What is your deal breaker?

BillyMollyEmmy · February 2014

In a friendship, what is your deal breaker or something that would cause you to end the friendship?

Do you believe that friendships - at our age - can be resurrected after they dissolve?

Kissty · February 2014

I don't know what my deal breaker is. But I do believe friends just grow apart. The older I get my viewpoints change, and I believe that's true of many if not most people. I think a friendship can be resurrected if both parties want it to work. A friendship is supposed to be easy though. If there is too much work it probally isn't worth it.

MRoxy0628 · February 2014

I think my deal breaker is when the other person isn't putting in any effort. And I don't mean that you have to talk everyday or even see each other that often, but if I'm the only one putting in effort, I just let the friendship fall off. I can think of one friend in particular where this happened. I felt I was consistently the one reaching out and not getting much of a response. In this situation, I think it's probably mutual that she doesn't prioritize our friendship high enough, which is totally fine. I think I'm more comfortable letting friendships go since having my LO. My free time is more valuable to me and I'm not going to work too hard at things.

Yes, I think you can resurrect the friendship if there wasn't something terrible that happened (e.g. them cheating with your spouse, stealing, etc.). I've become more comfortable with the idea that friendships ebb and flow.

BeebopandBuddy · February 2014

Lack of effort. I put time and effort into my friendships. If the other person is constantly making me call them repeatedly to get a return call or being flaky, I can't deal with it. I feel like I shouldn't have to beg someone to be a friend.

Unem · February 2014

Definitely if it was one sided and I was the only one making effort. I also couldn't handle someone who would say one thing to me and something else to another just to make everyone happy. I never expect my friends to always agree with me, but if they don't I expect them to disagree to my face.

BillyMollyEmmy · February 2014

@loislayn23 I mean IRL friendships.

I just ended a friendship in November.

This person was sucking the life out of me. She would talk down to me. I walked on eggshells around her (ie, couldn't talk about certain topics, always questioned if she would get mad if I made a certain joke). I never knew what kind of mood she would be in. She called all the shots. She gave me ultimatums about being friends with people she didn't like.

It was time for her to go. I don't regret it.

redneckmomma25 · February 2014

I'm not sure. I've never been in this situation.

MarisaKathleen · February 2014

For me it's not usually one defining moment. The last friendship I ended was almost 2 years ago while I was pregnant with Nancy. We'd been friends for 25 years. There was always stuff about her that was stupid..she just LOVED the drama. But I did too. When I was 21. At 29, being pregnant and married, I just couldn't get it up anymore.

Then my Dad died. My Dad who she called Dad because of how close we were and how close our families were. And she didn't come home for the funeral. Instead she came home 3 weeks later and sat in a bar every night that she was home for almost a week and then had the nerve to get mad at me because pregnant, grieving me didn't want to go sit in a bar with a bunch of people I hadn't seen in 5 years. So that was that.

She found some loser who's 31 and still lived with his parents, moved him back to Wisconsin with her, now they live upstairs from her Mom and they're having a baby in May.

Sometimes you just have to get off the crazy train when you feel it's getting out of control.

BillyMollyEmmy · February 2014

MarisaKathleen said:

For me it's not usually one defining moment. The last friendship I ended was almost 2 years ago while I was pregnant with Nancy. We'd been friends for 25 years. There was always stuff about her that was stupid..she just LOVED the drama. But I did too. When I was 21. At 29, being pregnant and married, I just couldn't get it up anymore.

Then my Dad died. My Dad who she called Dad because of how close we were and how close our families were. And she didn't come home for the funeral. Instead she came home 3 weeks later and sat in a bar every night that she was home for almost a week and then had the nerve to get mad at me because pregnant, grieving me didn't want to go sit in a bar with a bunch of people I hadn't seen in 5 years. So that was that.

She found some loser who's 31 and still lived with his parents, moved him back to Wisconsin with her, now they live upstairs from her Mom and they're having a baby in May.

Sometimes you just have to get off the crazy train when you feel it's getting out of control.

This is what it was like for me. It was one defining moment where I said "you know what? Fuck this." And I just ended it. Good riddance.

And now she goes around calling me names and posting vague statuses about me on Facebook. She's glamorous.

