Bad night...vent

tyedyeme12 · March 2014

I'm just feeling a little depressed...I feel like I am totally failing as a mom. MH is such a natural, (he has had practice, helping raise his little brother when he was 10), but he was 10. LO just responds better to him and he has so much more patience than I do. It just really sucks when MH is gone for work at night and LO just screams for hours. I get so overwhelmed and sad. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I feel like LO has gotten the short stick with me as his mommy. I love him so much, and he really is a good baby, these fits just make me feel like I'm doing a terrible job and he deserves better.

Then, dh confesses to me that he feels unwanted because we do have time to have sex without LO here...but it's before he leaves for work, before I have the night alone and I'm anxious about being alone because LO does have these fits often, and being extra sleepy from sex only makes me feel worse. He knows it's not my fault, he just feels bad, too. It wasn't a fight, but it wasn't really solved. We can't have sex with LO gone because I can't be sleepy, and we can't have sex with LO here because he hasn't been napping well. I guess we just need another way I can show him interest, without actually having sex--or teasing him either.

Bottom line, I need to find patience...and I need to grow up.

thebobloblaw · March 2014

Having a baby and adjusting to changes is tough. I highly doubt you are a bad mom and I'm sure you love your LO more than anything else. Don't get down in yourself! Whenever I have a tough night and get down on myself I like to look at pictures that remind me how happy she is and that those moments pass.

It also sounds like you and dh can communicate which IMO is huge. Give it time and I'll bet you guys figure it out and get back to yourselves! The fact that you care speaks louder than anything. Remind yourself of all the awesome things you do for dh and lo. Creepy internet hugz!

cboink · March 2014

I was a terrible failure of a mom with my son... Now thirteen years later with my daughter it isn't so bad. She has her crying fits the same as he did but I learned to stay calm. If I am tense so is she. My son to this day still picks up on my moods and it can send him in to a tailspin. Advice: stay calm, drink, love yourself, drink, and stay calm. Hugs.

74dragonfly · March 2014

One thing that I read when I had My first was" You are the only mother your baby knows. He doesn't know other Mothers to compare you to. He isn't chatting with other babies about whose mom is best. He only knows that when he cries you are there. You are his everything. "

74dragonfly · March 2014

I do think you might have some PPD. It is so hard in the beginning with little sleep, adjusting to motherhood. Hugs

tyedyeme12 · March 2014

KKDRAGONFLY said:
I do think you might have some PPD. It is so hard in the beginning with little sleep, adjusting to motherhood. Hugs

Really? I've been going back and forth on it so much. I thought that the little sleep was just putting me a bit on edge. Maybe I've just been making excuses.

peitri · March 2014

PPs have given you solid advice. I have nothing else to add, other than to reiterate not to sell yourself short! You're doing the best job you can and you want to be better, and that makes you a great mom! Hang in there, and keep talking to YH. Sounds like you both have great communication, which is key. All the creepy internet hugs to you!

KFED103 · March 2014

I think a lot of what you are feeling is very normal. I don't think it's fair to yourself to say you need to grow up...you aren't acting immature about anything. This shit is hard sometimes and acknowledging that is a sign of great maturity. It sounds like you and your DH are working through this and you will come out fine on the other side I'm sure.

Having him gone at night must be very hard on you since that is of course when babies are at their fussiest. It will get better eventually I promise. (((Hugs))) coming your way

BoothBaby · March 2014

Hang in there! I agree with all the thoughts and advice that you've gotten so far. Just wanted to add that I was pretty impatient with my LO in the beginning too. I was so frustrated with his crying once that I slammed my fist on his dresser, scaring him (clearly not my proudest moment). Similar to Mapeers3354, one of the things that has really helped me is thinking about how smiley and happy he is during the day...I know he's not crying and being a jerk on purpose, which means that he is upset or needs something, and I want to soothe my sweet baby the best I can! May be lame, but it's really helped keep my head in the right place when he's having a fit.

