When family members (in-laws) don't understand your career commitments (long)...

bcnoelle · March 2014

I'm wondering if any of you ladies have family members who don't really get the sacrifices and commitments that yourself and spouse have due to your careers? We have an almost 3 year old and are expecting our second at the end of May. My DH works long hours Mon-Fri with some weekend work. I have my own business and when I'm not working my staff can't work (dental field related), so I have limited vacations unless I risk losing staff or paying them for doing nothing while I'm away. I'm only expecting to take 3 weeks off for maternity leave (like my first one). I have been budgeting hard to pay off business and student loans. DH's parents and 2 younger sisters live 2000 miles away. The in-laws visit us about once a year, but treat their visits like a vacation and don't do much to help out with our son when they're here. We visit them about once a year on our limited vacation time. His sisters have never visited. Neither sister even gave us a wedding card, they just told DH that they were piggy backing off of his parents' card/gift (they were 26 and 28 years old at the time). No gift/card when our son was born either. Now one sister is getting married in late July. She picked a Tuesday to marry (date has sentimental reasons). The other sister then announces she is due with her second baby a day after the wedding date. In my mind, the wedding would be postponed...but no, the pregnant sister is getting induced a week early to make the wedding. The wedding is also a white tie with no kids invited. MIL sent a group text (6 family members) that she has decided on childcare for my 3 year old, infant, and SIL's 2 year old and 1 week old newborn for the time of the wedding. Neither sister has a 'real' job and are supported by their boyfriends/parents. Airplane tix round trip to the wedding are about $700 each. My issues: I don't want to take a 5 hour plane ride with a 2 month old. I don't want our family to sacrifice our vacation time and savings, although I do realize this is DH's sister's wedding. We really don't have anyone to leave our 2 month old with for a few days, plus I have no idea if I'll be nursing. Our plan is for DH to go across the country with our 3 year old and that I'll miss the wedding and stay home with our 2 month old. I know that the in-laws will take this as me being overprotective, selfish, etc. Looking to see if I am in the wrong or any other suggestions?

bcnoelle · March 2014

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs. My iPad isn't the easiest to write with.

FemShep · March 2014

No offense, but most of your vent above is irrelevant. My SIL's gifts to me wouldn't impact my attendance at her wedding, nor would the day of the week or whether my other SIL was having a baby then. I understand you're hurt and frustrated by their treatment, and I'm not saying you're wrong, but the things that would impact my decision would be what is best for *my* family (DH, me, and our children).

As far as the wedding goes....Lots can change between now and then. Tell your ILs that you aren't able to make definite plans this far out, and you'll make a final decision about who will attend with your DH after your baby is born. And unless I had the easiest baby ever, I'd probably stay at home with the infant while DH attended with the 3yo. At 2 mo, I could have done the trip if I'd had to, but it would have been extraordinarily difficult, and I probably would only have done so in a "life or death" situation. (Obviously, your DH's feelings and your 3yo's temperament impact this decision as well.) If they get upset,simply tell them that you and DH decided this was the best solution for your family, and don't engage. Good luck!

bcnoelle · March 2014

milkergirl1 said:

I think you should make the trip if it would cause long term hard feelings with your DH's family. Lots of people travel with young babies, even though it sucks, it is possible. I have a brother and SIL that came to my wedding, although they never even gave us a card, even after I had given them a generous wedding gift and baby gift. Is it inconsiderate? Yes, but gift giving can't be considered tit for tat, even though it's hard not to think of it in those terms.
I also think you should have a back up for when you're not at work so your employees can still work. That is not just for this occasion, but for other times, such as your maternity leave and vacations. You shouldn't work yourself to death.
On a side note: I can't believe your SIL's dr. is willing to do a non-medically necessary induction just so she can have the baby before the wedding. And with a baby 1 week old, I doubt she'd want to go to a wedding anyway.

Thanks for this perspective. I know it will create hard feelings, but I also feel like they don't make much of an effort. Maybe I need to be the one to suck it up. Two of our friends traveled with babies younger than 4 months in the last year whose babies wound up in the hospital for a week. So I am legitimately concerned about flying with a younger infant. Yes, the other SIL getting induced to make the wedding date is just insane and is making my own circumstances look bad. As far as my business, I can hire someone else at the cost of $1000/day...its difficult to swallow (considering i dont pay myself this yet),but what I'm doing for my own maternity leave. I'm considering selling my business and being an associate with less autonomy and eventually a lower income, but a lot of my consideration for this is based on lack of support to really pay off my own debt and pick and choose commitments. It would relieve a lot of stress though, especially with 2 kids in the picture and with DH's career being less flexible than my own.

