Loss check-in

stefuge · March 2014

I'll go ahead and get this started this week. Welcome to the checkin! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

angelsnight · March 2014

Ticker warning. (rainbow mentioned)

Sometimes I feel like I'm not healing. I've gotten thru the initial gut wrenching grief but now I'm at standstill. I've pushed things down deep inside and it erupts now and again.

We need to buy Kayla's new stuffed animal for her grave this year. And order her cake for her angelversary. MH will be with me for both these things which will help.

When we found out she was a girl, we got a bunch of cupcakes with pink filling inside and went to my MIL and FILs, then to my SILs and then my brother's house to deliver them and see their reaction. We took video and it was just a lot of fun to see how happy everyone was.

I finished my rainbows nursery today. It's the same room and colors but a different theme. I was happy to finish it and so happywe get to meet her soon, but sad that it never got to be our angel's room. I also felt the need to read my blog entry about Kayla's birth and of course I cried. Just an emotional day.

shandorfml2 · March 2014

Thanks for posting the check in @Stefuge !

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?I made it through my baby's first birthday!! Wow, I can't believe it..I've been on this board almost a year. Seems insane...feels like just yesterday! I love you ladies for all the support.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?Hmm. Well, we cleaned our house and I want to keep it that way. I feel much better with it clean. I want to finish framing her dried flowers.

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy.When I first felt her move, I was listening to System of a down singing loudly haha. She liked my taste in music!

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? My sweet baby girl, and how much I love her!

ikrystal · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Big step tomorrow - meeting with my RE to discuss FET. I'm not sure if I'm ready. I thought I was, but then I kept thinking that if the FET works that the little baby inside me wont be Conner or Benjamin... and I got angry at this psuedo future baby. Sooo... probably not even close to ready, huh?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? We are either doing an FET or going to Alaska on a cruise. Plan - well, I guess thats up to our RE. I wouldn't even say this is a "goal" - just steps toward the future.

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy. Feeling Conner and Benjamin move for the first time. It was right before they turned 18 weeks. I'm not sure which one I felt, but I had three little taps right in a row in the same exact spot on my right side of my belly. I knew it was them. We went to the fire department Christmas party the next day and I bragged to everyone about it, like such a proud mama!

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? The only thing I can think of right now is our RE appointment tomorrow. I'm so nervous about the whole thing; but whether we have this appointment tomorrow, or next month, or next year, I'm going to be a nervous wreck.

shandorfml2 · March 2014

Good luck at your appt tomorrow @ikrystal

ikrystal · March 2014

shandorfml2 said:

Good luck at your appt tomorrow @ikrystal

Thank you

and happy belated to your dear daughter

shandorfml2 · March 2014

ikrystal said:

shandorfml2 said:

Good luck at your appt tomorrow @ikrystal

Thank you

and happy belated to your dear daughter

Thank you

Bgirma · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
Like @angelsnight mentioned, I also feel like I've been at a bit of standstill emotionally. I had a breakdown on his 2 month birthday (last Tuesday) and have been feeling so sad and angry since then. Physically, I'm doing well. I'm on my third week of training for the 10K and have been going to Pilates. It's a good distraction for me.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
I just reached out to my friend who had her baby on Christmas as well. I have a goal of seeing her in the next week or so. Even though I miss her so much, I'm sure it will be difficult.. And I know that I can't keep hiding forever.

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy.

I had hyperemesis so I was pretty sick until week 30 but those last 9 weeks were amazing, I felt wonderful and loved feeling him move.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit my job in the late spring/early summer. Also, I'm starting to come around to the idea of trying to get pregnant again. It's still terrifying but I finally feel like I might try again someday.

stefuge · March 2014

@angelsnight - I know how you feel about not healing, or being at a standstill. I've have felt similarly lately. Almost like the beginning is so intense, that I'm just at a point now where there isn't much more to deal with, at least not yet. I feel like my pain and sorrow have settled down into my being, my core, and is just a part of me now. ((Hugs)) as you near Kayla's angelversary and your rainbow's arrival!

@shandorfm12 - I am so glad that Ana's first birthday wasn't too difficult! It is amazing how quickly time goes by. Friday was 6 months for us, and it still feels like yesterday.

