Yet Another Shower Dilemma (Hormonal or MIL Being... Well, MIL?!)

eryale · March 2014

Tonight I may earn a SS crown, or the 'ungrateful/bratty daughter-in-law award'...

Or perhaps some of you may agree with me?! I don't know, but here we go...

So, a few weeks ago, I believe I made a big mistake in asking my MIL if she had heard any chatter about my DH's aunts wanting to throw a baby shower or small celebration of some sort? I only did this to gauge if I'd need to plan on including a few women on my other shower guest list or not... BIG MISTAKE, HUGE! I haven't yet heard from said aunties (and that's fine), but now MIL has decided she'll throw me a shower at her house... I also have 3 girlfriends that wanted to host, so now there are 4 hostesses which is totally great... I'm truly touched that they want to do this for me. However, I'm afraid things are getting out of hand.

Here's a bit of background: We live 7 hours from my hometown and my oldest, dearest friends are hosting a shower for me down there. There are 35 invites on that list (since almost all of my aunties, best friends, and 'second moms' still live in my hometown). I've imagined a relatively intimate, wonderful celebration, with most everyone with whom I've been closest to all of my life. Sounds great, no?

Here's the 'out of hand' part: My list for the MIL/friend shower where DH and I live is a modest 15 women. My MIL decided that since it's now at her house, she can do whatever she wants... So much for the even smaller, more intimate little 'mellow' shower I had hoped for because her list is 35 people!!!!!! 50 people is crazy to me, especially since it will be my 2nd shower, AND nearly half of these women are her cousins and my DH's great aunts, along with family friends whom I've never even met! I'm totally uncomfortable with this and I told her so... Besides the fact that I'll be the hot and bursting center of attention in the middle of May with a million strange ladies "ooing and awing" over me and my belly (G-d help them if they start rubbing it!), my girlfriends are now 'on the hook' for a much larger event than I had thought. This means a bigger expense, and I really didn't want anyone to have to spend the big bucks! My MIL has thus far refused to budge on her list and I told her my thoughts and concerns. She said she'll take care of the food and that's the biggest expense (BTW, she's an expert microwaver, so I'm a little freaked out about that too!) She basically said it shouldn't be a problem for my 3 girlfriends to make 35 more invitations, favors, desserts, and decorations. I beg to differ... They were going to make/pay for 15-20 invites and favors and bake sweets for 15-20... now they're looking at hosting a circus of 50 women! Is this not crazy?

DH is somewhat understanding, but I know he feels caught in the middle... I'll agree, it's awkward... These people are his family, and this baby will be his mom's granddaughter, but come on?! I may have been a super hormonal brat tonight, but I just told DH that I don't have to have a shower and I'm ready to call the whole thing off... It just sounds SO UNAPPEALING. It's how I feel right now.

Hormones? Am I being a spoiled damn brat? OR is MIL out of her mind??!

lest12 · March 2014

I don't think you're being a brat, but I do think the hostesses should be communicating expectations amongst each other, you shouldn't have to be the one doing it.

I hate to say it, but if I were one of your girlfriends and your mil was giving me a hard time, i would probably suggest 2 separate showers where you live. I'd do mine with the 15 people, and let your mil do her own if she wanted to be that over the top. But I have zero patience, so maybe not the best opinion.

lest12 · March 2014

Also, fwiw, I think your MIL sounds a little over the top. Maybe she's just too excited?

eryale · March 2014

lest12 Thank you for your input! My DH actually suggested what you did (i.e. consider the 2 separate showers idea). I know this too may not go over well with the MIL... but I may decide to suggest it. I think my friends are too nice to say anything to MIL re: the expense... So I can't help but feel annoyed for and stick up for them, you know? MIL is typically very nice, so I feel bad complaining so much about her, except she can be quite controlling in situations like these (the wedding list was a separate nightmare!). Yes, I think she's 'too excited' but I also think in this case she's definitely being 'over the top' and downright ridiculous!

Fuccimama Thank you for your reply too! Yes, I could suggest splitting my 15 and her 35 to create 2 showers. This would mean 3 showers total! The one at home, the girlfriends up here, and the strange, overwhelming group of women I don't know!

