spending the night?!?

JonandJennifer · February 2014

At what age did you let your little one spend the night away from home? I am dealing with some pressure from the inlaws. And the bad part is my husband is starting to weigh in on their side. My daughter just turned two in December. Here's the thing they have no set up for her and I refuse to let them co sleep with her. They have three dogs that also sleep in the bed with them and their great nephew who is always over there (don't get me started on that mess) who sleeps in the bed too. They have sleep issues with him and their dogs bark at every little thing. Its a sleeping disaster if you ask me. Not to mention my FIL just got out of rehab for his pain med addiction. Don't get me wrong he would never hurt her or has ever shown any signs of aggressive behavior, but my concern is his meds and how responsible he is at keeping those pill bottles away from her reach. To sum it up I just don't get the warm and fuzzies about her staying over and basically don't get the point of a two year old having a sleep over?!? Any advice and any advice on letting go for down the road?!?

JonandJennifer · February 2014

Oh yeah and they don't have baby gates and sleep upstairs. So you can imagine my insecurities with that.

TIA

RachieTK · February 2014

I think your reasons are more the issue than your DDs age. Those issues sound like they'll be troubling for a while, especially the pill bottles. While DS has never stayed away from us, I'd "allow" it with my parents, but not my ILs(DH is on the same page as I am)

JENandJEH · February 2014

DS1 was 3 months when he stayed overnight with my ILs and has spent between 1-5 nights with them every 6 months since then (he will be 6 in 2 months). DS2 spent the night with ILs around 8 months and stays at least 1 night with them whenever we visit with his brother. DS1 was in a pack n play until he was 3 when he stayed over and DS2 is still in a pack n play so I'm not concerned with him roaming at night. They know that we do not allow our kids to sleep in the bed with us and I'm not at all worried that they would go behind our backs and do that.

The no baby gates wouldn't bother me but both of my boys mastered stairs around 15 months. The other issues sound more legitimate and I would have an honest talk with DH about it and suggest that if they made some changes/cleaned things up, you would be more likely to consider it.

I think it's nice for kids to have special times with their grandparents, even 2 year olds. Plus, I think we often are too hard on grandparents and get upset that they "expect" so much time with our LOs when in reality, they love them dearly and just want to have fun and special times with them. They don't get to love on them all the time like we do. Each child is different, but for my kids, I'm thankful that they love to have sleepovers with their grandparents and they aren't afraid to be away from us overnight!

sunnyday016 · February 2014

DD started having sleep overs at my parents' house around age 2-3, but given all you just shared about your inlaws, I would definitely NOT be comfortable with that situation. Like..ever.

dairygirl19 · February 2014

My 2 year old is just starting to get into sleep overs for "fun" at my inlaws or her cousins. However, I love them and their houses are safe.

In your case, my response would be "never" and there's not much I get worked about.

law&order · February 2014

DS started staying overnight with my parents before 2- probably 20 mos. They are getting ready to take him on a weekend trip in their Airstream soon. However, I trust them, sleeping arrangements are appropriate, no one just got out of rehab, and their house is safe.

With the situation you've outlined, no, I'd never send my 2.5yo there.

JonandJennifer · February 2014

Well its just so unsettling to me. I trust my parents, who are divorced BTW, have significant others, and have their own houses more than I ever would trust his parents. They just don't enforce any kind of structure. I.e. bedtime(with their great nephew who stays often), sweets. Not that I'm not flexible but I don't want to get an angry ill child back. And don't get me wrong my mother in law is as sweet as she can be. She certainly has been through the ringer with my fil as he made a very selfish move after his knee replacement surgery. Just FYI-- protect your loved ones from over prescribing doctors. Its the doctors that don't get any repercussion for their actions and your loved on that battles an addiction due to real pain that he/she experienced. Its really sad because if it werent for that she would have spent the night by now. I may give him 6 months to gain my trust. I just would have a hard time letting my DD spend the night with one of my parents and not have them expecting a turn. My husband is dying for a night out. Doesn't he know that we have a child now and our time staying out all night is over?? Lol wink wink!

