August 2013 Moms
Crcalhoun8110
member
I need advice, please. *long*
Crcalhoun8110
member
So, a little back ground.
When I was born, my father said there was no way I could be his daughter. I was top dark. I have Cherokee indian in me, so I was a little dark. When I was 9 months old, he got a DNA test done on me. it came out 99.999% that I was his daughter. He had the courts order a name change, but then told my mom that I still couldn't possibly be his daughter, there was still that 0.001% chance that I wasn't his daughter. He walked out and never looked back. When I was 13, my mom found a phone number for him. we were driving down the road one day and she asked me if I wanted to talk to him. I of course, said yes. She gave me the number and her phone. My heart raced something feirce as it rang. A man answered. I said "Hello. Is this James?" he said, "Yes, may I ask who is calling?" When I told him, he hung up. Three days later, the number was disconnected. I spent the next 10 years looking for him. Tonight II found him. This is where I'm having my problem. Some say to write him and tell him how well I've done without him. How well I'm doing and how great my life is. Some have told me to write him and tell him how it felt to go 23 years without ever meeting my dad. To never call anyone "daddy". I've never been given the chance to be a daddy's girl. When I get married this August, I will have to have an awkward walk down the aisle with my mom's long time boyfriend. He's no dad to me. He hates me, my sister and my brothers. but I have no choice. I don't know what to do here. I don't want him to be a part of my life. I don't want anything from him but answers. Since I have found his address and phone number, I have written twelve letters to him. I don't know what to say or where to begin. I don't know what to add to the letter or what to not put in it. I don't know how to tell him who I am and what I want. I just don't know, you know?> What would you do in my situation? Would you take the knowledge you have and leave it at that, or would you write a letter to him/? There is no way in hell I'm calling him though. THat isn't even an option in my book. I don't think I have the strength for that... I need help please. Advice, anything. All kinds of advice are welcome. I have never been so lost about something in my whole life. No one has ever had such a strong hold on my emotional state as he does, and I've never even met the dude...
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Re: I need advice, please. *long*
Ignore bio dad. He made his decision. Live your life, love yourself and your family.
Now,
what would you gain from contacting him? I'm not at all trying to be snarky or insensitive, but he's made it clear with his silence that he does not want to be a father. Are you seeking closure? An explanation? If you think you can get closure from writing, even if you don't get a response, then do it. But if you're going to write and then let the thoughts of if he will or won't respond consume you like it has been, then leave it and seek that closure and validation elsewhere, like perhaps a therapist. As for your wedding; either have your mother or siblings walk you, or walk yourself.
Nora Grace Due 12/26/2016
Two Angel Babies
07/03/2012
08/08/2015
"If you're still my small babe
or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you're never alone.
You are my angel, my darling,
my star...and my love will find you,
wherever you are."
As far as walking down the aisle, why should someone you don't love give you away? Do you know what kind of honour that is? Don't give it to someone who doesn't deserve it. You belong to no one but yourself, give yourself away, or ask your mom if you'd like.
As for your biological father... I get that you feel the need for closure and answers, but I don't think you're going to get them. If you do chose to contact him expect letters to go without replies and the door to be slammed in your face. I just want you to be prepared for that if you try. Personally - I don't think I would go ahead with it. You've done an amazing job without him, you don't need more negativity and heart ache in your life. He doesn't deserve your time.
Whatever you chose, good luck.
Second, you posted pretty late so you may not get many replies until tomorrow.
Only write to him if it is for you, for closure. Say any and everything you want or feel the need to...get it all off your chest. I would only write as long as you have zero expectation of him in return...this is for you, not how it will or won't make him feel.
As for your wedding, have anyone who you feel deserves it walk you down the aisle. It doesn't need to be a man...your mom maybe? Carry your lo? Or walk yourself....you're a strong woman. IMO tradition in a wedding is just a guideline, you do what feels right to you on your day.
As far as contacting him, I would. Only because it sounds like you need the closure. I don't think you will get out of it what you want, but sometimes just writing it down is therapeutic. Nothing says you have to mail it!
Keep your chin up, lady. You're awesome and you know it. And don't let anyone keep ahold of your heart but you (and LO
DS born 9/3/13; DD born 7/22/15; LO due 5/28/18
FS (age 5) and FD (age 2) to become AS/AD very soon!
