Ethical dilemma on communicating with DH about his mom's health (NPR)

vszapp · March 2014

So, DH's mom was in the hospital at the end of Jan/beginning of Feb. I should point out that she didn't tell anyone in the family (he has 4 siblings) until she had been in for 4 days and it was DH's birthday. That stubbornness seems to run in the family - her mother had breast cancer and somehow didn't tell anyone for 15 years! Anyway, they diagnosed a C difficile infection, but I'm not convinced that was all going on b/c she said something about visiting her doc a bit beforehand due to swollen glands and some other issues. Nonetheless, she got better and was released from the hospital, and this past week she came to visit us. She seems good, but she got a phone call while she and I were in the car together, and I very clearly heard the voice on the other end say they were calling to schedule a CT scan. I know she had one while she was in the hospital, and she said nothing showed up. I work in epidemiology and don't know much about the indications for follow-up CT scans, but it seems to me they wouldn't have ordered another one unless there was an issue.

So my dilemma is - do I tell DH? Really, his mom's medical info is her own private deal, but I know he and his sibs would really want to know if she was dealing wtih something major so they could help her (since she would never reach out for help). I feel torn between honoring her privacy and not wanting to keep info from DH... WWYD? We are clear across the country from her, so it's hard to keep tabs on what's happening without intruding.

pandadair · March 2014

I would tell him. I would be livid if my husband knew something like that and didn't tell me.

Mittens14 · March 2014

Did you ask her about the call when it happened? No matter what I would tell my husband and let him decide what to do with the information. I wouldn't keep something like that from him and like pp stated, would be livid if he did it to me...

sammy.k · March 2014

I would definitely tell him.

amroke · March 2014

I would tell him. She answered the call in front of you, so she had to know you might overhear.

vszapp · March 2014

Mittens14 said:

Did you ask her about the call when it happened? No matter what I would tell my husband and let him decide what to do with the information. I wouldn't keep something like that from him and like pp stated, would be livid if he did it to me...

She is normally very chatty about anything that happens, but she didn't say a peep about the call and asked them to call her voicemail to leave a message (I think with the date and time of her scan). She didn't offer anything, so I certainly wasn't going to tell her that because she's 72 and her volume was way up, I could hear everything they were saying

. But I think you're right, I should prob tell him and let him decide what to do with it. I hate to worry him if it's nothing, but it's pretty weird... I don't think they just give out CT scans like candy.

MrsT2008 · March 2014

I would tell him. You owe it more to him than you do to her and I would be mad and hurt if MH knew something about one of my parents and didn't tell me.

spacepotatoes · March 2014

Kimbus22 said:

My loyalty and first responsibility is to my H, not my MIL. I would absolutely tell him.

This.

And yes, medical issues are personal but there are some things that family members, particularly children who are having their own children, should be made aware of. Something like breast cancer in the family is important to have documented in a medical history. I have no idea what your MIL's current situation is but I'd definitely say something to your husband and let him decide how he wants to follow up. Besides the obvious concern for his mother, the results of whatever her issues may be could be important for him to be aware of.

vszapp · March 2014

Ok, I'm convinced. I think I was feeling bad about overhearing (it's really none of my business), but I did, so I should do something about it. Fx that it's nothing major - we adore her.

MrsT2008 · March 2014

I understand feeling bad about overhearing but it's not as though you were evesdropping on purpose. I hope it's nothing!

SurprisePartySue · March 2014

I would definitely tell him. If she never spoke to you about it, nor told you not say something; then you shouldn't feel guilty.

sheriot · March 2014

Fx it's nothing major and she is ok

Miles2Go · March 2014

Tell him. I generally expect married couples to be in an "if you know, I know" arrangement. I would never expect that you would keep that from him. Share the information and then let him do with it what he will.

YTLCNURSE · March 2014

You should tell your husband. Hopefully everything is ok and it's nothing too serious. My parents are the same way. They will not tell me or my siblings anything that is going on with their health and I hate that. I guess they (parents) don't want us to worry but if something is seriously going on I think family should know. Hope all is well!

ThereBeDragons · March 2014

Unless something is told to me in strict confidence, everything I know- DH knows. And his family knows that.

There's only been one circumstance in the past 17 years where I've kept a secret about his family from him, and even then with the caveat that his family member tell him themselves within two weeks. In that case I was being asked to look in on a family members spouse while the family member was getting help for an addiction (one week in rehab). Family member wanted to be the one to tell my husband, but feared that husband would cut ties if family member wasn't already "fixed" (with good reason- DH is very untrusting of "but I'm going to get it together this time!"). But I was the only one the family member trusted enough to ask me to look in on their spouse without judgement.

It felt wrong to keep the secret, and I was relieved as hell when family member explained the circumstances to DH and he was okay with it. But I really do not recommend trying to keep something like this from your DH.

HorseLover11 · March 2014

I think you talk to her first and let her know you are concerned and don't want to keep DH in the dark. I think being honest and open with her before you do anything would be the respectful thing to do so at least she knows you'replanning on telling DH.

eta: I realize I was lurking on an old bmb and you have no idea who I am!

NorthernGal248 · March 2014

I agree with PP's - you should tell him. I would be upset if DH didn't tell me, and I know he would be upset if I didn't tell him.

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Ethical dilemma on communicating with DH about his mom's health (NPR)

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