Maybride2 · March 2014

Since it doesn't sound like your family is particularly close to your husband's family, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of going. If my husband wanted to attend I would support that, but hell no I'm not going to pay to fly my toddler just to leave them with an unknown babysitter, and I would not fly with a 2 month old unless it were a life or death situation. What's the worst that will happen if you hurt their feelings by not going? Will they stop their annual visits (those that actually visit you, anyway)?

bcnoelle · March 2014

No offense, but most of your vent above is irrelevant. My SIL's gifts to me wouldn't impact my attendance at her wedding, nor would the day of the week or whether my other SIL was having a baby then. I understand you're hurt and frustrated by their treatment, and I'm not saying you're wrong, but the things that would impact my decision would be what is best for *my* family (DH, me, and our children).

As far as the wedding goes....Lots can change between now and then. Tell your ILs that you aren't able to make definite plans this far out, and you'll make a final decision about who will attend with your DH after your baby is born. And unless I had the easiest baby ever, I'd probably stay at home with the infant while DH attended with the 3yo. At 2 mo, I could have done the trip if I'd had to, but it would have been extraordinarily difficult, and I probably would only have done so in a "life or death" situation. (Obviously, your DH's feelings and your 3yo's temperament impact this decision as well.) If they get upset,simply tell them that you and DH decided this was the best solution for your family, and don't engage. Good luck!

Thanks for looking at what is really relevant. All the gift giving, or lack of, is petty but it has started my relationship off on a bad foot with the SILs. Overall it's the MIL who is trying to 'direct' an agenda for whose coming and what the itinerary is. It drives me crazy since she expects us to take time off of work and pay for expensive flights, but makes monthly transfers into her unemployed daughters bank accounts every month. I know the most important thing is deciding if flying with a 2 month old is going to work for us and how we make decisions as our own family.

bcnoelle · March 2014

Maybride2 said:

Since it doesn't sound like your family is particularly close to your husband's family, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of going. If my husband wanted to attend I would support that, but hell no I'm not going to pay to fly my toddler just to leave them with an unknown babysitter, and I would not fly with a 2 month old unless it were a life or death situation. What's the worst that will happen if you hurt their feelings by not going? Will they stop their annual visits (those that actually visit you, anyway)?

This is exactly how I feel when I get up on my soap box. I'm trying to make good decisions for my marriage too, since I know DH doesn't see things the way I do. He is proud the we are relatively 'successful' and independent and finds that his sisters just need more help and deserve said help from his parents....and since they are younger they can't be blamed for not giving us a card or visiting.i feel like letting my toddler go without me to some unknown babysitter is sad and makes me uncomfortable, but it's almost the compromise I am making to not let the sh*t totally hit the fan.

88sharonlee · March 2014

My thoughts would be that you are right on target suggesting that DH goes with the 3yr old and you stay home with the baby.

I'm a FTM with a 3 month old, so having just started to feel like a normal human being again I would NOT have been a great wedding guest a month ago- and neither would my baby!

You have no idea what complications you may encounter with your labor or the new LO. You may be nursing every hour, feeling exhausted, and the baby might be colicky etc....

if you were expressing deep sadness at not being there for a friend or family member that means the world to you then it would be a different story and I'd say try hard to make it work, this is not the case.

Send DH and the oldest, they will have more fun and be better guests, then send a nice gift that is partially paid for with the money your not spending by not going.

Lastly tell you MIL you don't want the new baby to take away any focus on the bride!

bcnoelle · March 2014

88sharonlee said:

My thoughts would be that you are right on target suggesting that DH goes with the 3yr old and you stay home with the baby. I'm a FTM with a 3 month old, so having just started to feel like a normal human being again I would NOT have been a great wedding guest a month ago- and neither would my baby! You have no idea what complications you may encounter with your labor or the new LO. You may be nursing every hour, feeling exhausted, and the baby might be colicky etc.... if you were expressing deep sadness at not being there for a friend or family member that means the world to you then it would be a different story and I'd say try hard to make it work, this is not the case. Send DH and the oldest, they will have more fun and be better guests, then send a nice gift that is partially paid for with the money your not spending by not going. Lastly tell you MIL you don't want the new baby to take away any focus on the bride!

