sigh, ILs... advice please?

jena5595 · March 2014

Hi Everyone - looking for a little advice when it comes to my ILs. My parents live in the same town as us, while DH's live about 2 hours away. Both grandparents are obviously obsessed with LO, so the visits on both sides have been frequent. ILs don't mind the drive and have been coming up just about every other weekend for a few hours to visit. (Of which, while beginning to grate on my nerves, I've been very accommodating.) That said, given where everyone lives, I pretty much assumed that for routine babysitting needs we would rely on my parents (since they are, ahem, 5 minutes away vs. a 4 hour round trip drive away).

DH doesn't want his parents to feel "left out" and is now saying that we should alternate who babysits (what the what!?). He said if we don't want to drive the baby the 2 hours to his parents (which, why would we) they would "happily" just stay at our place whenever they babysit. We have a 2 bedroom house (our room and the nursery), so even that just doesn't make sense and to me.

I understand that it is their grandchild too, but I think alternating is a bit much and really only just makes life more difficult for us. They get to see LO all the time, so I'm not really sure why the babysitting thing is such a big deal. I honestly don't want to fight about this, but what he's proposing would honestly drive me insane. What do you think? If I'm being irrational feel free to say so but otherwise is there some sort of solution/compromise I'm overlooking?

slwprincess · March 2014

As a TTM, I think you should alternate but not necessarily on a set schedule. It's really important to start the overnights early on IMO. Yes, there will be more planning involved when your ILs babysit (same for me) but ultimately, the extra hassle is worth it so that they have a strong relationship with LO and you can call on either set when you need to. Also, when you have more than 1 kid, it becomes CRUCIAL that you use your babysitting resources wisely. For example, DH and I both had strep this week and had to call in reinforcements. My mom took DS and ILs took DD. Baby is home with us. Thank God for options! I know that right now, it seems silly to go to so much effort but in the long run, you will see that it's much h better to lay the foundation now while #1 is little than to try to do it when they are older and you've got another LO complicating matters too!

RondackHiker · March 2014

I'd talk to your dh again. Tell him it's really important that your LO have a close relationship with all grandparents and that you do want to work hard to make that happen... But that "fair" won't always mean equal. Seeing one grandparent more does not mean that LO will be closer and you need to do what is practical at times.

You can suggest using his parents when you may be away a bit longer (other overnights, since this was already offered to your parents) or when they come to visit. And for dinners out, use your parents... Or his parents only spend one night.

I'd also tell him that only one person gets to be the first babysitter and that you are sorry his mom was disappointed... But that if it was swapped, you'd tell your mom she was being silly. We've had to remind both sets of grandparents that we will not be counting hours spent at each house or keeping track of who babysat last. That's just silly and stressful. We want them all involved and they are adults and should realize life isn't 50/50 and to whine and throw a tantrum is ridiculous.

versed · March 2014

I think you're being slightly irrational (but not totally!) ...

1. There's no way you should be driving LO to their place for babysitting. Why- so you can drive right back home to go out and make it 8hrs of drive. Makes no sense.

2. If they're willing to drive, why wouldn't you let them babysit? They have as much "claim" to time with LO as your parents. Just make sure they drive home after instead of sleeping over.

My family situation is reversed (ILs local and parents 90 min away). And we use my parents quite often for babysitting. Honestly, we use them more than MIL. However, due to DS1's sleep issues, we've done most of our dates during the day. Is that something you'd be willing to do? My parents have also done night-sitting and just driven home after.

My MIL, while local, is a more difficult sitter. She expects us to bring the kids over there every time. It's difficult to pack a house up for my son each time, although it gets easier as he gets older. She's been very helpful swinging by occasionally so I can have 1:1 time with DS2. So, can't complain.

So anyways, that was a whole long-winded reply. Hope I said something helpful.

ETA: agree with @rondackhiker that the split doesn't have to be 50/50 - but let them help, too!

jena5595 · March 2014

Thanks ladies - your perspective is definitely helpful! I 100% agree that it is nice to have the options. (better to have too much help than none at all!) I'm all for making sure LO has a good relationship with both sets, but agree that we'll never be able to hit a 50/50 balance.

This is the first grandchild on both sides, so I'm afraid it's pretty much uncharted territory for all. Our younger siblings can thank us later for sorting everything out

In thinking about it, it is more the staying over aspect that irritates me than them actually babysitting, and I think that's something I can broach with DH. Lord knows we could certainly use the time out alone - between being in survival mode with all things newborn and being snowed in every time we turn around, we're certainly getting a bit stir crazy.

Thanks again for your thoughtful advice!

Unknown · March 2014

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emm57 · March 2014

I agree with everything pp said. My ILs live about 90 mins away so we're in the same boat when it comes to babysitting. They either babysit during the day or if it is an evening I do let them spend the night. At first I wasn't sure about it, but now I love it when they spend the night because there are some perks.

1.) They never make us feel obligated to be home at a certain time so the can leave to go home. This has come in handy when plans change, something lasts longer than originslly thought, or we just arent ready to cut the evening short. A quick text asking if they dont mind us staying out later and we can continue our evening.

2) My MIL lets me and DH sleep in the next morning. She will get DS1 up, dressed, fed and ready for the day. Sometimes its just nice to not worry about who is going to get up with the kids especially after a night out. I always tell her she doesn't have to, but she swears she loves the time with her grandkids and she likes giving us a little break.

So if this would be something your MIL would do for you, then I say use let them stay over every once in a while, but you don't have to make it every single time the babysit either.

sdlaura · March 2014

I agree with all the advice from PPs. And I really wish I had this problem - we have to fly either parents or ILs 3,000 miles when we want a family member to babysit!

RedSoxGirl10 · March 2014

We have some slightly over-involved parents as well here

As others have mentioned, it's a great problem to have but it can be overwhelming too. Both sets of parents live relatively close, but I feel like whoever I ask to babysit I'm insulting the other family, kind of crazy.

In your situation, I would aim for day time dates when the ILs come. Maybe even next time they are planning to come, ask if you and your DH can go out for a few hours. I don't really love people staying over either so I understand that.

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sigh, ILs... advice please?

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