Parenting After Late Term Loss?

little_kate · March 2014

Just curious if anyone has been in a similar situation, and has any insight they would like to share...

I am a mom to a 3 1/2 year old son.
To make a long story *very* short, we lost our second son 02/17/14, 31 minutes after his c section, due to what they suspect was severe meconium aspiration, although the autopsy is still pending. Avi was born at 39 weeks 2 days, and the pregnancy was completely normal; we saw him on ultrasound the morning of the section & he was fine. So our oldest son was expecting a baby brother to come home.

Eli, my oldest, knows his brother died. He asks about him sometimes, and we remind him it's ok if he feels sad, it's ok if he wants to talk to his brother, etc. We've noticed some behavioral changes in Eli since the loss though, and are unsure if it's related to the change in schedule (he stayed with my parents for a week while I recovered), confusion about his brother, a reaction to the change in mood around our house, or simply that he's being a three year old. Eli's behavior at school has remained normal, but we're seeing way more temper tantrums, crying, & whining than ever before at home.

Anyone have insight on dealing with a situation like this? My husband and I are doing our best to parent Eli, but are obviously also dealing with our own grief at the same time...
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
And thanks for letting me ramble on, if you've made it this far!

Mom2anAngel2 · March 2014

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Avi. I don't have any suggestions as I have not been in your situation, but I did want to sent many T&P's to you and your family. I hope that you are able to find some peace in time. ((MANY HUGS))

MoreThanSparrows08 · March 2014

My heart breaks for you, sweetie. I am so sorry that you're going through this valley. I don't have any experience with your specific situation, but I wanted to offer my condolences, thoughts, and prayers. So many ((hugs)) for you and your family as you grieve your son Avi. Have you tried the Loss board? It is fully of ladies who have experienced late-term loss, and they may be able to help you, also. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to message me. ((hugs))

stefuge · March 2014

I am so sorry for your loss of Avi and that you find yourself here. No one wants to join this club.

We are in a similar situation. Our oldest son will be 4 in June, and we were expecting a second little boy due in October. He was born early in August at 32 weeks, stillborn due to a placental abruption.

I recently talked about this on my blog in more detail (link in my siggy) but a few things that we have done - we too had to explain to DS1 about death, and that his little brother had been born but had died and would not be coming home from the hospital like we thought. We have a children's book called "we were expecting a baby but we got an angel instead" which talks about a little boy who's baby brother was stillborn and all about what happens after with mommy being sad and people bringing meals and flowers. We read this many times with DS1 in the weeks following DS2's death and it is on his bookshelf now whenever he wants to read it again. We let him pick out a stuffed elephant from Colton's nursery (Colton's nursery was all done in elephants so they have a special meaning for me now) to be his own and talked about how he could hug it and talk to it whenever he was sad or missing his brother. We have also tried, and plan to continue in the future, to include DS1 in fun things to remember his brother. On Colton's EDD we went and got a balloon for both DS1 and Colton and then went to the park and wrote notes on Colton's balloon and then released it and "sent" it to him. This was fun and memorable for DS1.

We too had some behavioral issues immediately following our loss and we thought the same thing - was this because he was grieving or was it because he stayed with our parents for the days I was in the hospital or is it just because he's 3? I still don't know for sure, but we have had less issues as time goes on. It has now been 6 months and DS1 talks about Colton occasionally, so we know he is on his mind, but for the most part his life hasn't changed too drastically. We usually follow his lead, and any time he brings up Colton we focus and talk with him as much as he wants. There may be more issues down the road - if we are ever in the hospital again, if I get pregnant again, etc, but I feel like right now, he is doing okay.

Again I am so sorry for your loss. If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me, and like I said, I talk a lot about both my boys and our journey as a family through our grief on my blog and you are welcome to check that out as well.

JulyMomma2U2 · March 2014

I have no suggestions, I just wanted to offer up (((huge hugs))) for all that you and your family are going through.. I'm so sorry for your loss

OSUWifey09 · March 2014

***siggy/rainbow baby mentioned***

I can echo a lot of what stefuge said in her post. I lost DS2 to a placental abruption at nearly 35 weeks back in August 2012; DS1 was 3 1/2. He seemed pretty oblivious about my pregnancy and didn't really connect with me being pregnant, but when I had to go to the hospital to deliver DS2, and in the days/weeks following, he definitely noticed. DS1 was involved from the beginning of my loss - he met his brother, was at the funeral home when we said good-bye, was at the memorial, and participated in various memorials/events we did to remember Devon. We also noticed behavioral changes [some potty training regression, sleep issues, super clingy, defiant] - he was mostly reacting to my grief, so I tried my best to keep things as normal as possible for him. We talked to him about his brother in heaven, got a couple of books on grief, and followed his lead when it came to talking about his brother. As time went on and I began to heal, DS1 became better, too. It was a rough road for both of us, though; he would get so confused when I'd start crying out of the blue. It took awhile for him to understand why Mommy was sad all the time for awhile.

We're 18 months out from our loss and just had our rainbow baby, so DS1 doesn't really talk about his brother that much at this point. Honestly, I don't think he remembers much from that time, even though we still incorporate Devon into our lives as much as possible and celebrated his first angelversary with cupcakes and a balloon release back in August. It will take time, but I think the behavioral problems will subside as everyone begins to heal. We will continue to keep Devon a part of our lives and will talk to our kids about their angel brother/show them his pictures as they get older.

I'm so, so sorry you have to go through all of this. If you haven't already, please feel free to drop by the Loss board to intro yourself and find support from others in the same situation as you. That board has helped me through my darkest days. **hugs**