November 2013 Moms
Mum2Be28
member
My Parents-- T&Ps, advice, support needed
Mum2Be28
member
I know this isn't related to the board or babies-- but this is weighing heavy on my mind and heart, and was just wondering if anyone could offer some words of wisdom, advice, or maybe someone is in a similar situation. This is going to be long, kinda personal and sad so I apologize in advance.
My Dad had a very successful career in the pro sports world (to say the sport and position may be giving away too much personal info) but it sadly took a huge toll on his body. He has had too many back surgeries to count, a knee replacement and hip replacement. 10 years ago he went downhill very quickly and went into a wheel chair. He became very depressed after having such an active life and going into a wheelchair. He tried to commit suicide, but thank goodness he wasn't successful. And he got on some depression medication.
My mom is a complete saint. They didn't have a great marriage to begin with and I think she only stayed with him for my sake. But once he went into the wheelchair she knew she had to be there for him. He has no other family and I was a teenager and off to college soon. Over the last 10 years he has gotten much worse. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and bladder cancer (which they have treated and it is gone for now). He can't do anything for himself anymore. He is partially paralyzed on his right side so he has a hard time eating, drinking, writing. My mom has to do everything for him-- help him bathe, use the bathroom, shave, get dressed, entertain him, help him eat (some stuff he can eat by himself). He can't use the bathroom on his own so she has to give him something to help him go and then clean him up-- if you catch my drift. It's TMI to really spell it out.
He can move from the wheel chair to his electric lounge chair, or the wheel chair to his bed. But he falls all the time. At least 3 times a week they have to call and firemen come and lift him back up. It's so sad
and I worry if he breaks something he will become bed ridden for good.
If they had a great marriage before I think it would be easier on my mom. But my dad is a jerk and he's getting a little crazy in his old age too. He just bosses her around all day and he's very OCD and if she doesn't do something or puts it off- he won't shut up about it until it is done so she just might as well do it.
Don't hear me wrong-- I feel horrible for my dad and I hate that this has happened to him. But I feel equally bad for my mom as the care giver. She is starting to lose it. She's crying all the time. She is having panic attacks. She has not spent the night away from home in almost 2 years.
Recently she came to my house to visit one evening and when she got back home he had gotten sick (like from the rear end) and tracked his wheelchair all through it on the carpet and was lying on the floor when she got home because he couldn't reach the phone. I cried for him and for her.
Last week I really intervened and said they can't keep living like this. One of them is going to get hurt (either from him falling or her trying to lift him). And both of them are losing it mentally and my mom is only 60 (he is 75). They have great long term care insurance so they are going to bring a nurse in 3 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the evening 5 days a week to help with getting him bathed, dressed, going to the bathroom and putting him to bed at night. They had a hospital bed delivered last Friday too so that my mom and the nurse won't have to lift him and raise him on their own anymore.
Now my dad thinks this is the end. He is telling the dog how much he will miss her. He's calling me all the time telling me he loves me. He's apologized to my mom for everything he's done wrong for the last 29 years. I don't know if he just thinks he's going to die or if he's contemplating suicide. My mom and I have reassured him that we love him and he won't have to go to a nursing home. We are just bringing in some help to make it easier for him and mom. But he won't listen. (There are no pills, knives, guns, etc within reach-- mom moved everything just in case.)
I'm so sorry this is long and I probably lost half of you many paragraphs back and that's ok. But I'm just at a point where I am beyond worried about them. I'm hoping having the nurse will relieve my mom some, but I think it's going to make my dad give up.=(
I have helped out as much as I can over the years. Mom used to be able to go on weekend golf trips and stuff to have a break and I could stay with dad and feed him and stuff. But now with his bathroom issues I can't help with that, and I have my son to take care of. I just hate this for them. I take the baby over there all the time which lifts their spirits, but doesn't solve anything.
Anyone else have parents in a situation at all similar?
My Dad had a very successful career in the pro sports world (to say the sport and position may be giving away too much personal info) but it sadly took a huge toll on his body. He has had too many back surgeries to count, a knee replacement and hip replacement. 10 years ago he went downhill very quickly and went into a wheel chair. He became very depressed after having such an active life and going into a wheelchair. He tried to commit suicide, but thank goodness he wasn't successful. And he got on some depression medication.
My mom is a complete saint. They didn't have a great marriage to begin with and I think she only stayed with him for my sake. But once he went into the wheelchair she knew she had to be there for him. He has no other family and I was a teenager and off to college soon. Over the last 10 years he has gotten much worse. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and bladder cancer (which they have treated and it is gone for now). He can't do anything for himself anymore. He is partially paralyzed on his right side so he has a hard time eating, drinking, writing. My mom has to do everything for him-- help him bathe, use the bathroom, shave, get dressed, entertain him, help him eat (some stuff he can eat by himself). He can't use the bathroom on his own so she has to give him something to help him go and then clean him up-- if you catch my drift. It's TMI to really spell it out.
