Anxious thoughts about losses (heavy stuff)

bluek210 · February 2014

I haven't posted much on the bump since my little guy arrived 11/3, although I was quite active during my infertility struggles and during pregnancy. I guess things just got busy, and I didn't feel like I needed the support as much as before.

I definitely struggled with some postpartum anxiety and depression for the first month after Levi was born, although I was so so so thrilled to finally have my precious boy. I started taking an antidepressant, although I blame most of my stress on my huge struggles with breastfeeding and subsequent major sleep deprivation - I had breast reduction 10 years ago, but was desperate to make bf-ing work. It didn't. Once I quit, life changed completely. I have loved literally every second since. The amount that I love this baby is so intense, so huge, it sometimes scares me. He is everything.

So, here's the weird part, the part that makes me feel crazy and isolated and sad.

I have a strange habit/need to read sad, awful stories, usually while my baby is asleep, or while I'm at work, away from him. If someone posts about a loss on a blog I read, or on the bump, or on Facebook, I have to read it. I have to know what happened, why it happened. I have to get the details. I've read really awful stuff - the 3 yr old who died when the dresser fell on her, a 2 month old who died of whooping cough, a full term baby born sleeping whose heart was beating beautifully just hours before birth. It makes me feel ill, sad, angry, helpless. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I'm a psychologist, and I feel like I should understand, but I don't, and I feel really alone in this. I visited with a therapist and discussed this, but didn't really come to any satisfying conclusion. I don't know if I do it to make me appreciate my own beautiful, healthy boy, or to make me cautious about how much I love him, or to prepare myself for something in the future, or for some unknown, random reason.

Just wondering if anyone else does this or feels this way. Usually I read a story, feel sick to my stomach and obsess about it for a day or two, and then move on, until the next story pops up. I generally feel happy, blessed, thankful, and thrilled to have the world's cutest baby (no offense to you guys - haha), but these blips are a painful reminder of my own infertility history, and the fragility of life in general. I guess I want to know I'm not alone. And any advice would certainly be great - I would love to just ignore and avoid these stories, but it seems impossible.

A picture for your troubles

mcgeeva · February 2014

Hm I don't exactly have good advice. I definitely read sad stories now and then because I want to have a better understanding of how and why something happened and how it could of been prevented. But I don't read them often because some truely shake me to the cord. I dont' want to imagine the what if's with DS. It would put me into panic mode big time. I think maybe you just haven't found a good therapist. I would definitely look until you find one that you really connect with that you feel like your getting something out of going. I have gone through two and the third I found I finally mesh with. I have a friend that is also a semester from graduating with her masters in pshycology and she has been to a ton of therapist and finally found a good one. Takes time. I don't think it's normal to feed on these stories daily or try to cope thinking these things could happen to you. We should want to believe that we will protect our children and these things will never happen instead of always feeling grim that it could happen at any moment. Maybe you are still going through some post partum which is completly normal. I say all the time it's hard to fathom how much I love DS after struggles and all. They are our worlds. I hope you can find some peace soon. Sorry if I wasn't much help..

pb_bride · February 2014

I do read stories when I see them in headlines (eg, an infant found dead in Chicago; or the 2 kids suffocated in a hope chest here in MA). I get very sad when I read these stories, but like @mcgeeva said, it is more to understand how it happened. I used to check the Loss board when I was pg with M, and I literally freaked myself out for the entire 40 wks I was pg with him. I was trained as an MD so I know all the facts and numbers. After M was born, I just stopped going to the Loss board. I don't actively search out for sad stories to read, and I try not to click on links that others post. I do think you may have a problem if you are actively searching for these stories, to me it sounds like you have a bit of OCD with regards to them. I don't know if you can stop yourself from clicking on links to these stories? Or as mcgeeva said, perhaps another therapist?

Hugs.

Ruthie04 · February 2014

I'm really sorry you are struggling. I can definitely relate, as I struggled with PPA while nursing and am a LCSW. Just before my pregnancy, I worked on L&D and was responsible for the crisis intervention and funeral arrangements for fetal demise cases. I "saw" those babies when I would close my eyes at night and after my miscarriage, I had to leave. Those babies and their mothers' stories haunted me through pregnancy. It was awful and I have so many regrets about being so preoccupied with grief during what should have been a happy pregnancy.

I second visiting another therapist.
Perhaps one with a specialty in loss and anxiety? I'd think someone with a clinical interest in those topics would be exceptionally skilled at helping women work through similar issues. You might try looking on the postpartum support international website for a list of providers with an interest in women's health.

I hope things improve soon. Thinking of you!

CarrieB. · February 2014

Sounds like PPOCD. Talk to your therapist. I highly reccommend trying to excercise more and do meditation. It really helps a lot with obsessive thoughts. A book I like for meditation is 8 minute meditation. Good luck and feel better.

itsmevkb · February 2014

I don't think that I seek those stories out, however, I definitely am more sensitive to them since the birth of my first child. As I didn't experience infertility prior to having him, I don't link my feeling back to that, more just to the enormous change in becoming a mother and having a child whom I love with all my heart and soul and who I can't imagine losing. I remember soon after having him I watched a show on televsion in which a young boy was kidnapped and later killed and I never watched that show again and really actively avoid show/movies/books that deal with young children being hurt or killed. I never had anxiety prior to motherhood but I do now with regards to thoughts creeping into my head about what if they go with their grandparents, get in an accident and something horrible happens and things like that.

I think if you feel it's overwhelming I'd talk to your ob/gyn about it and also a therapist. I think it's a definite sign of post partum issues outside the norm.

Anxious thoughts about losses (heavy stuff)

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