccioPizza · March 2014

I sympathize that your mom was suh a drama queen about the bridal shower, really. But you need to explain very clearly to your husband just how tacky it is to host your own shower, really. That include him booking it, because it is still about gifts for his child. Do not do this. How about holding the kiddo's first birthday at this venue instead?

Groxb · March 2014

LadyLawyerTTC said:

I think it's tacky for a family member, especially your mom, to throw you a shower anyway. It looks like you're family is greedy for gifts for you. It would be better if a friend hosted a shower for you. They are the host, they get to pick the location, size of the party, etc. Your job is to be grateful to be honored.

@ladylawyerttc - seriously?!

I just can't with this.

Lighten up, people.

mrsdanielleM2010 · March 2014

Tacky: holdng a shower for yourself, not being grateful when others holds shower for you, using a shower as a reason to show off Not tacky: a Mother hosting a shower for her daughter in her home

GlitterMuffin914 · March 2014

Agree with others who say that if your mom is throwing the shower, she makes final decisions about location, design, and budget. You should never ever plan your own shower. If you don't think it's going to be a pleasant experience, gently decline the shower altogether, but be prepared for some hurt feelings, which may or may not be worth it to you.

And for those who jumped on @ladylawyerTTC, she isn't totally incorrect. It's traditional etiquette for immediate family members to not throw showers. It's becoming less of a faux pas now, but some social circles still firmly believe that it's improper to do so, especially in certain parts of the country.

fruitloop151 · March 2014

Never did I say I wanted to show off. I also specifically said I want nothing to do with the shower. Its not that I am ungrateful, its that I don't want soeoje throwing me a shower and then throwing it in my face and making me feel like shit about it. Maybe all of you ladies have this wonderful fairy tale relationship with your mother, but I do not. I wanted yo have it somewhere to make it easier for everyone involved, I didn't realize I was being a selfish bitch by doing so. I'll be sure not to vent about such things in the future as they are obviously not condoned by the bump gods.

JustCricket · March 2014

fruitloop151 said:

Never did I say I wanted to show off. I also specifically said I want nothing to do with the shower. Its not that I am ungrateful, its that I don't want soeoje throwing me a shower and then throwing it in my face and making me feel like shit about it. Maybe all of you ladies have this wonderful fairy tale relationship with your mother, but I do not. I wanted yo have it somewhere to make it easier for everyone involved, I didn't realize I was being a selfish bitch by doing so. I'll be sure not to vent about such things in the future as they are obviously not condoned by the bump gods.

then decline the shower...

mrsdanielleM2010 · March 2014

fruitloop151 said:

Never did I say I wanted to show off. I also specifically said I want nothing to do with the shower. Its not that I am ungrateful, its that I don't want soeoje throwing me a shower and then throwing it in my face and making me feel like shit about it. Maybe all of you ladies have this wonderful fairy tale relationship with your mother, but I do not. I wanted yo have it somewhere to make it easier for everyone involved, I didn't realize I was being a selfish bitch by doing so. I'll be sure not to vent about such things in the future as they are obviously not condoned by the bump gods.

Pretty sure this is aimed at me, so let me clarify: by "show off" I meant your mom and the huge things you say she does when she hosts. Chill.

AnyMax · March 2014

fruitloop151 said:
Never did I say I wanted to show off. I also specifically said I want nothing to do with the shower. Its not that I am ungrateful, its that I don't want soeoje throwing me a shower and then throwing it in my face and making me feel like shit about it. Maybe all of you ladies have this wonderful fairy tale relationship with your mother, but I do not. I wanted yo have it somewhere to make it easier for everyone involved, I didn't realize I was being a selfish bitch by doing so. I'll be sure not to vent about such things in the future as they are obviously not condoned by the bump gods.

@-)

Shayneanee · March 2014

Honey believe it or not this is your baby and shower if you choice to have one. I see where you are coming from with not wanting thrown in your face later. I also planned my wedding and bridal shower, yes that's right I planned my own, to cater others and truthful I hated it. This time around I plan, yes again I said I plan, on making it about the baby not others. My mom and mil are paying for everything but I'm planning it bc I have the time they don't. And you can do what you want to do if your husband wants to pay for the venue let him, tell you mom hey my dh and I will take care of the venue if you still want to throw it then it's one less thing for you or hey mom why don't you help me figure stuff out. Fuck what others say and do what you want in the end you the baby and dh are all that matter. I hope you figure out what you want and don't let others including the ladies on here get you down

bumpuser10199668 · March 2014

fruitloop151 said:

...

This may sound selfish, but I really don't want it at her house.....