MarisaKathleen · February 2014

BillyMollyEmmy said:

MarisaKathleen said:

For me it's not usually one defining moment. The last friendship I ended was almost 2 years ago while I was pregnant with Nancy. We'd been friends for 25 years. There was always stuff about her that was stupid..she just LOVED the drama. But I did too. When I was 21. At 29, being pregnant and married, I just couldn't get it up anymore.

Then my Dad died. My Dad who she called Dad because of how close we were and how close our families were. And she didn't come home for the funeral. Instead she came home 3 weeks later and sat in a bar every night that she was home for almost a week and then had the nerve to get mad at me because pregnant, grieving me didn't want to go sit in a bar with a bunch of people I hadn't seen in 5 years. So that was that.

She found some loser who's 31 and still lived with his parents, moved him back to Wisconsin with her, now they live upstairs from her Mom and they're having a baby in May.

Sometimes you just have to get off the crazy train when you feel it's getting out of control.

This is what it was like for me. It was one defining moment where I said "you know what? Fuck this." And I just ended it. Good riddance.

And now she goes around calling me names and posting vague statuses about me on Facebook. She's glamorous.

Haven't you unfriended her yet?! I unfriended mine back in maybe November 2012-ish on FB. She got all into some church out in Cali where she was living that had her "saved" yet didn't stop her from sleeping with everyone in Orange County, but that's an entirely different conversation.

BPer · February 2014

I would say for me, one-sidedness is a dealbreaker.

My closest friend started flaking on the regular once H and I got engaged, which really sucked because she was one of my bridesmaids. She was terrible about responding to texts/phone calls, was the last person to get fitted for her dress, was the last person to pick up her dress, and basically left everything until the last minute, putting a lot of additional stress on me.

Before this point, we would talk on a daily basis. Now, we send each other a text once a year wishing the other a happy birthday (and probably only because they're a day apart).

I haven't seen her since the wedding, and she's never seen Hannah. It kind of sucks.

LyndseylovesHugh · February 2014

I've only ended a friendship purposefully once, with my best friend growing up. Our senior year of hs she started doing some pretty heavy drugs and was constantly lying and being very self centered. It was the hardest thing I've probably ever done, but I needed to not be around that. I saw her at our 10 year reunion and we were cordial, we are also friends on Facebook, but I wouldn't consider her my friend. I think in our situation we could be friends again because she is a totally different person now, but we live in different states so I don't see that happening.

I have other friends that I have just grown apart from, I think that is normal as you get older and priorities change. I would have no problem seeing these people or starting the friendship up again if the situation was right.

tinyhumantoe · February 2014

What are you struggling with? To me this is a tiny bit like asking what a deal breaker is with a guy. It's a lot different for my husband versus the guy I dated before him. It really depends on the friendship, yes? The best thing is to do the right thing for yourself and your family.

I don't have any 'deal breakers' really - I'm sure there are some things that would put a fork in it for me, but the friendships I've had to reduce or end have been more, er, holistic problems.

I ended a friendship a year ago, and the friend didn't do anything 'wrong' like lie or gossip. We didn't fight, and I don't have anything negative to say about her - she's a great person. Our lives changed, and the friendship didn't, so it was pretty strained at the roots. I think there's a possibility that we can be good friends in the future again. I don't think the friendship was going great for either of us, but I do miss her.

It's been interesting over the past 5 years. Life is changing in 100 ways and if a friendship isn't changing alongside, then it might not be a good fit anymore. For someone who is not experiencing much change, it can leave them angry - at marriage, kids, careers, me in general.

My rock solid friendships have a lot of flex in them. That seems like an oxymoron, but I have no doubt that friends A B and C will be part of a silver fox coffee club in 30 years. By then we'll all have our time back to hang out like we used to 10 years ago. I can't wait.

tinyhumantoe · February 2014

BillyMollyEmmy said:

@loislayn23 I mean IRL friendships.

I just ended a friendship in November.

This person was sucking the life out of me. She would talk down to me. I walked on eggshells around her (ie, couldn't talk about certain topics, always questioned if she would get mad if I made a certain joke). I never knew what kind of mood she would be in. She called all the shots. She gave me ultimatums about being friends with people she didn't like.

It was time for her to go. I don't regret it.

