Does my kid hate me?

littlestjerry · March 2014

I need guidance or commiseration or something. For reference, DS is 2.5 He is SO stubborn for us, it's unbelievable. I feel like all the parenting techniques I try fail with him. For example, he has never, not once, cooperatively brushed his teeth. We've tried all the stuff I see on here; he gets a turn, he picks out the toothbrush, he watches us brush our teeth. It doesn't matter. For awhile, it was literally a two person job...I held him down, while DH brushed. Now, he'll let us brush kind of, but won't let us do a good job.

I do the 123 thing and he doesn't care. He'll do something bad, I'll put him in timeout, he'll fake cry in timeout, I'll let him out, he'll smile with glee and go RIGHT back to the bad behavior. He just doesn't care. He will not do anything that isn't his idea. If he wants to wash his hands before dinner, it's all good, but if it's our idea, all hell breaks loose. He dead bodies himself, screams, cries....it's just, everything is a big fight. Every. damn. thing.

He's a perfect angel at daycare and for my MIL, my mom, babysitters, etc. His teacher said she almost never has to correct his behavior. Does he hate me? If so, why?

Note: I know he doesn't hate me. It's tongue in cheek. Although sometimes I'm not entirely certain he doesn't.

jesuisfatiguee · March 2014

He just feels more comfortable around you because you're his mom and he knows he doesn't have to woo you for you to love him.

This is really easy for me to say with my 1 year old.

FrickandFrack · March 2014

DS1 was an angel until he hit 3. 3 was BAD and 4 has been a little bit better. It's so frustrating having to fight when asking him to do ANYTHING. I feel your pain.

FrickandFrack · March 2014

DS1 was an angel until he hit 3. 3 was BAD and 4 has been a little bit better. It's so frustrating having to fight when asking him to do ANYTHING. I feel your pain.

FrickandFrack · March 2014

DS1 was an angel until he hit 3. 3 was BAD and 4 has been a little bit better. It's so frustrating having to fight when asking him to do ANYTHING. I feel your pain.

littlestjerry · March 2014

This is what terrifies me! Everyone says 3 is worse than 2, and I feel like, if he gets worse, I will seriously go off the deep end. And we're contemplating baby #2, but I'm so frustrated by his behavior that I'm scared to have another.

Reagan1010 · March 2014

DS went through a similar phase right around the time he turned 3 (he will be 4 in 3 weeks). Unfortunately it lasted for a good 6-7 months. He fought us on everything! Physical time outs have never really worked well with him, but we found putting his favorite toys in time out for longer periods of time did. He would lose his bike in the morning and then have to earn it back. If he would start fighting us about hand washing or eating lunch, we would just remind him that he was working towards getting his bike back. Sometimes his toys would be in time out for a few hours, and other times they would be in time outs for days.

We just tried to be consistent and we drank a lot of drinks at bedtime

Also, DH and I would tag team it. There were times when I felt like I was going to lose it, so DH would take DS to the gym or outside to play giving me some down time. I would do the same for DH too.

Hang in there! I wanted to add that DS only did this for us. For friends, family and teachers he was an angel. Everyone commented on how well behaved he was. He feels safe to challenge boundaries with us.

Reagan1010 · March 2014

Burp

Reagan1010 · March 2014

Little Jerry said:
This is what terrifies me! Everyone says 3 is worse than 2, and I feel like, if he gets worse, I will seriously go off the deep end. And we're contemplating baby #2, but I'm so frustrated by his behavior that I'm scared to have another.

**stuck in quote box**

DH and I have been trying for #2 for 6 months. I was terrified when we started because I didn't know if mentally I could do it, but they do grow out of it. DS still has his moments, but it's not the constant fight over EVERYTHING anymore. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Now, if only I could get knocked up

littlestjerry · March 2014

That's the problem, I feel like he has no currency. It seems like there is no punishment that phases him. I mean, he'll get upset about time out or losing a toy, but it doesn't modify his future behavior. Maybe I just need to keep trying new things, but what?

littlestjerry · March 2014

We do ignore some tantrums, but I feel like if we ignore the toothbrush fight and stuff like that, then he wins, you know what I mean? Like, I'm afraid of teaching him that if he tantrums hard enough, he can get out of important shit like brushing his teeth. Am I looking at that kind of stuff the wrong way?

