Meltdown

Tess0307 · February 2014

I've never felt so many different emotions at one time... hurt, mad, sad, LIVID, alone.

It's been 2 weeks since my MC. DH was great in the beginning, but at the same time, immediately following my 7 hour ER visit, we were dealing with his grandmother's wake and funeral and then I went right back to work.

Physically, my body is ok, just waiting for AF.

Emotionally, I find it's getting harder and I think it's because DH has gotten over the loss (quickly, in my opinion) and is all excited about when we can TTC again. And I, on the other hand, am not on the same page.

My DH has this ability to forget and get over things very fast and move on like NOTHING HAPPENED. I guess it can be seen as both a flaw and an attribute, but in the case of handling this MC, it's a flaw. I hate to use the work INSENSITIVE, but that is pretty much how he's been the last few days. He seems impatient that I am not over what happened to me, TO US. He tells me I can't let it hold me back (which I know is true, and I not) but come on, IT'S BEEN 2 WEEKS!? Is that too long to get over a MC? I THINK NOT.

We got into a little argument last night because I wasn't having the best of days and my mood wasn't 100%. My birthday is quickly approaching and that was our date to announce our bundle of joy to my whole family. We were going to plan a "surprise party" for me (obviously I would have known about it) and then when my whole family yelled surprise, we were going to, in turn, surprise them with our good news. He keeps asking me what I want to do for my birthday-anything I want, nicest place I can think of, etc. etc. but I can't stop thinking about what we SHOULD have been doing on that day. It's gives me knots in my stomach even thinking about it. Finally, I snapped last night when he wouldn't stop asking me about my birthday and about "what was wrong". I know it was wrong, but come on! Get the hint---- it's obvious what is wrong with me!

Now, today, we got into another argument, via text (SO ANNOYING). Ironically, it started by me apologizing for my bad mood and "taking it out on him". Rather than be supportive and accept my apology or maybe even tell me HE UNDERSTANDS, he jumped down my throat. He said the most horrible things about how I need to get over it and move on. I tried explaining that I wish he would be more supportive and sensitive about what I was going through and he just kept telling me that NOTHING HE DOES OR SAYS IS GOOD ENOUGH TO ME. He got so defensive and kept going on and on with those most horrible things you could say to your wife after she had a MC 2 weeks ago! I don't understand. I was reaching out and trying to explain I was still having a hard time dealing with this all and he continued to act that way. I'm crying even recounting it!

I know he was hurt by what happened. He was in the ER with me all night and saw the most traumatic things. I know it might be TMI, but I was severely bleeding and had to have a few doctors give me internal exams and I was so uncomfortable and in pain and crying just thinking about what they were about to tell me; that I had lost the baby. I will never forget the horror in his eyes. He hated that he couldn't do more for me.

Where is that now? How can it be expected that I just forget and get over it so easily? Is it because it's different for us women... that I had already formed an emotional bond with him/her that DH didn't? I can't figure out how someone can tell me to move on so quickly! I'm not a Debby downer everyday. This past weekend was amazing for us. We spent so much time together (we both work 6-7 days a week but took this past weekend off). Am I not entitled to a bad day here and there?

I think it comes down to him not knowing how to be supportive. Mid-fight, he told me that he hates seeing me like this and had even asked my Mom, sister and his mom to call me. Um, how about you stop asking other people to help me and help me yourself? Is that wrong of me? I feel like he's lost his patience on how to handle this. I almost get the impression that he feels like it's not a big deal. Am I the crazy one? Am I wrong? Am I overreacting (because I know I can from time to time). Am I expecting too much? Should I be making better progress than I am? When is it time to consult professional help?

I'm so lost and confused. Please. Help.

sfazar · February 2014

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I miscarried at 10 weeks, and my husband was similar--ultra-supportive at the time and in the week or so after. Like yours, he is now ready to go forward, while I'm still struggling.

I have been seeing a counselor to talk about my emotions, and she gave me a little advice that might help you. First, you need to recognize--as painful as it is--that we move through the phases of grief at different paces. You can't speed up yours, and he has to just understand that you are processing a traumatic emotional *and physical* experience. You need to respect the speed of each other's healing.

I think my husband's anger stems from the fact that he feels helpless and frustrated, not knowing what he can do to make me better. My counselor said that I must be very specific about what I need: I need for you to hold me now; I need for you to just listen; I need for you to reassure me. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what will make me feel better, but I have to at least try!

The hardest thing for me is that I feel anger, and I want for him to get mad, too, at the whole injustice of it all. I feel like we are a team, and we should both feel mad, but that would be dragging him back into my phase of grieving. That's when I step back and reread the verses of a hymn that I have found comforting (My life flows on in endless song). Maybe you can find a song or poem or passage from a spiritual text that uplifts you too?

I think that my husband also feared that I would never emerge from my dark place. One thing I did was promise him explicitly that I would come out of it.

Tess0307 · February 2014

@SFAZAR Firstly, sorry for your loss as well ((HUGS))

Secondly, WOW. I can't even begin to explain how your words just affected me. So simple and true. I think my problem is that I can't verbalize what I need from him because I haven't figured it out yet myself. That is definitely what's causing this miscommunication. Like you said, he may also fear I may never come out of this. I know I will. I guess I should reassure him of that.