I think this is the solution that I'm most likely going to stick with. Sucking it up and getting a nice present will help placate the situation. The toddler and infant aren't even invited to the wedding (but expected to travel???) so I can't really use her being a baby AW as an excuse;)

laurakaz13 · March 2014

I actually don't think traveling with a 2 month old is a big deal at all. I flew with mine at 5 and 8 weeks and have flown over a dozen times with her since then. She slept the whole time as an infant.

That being said, if kids are not invited to the wedding I just would not go. I'm no fan of kids at adult events and truly don't think they belong at black tie weddings, but you will have a 2 month old. It should be clear that people with newborns just may not make it!

I would just stay home with your newborn and have DH and LO go. If anyone says a word, your H needs to say, "My wife just had a baby. She needs to stay home until she is fully up to travel. End of discussion."

SunAndRain · March 2014

A Tuesday night wedding? That alone wreaks of a lack of consideration on the bride and grooms part. I'm sorry but a special date doesn't trump the work schedules of most of their guests...not to mention having to fly on a business schedule (no Saturday night stay unless they extend their trip) which ups the airfare co considerably.

Personally I LOVE attending weddings. But based on everything you mentioned I wouldn't likely attend this one.

Personally I would not likely send my 3 year old unless he was in he wedding. But I get that keeping him home with you could be an added burden on you without an extra set of hands. For the price of his ticket you could hire a temp nanny or nurse. Or even a mother's helper.

bcnoelle · March 2014

SunAndRain said:

A Tuesday night wedding? That alone wreaks of a lack of consideration on the bride and grooms part. I'm sorry but a special date doesn't trump the work schedules of most of their guests...not to mention having to fly on a business schedule (no Saturday night stay unless they extend their trip) which ups the airfare co considerably.

Personally I LOVE attending weddings. But based on everything you mentioned I wouldn't likely attend this one.

Personally I would not likely send my 3 year old unless he was in he wedding. But I get that keeping him home with you could be an added burden on you without an extra set of hands. For the price of his ticket you could hire a temp nanny or nurse. Or even a mother's helper.

The whole Tuesday night wedding with white tie (DH now has to rent and travel w a white tux) is also another part of this wedding that I'm eye rolling. If I stayed home with both little ones, I'd be working and already have my son's pre-school to pay for regardless and a babysitter for the infant lined up. So night time would be challenging, but not terrible. It's just that DH really would like to bring the 3year old to show him off to family, even though DS is not invited to the wedding. I think a lot of it comes down to my in-laws not understanding a normal work schedule and commitments.

brachysira · March 2014

It seems like this is rude of them from a financial rather than work standpoint. If you don't have $2100 sitting around, you can't all fly back for a short event where your kids won't even be allowed. If you all were close, or his sister getting married had shown you she cares about your family, you might dig deep and find the money. Acting understanding that people can't travel across the globe at any expense to attend "your day" is part of what being a gracious bride is. If you can't get a less expensive ticket, I would keep your 3 y.o. home unless DH just really wants the company. As PP said, for $700, you could definitely hire some extra help that would extend even beyond that week. On the other hand, perhaps having your 3 y.o. out of your hair would make life easier for a few days. It is reasonable to say to your in-laws that because you just gave birth, you are not up to flying.

On the flip side, if you really did want to attend, or if there are events that you do want to attend that you have to miss all the time, it seems like you may need some partners or something as you discussed above to alleviate the intensity of your work situation.

jf198400 · March 2014

If these people think that inducing labor early so mom can leave a 1week old newborn to go to a wedding, is a good idea, then they are so self-centered that you are never going to win with them. I can totally understand you not wanting to go with a young baby, for a long expensive trip. Especially since it sounds like the sisters don't give a shit about you and your life. Since you are unlikely to make them happy no matter what you do, I would decide with your DH what works for you and your family. I think DH going with the 3yr old is a very good compromise.
FWIW, DH and I went to a (local) wedding when DS was 2months old and BFing and DD was 2yrs old, and left them overnight with my ILs. Is it fun pumping in a bathroom stall at a wedding? No, but it was worth it to be at the wedding with good friends. BUT, I would not be comfortable leaving a 2month old with a babysitter I didn't know.

snicksnack · March 2014

Everything else set aside I would not fly that far with a two month old. If I really wanted to go I would see if I could find somone at home that could help maybe my parents but more than likely I would miss the wedding even if I was sad about it. Sometimes you have to put family first and his side should understand and if they don't shame on them. I would not talk about job etc... simply I have a two month old and I don't want to fly with a two month old or the approach of wait and see but DH and your other child will be there.

thedash · March 2014

I think you should stay home with both kids and send DH alone. Maybe look for a mother's helper for the evening.