We do try really hard to praise him when he's being good, but I can't tell if he cares about the praise or not.

Ugh, parenting is hard!!

ferris0906 · March 2014

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing in ignoring the behaviors you can (like throwing tantrums over small things) and trying to positively reward the things that need to get done like teeth brushing.

The other thing to think about is consistency. He needs these oh-so-terrible things like teeth brushing to be a routine over a long period of time. If he's only 2.5 years old, nothing is too much or a routine because he simply has not been around that long. It sounds like this is exactly what you are doing, so I think you should simply keep it up.

On a side note, I teach middle schoolers, and I marvel every day how similar their behaviors, motivations, and needs are. I try to be a no-nonsense-nurturer/calm-demander both at home and work. Some days are inevitably more successful than others.

vandelay · March 2014

The toothbrushing thing has been miserable for us forever, and is finally getting better as Ivy approaches 4. It sounds like you are using the right approaches. I think 2 - 4 year olds are just assholes (albeit cute assholes).

littlestjerry · March 2014

Haha, yes, such assholes!!! I ask DH all the time, "Why is he so MEAN?!" At least he's adorable.

nanabanana06 · March 2014

Honestly, you described my 3 year old. It's been a constant struggle for us over the last year. We make some progress and then she reverts. I pray that 4 is better. Right now everything for us is about being the boss and in control. She has to do everything herself and has to be in control of her surroundings. We've found giving incentives like going to the zoo, swimming class, and seeing people for good behavior works. As well as giving choices. Things like breakfasts foods, clothes, ect are all good things to give him control over. Instead of telling him what to do we poise the choice like "You can brush your teeth and get a story or not brush your teeth and get no story". Plus positive reinforcement is pretty good. We just started an "Awesome Chart". When we catch Rosie doing good behavior she gets a sticker on the chart. When she fills up a section she gets a special treat (we give out Pokedolls for good behavior).

TiffanyBerry · March 2014

If he won't wash his hands before dinner... well, dinner can't start until he washes his hands. He can choose whether or not to wash them, but he can't come to the table for food until he does. As mentioned - don't battle, don't engage, just give him the choice and let whatever happens, happen. (Yes, that means he might be so hell-bent on not washing his hands that he goes to bed without food. That was his choice to make, though.)

For teeth brushing, we let DD watch a show on the iPad while she, and then I, brush and floss. It eliminated all of the fuss. After two years of that, now she brushes in front of the iPad, then has to come to the sink while I brush (so she can spit while brushing and not swallow the toothpaste), but then goes back to the iPad after that 1 minute of brushing, and then I do the floss.

I think of a lot of things as "prerequisites". Don't wash your hands? Can't have dinner yet. Not cooperating brushing your teeth? Can't leave the bathroom (or chair or whatever) yet (yes, it could take an hour; doesn't matter). Won't stop screaming? Can't be in the same room with me. There is almost always a way to make something their choice (though sometimes you have to get really creative).

littlestjerry · March 2014

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to see if he has any interest in a positive reward chart system. @JerseySprouts, I love that crappy pictures site. So funny!

littlestjerry · March 2014

@fredalina, love that mistaken goals chart, thanks!

outnumbered · March 2014

Little Jerry said:

We do ignore some tantrums, but I feel like if we ignore the toothbrush fight and stuff like that, then he wins, you know what I mean? Like, I'm afraid of teaching him that if he tantrums hard enough, he can get out of important shit like brushing his teeth. Am I looking at that kind of stuff the wrong way?

We do try really hard to praise him when he's being good, but I can't tell if he cares about the praise or not.

Ugh, parenting is hard!!

It is hard. Mbenit has good points, as you start fighting with him he has won. Even over the brushing. He has gained the power the moment you engage in a power struggle. Negative attention is still attention. My husband still has trouble with this, he argues with my 7 year old. I keep telling him to walk away. Instead he argues with him because he wants to prove he is in charge, but in reality my 7 year old has the power. You have received some great suggestions about rewarding positive behavior. good luck. This stuff is hard.

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