I personally would not write a letter. He deserves to know nothing going on in your life. You will always have a strong connection no matter what. If you think writing that letter will make you feel any better, then by all means do it.
On the wedding, well I've had no bio dad for the past 30 years, and for me picking my mom to walk down the isle was the best choice for me. Good luck OP! And hugs!!
We have our "Irish Twins"
DD born 8/7/2013
DS born 7/28/14
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I agree with the pps don't have moms bf walk you, it's an honor and it should be someone that cares, or no one at all.. My BFF walked herself bc her dad is a douche, she invited him to the wedding but only as a guest
As for the wedding, is there a cousin or an uncle or grandparent youd want to walk you down the aisle? And im curious why would it be bad for your mom to do it?
If it was me I'd have my mother walk me down.
So sorry about your father. I hope you get the closure you are looking for.
BFP 3/29/2014 2u2 Let's do this!
Like others have said, if you just need the closure, write a letter but don't expect anything in return. And just have your mom walk you down the aisle! I had both parents because that's what I wanted.. It's your day, and you make the rules.
Anyone who abandons thier kid is scum. I wouldn't want to talk to them.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Expecting Baby Bean February 2017
My biological Dad left when I was 10 months old. However, my Mother remarried a wonderful man who adopted me legally when I was 10 (that's where our stories are different). It's hard when he has rejected you by phone before, so like the other ladies said, I wouldn't expect much from him. There's no shame in writing a letter to him to let him know how you feel. Maybe it would help give you the closure you need? Also, as far as your Mom's boyfriend walking you down the aisle, have you ever considered having one of your brothers do it? I just ask because you said he hates you and your brothers?
edit- just saw your comment about your Uncle. If you're closer to him I think that would be a great idea.
My grandfather walked me down the aisle and would have even if my father had been alive. He made a mess of our family and I have no place in my life for that.
I am the product of an extra marital affair. A 6 year long affair. My mother actually believed my dad would leave his wife for her. She's still delusional. Anywho, after about 3 years she had me. The affair continued until his wife found out about me and literally tried to kill me, twice. I was 2 years old. So, my dad packed up his family and moved 200 miles away. I didn't hear from him again. At the age of 27, on Father's day, I sent him a card. I had found him about a year before and had been trying to decide what, if anything, to do. It was a simple card. I wrote my phone number inside and said I think it's time we talk. It took him 3 weeks to call. That was almost 9 years ago.
It wasn't easy for us to build to a relationship, but we have. There have certainly been ups and downs. It's a lot simpler now that his wife has passed (may she burn in hell for eternity). She still tried to keep us apart after I contacted him. My point I guess is that I completely understand where you are coming from. It's very easy for people who haven't been through this to say "f him, he doesn't deserve you" and in reality he doesn't. But you deserve whatever you need to feel good about this situation. Having an absent parent scars you emotionally for life, like nothing else. I struggled for years with abandonment and self worth issues. I was in a cycle of abusive and unhealthy relationships. I'm ok now, but it took me probably 20 years to get here.
My dad and I have a relationship now. It's not great. I'll never be a daddy's girl, but at least I have gotten to know who he is. I also have relationships with my siblings and cousins that I never met before. It truly opened a door to a whole new family. Most of them have been awesome too.
If you decide to contact him, I would keep it light, and set your expectations extremely low. Put the ball in his court. Give him your contact information and tell him you would like to speak to him. If he does nothing with it, then at least you have tried. There's not much else you can do. You can't force someone to love you, or even acknowledge you, unfortunately. I will tell you though, if he does call you, it will not be easy. There will still be anger on your part, and probably a lot of guilt on his, if he is half a man.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. You can always pm me if you need to.
Like most posters have said, I would let it go. If he hears how "great you did with out him" in his sick mind he may justify his walking out. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
I might send 7 consecutive postcards each with one letter on them... the first would have and "F" the second a "U" and the third a "C" - I think you get where I'm going with this.
Sorry you dad is a douche. Ask another important person in your life to walk you down the aisle if you feel it is important. I have a girlfriend who had her mom walk her down the aisle - it was incredibly sweet.