@ikrystal - Good luck at your appointment tomorrow and let us know how it goes! It is normal to be all over the place about TTCAL. Of course, this is a very personal decision, and a lot of factors weight into it, but don't feel like you have to do anything until you are ready. You want to be ready, both for your boys and for your future children. TTC again has been a difficult decision for me as well, and we have decided to wait, for both physical and emotional reasons. Like I said, I know this decision is different for everyone. I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow!

@bgirma - so many ((hugs)) for things being so difficult lately! And good for you for reaching out to your friend! I'm sure that was very difficult. I remember 6 weeks from our loss being one of the hardest times for me. It felt like the shock had worn off about then, and it really was absorbing. Lots of ((hugs)).

stefuge · March 2014

****DS Mentioned****

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? This past Friday was 6 months for us. So hard to believe it has been that long! I got many messages from friends and family the day of, which was really lovely and special. Leading up to Friday, though, MH had completely forgotten that the 6 month mark was coming, which was really hard for me. He's been totally distracted by work lately, but it still kind of hurt that he didn't realize it, and may not have, if I hadn't said anything.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Nothing really. Continuing to work on getting healthier and losing weight, as well as keeping up with my blog.

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy. One of my happiest memories was last May. MH and I had gone out of town for our anniversary (first time out of town overnight without DS - which was a big deal!) and we had such a great weekend together. I was about 4 months pregnant and we were so happy and excited and hopeful for our life. I just remember feeling so content and happy!

kflynn81 · March 2014

@ikrystal hope your appointment went ok today!
@shandorfml2 happy belated bday to your little girl, your comment about System of a Down made me giggle

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I've finally been able to leave the door open to Jack's room. It was only a partially started nursery but there is furniture and a closet full of clothes. Door has been shut but its time I think to leave it open and be ok with seeing it.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Our goal is to give Jack a sibling. We have embryos in storage and have decided to attempt another FET to do so. I'm still so sad about Jack, and that will never change, but the desire to be a parent is also so overwhelming I can't stand it. I'm seeing my RE tomorrow to have a sonohystogram done. Provided everything is ok I'm starting the Lupron injections this week.
QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy. They all were so happy its hard to pick just one.... I guess I'd have to say sharing the news with my parents. I'm an only child and they recently moved from Chicago to Nashville last summer. We just happened to be visiting them the day after my beta and I was able to share the news in person.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? My SIS tomorrow. I'm nervous he will find something and I'll need another D&C.... I'm nervous it will be ok and about starting another FET.... I'm nervous about setting foot inside the building, as the last time I just drove past the building I started to cry. I should be 30 weeks along, not going back to my RE I'm also scared that people will think poorly of me that we're trying again so soon after Jack was lost.

stefuge · March 2014

@kflynn81 - so many ((hugs)) for your appointment tomorrow. I hope you get the information you need and a plan going forward. Good job with taking a first step with Jack's nursery as well. That is extremely difficult, and seeing it everyday is hard.

ikrystal · March 2014

Thanks for all the well wishes! I'm off to the RE... will update everyone later.

JessicaG220 · March 2014

stefuge said:

I'll go ahead and get this started this week. Welcome to the checkin! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

JessicaG220 · March 2014

Ugh I hate the internet at work. I typed out a long reply and it only quoted the original text... Grr.

Maybe Joleisa · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really. Every week seems like Groundhog's Day, but instead it is Groundhog's week. Sundays I'd like to sit in a dark hole and never come out; things gradually get better throughout the week, but then by Friday I start digging the hole and by Sunday I'm sitting in it again.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Return to church.

Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? No plan yet. I went to see the Son of God movie on Sunday...that was close enough, right?

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy. While going through IF treatments scares the beejezus out of you every step of the way, I'm actually quite blissfully ignorant once I see the 2 dazzling pink lines on the FRER. I had a very dreamy 21+ weeks of pregnancy with no morning sickness. The happiest memory was probably after our anatomy scan when we found out all 2001 body parts checked out--we were ecstatic and went into overdrive registering and planning the nursery.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm wondering when AF will arrive. Last year she arrived 35 days after my D & C. I imagine it will take a little longer following this loss, as it was a vaginal delivery and I really only stopped spotting last week. Today is 37 days and counting...

ikrystal · March 2014

Maybe Joleisa said:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really. Every week seems like Groundhog's Day, but instead it is Groundhog's week. Sundays I'd like to sit in a dark hole and never come out; things gradually get better throughout the week, but then by Friday I start digging the hole and by Sunday I'm sitting in it again.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Return to church.
Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? No plan yet. I went to see the Son of God movie on Sunday...that was close enough, right?

