Feeling conflicted and confused

lorist202 · February 2014

So, I'm 7 mos pregnant and mom of an amost 3 yr old. I was a SAHM to my son until he was 20 mos, when we both had enough of the SAH gig. The newborn/infant stage is my favorite, and i have literally loked forward to motherhood my whole life as a result. I even went so far as to complete what i can only call an unofficial "bucket list" before starting a family, and had my first at age 35.

In addition, i have always believed in staying home with my baby. My career had suffered immensely for various reasons Over the past 5 years (although being a SAHM was my choice). Also, being a SAHM was a struggle financially, but it was temporary and not impossible.

Now, an amazing job opportunity has fallen into my lap. My career has recovered, as has my income. I'm excited and have waited years for this....but will it be worth any amount of money to give up those few months with my baby? I don't just want 12 weeks, but I can't have them hold my new job for a year. This job offers full time positions only.

How will I spend time with my baby? How will I watch him/her grow and develop? How can I have an adequate work/life/family balance?

jess9802 · February 2014

I am sure you mean well, but these kinds of posts can be frustrating for many of us who feel pretty good about working, spending time with our children, and watching them grow and develop. I returned to work after only eight weeks of maternity leave, and I do not feel that I've missed a thing. I have no doubt that I am one of two VIPs to my son (the other being my husband, who also works full time outside the home).

This isn't to say that there's no balance to be struck. I have sharply curtailed my networking activities and doing things after work, or on weekends, or even going out of town for CLEs. As DS gets older I am starting to add some of those things back. It does help that my firm is pretty family friendly and my partners have always supported me and my focus on my family.

laurakaz13 · February 2014

mal922 said:

This is a very personal decision to make. I personally am not cut out to be a SAHM but was thankful to get 18 weeks with DS. For me, since I've been back at work, it's about the quality of time spent with him, not just the quantity. It also depends on the type of job you have and how demanding it is. I recently left a position that was very high stress because it not only wasn't great on the work/life balance scale, but I found myself spending a load of my "free" time stressed out and in a bad mood over things that were going on at work, which is just not the environment I think my son needs to grow up in. I am still working, just at a less demanding (and lower paying) full-time job. There are lots of moms on this board who seem to have found a way to achieve a workable balance and probably wouldn't agree that they don't get to spend time with their babies or watch them grow and develop while working. However, as I said, it's a deeply personal choice and it sounds like you might already be approaching it from the perspective that choosing to work is a "bad" choice.

I will pretty much ditto all of this. I LOVE my career and do not feel that I've missed a thing in LO's upbringing. It does sound like you have a very negative opinion of working with an infant. That's fine if you want to SAH (and can afford it), but the only ones who can make this decision is you and your DH. Good luck.

lorist202 · February 2014

Allow me to clarify. SAH is not for every mom, and I not only recognize, but respect that. In fact, I found it wasn't for me on a permanent basis, which was why I returned to work. The reason it was all ive ever considered and all I have known to SAH during that tentative time was because I sincerely felt that being a WM with an infant seemed too overwhelming to take on... Like having a goal to be an Olympian when one is just a novice. KWIM? Also, just as some WMs never had a choice to SAH, my career was at a point where it was not cost effective to work, even if I wanted to (and I did want to return sooner). In short, some SAHMs have no choice either.

But you do it all. And I'm sincerely asking... How? If I'm hitting a sore spot by asking the questions above, then maybe my answer is right there. But it seems to me that WMs get just as much satisfaction out of juggling their career, even while their LO is still an infant. I'm asking for advice and thoughts accordingly.

I do not judge any WM or SAHM, and I've been both. However, I have been on this board lonG enough to know that some WMs careers have stayed in tact throughout their child bearing- not true for me (yet). I also know that not everyone considers the short newborn/infant stage as their favorite- which I do.

So if the sincerity of the questions within this post are not obvious, or you're insulted by it, I do apologize. My intention is merely to learn more about what to expect as a working mom of an infant and toddler.

jess9802 · February 2014

Unfortunately, many of us have had to endure comments from others that are often passive aggressive criticisms of being working mothers: "Oh, I love my kids too much to let daycare raise them!" As if those of us who work don't love our kids...or worse, "Well, I guess it's okay to work if you have to, but why would you want to?" Arrrrgh. It gets old. That's the nerve your post hit.

