Mom not coming to shower?

sparkles98 · March 2014

Feeling extra sad today. My mom and I got into a fight last Tuesday when we had a talk about LO not being allowed in her apartment because she smokes and she smokes a lot. It's the third hand smoke I don't want him around I know she wouldn't smoke around him. Anyway her side of the family is throwing me a shower and we haven't spoken since the fight. She told me I'm ridiculous and that I should talk to a physiatrist. I told her there is no need since it's his health at risk. So at this point I'm assuming she won't coming to the shower. She doesn't drive so she would have to let me know so I could give her a ride. I think it will take me awhile to forgive her if she's a no show, I'm really broken up about it been crying all day.

Twirple · March 2014

That really stinks! Good for you for being a good advocate for your son, but I can understand how you feel. She will get past it eventually. Big HUGS to you.

chichi589 · March 2014

I'm so sorry:( it's a horrible feeling and as much as you can tell yourself it's ok there will be so many people that love you there it still hurts..
My mom won't come to my 2nd shower either because it's being held at my dad's house. She's going to one that my aunt is throwing for her side but she won't come to the other one because it's at my dad's house and there's "too many bad memories".... Like my whole childhood with my brothers, nbd. She's also the reason we have to have two showers since she didn't want my dad's sisters at her house so my dad offered his.... And he will leave for the day. Such drama. You'd think they would be able to put it aside for their daughters & grandchildren. I hope she shows and makes an effort. Try not to let it ruin your day!

Ashleypixie · March 2014

You poor thing! She's being childish. Unless she's been living in a bubble, she knows how dangerous even third hand smoke is to a baby. She knows what it's like to want to lay some ground rules as a new mother, and make the best decisions for the health and safety of the baby. I can't imagine how such an argument would keep her from your shower. She'll get passed this.

BiggerinRealLife · March 2014

I'm so sorry! I know you want your mom there, and it will totally suck if she's not, but you are in the right here. More than that, she's in the wrong, and she knows it. That's why she's throwing a tantrum, and potentially purposely trying to make you feel bad. Change is never easy, and a habit as ingrained as smoking is a killer to try to fix. Smokers nowadays are completely aware of the health risks associated with smoking, and they smoke anyway. I say this with no judgement, as a former social smoker myself, but it's true.

There's a lot of denial that comes with smoking; denial that it will eventually kill you, denial that it makes people want to be around you, etc. And when addictive denial meets boundaries - usually in the form of someone you love telling you you can't have something you want - it's explosive. You're basically telling her that she is a health risk to her grandchild, and that she has to choose between having the relationship she wants with him and smoking. You are absolutely right, and don't need a psychiatrist. If anything she does, as she has a destructive habit that she would choose over her grandson.

Stand your ground hon, and good for you for doing so. I know this isn't easy, but I've been there. Not with smoking, but in having to make the hard choice to let family members go when they were destructive to my family. I hope she can come to terms with this before it permanently damages your relationship.

And as far as dealing with her potentially not showing up at your shower, I can't say it any better than @dani+california did. I hope she comes to her senses though.

dani+california said:
If she doesn't show, try not to dwell on the fact that she's not there. Focus on all the love and support from the people who ARE in attendance. I'm sure you and your mother will get past this at some point, just don't let her ruin this special day for you. Good luck!

Rrrrrachel · March 2014

I'm so sorry. I would be upset, too. I hope you guys work it out.

HNRomance · March 2014

So sorry darlin. You are doing the right thing though. Furthermore, it's not ok for her to tell you to see a psychiatrist because she doesn't like your boundaries. That was out of line and immature.

KHendy27 · March 2014

I'm a very laid back parent and I wouldn't let my kids go to a smokey house either. I don't even like when people smoke near us outside. My mom moved to fla and misses a lot of big events here too. once you get there and are around everyone else, you'll get preoccupied and forget about her. Hope you have a nice shower!

LittleLady77 · March 2014

@BiggerinRealLife said it better than I could have. You are doing the right thing. I'm sorry it hurts but it's the right thing to do. I hope your mom has a change of heart, if she doesn't she will regret it for years.

nycgirlkat · March 2014

You are in the right. It's very hurtful what your mom is doing and I'm sorry to hear you are so upset. I just don't get how some smokers (even though they know what it does to themselves and others) live in denial!!! And the psychiatrist comment was a low blow.

My mom is the same, she loves to smoke and has COPD, the beginning of emphazema and still even after having a malignant tumor removed from her kidney she can't give it up. It's what "she likes to do and she deserves" (in her words).

I hope your mom can put her pride and habit aside (at least for a bit) for the sake of family.

mickany · March 2014

I feel ya completely! My mom didn't come to my baby shower either because of a fight between her and my sister. This being my first child too! I felt let down. People need to set their differences aside and do what's right.

Abcollins57 · March 2014

I hope y'all work it out before hand but I think you're doing the right thing also by standing your ground. My mom called and cancelled on me an hour before my shower, and being all pregnant/hormonal/emotional, it was so hard to not let it bother me. I kept telling myself not to let her actions take away from all the hard work the hostess put into the shower.

CatherineDC2012 · March 2014

I'm sorry this fight happened, it's so hard fighting with your mom let alone when you're pregnant and you feel like she would/should want to be involved. My mom isn't coming to my shower as she's upset at me not sending her a gift for Christmas or in her words not telling her we weren't doing gifts with anyone this year as we are saving for baby. I sent a nice card, but apparently it got there late so, yeah I'm being punished I guess. She is also dealing with an injury that is consuming her and pulling her deeper into a depression. Makes me hope that I can put my own stuff aside and or get help if I can't for when my little lady arrives so I can be there for her when she needs me. I hope you have a great shower and can focus on the supportive people there to celebrate with you!

buffyjsa · March 2014

I'm sorry to hear this. I fully agree with you not wanting your baby around someone who smokes. After a recent post on this subject, I had to sit back and think if there's anyone in our families who smokes (2 people on my husband's side) and think how to handle them.

I also understand family being a PITA. My grandmother refused to come to my sweet 16 because my grandfather was going to be there (they had been divorced for more than 40 years by that point). She also threatened to make me have a second wedding if I invited him, but he ended up passing before our wedding.

My biggest hugs and best wishes that things resolve themselves for the best.

Mom not coming to shower?

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