I'm sure all of this makes me sound like a spoiled brat, and I promise you that I'm not.. I've just had to make compromises and sacrifices my whole adult life to please my mother, and for once I'd like to not have to do that.

These are your words, not ours. As a matter of fact, I didn't think you sounded selfish or spoiled, just stuck. But then to come back with this...

fruitloop151 said:

I wanted yo have it somewhere to make it easier for everyone involved, I didn't realize I was being a selfish bitch by doing so. I'll be sure not to vent about such things in the future as they are obviously not condoned by the bump gods.

Um. Yes you did. You said it in your OP, whether we agreed or not.

LadyLawyerTTC · March 2014

I agree that if your mother or mother-in-law live out of town, it'd be more appropriate for them to host a shower. Personally I'd be uncomfortable with it for myself, but I would attend a friend's shower that was being hosted by her mother/MIL.

You know your group of friends and the people who will be invited, so if you don't think they'd be bothered by your Mom hosting, then go for it. It sounds like you have bigger issues than the etiquette of who is hosting. Please don't pay for your own shower though. Spend that money on buying yourself the things you want.

Groxb · March 2014

SpoofLeJones said:

Oh hell no.

Spoof! It ain't working! FIXXXX IT!

ETA: Disregard. It was my 'puter. I see grill penis now. Phew.

mrsdanielleM2010 · March 2014

Shayneanee said:

Fuck what others say and do what you want in the end you the baby and dh are all that matter. I hope you figure out what you want and don't let others including the ladies on here get you down

Except she asked for opinions. ETA: double checked. She didn't ask for opinions but did share on a DISCUSSION board.

brittneyandadam · March 2014

So, even if your mom goes ahead and hosts the shower at her house, are you afraid that the guests won't make it all about you and the baby? I mean yeah, your mom is renovating...but the guests will be invited to a BABY SHOWER, not a house warming and will probably act accordingly. Your mom will probably get compliments on her new whatever-she's-working-on, but guaranteed that will be limited to the ppl who have been to her house before.
And for her holding it over your head...who cares? My mom does that too and it may be because she doesn't feel like you appreciated it as much as she thought you would. Who cares who takes creative credit for the shower...i think you're losing site of the whole point of the party in the first place. In the end, she's throwing it to celebrate the baby. This is all about the baby...not you, not your hurt feelings, not your relationship with your mom.
If it bothers you that much, decline her offer. You may have a friend who wants to throw you a shower and will step up. But be prepared for the wrath of mom. And I agree that booking your own shower space is a no-no.
As for your mom's extra money, I'm just gonna throw it out there that she doesn't need your approval to buy new appliances for her home. Ppl often budget for big purchases...and if she does have extra money, she may be saving it for something else that she wants. Your shower is on a different budget. You thinking that you deserve a certain amount of money allocated to your shower is selfish.

Groxb · March 2014

Shayneanee - What is the point of posting on a board if you don't want to hear what other people say?

This thoroughly confuzzles me...

SingleMom31 · March 2014

You know, you don't need to have a baby shower at all if it's causing so much stress. There are a lot of MTBs that don't have someone close enough that can/wants to host one, so they simply don't have one. With my first, a friend offered to host and there were only about 8 women there... It was low key and lovely, but I wouldn't have started planning my own if she hadn't offered. Why don't you take the money that you're suggesting that you spend on one and buy the things that your baby will need for yourself?

chusum · March 2014

IMO if someone is hosting a party for you, unless they ask for opinions it's just your job to show up. If you don't like their taste or don't want them to stress you out about hosting then just decline. It's one thing to pick your wedding venue or birthday party venue if you are throwing it yourself. If you get involved you'll inevitably cause stress for yourself. That's an expensive demand to place on someone. ETA: retread and edited because I don't know how to type in English apparently.

coffee bean · March 2014

Sorry you are going through this and your mom sucks. Agree with others that you should not throw your own. Either deal with the fallout of having it at your mom's, decline or maybe a friend or other relative will offer to throw it. What does your dad think about the situation?

Lord, this makes me appreciate my mom. I have friends whose moms are "everything is about me." Can't wrap my head around it.

Emmy916 · March 2014

Honestly if it's going to cause so much stress and attitude, I'd not have her plan it. Do you have any friends? Sister-in-laws? Cousins? Who would be willing to help plan something

MBano · March 2014

Be grateful that you have a mother who wants to throw you one, despite her hidden agenda. I haven't told my mother about my pregnancy, the last time I was preggers, I told her and she told me bc I'm not married, that the baby is illegitimate and to have an abortion (it ended in a miscarriage at 9wks) - that being said, I don't have anyone to throw a baby shower for me or to buy me gifts, other than SO... Just be thankful you're in the position of someone wanting to do this for you.

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