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy. While going through IF treatments scares the beejezus out of you every step of the way, I'm actually quite blissfully ignorant once I see the 2 dazzling pink lines on the FRER. I had a very dreamy 21+ weeks of pregnancy with no morning sickness. The happiest memory was probably after our anatomy scan when we found out all 2001 body parts checked out--we were ecstatic and went into overdrive registering and planning the nursery.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm wondering when AF will arrive. Last year she arrived 35 days after my D & C. I imagine it will take a little longer following this loss, as it was a vaginal delivery and I really only stopped spotting last week. Today is 37 days and counting...

Was that Son of God movie good? Our church showed us previews and I'm just not sure if I have the strength to see it just yet.

stefuge · March 2014

@Maybe Joleisa - I remember those weeks where every day just got harder and harder. I had many Friday afternoons where I just hid under the covers in bed, hoping it would all go away. So many ((hugs)). FX you see AF soon!

Maybe Joleisa · March 2014

@ikrystal The movie was good, but for some reason when I got out to the parking lot I burst into tears. (My church actually rented out a theater and in a few weeks the sermon will tie in things about the movie.)

@stefuge Thank you. (In fact I am perfectly content hiding under the covers and watching the paint on the ceiling or the wall!)

kflynn81 · March 2014

Maybe Joleisa said:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really. Every week seems like Groundhog's Day, but instead it is Groundhog's week. Sundays I'd like to sit in a dark hole and never come out; things gradually get better throughout the week, but then by Friday I start digging the hole and by Sunday I'm sitting in it again.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Return to church.
Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? No plan yet. I went to see the Son of God movie on Sunday...that was close enough, right?

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy. While going through IF treatments scares the beejezus out of you every step of the way, I'm actually quite blissfully ignorant once I see the 2 dazzling pink lines on the FRER. I had a very dreamy 21+ weeks of pregnancy with no morning sickness. The happiest memory was probably after our anatomy scan when we found out all 2001 body parts checked out--we were ecstatic and went into overdrive registering and planning the nursery.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm wondering when AF will arrive. Last year she arrived 35 days after my D & C. I imagine it will take a little longer following this loss, as it was a vaginal delivery and I really only stopped spotting last week. Today is 37 days and counting...

I had the same experience at first about the Groundhog's week. I blogged about it and called it a Ferris Wheel...just going around and around. At least for me, breaking the cycle was helped by finding one small thing different to do on my weekends. Sundays and Mondays are /were worst for me..... so Sunday I might just leave the house and get a Starbucks. Its a work in progress of course, but it seems to be helping.

LyndseyTS · March 2014

I don't know if this is where I'm supposed to be, but I need a new home. I have been posting in my BMC and then on the high-risk board, but we found out yesterday that our little one's heart has stopped beating and she will be stillborn. I haven't given birth yet, but is it okay if I join you? I feel like I need somewhere to be. I'm going to answer the questions anyway and hope that you'll take me.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
It's all pretty fresh around here. Just trying to make it through hour by hour at this point. Giving it up to God.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Get through the induction/labour, and the funeral. Don't rabbit hole myself and give up on the world, which I am very very tempted to do right now and the worst has yet to come.

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy.

On (what I believe to be) her last day with us, she gave me a swift kick in the belly, as if to say goodbye. I think that's a memory that I will cherish for life. I wish that my DH could have felt her.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
I feel like I don't have one. Trying to piece together details all the while not caring about them. I know they need to happen, but my heart isn't in it. Not looking forward to labour, terrified about what it will be like and how it will be once she's really, physically, gone.

ikrystal · March 2014

LyndseyTS said:

I don't know if this is where I'm supposed to be, but I need a new home. I have been posting in my BMC and then on the high-risk board, but we found out yesterday that our little one's heart has stopped beating and she will be stillborn. I haven't given birth yet, but is it okay if I join you? I feel like I need somewhere to be. I'm going to answer the questions anyway and hope that you'll take me.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
It's all pretty fresh around here. Just trying to make it through hour by hour at this point. Giving it up to God.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Get through the induction/labour, and the funeral. Don't rabbit hole myself and give up on the world, which I am very very tempted to do right now and the worst has yet to come.

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy.

