So, my kids don't want any more siblings..

JWinCT · March 2014

Because we're still in the very beginning stages (haven't gotten anywhere beyond filing out the initial paperwork), we haven't mentioned anything to really anyone about our plans to adopt through DCF. But, we've been randomly asking our kids (almost 5 and almost 7) if they'd want a little brother or sister. We pretty consistently get an instant, "No!" Though our youngest did say the other day she would like a little brother when asked, but usually both of their answers are no and they'd don't have a reason other than they don't want one.

I know they're young, but I don't know how to feel about this. I know the CW will interview the kids and ask them how they feel about adopting a sibling and chances are the kids will tell the CW the same thing. It kind of worries me for various reasons.

Has anyone experienced this at all?

Lacyj67 · March 2014

I would maybe try to buy a kid friendly adoption book with a story and start reading it to them maybe it can explain what it could be like having a brother or sister from adoption and a book is a good way to introduce that to them.

Dr.Loretta · March 2014

Did you specifically ask them about adopting, or just if they wanted a sibling?

CaptainSerious · March 2014

We didn't encounter this when we adopted our second son, but we do now (we aren't planning on adding to our family).

Have your kids expressed any reasons they don't want any more siblings? If they have mentioned any specific concerns, I'd address them directly and clearly. If they are afraid of sharing their toys or rooms, talk to them about their fears, tell them how you see it working out, and be receptive to their follow-ups.

Mostly, though, I think some kids are afraid of change in general. Perhaps your oldest feels that his/her undivided attention is already spread thin with a younger sibling, and is afraid of having even less one-on-one time with you; chances are (s)he'll never be able to express that. So it's up to you to paint a picture of how it's going to be with a new sibling and fill in as many blanks as you can. Don't just talk about the good things, tell them that the new child may get more attention initially, talk about rooming arrangements, and discuss how things will change/remain the same around the home.

Kids don't always have the best grasp of such huge life changes, and I'm not usually a fan of asking permission to add to the family, but if you are at all thinking of bringing an older (and therefore traumatized) child into your home, I think it's necessary for the whole family, including children to be on the same page. They may not be able to understand the whole picture, but they deserve to know the basics and how it might affect the whole family dynamic before everyone's lives are spun out into a (hopefully temporary) tailspin.

JWinCT · March 2014

We have specifically mentioned adoption during most of these conversations. We're kind of afraid to say too much to them just yet because we are waiting until after our first home visit to let people in on our plans. And they are kids, so once they know, the world will know.

We aren't asking their permission, but we do want to know what their feelings are about it. We will have to take a different approach, as you suggested. We are looking to adopt a child younger than our youngest, and we completely understand the impact of adopting a possibly traumatized "older" child would be much different than adopting a baby.

Thank you!

CaptainSerious · March 2014

JanAndShawn I'd like to clear up what I meant by "older (and therefore traumatized)."

In adoption, the term "older child" is used to describe any child that's not an infant at the time of their adoption. The reason it's used this way is that any child who is in need of a family has experienced trauma in their lives, even if that trauma is just the loss/death of their parents. Any child who knows what it's like to live with their parents and then lose them will have experienced hurt and will encounter emotions that will surface during the bonding period and likely throughout life. Similarly, of course, will any child that has lived in foster care or who has been institutionalized.

When I use the term "traumatized," I use as some others in the field use "hurt," to indicate that the child will likely have deep hurts that they will have to overcome when joining a family and learning to trust close relationships again.

You mentioned your youngest is 5, and that you plan to adopt a child younger. Children as young as toddlers typically experience the patterns I'm referring to. Good books that address this are Parenting the Hurt Child and Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families.

CeCe8579 · March 2014

Excellent information, @CaptainSerious

Thank you!

msditz00 · March 2014

As usual, Captain Serious is spot on. We took in a 2.5 year old relative and there were many issues. People assume that "under 3" means they pretty much have a clean slate, but that really is not the case. Kids develop attachments at a young age, and a lack of attachment or a lack of a stable attachment can be a huge challenge to overcome.

Best of luck. By your SN I assume you are in CT. I am, too. We are a pre-adoptive home through DCF, right now we have twins that we brought home straight from the hospital.

JWinCT · March 2014

Thank you so much for the information! We completely understand that even very young children in these situations have issues. My husband and his younger siblings were in the system when they were kids, so has has kind of an "inside awareness" that I could never possibly understand. His experience is why it's important for us to do this and we are ready to face whatever challenges may come with the child that is ultimately matched with us (if we are blessed enough to be matched to a child).

msditz00 - Yes, we are in CT. I think it's wonderful that you are a pre-adoptive home. Such a wonderful thing to do. I hope those twins are matched with wonderful adoptive parents.

Hey look, they finally changed my screen name. I requested the change a while ago and I didn't think they'd ever do it.

msditz00 · March 2014

JW - preadoptive means if they become available we will be considered for them.

Good luck getting licensed in CT, it can be quite the test of patience! It took us 1.5 years instead of the 7-9 months we were told.

