New here - Custody questions/Into

freeatlast2014 · February 2014

Hi everyone! I haven't bumped in a looong time...was mostly on birth-month boards. My DH and I are getting a divorce and I'm needing advice and support. I hope this is the right place...

We've been married almost 5 years and have a 17 month old and a 3 year old. This is so hard. My question - can any of you share ideas on custody arrangements that have worked in the past with children of those ages? I am going to have to move out of the house (I can't afford to live here) so I will need to get an apartment at some point and I hope to be closer to XH but my short term solution to get away from the abuse is to go to my family's about 1 hour away. My 3 year old is in preschool 3 days for 2 hours and I work 4 days per week. What can be the most helpful to the kids with as little disruption as possible? Or is that not even possible?

There is so much more I want to write...I really feel so sorry that the kids are witnessing this stuff (not physical, more verbal and emotional) and having their lives turned upside down. Help!

ambrvan · February 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this. Yes, you have come to a good board. I don't know much about the single parents board, but they might have some good advice for you too.

Personally, I think this question is very contingent on your H's relationship to this point with the kids and his healthy influence on them. And what kind of relationship/responsibility does he want?

I favor 50/50 when possible and healthy, but it isn't always.

CurlieWhirlie · February 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This is a good board, I hope you can find support and solidarity here — I know it makes me feel less alone!

I agree with @ambrvan, 50/50 is always best for the kids, but it really depends on your H and how he is with the kids.

When my ex and I first separated, he had DS two nights a week only (Friday and Saturday) because of his work schedule and he just wasn't set up in his new place to have him more than that. Now, two years later, we are fully 50/50 and it's been great for us. We live in the same town and my parents help with childcare and we all get along, so those are major factors in making this work for us.

It may take you time to get to that point, as you're currently going through the absolute worst part of it. Where you are now, I'd go with your instincts on how much shared custody you feel comfortable with. I hope you get the love and support you need from your family. (((hugs)))

nattyncbride · February 2014

I am sorry you are going through this, we are here for you.

I lived close to my ex (5-10min) and had a 18mo old when I moved out. I am not sure how applicable this is if you are an hour away, but we have a good 50/50 schedule (agree w/ PPs that this is the best for the kids) that we are keeping and re-evaluating only when LO starts school.

We do the 2/2/5/5. Parent A has LO Mon and Tues, Parent B has Wedn and Thurs, and Fri-Sun will switch off. If you are A, you'll have your kids Mon-Tues (2 days) or Friday-Tuesday (5 days). If B, you'll have the kids Wed-Thursday (2) or Wednesday-Sunday (5).

That way, I see my LO every week, but he also gets decent sized blocks of time with one parent and doesn't always feel uprooted. LO seems content with this, and likes the routine, as much as any child likes any of this.

Hang in there, things will get better, esp. when you get this all figured out.

nurrieum · February 2014

I don't have much to offer regarding custody advice but divorce is wounding. No matter how amicable or ugly it takes a toll. Be gentle with yourself. You will figure out what's best.

Welcome to a great board. It's a helpful place.

freeatlast2014 · February 2014

Thank you all for your support, I will be needing it!

SimpleJane · February 2014

My kids were 4 and 18 months when XH and I split up. It's going to be difficult on them no matter what.

My advice would be to first of all be positive in front of them at all times, never talk badly about the other parent. I can't stress that enough. Just make them feel safe and loved and reassure them when they are missing the other parent that that parent loves them and they will see them soon.

I'm actually not of the view that 50/50 is usually better. We tried it and it was very hard on the kids having a lot of back and forth. I do think k that even if one person has has the children primarily, it is best to be flexible and allow the non custodial parent as much time as possible.

Your particular schedule will probably depend on your and e's work schedules and living situations. A lawyer can go over the different options with you and if you and X can be reasonable with eachother it can be worked out fairly quickly.

I

blessedinthewest · February 2014

freeatlast2014 · March 2014

SimpleJane said:
My kids were 4 and 18 months when XH and I split up. It's going to be difficult on them no matter what.

My advice would be to first of all be positive in front of them at all times, never talk badly about the other parent. I can't stress that enough. Just make them feel safe and loved and reassure them when they are missing the other parent that that parent loves them and they will see them soon.

I'm actually not of the view that 50/50 is usually better. We tried it and it was very hard on the kids having a lot of back and forth. I do think k that even if one person has has the children primarily, it is best to be flexible and allow the non custodial parent as much time as possible.

Your particular schedule will probably depend on your and e's work schedules and living situations. A lawyer can go over the different options with you and if you and X can be reasonable with eachother it can be worked out fairly quickly.

I

Reasonable? A girl can hope that's what he will be but that is highly unlike.

I'm glad you mentioned the positive part. Although I don't trash my x to the kids they hear me on the phone and talking to family and friends and I will definitely stop that cause they may not know what I'm saying but they get the tone and it's never positive. Thanks for that advice.

ambrvan · March 2014

Trust me, kids pick up way more than we think. Especially in regards to the other parent. We all make mistakes and say too much or something hurtful or ugly sometimes, but it is soooo important to try our best to be the parent who is above the trash talk and negativity, whether our not the other returns the favor. Later in life, your kids will see it and thank you for it.

That's one of tge best things about this board. It's a great place to vent and get some outside perspective. People here will tell you the hard stuff that your friends and family won't. But it can be better to say it hear than out loud where it might hurt little ears.

lookame3639 · March 2014

I suggest looking up/finding an attorney who can tell you what the standard is for your state (if there is a standard custody). You can take that and go from there. Usually, unless your X has some major issues (recoded domestic violence against you, drug abuse, child abuse ect) this is what he will be awarded. If it works for you and your kiddos then more time (50/50) could also work and be healthy.

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