Separation Anxiety and Hysterics - Long

kregan2@hotmail.com · February 2014

Here's the situation and hopefully someone will come up with an idea or two that we haven't thought of or heard of (and we've heard of a TON of them). My two year old recently started at a preschool/childcare center. We wanted to give her some socialization, get her used to a more structured setting, and also give me some time to rest and get ready for the baby, as well as have time when he's born to rest as well. The center is wonderful, the people there highly qualified.

She's been at home with me since birth, hasn't had a ton of babysitters but I have left her with grandma and aunts and at the Learn and Play at the YMCA while I worked out, so she has experience with some separation. She is enrolled in three days a week. It's all day, but we can pick her up anytime we want. The first week went wonderfully - she was excited and couldn't wait to go. The second week was about the same, although on Valentine's Day the teacher did call to say that she was a little sad and anxious after nap time, but no crying or anything, just sort of subdued. I am pregnant with our second, due in six weeks (which is why we started this 2 months or so before he is born). On the next Monday, we all got up together and my husband dropped me off at our doctor's appt. (prior to this, our daughter went with us because we have moved to a new state in October and haven't really found a good babysitter or anyone to watch her yet) and then dropped her off at preschool. She was fine that morning - excited to go see her teachers and friends, just like always, and I told her that Mommy would pick her up, etc. I got another call from her teacher that afternoon and she told me that our daughter was very anxious, crying more, and kept asking for mommy. I went and picked her up a little earlier than normal, which was fine for me. Anyway, since that day she has been HYSTERICAL at the idea. She cried when dad drops her off. She cries when she hears she has school. She cries anytime she is away from me now, including being with her father. She is more fearful at things that she used to love to do. Her sleeping is now horrible at night (and it wasn't great before) including at the worst 2 hours of on and off yelling and crying. For awhile, we thought she'd lose her voice she was crying and screaming so much. All she wants is me.

We've talked with the staff - nothing big happened at the school that might have scared or traumatized her. She went from being the brave little girl who got all the other kids to go down the little slide when they went swimming to being the terrified, hysterical, crying girl who needs her mommy ALL. THE. TIME. We know she's had a lot to adjust to and so we tried to take things slow, we've adjusted the day to be only a half day, etc. but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe we should just do this at a later date. I know she's picking up on our worries and conversations about it, no matter how hard we try not to let her see it. Today, when I picked her up (after her teacher called me again and said she hadn't stopped crying hysterically after an hour and a half) even the teacher was near tears she was so concerned about our daughter. I'm concerned as well that it'll get even worse after the baby comes and she has to adjust to that as well. I still have six weeks until my due date, but I'm anticipating that he'll come early-ish (like my daughter did).

Does anyone have any ideas? Would you go ahead and just pull your kid out?

ashiscute · February 2014

You will probably not like my answer but I would not put a 2 yo in a full day preschool if I didn't have to. My DD just started preschool when she turned 3 and I was not ready for her to go and it's only 3 hours. I think that's a long time to be away from your mother at that age if she's not used to it.

It sounds like you moved to a new area/house, put her in school, and are about to have a baby in a fairly short amount of time which is a lot for her to adjust to. She may be afraid that the new baby is going to replace her or that she's being sent away for the new baby.

While I agree socialization is very important at that age I don't think it needs to be in that structured of a setting. I would look for maybe a place that offers two days per week for 2- 3 hours at a time instead of a full or even half day. But honestly, when my DD was 2 she was home with me. We socialized with playgroups, story times, and by going to the museum and zoo. And she was 19.5 mos when DS was born. I had them both at home with me and she did fine. She was happy to start preschool at 3 because she was ready. At 2, I'm not sure she would have been. Hopefully, this is somewhat helpful and not too rambling.

kregan2@hotmail.com · February 2014

We actually did look for a place that had shorter hours and I'm not against having her home with me and the new baby at all (although I think my husband is convinced I will collapse from exhaustion and no be able to handle it - he tends to overworry a bit LOL)...but there wasn't anyplace that HAD shorter hours in a setting we really liked. I don't mind your answer at all - the way she is reacting (after an initial awesome start and now anxiety and it's bleeding into everything else) that's sort of how I'm leaning. But I think my husband is still convinced it will work out. And it probably will - kids eventually just get through things, regardless. I'm just so glad you actually responded!

kmm2150 · February 2014

To give another perspective, my DD (2) has been in daycare full time since she was an infant and loves it, has learned so much and we are 100% happy - BUT transition and change can interior things and I think that's what's happening with your LO. Recently I had surgery and was in the hospital for several days. DD stayed with my parents some, our routine is different now, she knows mommy had an owie and had to go to the dr etc, so now my independent girl is clingy and tearful at drop off, and my awesome sleeper is crying at bedtime.