Xath · February 2014

DS1 spent overnight time with my parents at 7 months. But I agree with PP; the issues you're describing have more to do with specific trust issues. Age isn't the main factor there.

blu-eyedwife · February 2014

My son is two and still hasn't spent the night at either of our parents' homes. And probably won't for a very very long time - if ever. If you have concerns, it's not always about age.

SusieBW · February 2014

Yeah, my DD has been sleeping over at my parents' house, my in-laws' house and DH's aunt's house, without us, since she was a couple of months old. Pretty much once she was sleeping through the night, sleep overs were fair game.

In your case, I agree with PPs that it's not about how old your Daughter is, it's about the living situation at your ILs house. I think you should have a talk with your H about all of the issues that you raised here and maybe if those concerns could be addressed, it might be a possibility. Do you have a PnP that you could leave with them for the night so she would have a place to sleep, for example?

ashiscute · February 2014

My DD was 16 mos when she first had a sleepover at my parents house and maybe 19 mos at my in-laws. When DS was born she spent one night with each while I was in the hospital. DS is 17 mos and has yet to sleep anywhere but he is much more difficult.

Based on your situation I would try to think of a compromise. Maybe your MIL could watch her at your house first for a night and you and your DH could get a hotel? If she'd sleep in a pac n play consider bringing one for her. Do your ILs have more than 1 bed? My MIL will co sleep with my DD in a guest room and FIL stays in their bed. Is that an option? And, if you really aren't comfortable with it than put your foot down and they'll deal.

JonandJennifer · February 2014

The problem with a pack and play is her length and the fact she's been in a toddler bed since she was 18 months. They do not have an extra bed that I'm aware of. But I would allow my mil to cosleep with her, just not her, her husband, her nephew and their three dogs. Just way too much going on. We may just do the night away where she stays here. We have dogs too so she could watch the dogs for us as well. That might be an easier approach.

Thanks for all of the advice and support this has been super tough and not to mention awkward!

bluejetta · February 2014

That sounds complicated. DD is almost 2.5. She's been staying over one night a month at my folks place since October (so 25 months old). They asked way before that but I wasn't ready. I bought them a second hand crib, mattress and set them up with changing supplies and bath stuff etc. They don't have baby gates but DD isn't climbing out etc. They have a play room set up in their basement so plenty of stuff for her to safely do. If I were you I'd be concerned. You have to do what is right for you but I can understand how it is hard and awkward. Can you stall a bit and try to help them make a set up that would make you more comfortable?

I will say that as DD moves to a bed we will have to make more changes at my folks place to add gates on stairs and secure furniture in the room she uses (it isn't a nursery just their guest room with a crib).

mexicolombiana · February 2014

We are not big believers in sleepovers for our kids. I have a 2 and 3 year old and we've only left them once overnight with my parents who live 5 minutes away and see them all the time. Also they have cribs, beds, etc and no pets.

I don't see what the big deal is with wanting to spend the night with a kid. Just say no. It's your kid. Unless you specifically need them to stay overnight with someone I would say no, you don't feel comfortable with your child sleeping over yet.

I should add that sleepovers are EXTREMELY frowned against among the people I know in the hispanic community, though of course it's different with family. Still, my mom also agrees with me and doesn't understand why all her American friends are dying to have their grandkids sleep over. I think it's annoying personally, my kids sleep in their own beds in my house unless it's absolutely necessary that they spend the night somewhere else.

All that said, I realize I sound like a big of a grouch but I really think it's an annoying custom. I will add that the one night we left them overnight was pretty nice. So maybe I am just being a grouch.

JonandJennifer · February 2014

mexicolombiana said:

We are not big believers in sleepovers for our kids. I have a 2 and 3 year old and we've only left them once overnight with my parents who live 5 minutes away and see them all the time. Also they have cribs, beds, etc and no pets.

I don't see what the big deal is with wanting to spend the night with a kid. Just say no. It's your kid. Unless you specifically need them to stay overnight with someone I would say no, you don't feel comfortable with your child sleeping over yet.