He can move from the wheel chair to his electric lounge chair, or the wheel chair to his bed. But he falls all the time. At least 3 times a week they have to call and firemen come and lift him back up. It's so sad
and I worry if he breaks something he will become bed ridden for good.
If they had a great marriage before I think it would be easier on my mom. But my dad is a jerk and he's getting a little crazy in his old age too. He just bosses her around all day and he's very OCD and if she doesn't do something or puts it off- he won't shut up about it until it is done so she just might as well do it.
Don't hear me wrong-- I feel horrible for my dad and I hate that this has happened to him. But I feel equally bad for my mom as the care giver. She is starting to lose it. She's crying all the time. She is having panic attacks. She has not spent the night away from home in almost 2 years.
Recently she came to my house to visit one evening and when she got back home he had gotten sick (like from the rear end) and tracked his wheelchair all through it on the carpet and was lying on the floor when she got home because he couldn't reach the phone. I cried for him and for her.
Last week I really intervened and said they can't keep living like this. One of them is going to get hurt (either from him falling or her trying to lift him). And both of them are losing it mentally and my mom is only 60 (he is 75). They have great long term care insurance so they are going to bring a nurse in 3 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the evening 5 days a week to help with getting him bathed, dressed, going to the bathroom and putting him to bed at night. They had a hospital bed delivered last Friday too so that my mom and the nurse won't have to lift him and raise him on their own anymore.
Now my dad thinks this is the end. He is telling the dog how much he will miss her. He's calling me all the time telling me he loves me. He's apologized to my mom for everything he's done wrong for the last 29 years. I don't know if he just thinks he's going to die or if he's contemplating suicide. My mom and I have reassured him that we love him and he won't have to go to a nursing home. We are just bringing in some help to make it easier for him and mom. But he won't listen. (There are no pills, knives, guns, etc within reach-- mom moved everything just in case.)
I'm so sorry this is long and I probably lost half of you many paragraphs back and that's ok. But I'm just at a point where I am beyond worried about them. I'm hoping having the nurse will relieve my mom some, but I think it's going to make my dad give up.=(
I have helped out as much as I can over the years. Mom used to be able to go on weekend golf trips and stuff to have a break and I could stay with dad and feed him and stuff. But now with his bathroom issues I can't help with that, and I have my son to take care of. I just hate this for them. I take the baby over there all the time which lifts their spirits, but doesn't solve anything.
Anyone else have parents in a situation at all similar?
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Re: My Parents-- T&Ps, advice, support needed
For your mom, she sounds overworked and stressed. This can cause a lot of the sleep loss and memory issues. Have you looked into respit care. It is often covered by insurance and would allow your mom a few days away to rest while your dad has professional care. We used to do it alot at my old job
Im sorry you have to go through this
And @katie.725 I'm sorry about your MIL. I can only imagine how hard that is for your dad and your family not to be able to communicate with her like you used to.
My dad's greatest fear in life is a nursing home-- it's not dying, or losing a loved one, or any other fear or bad thing that can happen in life. He's terrified of a nursing home. So my mom has told him that she will do everything In her power to keep him home and there are only 2 scenarios under which he would need to go. 1) If becomes completely bed ridden, bc he weighs around 250/260 pounds and then an in home nurse or my mom would have a really hard time. And 2) If he completely loses it mentally.
Sadly, I think one of those things-- maybe even both --could happen within the next year or two because he's starting to go down hill rapidly. I think we are only a matter of months away from him not being able to stand and move to a chair or bed at all.
Some days I wish for my mom's sake we could put him in a home and just visit him every day. She has so much more life to live and I hate this for her. But then that's just not fair to my dad to do that at this point just for her. Or maybe it is? I just don't know.
Sometimes it's hard for us to differentiate what he says from being Parkinson related, old age related, Etc, because my whole life he has been mean. It's hurtful but we do try to keep in mind his illness and his terrible upbringing that have also shaped who he is. Wish he had gotten therapy years ago.
Thanks Marinowski. Good advice!
@mishkaroni-- I will be thinking of you and your grandparents too. I know that is hard!
I don't wish these situations on anyone-- but it is good to hear we aren't the only ones in the world going through it. It is so hard.
I am so so so sorry! Your mother was an amazing lady to take care of her mom-- especially while she was sick. I'm so sorry for both your losses.
I've already accepted the fact that I will likely lose my dad sooner than later. Maybe not this year, but in a few years-- well who knows really. But my mom is just still so young, active and healthy. And my biggest fear is that this will take her down too. And I just don't know what I would do with out her. She's my rock. She's my dad's rock. She's my sister's rock. My dad worked really hard and he was successful. They should be spending this retired life traveling and relaxing and spending time with their grandchildren. I hate that this is what their life is instead. But I know my dad can't help it and wishes it were different.
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like a very similar situation to ours. I'm sorry for your loss! Thank you for your advice. I will try to tell myself those things, because right now I've been regretting stepping in as much as I did last week. I feel like I've made my dad really depressed again, but I was really just trying to help keep him safe and get my mom some help.