Also, remember that even the most colicky of babies will eventually grow out of it....it will get better!! <<hugs>>

FutureMrsCaesar · March 2014

Everyone has given you great advice. I will just add that I also don't think you are a terrible mom at all. Dealing with screaming fits at night is incredibly challenging and nerve wracking. I've done this baby thing 3 times and dealing with that at nighttime & sleep deprivation has honestly been the biggest challenge. I can't imagine doing it alone every night like you are. Is your dh ever home at night to deal with these fits? Is he getting more quality sleep than you? Those could be contributing factors to why you feel he is more 'natural' with LO. With my first I had serious anxiety about night time until we finally got it worked out around 5 months. In (not so short) what you are dealing with is super hard, you've made it this far, it should start getting better soon, you are doing a fucking awesome job as a mom, don't sell yourself short. Not everyone has to deal with the screaming at night, but anyone who has can tell you it will test the limits of your patience beyond belief. Eta kudos to you & dh for having great communication. The sex will come back when the night time stresses subside, at least it has in the past for us. Unfortunately we're still where you are with this one...poor dh.

notthecheat · March 2014

This is the situation we have except I am the one working nights and DH is the one with less experience having to deal with LO on his own at night. I feel so awful leaving him by himself every night when he has to wake up for work in the morning.

When you're by yourself and LO is crying, try to relax. LO knows that you are his mommy and that he loves you. When you respond to his cries, he knows that you are there for him, even if what you're doing isn't "working," he knows you are trying. Just keep trying, different things if you have to. When you are relaxed, he knows that everything will be alright. Babies also cry to communicate. When he is crying, it is not because he is upset with you, or because you are not doing something right, it is just the only way he knows how to communicate. It does take practice. Its hard. It will take time. You are doing a great job, and its natural to get frustrated.

It doesn't hurt to get checked for PPD. If you need treatment, it will help not only how you feel, but your ability to cope and take care of LO. It may be contributing to your difficulty with him if you have it.

As for sex, I have no advice since its not going well for us either (or going at all...).

Hang in there, it will get better!

jy725 · March 2014

Such great advice has been already been given. I just wanted to say that I hope you feel better soon

lilypienmessimy · March 2014

PP have had really good advice, just want you go know that you are not failing as a mom at all! Nighttime is definitely hard, especially when meltdowns are happening for no reason at all. I feel like many of us are going through what you are to some extent but it's great you two are communicating, you'll get through this. Creepy internet hugs coming your way!

Eggerkr · March 2014

Sunshine5788 said:
Wish I had some stellar advice to give you. All I have is that you are a great mom, don't sell yourself short! Things will get better, they have to. Sorry you are feeling like this, I'm always around if you need someone to vent to.

If you want to make your DH feel better, mine hasn't gotten any sex since the start of the 2nd trimester.

Agree with pp, don't sell yourself short being a mom is tough! I also have been sealing with fits, he's a good happy baby all day according to my mom but recently he just screams and screams when I come home and hold him. It's not colic either unless colic can develope at 11 weeks?

tyedyeme12 · March 2014

Eggerkr said:

Sunshine5788 said:
Wish I had some stellar advice to give you. All I have is that you are a great mom, don't sell yourself short! Things will get better, they have to. Sorry you are feeling like this, I'm always around if you need someone to vent to.

If you want to make your DH feel better, mine hasn't gotten any sex since the start of the 2nd trimester.
Agree with pp, don't sell yourself short being a mom is tough! I also have been sealing with fits, he's a good happy baby all day according to my mom but recently he just screams and screams when I come home and hold him. It's not colic either unless colic can develope at 11 weeks?

My mom watches LO too during the day, and I swear, she will say "ohh he was so good, didn't cry once all day". And he will scream all night...I don't think colic can develop at 11 weeks, but maybe gas? Also, if your mom has recently started watching him during the day, then maybe she's stimulating him more and making him more sleepy. My pedi said that LO was just making himself overtired at night, so he would be so upset because he was being so stimulated during the day by my mom, and was having trouble napping in the evening and that was making him angry.