I forgot to mention that I did suggest maybe having a 'meet the baby' get together in the first months after she is born... a sort of open house with snacks and drinks, where all of these people could congratulate me and DH and see the LO without having to make a huge shower. SHE WAS NOT PLEASED WITH THIS IDEA AT ALL! Sheesh!

Perhaps I should just sit back and let this happen... be grateful... and move on? Oh I don't know?!

TakeMeAway55 · March 2014

I would also suggest doing 2 showers. Let the MIL plan her crazy shower (I would just suck it up, and accept her generosity). Don't even tell her about the other baby shower. If she finds out, you can tell her it was kind of a surprise shower thrown for you

eryale · March 2014

TakeMeAway55 Unfortunately MIL and the other 3 girls have been in touch and picked a date... So I can't be sneaky (or I would!)

I really appreciate your perspective though and I think hearing from others helps me to realize that even though this is exceedingly annoying, I should probably accept and appreciate the party she wants to throw (sort of in my/baby/her son's honor, but mostly for herself!) Snark is coming out isn't it? But I am grateful... I'm getting there at least!

Hairstylist16 · March 2014

Oh I know that trying to be grateful feeling because you don't want to seem rude but you'd wish your MIL would just go away. Or it least that's how I always feel. I would also recommend the two different showers and as far as the great aunts you don't know, and probably never will, I'd drag your husband with you to help as a buffer. It's his family and it's the least he can do

quinnlucas6118 · March 2014

I would probably do 2 showers, I always feel very awkward and overwhelmed in shower situations with lots of people. It's over stimulating for me to say the least. I'd actually prefer no shower at all but I don't like attention. Can hubby come with you to the family one? My husband's work is giving us a shower and they make all of their showers family events so it takes the pressure off!

WoodsSeltzer09 · March 2014

I think your girlfirends need to suggest 2 seperate showers.

This keeps you off the hook for possibly looking ungreatful to MIL - which i don't think you are being at all. But it's crazy for her to think your friends can foot the bill for an extra 35 people.

If you would prefer a "meet the baby" party suggest that to your girlfriends - i'd rather have 15 of my besties over right after having little one, than having 35 people i've never meet wanting to hold my new baby.

katekat8721 · March 2014

I'd tell MIL you're doing two showers. It isn't fair to your friends to have them host 50 people when they only had planned (and probably budgeted) for less than half of that. You ALL will enjoy it more if you can do two showers.

Savvy122 · March 2014

As far as your MIL inviting all of her friends... eh, it's a little strange but, from what I've seen on the Bump, not all that uncommon. She's probably excited and wants to share that with her friends too. I'd grin and bear it for an afternoon. It may not be your ideal shower, but it'll make her happy and you'll likely receive some useful/thoughtful gifts.

As far as the size of the shower... if your friends are uncomfortable or unable to foot the bill for such a large shower (which is completely understandable) then THEY should approach your MIL and explain that to her. You should not have to play middle man.

ashquack · March 2014

I actually would use the excuse that since you don't live close to your friends it would be better to have separate showers...do a "family" shower with all her people and let her go crazy if she wants and do another one with your friends. Sometimes putting all those people together can be hard and not super fun:(

hollygb22 · March 2014

I guess I don't think it's too weird that your MIL is inviting friends especially if they may know your DH? But, if it's at her house, she's one of the hosts, I sort of think its her call as the host to make?

I think you should probably stay out of it or you'll go nuts and one of your 3 friends needs to say something

shellbell813 · March 2014

I know 35 is a lot, but remember all these people will not necessarily be coming. On top of that, I don't think it's outrageous at all that your MIL wants to invite her friends and family. I don't think that's uncommon. But if your friends are uncomfortable with it, then like PP said, they can and should speak to your MIL. Sounds like they'vehhad no trouble planning with her already.

And this may sound mean... but you need to probably get over not wanting to deal with all MILs people being there because it might be uncomfortable. It sounds like she is excited about the baby and she has the right to celebrate too. Sometimes we just have to grin and bear it for family.

izzetoot · March 2014

I agree with the two showers. If its one big shower, you probably wont enjoy yourself and just want to hang out with your 15 friends the whole time but wont be able to. So have one for you and (sad to say) one for your MIL. Its not worth the extra stress and annoyances of trying to get your MIL to see it your way (or anyone else's it looks like!)