*sparky* · March 2014

I agree with the PP's who said it sounds like no mater what the IL's won't be completely happy, so do what works best for your family. If DH wants to and is ok with taking your 3-yr-old, then send the two of them together. I would travel with a young infant to certain family weddings, but not for the situation you are describing.

rubber_chicken · March 2014

I think your husband should go to his sister's wedding. Her white tie, Tuesday night wedding. *side eye*

I think you and the children should stay home. Why would you pay to fly your 3 year old out to a wedding he's not invited to? So he can sit around with a strange babysitter you've never met?? Um, no.

If your ILs pitch a fit, well who cares. They can suck it. They sound batsh*t crazy.

willy_gert · March 2014

If it were me, I would talk to my DH and see what he was thinking/ feeling. Is there going to be more going on than just the wedding? Something that your kids will be invited to? If there is, I would consider going, but you staying with your kids during the wedding.

I totally understand IL's being inconsiderate, but you have to be the bigger person. My SIL and BIL were 1/2 an hour late for LO's 1st birthday party and we didn't do anything before they got there. (i.e. we held up letting LO have her cake etc.) Then the next day at her dedication, they made a big scene about leaving before lunch, etc. It made me angry but I just smiled and went along with it, because I just wanted my baby to be happy and I wanted to make sure the least amount of pain was inflicted on my DH.

In the end you have to make sure that you and your DH are doing what is best for your family, while also being the best family members you can.

bcnoelle · March 2014

jf198400 said:

If these people think that inducing labor early so mom can leave a 1week old newborn to go to a wedding, is a good idea, then they are so self-centered that you are never going to win with them. I can totally understand you not wanting to go with a young baby, for a long expensive trip. Especially since it sounds like the sisters don't give a shit about you and your life. Since you are unlikely to make them happy no matter what you do, I would decide with your DH what works for you and your family. I think DH going with the 3yr old is a very good compromise. FWIW, DH and I went to a (local) wedding when DS was 2months old and BFing and DD was 2yrs old, and left them overnight with my ILs. Is it fun pumping in a bathroom stall at a wedding? No, but it was worth it to be at the wedding with good friends. BUT, I would not be comfortable leaving a 2month old with a babysitter I didn't know.

I think a lot of it is that I don't think they really give a crap about anyone but themselves, like you said. Engaged SIL wants her wedding exactly how she wants it. MIL wants to see all of her grand babies together (with a babysitter though?). The only really selfless one is the sister who is inducing her birth (which is just insane and not even in her own baby's self interest) to make the wedding. The friction between family that this will create in the future is already there, just hasn't been pushed by a big event like this yet. Thanks for the response.

bcnoelle · March 2014

snicksnack said:

Everything else set aside I would not fly that far with a two month old. If I really wanted to go I would see if I could find somone at home that could help maybe my parents but more than likely I would miss the wedding even if I was sad about it. Sometimes you have to put family first and his side should understand and if they don't shame on them. I would not talk about job etc... simply I have a two month old and I don't want to fly with a two month old or the approach of wait and see but DH and your other child will be there.

It annoys me that they don't understand our careers, but you're right that I should just focus on not flying with a 2 month old or even so soon after childbirth (scheduled c-section) if I'm not feeling ready.

bcnoelle · March 2014

mal922 said:

These people sound horrible. My ILs don't always "get it" when it comes to our travel and vacation limits, so I understand your frustration. In fact, I'm pretty sure most of the women in DH's family think I do nothing but hang out with DS all day and my job is totally unimportant since I work from home. Until recently, I was Counsel with a big law firm and worked at least 50 hrs a week (despite not having to go into an office). Anyway, if it were me, I'd talk to my DH to find out what HE wants to do and how HE feels about attending his sister's wedding (forget the mother). Then, assuming he is reasonable, I'd have the conversation about potentially not being able to take a 2 month old and work concerns, and knowing my DH, he'd probably want to play it by ear a bit. We did fly to a family wedding with our son when he was right at 4 mos and it was fine. Kids weren't invited to the black tie wedding, so luckily, we have a friend in the city the wedding was located in and she was able to watch DS that night. However, in DH's family, you just attend all of that stuff and see your relatives at least a couple of times a year despite distance and cost, etc. It might have been different if that weren't the norm in his family.