On (what I believe to be) her last day with us, she gave me a swift kick in the belly, as if to say goodbye. I think that's a memory that I will cherish for life. I wish that my DH could have felt her.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
I feel like I don't have one. Trying to piece together details all the while not caring about them. I know they need to happen, but my heart isn't in it. Not looking forward to labour, terrified about what it will be like and how it will be once she's really, physically, gone.

I am so sorry to hear that your little girl has passed away. You will find a ton of support here on this board. I dont know you, but you already sound like such a strong mother. I wish you the best.

Bgirma · March 2014

@LyndseyTS- I am so so sorry for your loss. I found so much support here after our son died, I hope the same for you. I'll be thinking about you and your family over the next few days.

stefuge · March 2014

@LyndseyTS - I am so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with yourself in the days and weeks to come, and know that we are here whenever you need us.

Mrodriguez898 · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
I finally came to terms that I can not get through this without some professional help. Just went through some information to speak to a counselor/psychiatrist.
I have gone back to work to stay busy

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
I am ready to work on my emotions. And I want to lose weight to be at a better weight for my next pregnancy! I am going to the gym with a friend and thinking of getting a treadmill for home

QOTW: Happy Memory: I remember feeling the first kick I felt. She was determined to be felt. Lol. And I remember the week I went into labor, that she must of thought I was a horrible singer because I was always screaming the lyrics out in the car.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
I still wish I can turn back time and hold her just a bit longer and give her one more kiss. But she is my special Angel and I am glad to have been able to hold her until her last moment.

stefuge · March 2014

@Mrodriguez898 - good for you for speaking to a therapist. MH and I really felt like we benefitted from having a professional to talk to, and I hope you find it to be just as helpful! Good job with getting to the gym and GL with losing some weight!

GymSpaz26 · March 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I've just been really trying to reach out a little more to friends and others instead of waiting for them to reach out to me like I have mostly been doing for the last couple months. Trying to even motivate myself to do some little things to bless others.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Get more organized about losing weight. I gained almost 40lbs (on top of the almost 20lbs I gained in the year before) in my almost 42 weeks of pregnancy... Between baby and and working out I've lost 20. But really, I've only lost 5-6 pounds besides the initial baby and fluids and whatnot. I've been exercising a lot and hard for the last two months, but have kind of been half-hearted about really trying to eat better and be serious about losing the weight. So, that is my goal in the next few days/weeks. Get organized. Make a plan. Start doing it. Especially because my midwife thinks this could be part of why it took us a while to conceive.

QOTW: I'm on a quest to remember the happy memories, so share with us one of your happiest memories from your angel's pregnancy. I loved being pregnant. Of course it was hard sometimes, but I just loved it. I loved feeling Zedekiah move around, especially later in the pregnancy when he seemed to stick out in every direction. I would push against his feet or knees just to get him to readjust and to make sure he was doing okay. He probably thought I was pretty obnoxious! I also loved that he really seemed to respond to music. Even when I was around 20 weeks he would start moving around like crazy if there was any sort of loud music!

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I met with my midwife on Tuesday, which was a big step for me. It meant kind of a change of perspective from the past to looking forward and accepting the reality of where we are right now. We talked a lot about her recommendations for how long to wait (because of C-Section and hope/need to try for a VBAC). But also realizing how long it took to get pregnant the first time and that we can't wait forever. It was a very good appointment. My midwife is wonderful and truly cares about me and how I'm doing and took the time to really talk through things with me. I have sooo much going round and round in my head now! But hopefully some things that I can start doing now that might help getting pregnant a little easier next time. (Hoping)

stefuge · March 2014

@GymSpaz26 - I'm glad your appointment with your midwife went so well! I had a similar meeting with my doctor a couple months ago and I left feeling so much better! Having a plan going forward and seeing how much she cared about us and wanted to do everything to have a healthy pregnancy, it felt very healing. I love what you said about Zedekiah dancing to the music - Colton would do similar and that is so great to remember. GL with the weight loss!

LyndseyTS · March 2014

@ikrystal, @Bgirma, and @stefuge Thank you for letting me join your group and for your kind words. I'm certain that no one really "wants" to, but I'm glad to have found another supportive community to talk.

It all feels much more real for both DH and I now that I've gone through the birth process. Next steps: funeral on Sunday. Sending love and support back your way...I wish that you didn't have to be here either.

Edit - I don't know how to use the spacebar, apparently.

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