To me this sounds unhealthy, and it is a friendship I would let go.

kdsmith43 · February 2014

MRoxy0628 said:

I think my deal breaker is when the other person isn't putting in any effort. And I don't mean that you have to talk everyday or even see each other that often, but if I'm the only one putting in effort, I just let the friendship fall off. I can think of one friend in particular where this happened. I felt I was consistently the one reaching out and not getting much of a response. In this situation, I think it's probably mutual that she doesn't prioritize our friendship high enough, which is totally fine. I think I'm more comfortable letting friendships go since having my LO. My free time is more valuable to me and I'm not going to work too hard at things.
...stuck...

I'm going through this exact thing right now. I honestly feel like I don't really have any IRL friends anymore. Sad, but true.

Flamingemu · February 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

How did you end it? Did you have the break up chat?

I have ended a few friendships. If it was ending because it was one-sided, I just stopped putting in the effort. Since she wasn't trying either, it just died peacefully. One of my bridesmaids is now just a Christmas card/birthday FB message friend. Her BF lives 30 mins away from me and we haven't seen each other on purpose in too many years.

When discussions are necessary is if the lack of effort doesn't work then I will just be frank and say I think we are growing apart, or something similar. If there was a wrong done to you or they are a terrible influence a la BME's 'friend' then it is much easier. I have a hard time being friends with you because it is too much work - then again, I am a confrontationl person so my approach won't work for everyone.

watercolor5 · February 2014

I end a friendship if it feels like continuing it is unhealthy for me. When the friend always brings me down or doesn't respect me (esp around others,) or has less faith in me than I have in myself. I think a friendship can be resurrected at any age, but I find myself less likely to regret ending it as I get older.

I've only purposefully distanced myself or ended friendships twice in my life, though. Most friendships weaken more out of physical distance and busy lives.

BillyMollyEmmy · February 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

How did you end it? Did you have the break up chat?

Long story short:

She was always quitting Facebook. Like I mean she'd write some kind of dramatic status and then peace out for a few weeks or months. She did this a few times and then finally said she was leaving FB for good.

A few days later, I was deleting a ton of people I never communicate with. I deleted her inactive profile assuming - like she said - she was done. Well, she returned to FB shortly thereafter.

I added her back but she wouldn't accept me. About a week later, I sent her an e-mail asking if everything was okay.

She sent me back the rudest e-mail ever. Like basically saying something along the lines of, "in case you haven't noticed, I have been too busy to accept your friend request because this, and this, and this and this and this, also this and this are going on in my LYFE right now!"
She'd been on FB all week posting photos. She made a total mountain out of a mole hill about it.

I just felt like it was getting stupid, to be honest. We're fighting over Facebook? This has gone back to the fifth grade. I'm out.

BillyMollyEmmy · February 2014

Also, just to add ... the last few months with her were effing weird.

She was pregnant but refused to tell me anything - not the name, the sex, or even her DUE DATE. Yes, that's correct, she told me that she didn't feel comfortable telling some people the due date. Including me.

I guess maybe she thought I was going to show up with a camera crew.

melody921 · February 2014

I don't think I have specific deal-breakers either. But I can say, I'm much more the type to just let a friendship fizzle out. I can't recall ever having a "we're not going to be friends anymore" chat. Friendships that I let go involved: people who weren't making the effort, people who were overly negative or overly critical of my life choices or people who were entirely too braggy and made me constantly roll my eyes. I take friendship seriously. I am a good, loyal friend. But I prefer to have a small group of tight friends than be BFFs with everyone around me. My time is limited, and I just can't put in the effort for people who don't reciprocate or just don't fit into my life.

tinyhumantoe · February 2014

I always wonder what the specifics of someone 'not putting in as much effort in' as you are. Are you sure the amount of effort you're putting in is even something your friend can match at this time in their life?

Some things that really put a dent in available effort are finals week, starting a new career, moving, planning something big, having a kid, kid getting sick, work deadline, major home repair, being sick, losing family members, a moldy itchy vagina, etc etc.

I agree to kick a friendship if it sucks for you, but like I said... it always makes me wonder if it's really lack of effort, or more than that - like are they just meh about you and you can kind of tell?

The extent of my effort is answering/returning phone calls, making it to birthdays if physically possible, and the once or twice a year fun thing. Most of my friends have families and don't live close. I've missed my friend's daughter's birthday the last 3 years in a row because of work trips. She's not mad, and keeps inviting me. Do you guys put in more effort than that? Are you handmaking quilts and scoffing at their store-bought gifts?