If it makes you feel any better I had 4 ppl all wanting to host a shower for me so we all got together to talk deets and after watching them all bicker at each other I decided to host it at my house and assigned everyone tasks. 4 hostesses = 4 problems. Ever heard of the saying 'too many cooks in the kitchen' ?? Sheesh...

temursgirl · March 2014

I agree with PPs that two showers is definitely the way to go. And your friends should be the ones to approach your MIL since they're the ones working together. I would add that you might need to give them the go ahead to do so (and tell them that's what you want) though. I don't think it's rude of them to tell her they weren't planning to afford such a big party, but I can see how they might worry it's rude. I've had a similar situation with my ILs inviting themselves to stay with my friend's parents, and my friend's parents not wanting to seem rude because they're my ILs. I told them not to worry about it, it wasn't rude, and then they worked it out amongst themselves.

I understand how you feel about your MIL's plans. My aunt (mom's sister) is planning mine and inviting her friends and people I wouldn't really invite or don't know that well. It's especially awkward since there are gifts involved. My plan is to grin and bear it. Your MIL is probably just super excited and maybe wants to show off a little (this is my aunt!). It's a few hours, so I would just do it.

Also, I want to add that you shouldn't have to be that involved. It will stress you out. It's okay to back off from the situation and just show up for the eventual shower(s).

flerlgirl · March 2014

You already got good responses but I had to ask if anyone else thought of Pretty Woman when the OP said "Big mistake, huge!"

shakeweights · March 2014

flerlgirl said:
You already got good responses but I had to ask if anyone else thought of Pretty Woman when the OP said "Big mistake, huge!"

@ flerlgirl - "I have to go shopping now"

eryale · March 2014

I guess every story has more to it than one can fully share on a forum like this...But, bottom line, I wrote this post because I wanted real answers and opinions, even if some were "ouch"! I'd have never braved the board if I wasn't ready for the responses! So, thank you all for your individual perspectives... Sure, I'd have loved it if everyone agreed with me (who wouldn't, right?!), but I doubted that would happen...

I'm not defending my position in adding this, but I feel like I should at least clarify that my list of 15 included DH's family too. That is, 4 aunts and 2 grandmas whom I adore and call my own (and my 9 closest local girlfriends). The others on MIL's large list are mainly 'obligation invites', and she freely admitted so. Apparently some cousins and "friends" would "never talk to her again" if they weren't invited, which I personally think is silly. They weren't even people who were invited to our wedding! DH's relationship with these people is also non-existent, though he knows who they are... Basically, it's all family politics. But that's all neither here nor there because I'm going to take the advice and essentially 'suck it up'.

Of course there's so much more I can say, but the reality is, your array of responses have brought me back "down to earth" a bit, and I think all will be fine! I will be fine. The shower (or showers, however this plays out) will be fine... There are certainly worse things than MILs wanting to show off her DIL and the joy of her first grandchild's arrival, even if a lot of it is for family politics... And sure, there may be more gifts which I can be grateful for (and I already told DH that he's 'on the hook' for helping write thank you notes)!

quinnlucas6118 In response to your comments: That's probably where this all stems from, truly. Besides everything noted above, the whole shower thing kind of does induce discomfort and anxiety for me... My fault for mentioning it and ultimately agreeing to have one... I'll own that. Rachel5130 I guess the 'after the baby is born', casual 'open house' came from this anxiety, and this idea made me feel like much of the attention and pressure would be off of me and instead, shared by Baby, DH, MIL and FIL. Yes, other than that, having a million strange paws all over my baby is probably less okay than 35 sets of stranger's paws on my baby belly!

Temurlang1 Thank you for a really thoughtful and relatable response! I think we're on the same page, but you're much more level-headed than I was about it all going in my original post! I will "grin and bear it" and I agree with you and the PPs... I'll let the girlfriends handle MIL and vice versa. I do however plan to take a PP's suggestion and let the 3 girlfriends know that it is okay for them to speak up if MIL makes them feel uncomfortable, because although she is a fine MIL and really is a nice lady, she can be controlling. Beyond that, I'm not going to say a word.

Sincerest thanks for the support along with the brutal honesty ladies.

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