DH is ok with the compromise to bring the 3 year old and for myself and the infant to stay home. That being said, he's not the best for being blunt and telling the his parents and sisters what our plan is. He avoids the subject or just gives vague answers. I've let him play this game with them and wound up being pushed over for other vacations. It creates tension between us because he just thinks any issues will go away on their own. I'm just going to have to be ok with being the one who spells it out once DH and I have made an agreement as to what's right for us as a family.If I had things "my way" I'd want to keep my 3 year old at home just cause I have no idea who MIL hired to babysit. The in-laws actually live in CA, but the wedding is in Utah- so who knows what references they have on this babysitter. I know my MIL thinks I am very overprotective, but whatever that's my right.

bcnoelle · March 2014

willy_gert said:

If it were me, I would talk to my DH and see what he was thinking/ feeling. Is there going to be more going on than just the wedding? Something that your kids will be invited to? If there is, I would consider going, but you staying with your kids during the wedding.

I totally understand IL's being inconsiderate, but you have to be the bigger person. My SIL and BIL were 1/2 an hour late for LO's 1st birthday party and we didn't do anything before they got there. (i.e. we held up letting LO have her cake etc.) Then the next day at her dedication, they made a big scene about leaving before lunch, etc. It made me angry but I just smiled and went along with it, because I just wanted my baby to be happy and I wanted to make sure the least amount of pain was inflicted on my DH.

In the end you have to make sure that you and your DH are doing what is best for your family, while also being the best family members you can.

I really don't know what other plans there are with family besides the wedding, but since it's on a Tuesday I don't think DH will be gone much longer than a Sunday-Wednesday. Especially since if my 3 year old goes and I don't, I really wouldn't want to spend a whole week without him. I understand having to suck it up with family at times and I do feel we've done that by making an annual trip out. But I think waiting 1/2 hour to start a birthday party and keeping calm when family makes a scene versus flying 5 hours with a toddler/infants, re-arranging work, and spending $2100 on airfare is a bit different. I guess the main difference is that this is something we have control over to make a decision about ahead of time and really weighing the pros-cons.

bcnoelle · March 2014

thedash said:

I think you should stay home with both kids and send DH alone. Maybe look for a mother's helper for the evening.

Would love to do this, but I know DH would really like to bring him.

skibunny59 · March 2014

laurakaz13 said:

I actually don't think traveling with a 2 month old is a big deal at all. I flew with mine at 5 and 8 weeks and have flown over a dozen times with her since then. She slept the whole time as an infant.

That being said, if kids are not invited to the wedding I just would not go. I'm no fan of kids at adult events and truly don't think they belong at black tie weddings, but you will have a 2 month old. It should be clear that people with newborns just may not make it!

I would just stay home with your newborn and have DH and LO go. If anyone says a word, your H needs to say, "My wife just had a baby. She needs to stay home until she is fully up to travel. End of discussion."

This! Also, how in the hell is your SIL supposed to attend the wedding after just giving birth a week earlier.

Myaflowers · March 2014

Agree with all the PP. I wouldn't travel by plane with a 2 month old. I would be worried about the baby getting sick being in close quarters with so many people. I barely felt back to normal at 2 months PP and would have been doing good to make it to a wedding within driving distance at that point. Plus, that's a lot of money to expect someone to spend, especially since the kids won't even be at the wedding. I would send DH and maybe DD if you don't mind buying a plane ticket for her.

SoMoNY · March 2014

We don't go to any events that will be a burden we aren't willing to take on. We've declined invites and sent a check plenty of times.

Wouldn't feel bad about putting my immediate family first. Especially when it sounds like these SILs are still a bunch of freeloading kids.

thedash · March 2014

bcnoelle said:

thedash said:

I think you should stay home with both kids and send DH alone. Maybe look for a mother's helper for the evening.

Would love to do this, but I know DH would really like to bring him.