I can say that what makes me as a working mom happy and satisfied are the following: (1) Having child care that I trust beyond all measure; (2) Having a husband who supports my career; (3) Having a job that I enjoy going to each day and that is personally and professionally fulfilling; (4) Having colleagues that believe work-life balance is important; (5) Making time with my family a priority when I'm not at work; and (6) taking two week-long vacations per year and occasional personal days just to recharge.

There are days and weeks that are harder than others. But for the most part, it's not something I think about a lot...it's just my life. I take tremendous pride in bringing home the bacon and frying it up in the pan, so to speak, and also in my marriage and my kids. While my career hasn't necessarily suffered since having kids, I also deliberately looked for a firm that I knew would be conducive for raising children. This means that over the last eight years I've earned far less than I might have somewhere else - but the big picture, most important goal was always having a family and I needed to find a way to make them work together.

laurakaz13 · February 2014

I'm going to go ahead and ditto all these things. This is how I do it. (1) Having child care that I trust beyond all measure; (2) Having a husband who supports my career; (3) Having a job that I enjoy going to each day and that is personally and professionally fulfilling; (4) Having colleagues that believe work-life balance is important; (5) Making time with my family a priority when I'm not at work; and (6) taking two week-long vacations per year and occasional personal days just to recharge.

I also have great sitters and supportive parents who will come down and help. DH is a military pilot and deploys/travels often. For fitness, I have a treadmill, running stroller and gym at my hospital so I get it done each day and it keeps me sane and healthy. We also have a cleaning service so neither of us ever have to clean the house.

I don't like infants much, so it was easy for me to got back to work and put LO in daycare (located in my hospital) at 16 weeks old. I do miss her now at almost 3 yrs old during the day, but I truly believe in quality time.

djm31012 · February 2014

I think the easiest way to make it work is with a ton of support and a ton of help. We have a cleaning lady, delivery dry cleaning...i dont always, but have used delivery grocery services like fresh direct. My family does a ton of day care pick ups for me, to save me time in the evening so when I get home I have a full 1.5 hrs dedicated solely to my son. Which is quality fun time...and it counts and its fulfilling. I would love more time...but right now I take what I can get. You cant take a year...but maybe you can take your 12 weeks and a few additional weeks unpaid?

I have to agree with PPs....my DS knows who mama is and loves me more than anyone (with my husband being a very close second). I know every inch of him...I know his moods, his needs, he signs...and I dont feel like I am "missing" out on watching him grow...I see him growing every day and I am right there alongside him to encourage and support and love and nurture him. Working doesnt change that, because I dont allow it to change that. I wish I were a SAHM so im different than some other ladies on this board and I may be at some point....but I dont feel like I am less of a mom because I work. I am proud that I have done this for the last year and its something I will always talk to my son about.

ss265 · February 2014

PP have made valid points. I think you need to sit down and make a list of the tasks you think will "suffer" if you choose to continue working and then come up with a plan to address each task. Think that keeping the house clean will suffer? Then hire a cleaning service. Think that you won't have time to cook dinner every night? Cook the night before or plan meals that can cook in the slow cooker.

If your main concern is time with your children then you need to shift to thinking about quality of time rather than quantity of time. In my personal opinion, I also feel that I tend to get less frustrated with my kid because I work and am not around him 24/7. I cherish the time I have with him more and spend more of that time interacting with him that I might if I was around him all the time.

It sounds like you are conflicted because in your mind, you have always had this vision of staying at home with your children and now you are torn because of this opportunity. You need to look deep within yourself and ask yourself what you are comfortable doing. If you give up this opportunity, will you regret it a few years down the line? Or if you choose to work, will you regret it later? You can also try working for now and if you decide that it is not for you, you can always quit and stay home.

Good luck with your decision!

skibunny59 · February 2014

lorist202 said:

Allow me to clarify. SAH is not for every mom, and I not only recognize, but respect that. In fact, I found it wasn't for me on a permanent basis, which was why I returned to work. The reason it was all ive ever considered and all I have known to SAH during that tentative time was because I sincerely felt that being a WM with an infant seemed too overwhelming to take on... Like having a goal to be an Olympian when one is just a novice. KWIM? Also, just as some WMs never had a choice to SAH, my career was at a point where it was not cost effective to work, even if I wanted to (and I did want to return sooner). In short, some SAHMs have no choice either.