JWinCT · March 2014

msditz00 said:

JW - preadoptive means if they become available we will be considered for them.
Good luck getting licensed in CT, it can be quite the test of patience! It took us 1.5 years instead of the 7-9 months we were told.

I'm so sorry I misunderstood! That's so wonderful - good luck!

It's so disheartening to hear how long it takes to get licensed, but I understand that they are so understaffed. What county are you in? We are in Hartford county. From the time you were licensed, how long did it take for you to get matched?

Honestly, at this point, I feel like it's never going to happen, with the amount of time it takes to just get licensed and then the fact that you have to basically hope and pray that you're chosen as a match.

On another note...

Tonight, I chose to read the book The Sea Chest to my girls at bedtime, which is a story about adoption. The author, Toni Buzzeo, visited my daughter's school last year and I blindly chose this book to buy and have her sign, not realizing it was about adoption when I chose it from the list. I can't get through it without crying and my kids were laughing at me, but I explained to them why the book made me cry. And then we talked about adoption and some of the circumstances surrounding why kids need to be adopted. And my kids agreed that it would be good for a kid that needs a family to be adopted and I asked them if they would like us to adopt a little boy or girl to be their little brother or sister and they said yes, they would like to make a kid happy by being his or her big sisters, etc. It was such a nice conversation. I seriously don't now how I didn't bawl through the entire thing. I have a difficult time finishing that book to begin with, never mind talking to my children about adopting a child.

CaptainSerious · March 2014

How emotional that must have been. I'm glad your children realize, at least on a cerebral level why you are pursuing this path. Please be prepared for their behavior to waiver as the reality sets in, as is typical with all children. Today was J's second adoption day, and even though he and M are best friends, M still had a hard time with it. To this day, 4 years after joining our family, he still has a hard time with the idea that we love someone else as much, but not more, than we love him.

As for the rest of it, there are many delays in the system that are due to overworked and understaffed systems. Some are the result of ridiculous regulations instituted in the wake of better systems by which to evaluate families. But all of which hope to protect the little ones who have already suffered so much already. I often lost sight of that during our process, especially when it seemed the questions we were asked were I intrusive, redundant, and worst of all, superfluous. It made me so angry, and still does, that children had to wait while we all wasted time so everyone could cover their arses. But on truth, I 'm not sure I could design a better system to make sure that the folks who make it through will really fight for their children.

I don't mean to sound dismissive, so please, please don't take it that way. Please, if you haven't yet, read some of the books recommended for those adopting older children. I realize that your husband was in the system and has personal experience, but the way it will impact your family may be entirely new to you. I wanted to believe that I wouldn't be wracked by loss, because I never wanted biological children, but loss is my reality. My children's pain has become mine, as I try to lift as much of it off their shoulders as possible. Also, I mourn the ease of raising neurotypical children, in that I often wonder how much easier it would be and what futures we might be preparing for in a different reality. All of this, plus raising children who have lost important people will present new challenges, and there are unconventional parenting techniques that may help you bridge the gap if you can implement them. At the risk of sounding disrespectful, and hoping you can take my advice from the place of concern it's coming, your husband will surely be able to tell you what these children may be feeling, but living it as a parent is different than as a child, and I truly believe there is a lot of wisdom to be gained from some of the books in the FAQs.

CaptainSerious · March 2014

Since you don't know me and I've posted a lot of difficult things in this thread, I also want to let you know that my boys are the most amazing gift I have ever been blessed with. We entered the world of adoption, hoping to give a child that might not otherwise find a home a family, and M tugged at our hearts. His needs turned out to be greater than we knew at the time, but I believe God withheld what he needed to at the time so we would be united with out son forever. M is the most brave, strong, resilient, loving, loyal, and amazing person I've ever met, and he holds my heart in his every breath.

While we were in-country adopting M, we also met J. It shocked both my husband and I, because J was just the child we thought we were looking for. He captivated is to the point we felt guilty, because we were there to adopt M. In fact, we had passed J over on a list of available children previously, because we weren't sure we could deal with his needs. After meeting him, however, and realizing (several months after we were home) that we both felt the same, we knew he had to be our son, also. We believe God had a hand in it all, and we shied away fromJ when we saw him on the list so we could be led to M first, and they could both become our sons. We believe it was all meant to be, and my only regret is the two two extra years J had to spend without us.

J is funny, silky, smart as a whip, delightful, strong, and my delight. Both these boys comprise my world.

I know I sound a lot of alarms, but it's not to scare you away in the slightest bit. It's just that the adjustment period is achingly hard, and I want you and your family to be prepared. Their hurts may never go away, but when we love them and understand, we can soothe their pains and set them on paths of healing.

lorifromwi · March 2014

@JWinCT - thank you for your post about your conversation with your daughters. It was just heartwarming.

JWinCT · March 2014

Thank you so much for all your advice and wonderful stories! I get so emotional reading them.

I expect this to be difficult, but I'm sure I can't begin to imagine how difficult it will actually be. I truly appreciate everything you guys are telling me and I know you're not trying to scare me, just trying to prepare us. I appreciate how candid you are and that's exactly what I want. I don't want any of this to be sugar-coated at all. So, thank you, thank you, thank you!

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