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Working Moms
EgoCommaAlter
member
Sunday night and I feel like swallowing every pill in the house
EgoCommaAlter
member
in Working Moms
I have such a long commute and am so far behind in my field and company I feel like it's never going to be worth it. I'm leaving my kids to be raised by strangers, they're at daycare so much that my oldest is forgetting my native language (which I speak to him at home) and learning words and ideas that I just don't like. I feel like I have this label as an unhappy employee that I will never shake (and guess what? After 3 hours a day in the car I'm not, but that's the only job I could get. If my employer is reading this, I LIKE MY JOB, but I hate having dizzy spells and chest pains during my commute). I'm the oldest woman at my company by FAR, meaning I'm fattest and ugliest (seriously, I have a genetic disorder that causes me to be fat and with bad skin, and it's an area with a lot of old money, designer clothes, and cosmetic surgery), and probably one of the least successful people in this area. It's barely worth it to me - while I know I'm underpaid, I did change industries after some time as a SAHM, and I haven't made this small a paycheck in a decade. So to recap, my kids don't get a mom, and they don't get a lot of extra money out of the bargain either (I'm not knocking those of you who are actually successful at what you do; your children clearly benefit. Mine do not).
To top it off, I have no RL friends or any sort of support system. The well-educated professionals (I consider myself one, even though I'm a failure at my career) want nothing to do with me, and then when the people just out of rehab who've lost their kids to Child Services want to pal around, I'm labeled a snob because I'd rather not have stuff like that in my energy field. After two years in this area, I'm still occasionally told something to the effect of "move back to where you came from, we have enough people here that need jobs already". Anyone I still talk to from home tells me stuff like, "at least you can have kids", "you should look at your commute as me time", "you should do X, Y, Z..." (Note: I added up all the stuff people say I should be doing, plus the commitments I already have - it comes out to more than 24 hours a day), or my favorite, "You learned to read at X young age/got Y on the SATs/have an IQ of Z, you really should have a better career."
I just feel like such a failure. I don't see it ever getting better. Is this normal for WM, or do I need a mental health day tomorrow?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Sunday night and I feel like swallowing every pill in the house
Well, I'm not with my kids physically, and my career is such a joke they don't even get any benefit of me working. What, to remember a terrible example as a parent? "My mom was really smart, but always miserable, I might as well pack this bowl and pop in another anime Blu-ray?"
I'm afraid if I go to the ER, my job will find out... I feel like I will be fired if I get labeled z"suicidal" too. My husband is another one, who feels like everything is my fault because I suck. And I tell him, that's right. I do suck, I have made terrible career choices, and now they can't be reversed or course corrected. I'm a joke. Nobody needs me.
Your children do need you. You missing will leave a void in their lives.
Sometimes days are really tough, and I know it can feel like nothing can be fixed and nothing will ever get better, but when those days are really tough, it can be hard to see the light because everything is so cloudy. Sometimes holding someone's hand can help you towards something better. Please call or contact someone.
And no, this is not normal. Maybe Sunday isn't the happiest day in the world, but it shouldn't feel this bad. A mental health day is definitely in order at minimum.
I'm sorry to say this, but the suicide hotline is a waste of time. "uh huh, that sucks, ok gotta go now, bye" is pretty much all they have to say. I've called several.
My concern is IF I can find another person in my life who cares if I live or die and isn't hell-bent on blaming everything from 9-11 to climate change on me, they'd bring me to the ER. The resulting hospitalization and doctor's note would get back to my employers, who would fire me. And then everything would be worse. Everyone would hate me more for being fired, and I'd have even more of a struggle finding a job. Who knows, maybe I could be in the car for 6 hours a day next time...
Harry Styles = Life Ruiner
There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
Without you I'll never make it out alive
But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing
I'm sorry, I know you're trying to be nice but I need to defend this. I have some biological relatives with, ahem, less than stellar life paths, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with that also.
But I've never touched drugs I didn't have a prescription for, and never had worse trouble with the law than a speeding ticket. And while nobody here was saying this, having to CONSTANTLY hear IRL "you could end up just like your biological Relative So-and-So" if I, say, get a "satisfactory not excellent" performance review, don't get invited to the right parties, etc, truly has not been helpful. A reason I cannot go through my husband's EAP program is that the intake counselor lied and said I was abusing drugs - dumb bitch, the conversation was being recorded, and I clearly stated I've never touched them. Perhaps if just ONE person had not been so goddam harsh on me, or held back with the completely false and out-there labels, I would be in a better place right now.
My oldest just turned 3 and will not remember me.
I know you are scared and angry but just pick up the phone and call for help. Right now.
Please tell me you're not a mental health professional. That is not helpful, and not something you should EVER say to someone who is depressed. Holy crap.
Then understand that when you make comments like the above to someone seriously depressed, you appear to be goading them into it. I don't care what your intentions were, if the bolded/above is the way you talk to those you're trying to help, I shudder to imagine what you do and say to those you're trying to hurt.
Well, your nasty post and your defense of it got some "hearts". So I guess you're not alone in your self-righteous judgement. Just know that having to deal with people like you, makes my and likely others' depression worse. Hopefully that is some comfort to you.
If you were "trying to help", I'm a six-legged frog who moonlights as a Liza Minelli impersonator. For the love of GOD, unless you're trying to solve the global overpopulation issues, never "try to help" a person who's down again until you get some therapy for your own trauma.
Had you offered the fact of your brother's loss up front, rather than your incredibly cruelly and bitchily worded judgements, I and likely others would have received your post differently. I am truly deeply sorry for your brother's suffering, as well as for your and your family's loss. That is why I will keep my assessment of your apparent character and lack of compassion to myself.
Honestly, I'm beating my head against a wall here, though feel less desperate today.
I have some let's say uncommon external constraints that limit my ability to just waltz into a psychologist's office, but a doctor back where I'm from is probably going to get me some antidepressants, and I have been looking for life coaches. Granted, I don't know how the F I'm supposed to afford the latter in terms of time or money, but there is that at least. In the meantime, work thinks I'm just dealing with severe allergy attacks.
I really appreciate the caring and reach-out from everyone here. Sucks when the only people that care if you live or die are strangers in the computer, but it's better than nothing.
Thank you ladies, seriously.