But you do it all. And I'm sincerely asking... How? If I'm hitting a sore spot by asking the questions above, then maybe my answer is right there. But it seems to me that WMs get just as much satisfaction out of juggling their career, even while their LO is still an infant. I'm asking for advice and thoughts accordingly.

I do not judge any WM or SAHM, and I've been both. However, I have been on this board lonG enough to know that some WMs careers have stayed in tact throughout their child bearing- not true for me (yet). I also know that not everyone considers the short newborn/infant stage as their favorite- which I do.

So if the sincerity of the questions within this post are not obvious, or you're insulted by it, I do apologize. My intention is merely to learn more about what to expect as a working mom of an infant and toddler.

I'm not offended at all by your comment. I have an almost 2 year old DD and I went back to work when she was 6 months old. It is a juggling act but I make it work and although I would love to be a SAHM, it's just not possible right now. Honestly, I have come to accept my life as a working mom and although it's hard, I do get satisfaction and pride by the fact that I have a great job and am able to support my family financially.

For me it comes down to priorities. I can't do it all so I don't. Family time comes first, then good, healthy food that comes from my kitchen (we don't do take out, frozen meals, anything that comes out of a box, etc.) The cleanliness and tidiness of my house suffers but like I said, I can't do everything so I let that go.

I am fortunate enough to get more time than most working moms. I am a teacher so I get home by 3. I get 5 hours with my daughter until bedtime. And I get summers off and various breaks throughout the year. I thank god for my amazing job everyday. I don't mean to offend other working moms but honestly I don't know how YOU do it. You ladies are truly amazing. I know the comments get old and I know many of you have people ask you how you do it. I always have people say to me how do I work fulltime with a toddler. To be honest with you, what I do is easy compared to most moms who have to work all year round, don't get home until 5, etc. I'm also not trying to belittle the work that teachers do by saying that.

mexicolombiana · February 2014

I think I get what you're asking. It really comes down to whether you are willing to take this awesome job now and live with the fact that you will only have a 12 week ML and will be a working mom while your baby is small, like under a year old.

I have conflicting thoughts about this too. With my first DD, I only had 6 weeks ML but I was not at all considering staying home, I knew I had to go back to work. I made peace with that and my aunt actually came from Colombia to live with us and watch DD- which was absolutely amazing. I had phenomenal child care and peace of mind. This allowed me to go back to work calmly. I also was able to pump at work easily and was able to BF successfully (which was a HUGE priority for me).

So, I didn't really struggle with not staying home with my 1st.

With my 2nd DD, I had (have) a great nanny I love and trust. Having more experience, I knew I wanted more time w/the baby and took 12 weeks off. It was much better to have that longer time off (though ideally having months off would be better of course). I didn't struggle too much with going back to work and again it worked fine. But now with 2 kids I do have conflicting thoughts about my quality of life as an attorney.

My main problem is the cost of the nanny. I saved a ton of $ having my aunt live with us (then ANOTHER aunt came after her). We paid her very little compared to our nanny now. Now, I pay my nanny exactly 1/2 my net salary, so I have struggled with justifying being a WM full time.

All that said, I made the decision to go PT starting Monday. I hope it will be a good balance and allow me to be home more w/kids.

I have absolutely no problem having a nanny watch my kids all day and I'm actually not one of those moms who thinks I'm "missing out" on their lives. My decision is more financial, though the perks of being home are great- being able to take the pre-schooler to school and pick her up, being able to enroll the 2 yr old in gym classes during the week, etc.

It sounds to me that you really love the newborn/baby stage and would prefer to be home during that time but your job won't stay open that long. In your situation I would probably take the job and reassure myself that I was not "missing out" on my child's life but instead you're choosing a career that will lead to good things for your family in the future.

jlaOK · February 2014

I can say that what makes me as a working mom happy and satisfied are the following: (1) Having child care that I trust beyond all measure; (2) Having a husband who supports my career; (3) Having a job that I enjoy going to each day and that is personally and professionally fulfilling; (4) Having colleagues that believe work-life balance is important; (5) Making time with my family a priority when I'm not at work; and (6) taking two week-long vacations per year and occasional personal days just to recharge.