I will definitely work on finding a poem--- great idea and thank you so much for your help!

Maxsmommy123112 · February 2014

First of all I am so sorry for your loss. Secondly you are NOT crazy, there is no such thing as acceptable progress and I don't think you are expecting too much.

That said, this is my 2nd MC and I have an absolutely amazing husband and even he and I have differences in how we are handling all of these emotions. I think it's very different for the mommy than the daddy and we can't expect them to react the same even though it hurts us when they don't. I want so much for my husband to "feel my pain" so he could understand what I'm going through but then I feel like a horrible wife for wishing this pain on someone else. I think more than anything I just want him to stop acting like everything will be okay and we will just move on and forget. But again, I think that's in his nature. He wants to fix things. He wants to make things better, make things go away. There are some things you just can't make better or go away. And I think that is hard for him to comprehend.

I don't think for one minute that my husband or yours are not sad deep down and probably traumatized. I just think their reaction to it is very different. My husband has said to me so many times "I'm just trying to make you happy". His way of doing that is being happy. Not talking about it. Making plans for our future. Being optimistic. So I ask myself, what do I want? Do I want him to be depressed like me? Would that somehow make me feel better? Fact is, nothing would make me feel better.

I don't have answers for you but I will say I understand your struggle. I wouldn't wish my pain on my worst enemy but at the same time I just feel so alone. I am still learning how to cope myself. We will be seeing a therapist in a few weeks. We didn't see one with our 1st MC and we should have.

As far as your birthday in particular, one thing I did on the day we were planning to announce was we sent up a few balloons to our babies in heaven and we said a little prayer. I don't know if your religious but maybe planning something in remembrance of your baby might help you both. Me and my husband planted a tree for our first MC. Both of those moments I really felt connected with my husband more than I have throughout the entire process.

Hope this helped. Im so sorry you are struggling with this.

Tess0307 · February 2014

@maxsmommy123112 Everything you've said is dead on. This is definitely one of those times when men and women need to realize our differences and push forward from it.

My DH and I had a conversation on Friday night even I got home from dinner and I took both what you said, as well as @sfazar and we worked it out. He actually was all ready to apologize when I got home from work, realizing that he said things that were a little harsh. He explained that he isn't the best in handling tough situations and this situation is brand new for him. We've definitely moved forward and it really helped to hear what you both had to say about it as well. Sometimes you really need an outsider's perspective as well (especially when hormones are involved!)

Thanks again and I am also very sorry for both your losses! ((HUGS)) and hope to catch up soon!

T

JCM285 · February 2014

I am so sorry that this is happening but I don't think its unusual. I told DH that I want him to always express his grief to me but that our grieving processes will be different because he will never experience the physical changes that I do. Also keep in mind that when you are not physically feeling great it is nearly impossible to feel emotionally great. I figured that out last year because I experienced a great deal more physical pain than I did during my recent m/c. Once you are feeling a little better physically, your emotions will be less of rollercoaster. As far as professional help is concerned that is up to your discretion. I didn't seek any counseling during my first m/c but with this second m/c I decided enough is enough and I want to get some worries off my chest. My consultation is later this week. However I do not think it can hurt to speak to someone at any point in the process. Good luck to you!

greenbumbletea · February 2014

I am so sorry for your loss and for all that you have been through.

I am with you about announcing on your birthday. I also just miscarried early last week at 7 weeks, and my birthday (March) was going to be the day my DH and I were going to surprise the parents and family members. I know how you feel about thinking about your birthday, because I am having the same thoughts too. I think that the best thing we can do on that day, even though it may be hard, is just remember to take care of ourselves first and foremost (emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually). Whatever we may need to do to make ourselves feel ok and get through it the best we can, it's the best present we can give ourselves.

I too am coping with the various emotions that follow a m/c. Yesterday, I thought that I was going crazy and felt that if anyone at work asked me how I was doing that I would burst into tears. But from what I've been told, it sounds like these emotions are all normal and it too will pass eventually.

In terms of the DH, from what I understand it seems that it is their own way of coping with the situation. My DH has been understanding, but I can see from the type of reactions he has (words and actions) that overall he is just simply trying to make me feel better, even though sometimes it doesn't always come out or seem that way.

@sfazar the Hymn is beautiful and that is a great idea. As part of my emotional healing process, I dedicated a song to the Little Being that I lost (I have a musical background). That helped to get at least some of the emotional sadness out and I was able to express my sadness in that way.

Thinking of you. Take care.

Tess0307 · February 2014

greenbumbletea First off, I am sorry for your loss as well. ((HUGS))

I am also sorry to hear that you are in the same birthday boat... Ugh- It is the first time I am dreading my birthday!

DH has gotten a lot better and even planned a weekend in NYC next weekend for my birthday in hopes it would get my mind off what we "should have been doing" that weekend. I really hope it works.

Hope you have a great weekend!

ASRDH · February 2014

Hope NY helps you. My dr recommended a vacation too. To reconnect with my hubby. To allow myself to have fun. And step away from reminders that I would have in my everyday life. Best wishes on your weekend getaway!

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