XP: How do you know when you're done??

OleMissBride · November 2013

Hi Ladies- Wasn't sure where to post this, but since everyone here has more than one LO- I thought I'd post here. We have 2 DD's-21mo and 2wks. I'm almost 37 and feel like I want one more. I'm an only and DH has a sister and a twin. I never saw us having more than 2LO's but ever since DD #2 was born, I'm feeling very conflicted to be closing the childbearing chapter of life. We've had some minor complications TTC and with our last being 6w early but have 2 healthy LO's in the end. At this point I'm not sure if it's just hormones or a true desire. I think the normal concerns are what I think about- crazy life with kids out numbering the parents, cost of raising 3 kids, pregnancy more risky with age, etc. But I feel like it's something we should consider now or never. So how did you know when you were done??

ebp913 · November 2013

Let me tell you what brought me to my recent decision. We have 2 now (obviously). DD was the best baby; so easy going, slept great, ate great, just super easy. We wanted #2 close to #1 and I had DS when DD was 16 months old. DS is a different animal. I'm not even sure I can really describe it but to say he is a handful is the understatement of the year. There have been many times where I want to pull my hair out with him! Things are getting better but there was awhile there was I was like, I would be an INSANE person to bring another baby into this hot mess. Anyways, despite those feelings I have always felt the desire for a 3rd. Even when Thomas was making me insane and crying all the time, I still wanted a 3rd. I don't want that baby right now but we have decided that we will have a 3rd when we feel the time is right. It's just been an unshakable feeling for me. I tried convincing myself that I didn't want a 3rd but as much as I have tried, I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot talk myself out of it and I still want one more baby. So that's where we are now.

I would take some time (like a few months) and try to talk yourself in and out of having the 3rd. What argument is more compelling for you? How do you feel when we say to people that you are done at 2? The answers to those questions will probably go a long way in helping you figure out how you truly feel.

kcisthebombdotcom · November 2013

I think at two weeks pp it's the hormones talking. I think in having 2u2 you are pregnant and/or with a newborn for so long that its scary/sad to leave that phase of life behind. I would wait at least 6-12 months before deciding to ttc so you can do so with a clear head especially since three kids was never in your life's plan.

OleMissBride · November 2013

Thanks ladies! I think my biggest surprise is having this thought at all- never imagining ideven consider wanting 3. I've never been a 'kid person' but as we all know having your own is so much different! Luckily, there is time to really see if this is something that we want, but also at almost 37, I don't have too much time. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that struggles with decisions like this! I figure a few years of crazy could be worth it in the long run. Thanks for your responses!!

memali26 · November 2013

I definitely wouldn't decide anything based on feelings at only 2w PP. Give yourself some time to adjust to your new normal of two kids before making any kind of decision.

For us, we always knew we'd have a minimum of 2. I wanted 4, DH was willing to have 2 and then take it one at a time from there. After DD1, we knew 3 would be the limit, but DH still leaned towards 2. DD1 was an easy baby, and DD2 was a dream, but DD2 became a needier toddler and that was really hard on both DH and I. We really thought for a while, when she was 12-18 months, we were done. But I could not shake the desire for a third. No matter how difficult some days were, I just couldn't imagine not doing it again. When DD2 was about 18 months we were kind of at a stalemate - me wanting another, DH pretty sure he was done at 2. We didn't want any more than 3 years between DD2 and #3, so it was becoming a "now or never" situation for us. By early summer I had pretty much told DH I'd accept whatever his decision was, as having another without him 100% on board was not an option. Then we got a surprise BFP and DD3 is due in late March, when DD1 will be just 4 and DD2 2.5. It was unexpected and not "The Plan" but we're both thrilled and honestly kind of relieved to have the decision made for us

Really, we're just glad we didn't make any decisions in the hardest times - the very early days, DD2's neediest phase, etc. We tried to make sure we had our discussions about it when we hit a patch of relatively calm, smooth sailing (or as calm as life gets with 2u2

).

mouserNY · December 2013

I just turned 37 yesterday and I'm soon to be working on my 2nd baby but I too am contemplating on having 3 children. I always wanted 3 and now with my age being a major factor, not too sure if it will be possible. I guess I'll just focus on trying to concieve number 2 then worry about if 3 is possible. Good Luck!

LovelyLou23 · December 2013

ebp913 said:

Let me tell you what brought me to my recent decision. We have 2 now (obviously). DD was the best baby; so easy going, slept great, ate great, just super easy. We wanted #2 close to #1 and I had DS when DD was 16 months old. DS is a different animal. I'm not even sure I can really describe it but to say he is a handful is the understatement of the year. There have been many times where I want to pull my hair out with him! Things are getting better but there was awhile there was I was like, I would be an INSANE person to bring another baby into this hot mess. Anyways, despite those feelings I have always felt the desire for a 3rd. Even when Thomas was making me insane and crying all the time, I still wanted a 3rd. I don't want that baby right now but we have decided that we will have a 3rd when we feel the time is right. It's just been an unshakable feeling for me. I tried convincing myself that I didn't want a 3rd but as much as I have tried, I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot talk myself out of it and I still want one more baby. So that's where we are now.

I would take some time (like a few months) and try to talk yourself in and out of having the 3rd. What argument is more compelling for you? How do you feel when we say to people that you are done at 2? The answers to those questions will probably go a long way in helping you figure out how you truly feel.

This was almost exactly my thoughts. DS was so tough, as was my transition from 1 to 2 kids, but I still couldn't shake wanting more. That said, we were not planning on 2u2 again, so this third is still a surprise!

krazyinsane · March 2014

We discussed being done during DD#3's pregnancy but it was very upsetting to me. The only way I truly felt okay with it was if is ring her csection the doctor had said it wasn't safe for another. She okayed another based on the looks of my ute and here I am knocked up again ;-) We feel like this is right and are okay with being done this time. People are definitely going to think we were trying for a boy (especially of this is a boy) but we just wanted our family complete and before I couldn't shake the feeling we were missing someone.
I would suggest discussing with YH because the two of you are the ones that need to be okay with whatever decision is made.
I do doubt if you have another you'll ever wish you hadn't but if you don't you may always think 'what if'...

XP: How do you know when you're done??

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