I should add that sleepovers are EXTREMELY frowned against among the people I know in the hispanic community, though of course it's different with family. Still, my mom also agrees with me and doesn't understand why all her American friends are dying to have their grandkids sleep over. I think it's annoying personally, my kids sleep in their own beds in my house unless it's absolutely necessary that they spend the night somewhere else.

All that said, I realize I sound like a big of a grouch but I really think it's an annoying custom. I will add that the one night we left them overnight was pretty nice. So maybe I am just being a grouch.

Love this!! Thank you! And no you are not a grouch!

JENandJEH · February 2014

mexicolombiana said:

We are not big believers in sleepovers for our kids. I have a 2 and 3 year old and we've only left them once overnight with my parents who live 5 minutes away and see them all the time. Also they have cribs, beds, etc and no pets.

I don't see what the big deal is with wanting to spend the night with a kid. Just say no. It's your kid. Unless you specifically need them to stay overnight with someone I would say no, you don't feel comfortable with your child sleeping over yet.

I should add that sleepovers are EXTREMELY frowned against among the people I know in the hispanic community, though of course it's different with family. Still, my mom also agrees with me and doesn't understand why all her American friends are dying to have their grandkids sleep over. I think it's annoying personally, my kids sleep in their own beds in my house unless it's absolutely necessary that they spend the night somewhere else.

All that said, I realize I sound like a big of a grouch but I really think it's an annoying custom. I will add that the one night we left them overnight was pretty nice. So maybe I am just being a grouch.

Some of my most fond memories with my grandparents are from the fun we would have when I would spend the night. My oldest thinks that sleepovers at Grandma's house are the best thing since sliced bread. She goes all out planning activities/crafts, his favorite meal, movie nights, etc. Maybe it's because we live 700 miles from our families and they don't get to see our boys that often, but I love that they want to drop everything and have them spend the night.

I guess I don't see why it's "annoying" or extremely frowned upon for people to want to have their grandkids sleepover. It gives my kids a break from us (which is never a bad thing even though I love them dearly), they get 1-on-1 attention with no distractions...my MIL drops everything so that she can focus on them for the entire time they are there...no laundry, they help her cook and clean up, no cleaning.

If there is a safety issue, sure, I 100% understand. If you, as a parent, are uncomfortable with it, again, I 100% understand. But I still don't understand why it's annoying that this is something other people find fun.

Soon2BMrsN · February 2014

I was convinced by my ILs, and eventually DH, into letting DS1 spend the night way before I actually felt ready. I think he was around 3 y.o. Since then, he's stayed over once again by himself and both boys have stayed 2, maybe 3, times with my ILs. I trust them completely, but just don't see what the big deal is. I mean, we see them at least twice a month - why do they need to have the kids overnight? eta: neither of the boys have ever spent the night at my parents' - I trust them but they haven't asked to have the boys yet...so I'm biding my time.

eta2: OP, I don't think I'd ever be comfortable with the situation you've described. Trust your gut, mama!

Xath · February 2014

DS hasn't spent too many nights away, but when he has the thing I appreciated the most was the ability to sleep in as late as I wanted. My oldest is and always has been an early riser, so getting to sleep is a real luxury.

janineuva · March 2014

My oldest has slept away a few times at my mothers house. My little one never has- but that is because since she has been born, my dad got ill and they couldn't have handled two kids. My mom had a lot on her hands taking care of him. He passed away 6 months ago and when we did go away, my mom slept here with my 2 and 5 year old.

We have some plans to go away again and my MIL or mother will stay here with them.

I understand your concerns and would consider having MIL stay at your house. Your husband isn't wrong wanting a night without kids. And i don't think those days have to be over! I LOVE those nights- we do it every 6 months or so- book a hotel 2 hours away, use miles to pay for it and do a full day and night just us. It is amazing

iebender · March 2014

Try it once and see how it goes. I would send a pack n' play for my daughter to sleep in when she spent the night. It's more like her crib at home and she feels safe and secure. Grandparents love that child as much as you do. If it doesn't work out after the first time then skip it next time they ask. The bond between grandchild and grandparent is healthy, loving and fun for that little child. Denying them of that is kind of unfair.

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