I agree with all of the above. I also had to decide what "having it all" meant to me. Since there is virtually no way to work and to stay at home with your kids, you have to make a decision. Although finances played a big roll for me, having a job that I love, flexibility, and knowing that my kids are thriving and happy make it all worth it.

Being a working mom with 2 isn't very much harder than being a working mom with 1, so you already know how to do it. I think you are struggling with the timing of it all not being what you had planned. Ask yourself if this new job is worth passing up. Would you regret not taking it? Also, you might be able to compromise. Maybe new job would be willing to give you 4-6 months off.

Finally, I emotionally had a lot easier time with number 2. I only took 8 weeks off and work 4 days a week instead of the 3 I worked when DS was born. Going back to work was so much easier because I already had my "routine" down and already know how to be a good working mom.

NicoleWI · February 2014

It sounds like you should take the job, and know you will be okay and you can always quit later if you just hate it. But, know that it will probably be hard for you in many ways at first, but that it truly does get easier. It was not easy for me any time, going back to work. I had a really hard time with it but after the first child, I knew it WOULD get better and that it was do-able. I wouldn't pass up what sounds like a great opportunity now. It is a tough decision, though.

Everything PP said about help is very true, too. Let the house get messy, have a cleaning service, do easy dinners, etc.

mittensonkittens · February 2014

The first year is hard. The baby has different needs than the older kids, so DH and I split duties. Since I BF, it's always me with the baby and DH with the older kids. I feel like I hardly see the older kids, and I still feel like I don't get enough time with the baby. They are all in bed by 8, and DH and I have no free time because it takes the rest of the evening to clean up from dinner, make bottles, wash pump parts, get everything ready for the next day, and must-do tasks like paying bills. We have a cleaning service and a lawn service, but it still gets hard to keep up with the other stuff like laundry and household maintenance. And if baby isn't sleeping through the night, it sucks. It gets easier when the baby starts sleeping well at night and having a somewhat predictable schedule. Then it gets easier when baby can feed themselves, and when they eat what everyone else is eating, and when they can play with siblings while you do stuff. Time is the biggest problem. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

I love the baby stage too. I got to choose between working and staying at home, and I chose work. If I walked away from my job it would be really difficult to get something like it again. There are a lot of things I like about being a working mom, and 90% of the time I'm happy with my decision. One thing I did that helped me with baby #3 was taking an unpaid maternity leave instead of using sick time and vacation time to get paid. Now I have a stash to use when I need to run errands, sleep late after a rough night, or time to myself.

Good luck with your decision.

TashnBabii · February 2014

I'm a working FTM who went back when my son turned 8 weeks. I love working bc it gives me a break from baby. What I learned over the past 4 months is that although being with my baby is important, it's not like he will forget me. He always smiles when I walk into the house (a pretty cool feeling, might I add). It really depends on how you are financially. Even if I wanted to be a SAHM, i couldn't, nor would I want to. It's your decision. GL!

MommaP12 · February 2014

I'm going to put aside all the SAHM v. WM type stuff because I don't think that's the root of the issue here.

To me, the root of the issue is that you need to decide if you take this job right now knowing your time with LOs will be significantly reduced or pass on it knowing the opportunity will not be there in a few months when you may be ready.

I'd ask yourself some key questions: Do you really WANT to work? Do you NEED to work? What makes YOU feel fulfilled and happiest? Where do you want to be in 3 years, 5 years, etc.?

I'm really struggling with working right now and feeling ridiculous about it. I'm the breadwinner and insurance provider (DH owns a small business) so I'm feeling more "trapped." I do not LOVE my job/career, though I realize I have it pretty good overall. Though I know deep down I'm not "missing out" on things, I'd still truly prefer to be with the kids more but it's just not possible for me right now and I'm trying hard to come to terms with it. I used to love going to work and felt great about working FT and thought I'd never be good at SAH life, but something just changed after I had #2 and I don't know what it was. I'm really hoping a year from now I'm either in a different career that I'm more passionate about OR am able to strike a part time deal like Mexicolombiana has done. Take a long hard look at what you , need, want, and are striving for. Good luck making your decision.

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