You're having a baby, you've moved, started her at preschool - that is a lot and I think it's totally normal that she's having a hard time. I think, if you have any hope of continuing to send her to preschool once the baby comes, you should stick it out now. Be super consistent with routine, talk talk talk about what's happening and what she can expect around her, reassure her in a positive way (without planting new fears in her mind), and I think she'll settle into a routine.

unaveragejane · March 2014

I haven't experienced this first-hand yet, but I read an article in Parents or Parenting last year about a mom who did. Her 2 or 3 year old had been going to daycare for months or years, but she suddenly stopped STTN and got very clingy. The mom finally was able to figure out that her daughter was stressed out b/c she had no idea where her mom was all day when they were apart. Once she went to work with the mom, saw the office, met coworkers, etc, her fears were alleviated and everything went back to normal. Is there any chance that she's just worried about you now that she can't keep an eye on you all the time?

TiffanyBerry · March 2014

Have you tried staying with her at school? I know it won't be possible to do it as long as I did with DD in her preschool (which is only two hours a day!) But I stayed with her that whole two hours for half the year. Then I left after half of it. Heck, nearly two years later, I still stay for 10 minutes before leaving. It helps her adjust to being in the less comfortable environment.

Also, you said you adjusted to half days, but do you now pick her up BEFORE nap time, so she doesn't have to nap in a strange place and wake up in a strange place?

jamieandwill · March 2014

Your post is old, but i'll answer anyway.

DS was in daycare since 12 weeks old, and had normal separation anxiety (cried a little at drop off but was fine after). Then, suddenly after moving to a new class he did everything you described and got very clingy and needy, started waking up at night, etc. He couldn't talk really (he was about 21 mos old and not super verbal), but I just sensed something was wrong. Everyone said it was just due to the change but something just told me it was more. Trust your mommy instinct. We pulled him out of his daycare after a couple of red flags and put him in a new one.

He LOVED his new school from day 1 and ALL separation anxiety vanished. Today was Saturday and he went to the door and said "School!" I had to let him down and tell him he couldn't go to school today. . .so it wasn't just separation anxiety, he was telling me something was wrong.

anyway, if your child is suddenly communicating with you that something is wrong, and if your gut tells you something is off, look into it and don't blow it off. There are a lot of good schools out there but there are also some bad ones. Consider switching schools. Not all daycares are created equal. Check out montessori too.

AggieBeth06 · March 2014

jamieandwill said:

Your post is old, but i'll answer anyway.

DS was in daycare since 12 weeks old, and had normal separation anxiety (cried a little at drop off but was fine after). Then, suddenly after moving to a new class he did everything you described and got very clingy and needy, started waking up at night, etc. He couldn't talk really (he was about 21 mos old and not super verbal), but I just sensed something was wrong. Everyone said it was just due to the change but something just told me it was more. Trust your mommy instinct. We pulled him out of his daycare after a couple of red flags and put him in a new one.

He LOVED his new school from day 1 and ALL separation anxiety vanished. Today was Saturday and he went to the door and said "School!" I had to let him down and tell him he couldn't go to school today. . .so it wasn't just separation anxiety, he was telling me something was wrong.

anyway, if your child is suddenly communicating with you that something is wrong, and if your gut tells you something is off, look into it and don't blow it off. There are a lot of good schools out there but there are also some bad ones. Consider switching schools. Not all daycares are created equal. Check out montessori too.

ITA. At one point with DS, he was in 2 schools last year. He cried and was super clingy (but not for long after I left) with one but LOVED the other. Turns out he was treated differently at the one school because he has food allergies and they were terrified about exposing him. I think he picked up on their anxiety and he wasn't as comfortable as he was in the other school.

Your DD is probably feeling the anxiety of the teacher at this point and doesn't feel like it's a warm and accepting place for her. I may be making assumptions by saying that... but it's what I can perceive from what you wrote.

If you can consider other childcare options, I would. She is also old enough to be involved in the decisions. Take her on a tour and ask her which place she likes best.

At this point, she has learned that if she cries long enough, she will get what she wants. The behavior that you don't want has been rewarded (although I can understand why - this is not a judgment). I find it helpful with DS to flip those situations on their head when they happen.

I think at some point prior to Kindergarten, it is important for them to learn social skills. A few hours a couple times a week is reasonable and she will be better for it in the long run. However, there is a ton of change going on in her environment right now and really only you and your DH know what is right for her.

Separation Anxiety and Hysterics - Long

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