Non-concensual Vasectomy

kdgs2992 · March 2014

I was sure where to put this... My husband has just made me aware of his discussion to get a Vasectomy. I don't want him to cause I want more kids. But he's says I have no choice in the matter. How do I cope with this?

myatala · March 2014

I'd ask him to articulate his reasons for being done, in case they're something you guys can work through. It's unfair for him to just shut down discussion.

If he won't discuss, maybe try a discussion with a mediator to facilitate things so you can both feel you've been heard and hopefully come to an agreement you both can live with.

yeah. · March 2014

Well, I would have had this conversation before getting married...

dufferoo · March 2014

Well on one hand I feel like it's his body therefore it really is his choice, the same way I feel about a woman having an abortion... But on the other hand, your husband's attitude doen't seem very appropriate for a healthy marriage. If he really won't just talk about this with you, I think marriage counseling would be the only option for "coping." Sorry you are going through this

usarmywifetso · March 2014

Have you discussed the number of kids you both wanted before he made this decision? DH and I have always talked about having 2 kids (we currently have 1) so if he just came up to me one day and said he was getting a vasectomy and I had no say in it, I would be extremely upset. However, if you've discussed it before and you have the number of children you had talked about, there probably isn't much you can do to change his mind. This is definitely a conversation you need to have with your DH. As PPs have said, ask what made him make this decision. While it is his body so he ultimately has final say, I think it's extremely unfair of him to make a major life decision that also effects you without discussing it with you first. Also as PPs have said, if you can't have the discussion on your own, seek out a counselor ASAP. This is a serious decision that warrants a serious discussion.

cautionwillburneyes · March 2014

When my ex-husband wanted a vasectomy, I had to sign a release stating that I knew about it and it was ok for the procedure to take place. You don't have to give consent if you don't want to.

Unknown · March 2014

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Unknown · March 2014

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sschwege · March 2014

LalaMama81 said:

cautionwillburneyes said:

When my ex-husband wanted a vasectomy, I had to sign a release stating that I knew about it and it was ok for the procedure to take place. You don't have to give consent if you don't want to.

That's absolutely ridiculous. I have never heard of this - is it common - anyone know?

I would refuse on principle and if a doctor won't perform one b/c a spouse didn't sign off, I'd find a new doctor.

My mom said she had to sign something for my dad's, though that was 30 years ago...

cautionwillburneyes · March 2014

My brother's ex-wife had to sign for permission also (before they were divorced). That was a few years back, but I'm pretty sure things have not changed here.

*LrCg* · March 2014

My DH wants one but Im against it. We are done having children after I give birth. However I explained to him that my concern is we are in our early to mid thirties and will have 4 children 5 years and younger and if something should happen to me given the young ages of our kids he would have to remarry and its possible if he married someone younger and she would want kids that if he was "fixed" it would be a deal breaker. Of course he thinks this is crazy talk but in many months of go arounds I make a valid point. We have agreed that he could get it done 10 years from now. In the meantime I'm researching what method of birth control is best for me.

I think since you both are not in agreement to more children, offer that you will take a reliable form of birth control so that in a few years you can readdress the issue. Its possible you or your DH may have changed your minds. Although some types of vasectomies are reversible there is no guarentee and its very costly to do.