Your DH wants to fly cross country with a toddler (old enough to need his own ticket) and then leave him with a sitter you have never met/interviewed while he goes to a wedding alone? Why?

itsmevkb · March 2014

As long as your husband goes I think you're all set. Just send the reply card back with his name on it and a nice note on the back sending your best wishes and regrets.

bcnoelle · March 2014

thedash said:

thedash said:

I think you should stay home with both kids and send DH alone. Maybe look for a mother's helper for the evening.

Would love to do this, but I know DH would really like to bring him.
Your DH wants to fly cross country with a toddler (old enough to need his own ticket) and then leave him with a sitter you have never met/interviewed while he goes to a wedding alone? Why?

Because he knows that his parents are excited to see the 3 year old. Plus, I guess he's thinking there must be a rehearsal dinner or something where our toddler will be invited and get to meet some family members for the first time. DH's father is one of 11, so their family is huge. The part about leaving him with a babysitter that nobody has met is the most worrisome to me, but as a guy DH doesn't really think about these things. We had to leave DS with a sitter for a friend's wedding and my DH thinks this is the same thing (4 hour car ride away wedding). But in the scenario I got a referral for a sitter from a bridesmaid who used the sitter and was local to the area. I am going to do my best to speak with this sitter and get some references/background check whatever I can for the sister's wedding.

PSU_Texan · March 2014

bcnoelle said:

DH is ok with the compromise to bring the 3 year old and for myself and the infant to stay home. That being said, he's not the best for being blunt and telling the his parents and sisters what our plan is. He avoids the subject or just gives vague answers. I've let him play this game with them and wound up being pushed over for other vacations. It creates tension between us because he just thinks any issues will go away on their own. I'm just going to have to be ok with being the one who spells it out once DH and I have made an agreement as to what's right for us as a family.If I had things "my way" I'd want to keep my 3 year old at home just cause I have no idea who MIL hired to babysit. The in-laws actually live in CA, but the wedding is in Utah- so who knows what references they have on this babysitter. I know my MIL thinks I am very overprotective, but whatever that's my right.

This is totally where I am with my in-laws. My DH just kicks the can down the road hoping to avoid tough conversations. It creates huge tension in our relationship. I've had to just start being the "bad guy" when explaining our position. I do it lovingly and I do compromise where I can. So I think sending him with the 3-year old is a perfect solution.

bcnoelle · March 2014

PSU_Texan said:

bcnoelle said:

DH is ok with the compromise to bring the 3 year old and for myself and the infant to stay home. That being said, he's not the best for being blunt and telling the his parents and sisters what our plan is. He avoids the subject or just gives vague answers. I've let him play this game with them and wound up being pushed over for other vacations. It creates tension between us because he just thinks any issues will go away on their own. I'm just going to have to be ok with being the one who spells it out once DH and I have made an agreement as to what's right for us as a family.If I had things "my way" I'd want to keep my 3 year old at home just cause I have no idea who MIL hired to babysit. The in-laws actually live in CA, but the wedding is in Utah- so who knows what references they have on this babysitter. I know my MIL thinks I am very overprotective, but whatever that's my right.

This is totally where I am with my in-laws. My DH just kicks the can down the road hoping to avoid tough conversations. It creates huge tension in our relationship. I've had to just start being the "bad guy" when explaining our position. I do it lovingly and I do compromise where I can. So I think sending him with the 3-year old is a perfect solution.

I'm "glad" others are in my position when it comes with DH's and communicating with in-laws. It seems to be one of the biggest issues in our relationship, which I never expected prior to getting married. At least we're both learning (slowly) how we can compromise and communicate to pull together as a family unit.

Mustardseed2007 · March 2014

Personally I wouldn't leave my 2 month old with anyone so I could attend a Tuesday, white tie, no kids allowed wedding that I have to get to by plane. I just wouldn't. I agree about a lot of your post being irrelevant, but it doesn't change the fact that I think you have a good plan sending your H and older daughter and you staying home with your infant. And I wouldn't care about them having hard feelings, but then again as long as they didn't confront me about my decision in some dramatic way I wouldn't hold it against them for having an incredibly inconvenient wedding either

Puppies+Rainbows+Unicorns · March 2014

Yikes, these people sound crazy to me! If your baby is late you might not have time to get 8 week shots by then--there is no way I would take a baby on a flight without them. This might be a good excuse.

bcnoelle · March 2014

K3am said:

I say, do what's right for you and your family. Take work out of the equation. Financially, it's a stretch. Anytime someone has a destination wedding, especially one on a TUESDAY, they need to be accepting of the fact that not everyone will be able to make it. (Although, Tuesday isn't the main problem for you, it just goes to show the level of selfishness involved in this wedding.)