Eggerkr · March 2014

tyedyeme12 said:

Eggerkr said:

Sunshine5788 said:
Wish I had some stellar advice to give you. All I have is that you are a great mom, don't sell yourself short! Things will get better, they have to. Sorry you are feeling like this, I'm always around if you need someone to vent to.

If you want to make your DH feel better, mine hasn't gotten any sex since the start of the 2nd trimester.
Agree with pp, don't sell yourself short being a mom is tough! I also have been sealing with fits, he's a good happy baby all day according to my mom but recently he just screams and screams when I come home and hold him. It's not colic either unless colic can develope at 11 weeks?
My mom watches LO too during the day, and I swear, she will say "ohh he was so good, didn't cry once all day". And he will scream all night...I don't think colic can develop at 11 weeks, but maybe gas? Also, if your mom has recently started watching him during the day, then maybe she's stimulating him more and making him more sleepy. My pedi said that LO was just making himself overtired at night, so he would be so upset because he was being so stimulated during the day by my mom, and was having trouble napping in the evening and that was making him angry.

Yeah colic is typically ending for most around this time at 12 weeks. LO will be 13 on Tuesday. Gas? I don't think so, he's usually pretty squirmy if it's gas. I think he's overstimulated and tired. Makes me sad I only get to see him for a hour and a half before he goes to bed.

Ktrue85 · March 2014

I just want to reiderate that you are a wonderful mother and it's totally understandable that you're feeling frustrated and worn out. I agree with PP's in that you should speak to your doctor about possible PPD. Medication can really do a lot to help bring you back to a form of sanity, and there is no shame in that.

As for the sex thing... You gotta remember that almost all men are very sexually driven. I know it's hard when you're feeling worn out and frustrated, and trust me I get that way, too... But I think that sometimes sex can be a wonderful stress reliever. You shouldn't feel obligated neccisarily, but I just tend to think a little more sexy time can do wonders for your mojo.

Try to take a deep breath and remember that this is all just a phase.. One day our LO's will be big and independent and we will have all the time in the world to sleep. For now, keep your head held high and remember - you're the only mom he knows, and to him you're perfect.

Kermode61581 · March 2014

tyedyeme12 said:

Eggerkr said:

Sunshine5788 said:
Wish I had some stellar advice to give you. All I have is that you are a great mom, don't sell yourself short! Things will get better, they have to. Sorry you are feeling like this, I'm always around if you need someone to vent to.

If you want to make your DH feel better, mine hasn't gotten any sex since the start of the 2nd trimester.
Agree with pp, don't sell yourself short being a mom is tough! I also have been sealing with fits, he's a good happy baby all day according to my mom but recently he just screams and screams when I come home and hold him. It's not colic either unless colic can develope at 11 weeks?
My mom watches LO too during the day, and I swear, she will say "ohh he was so good, didn't cry once all day". And he will scream all night...I don't think colic can develop at 11 weeks, but maybe gas? Also, if your mom has recently started watching him during the day, then maybe she's stimulating him more and making him more sleepy. My pedi said that LO was just making himself overtired at night, so he would be so upset because he was being so stimulated during the day by my mom, and was having trouble napping in the evening and that was making him angry.

My mum watched DD#1 and would always tell me that "oh she never cried for me". It is frustrating to hear because babies cry and I would always think I was doing something wrong. My reasoning was if she didn't cry for my mum but cries for me it must be me doing something wrong. To this day when my mum watches her she says that DD#1 doesn't cry, throw tantrums or misbehave and I know it's not true (I just think my mum exaggerated or let's her get away with a lot more). Point is despite our rough patches my DD#1 prefers me over anyone and tells me every day that she loves me and smothers me with and kisses; it makes it all worth it.
You are doing a bang up job as a mum, it is rough in the beginning but you do what you can to survive and one day it won't be survival you and LO will be thriving. Take care of yourself, ask for help and focus on the good parts.

HerbanMom · March 2014

Don't be so hard on yourself! You bring alot of great things to the table with LO and are doing a great job!

PP's have already given great advice I can't really add to but just keep doing what you're doing, the dust is still settling for alot of us around here!

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