Your IL's are never going to understand, but they sound like incredibly selfish people. You and YH need to be prepared for the fact that this will cause problems. You've got the added wrinkle that it's family. It's difficult to draw a line in the sand and stay away from them and you'll never be cut off from them entirely.

I think sending YH & your 3 y/o is a good compromise, and will give you some one on one time with the baby. Maybe a friend can come stay with you in the evenings at least and give you a hand? FWIW, we've used a nanny agency in a town where we didn't know anyone and didn't have any personal recommendations, and it worked out really well. Your MIL has probably done something similar - I would definitely ASK her though..

My ex-BFF had her wedding in Puerto Rico. They planned the wedding after knowing I was pregnant (I would NOT have expected them to plan their wedding around me under ANY circumstances), but acted shocked and offended when we let them know that we likely wouldn't be attending since DD would only be 2 months old at the time, we'd be on a tight budget after me not getting paid for a period of time, it would require a minimum of 10 hours travel time each way, and that we didn't think it was the right decision for our family. Apparently, this was equivalent of saying I didn't support their marriage or value them as friends.. ex-BFF and her husband haven't talked to us since, didn't acknowledge the birth of the baby, nothing. The whole situation has caused so much heartache for me, it's ridiculous. They invited 150 people to a destination wedding, and I can only hope that she didn't lose ALL her friends who didn't attend over it, but I wouldn't be surprised. We're now about 10 months past their wedding, and about 16 months past the last time she's spoken to me. I tried reaching out several times, but it's only been in the few weeks and a lot of reflection that I've come to the conclusion that most of our relationship (I've known her since I was 3), was spent with me trying to appease her and keep her happy. MH finally felt comfortable letting me know that he's actually happier without her in my life and that she was such a demanding and selfish person that, while he was upset that the situation hurt me, at the end of the day he's glad to have separation from her. (And that he gives them 3 years before they're divorced).. (Sorry, I totally rambled here. Weddings bring out the worst in people, and heightens emotions for everything..)

At the end of the day, I don't regret our decision. Not even a little.

The good news is that my own mother can help a bit. She lives a couple of hours away and definitely isn't in the best shape to keep up with a toddler, but it's easier for her to help with a newborn. I just know that leaving a newborn with her for several days wouldn't be an option. So at least she could be there at night after work if needed.

Yes, a lot of people get so focused on their own events and it's difficult for them to understand how an infant/newborn changes a lot of flexibility and commitments. The thing is, I can't remember when I have once spoken to my SIL on the phone. We are facebook friends and have texted about things here and there, but it's not like there is a relationship to really ruin. It's sad that the relationship seems to be me playing defense for whatever vacations/trips they are hoping we will take. The in-laws still see their family as "the family" and don't realize that we have our own family now to consider as well. Both sisters have/had been dating their significant others for years before DH and I met. DH and I got engaged a year after dating and they both didn't hide their surprise or the fact that they weren't getting married first. Well DH and I have been together 6 years now and finally one of the sisters is planning her wedding and you better believe it's whatever she wants (after dating her guy for 8-9 years).

bcnoelle · March 2014

Mustardseed2007 said:

Personally I wouldn't leave my 2 month old with anyone so I could attend a Tuesday, white tie, no kids allowed wedding that I have to get to by plane. I just wouldn't. I agree about a lot of your post being irrelevant, but it doesn't change the fact that I think you have a good plan sending your H and older daughter and you staying home with your infant. And I wouldn't care about them having hard feelings, but then again as long as they didn't confront me about my decision in some dramatic way I wouldn't hold it against them for having an incredibly inconvenient wedding either

I do think they'll hold it against me but in a weirdo passive aggressive way. No doubt they will try to start making Christmas plans where we can all fly out then. Sigh. I know that SIL keeps texting my DH to see about his getting plane tickets to go to the engagement party next month across the country. It's nice that it's on a Saturday...but the issues for that are still financial and I can't travel. I am high risk pregnancy with a cerclage and at risk for pre-term labor. My DH doesn't want to leave me in case something happens. SIL "knows" about this and yet is pretty relentless.

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