Pokedot · February 2014

I had a friend from high school that ended up treating me like crap. We ended the friendship then she came back to apologize about a year later. Water under the bridge. 2 years later after being my MOH she started crap again. I kind of ended the friendship by not letting her walk all over me. We never had the "this isn't working" talk but after the things she said to me, through email non the less I wasn't putting any effort into it. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. She was my best girl friend and it sucked. It seemed like she didn't like to see me with something she didn't have.

My have a few deal breakers I guess. Lying, not putting any effort into the relationship or treating me like crap. At this age I think things can be repaired if both parties want it. Obviously if there is no effort from the other party whats the point. I've kind of narrowed down my friends since HS and I'm ok with that. I'd rather have a few close friends than a ton of acquaintances.

BillyMollyEmmy · February 2014

I'm actually not an "effort" person. I'm pretty chill about that. Some of my closest friends and I don't see or talk to each other for weeks or months. Some of them have kids, some don't. I'm not a call/talk every week kinda gal. It seems to work for us, we just catch up where we left off.

tinyhumantoe · February 2014

Not trying to hijack BME - I'm genuinely curious as to what type of effort people expect out of friendships. I'd like to learn.

tinyhumantoe · February 2014

BillyMollyEmmy said:

I'm actually not an "effort" person. I'm pretty chill about that. Some of my closest friends and I don't see or talk to each other for weeks or months. Some of them have kids, some don't. I'm not a call/talk every week kinda gal. It seems to work for us, we just catch up where we left off.

We can be friends.

Pokedot · February 2014

tinyhumantoe said:

Not trying to hijack BME - I'm genuinely curious as to what type of effort people expect out of friendships. I'd like to learn.

I talked about effort in my response but I think it depends on the type of friendship. I have friends from HS that are still super close. One lives about 2 miles from me the other hundreds. We talk on FB, through text and my friend long distance we FaceTime. I think if you're comfortable with the "effort" and the other person is it's fine. Some people are high maintenance in that regard. I'm not but if I don't hear from you for months, know your pregnant or engaged etc, I think that's a pretty superficial relationship. I know whats going on in my friends' lives even when we don't speak for weeks at a time. We all are married and have kids. Time is limited, we just make the best of it.

BeebopandBuddy · February 2014

When it comes to effort for me, I don't feel like we have to talk regularly, but if I call you a few times, I expect you to call back, even if it's to say I am super busy but acknowledge that you reached out. The last friendship I ended seemed to always go that way. I would call a few times, no return call. I would let it be. Then she would randomly leave me a message while I am at work two months later saying we need to catch up. That was annoying.

I don't care if people attend a party or even call but I expect some kind of reciprocation of effort. If I send you a birthday card, I don't necessarily expect that back, but at least a call or text would be nice. That kind of thing.

Pokedot · February 2014

BillyMollyEmmy said:

@loislayn23 I mean IRL friendships.

I just ended a friendship in November.

This person was sucking the life out of me. She would talk down to me. I walked on eggshells around her (ie, couldn't talk about certain topics, always questioned if she would get mad if I made a certain joke). I never knew what kind of mood she would be in. She called all the shots. She gave me ultimatums about being friends with people she didn't like.

It was time for her to go. I don't regret it.

All of this is how my last friendship fizzled out. She couldn't be happy for me when I was happy. Hated that I had things she didn't (DH) and was just plain rude to me for no reason. I can't say I'm an angel in everything but what I considered a friend was not her. I see her on occassion now. We haven't been friends for 2.5 years now.

melody921 · February 2014

BeebopandBuddy said:

When it comes to effort for me, I don't feel like we have to talk regularly, but if I call you a few times, I expect you to call back, even if it's to say I am super busy but acknowledge that you reached out. The last friendship I ended seemed to always go that way. I would call a few times, no return call. I would let it be. Then she would randomly leave me a message while I am at work two months later saying we need to catch up. That was annoying.

I don't care if people attend a party or even call but I expect some kind of reciprocation of effort. If I send you a birthday card, I don't necessarily expect that back, but at least a call or text would be nice. That kind of thing.

This is me. Most of my friends and I don't talk all the time. But return my calls or FB messages. Don't only look to get together when it's your kid's birthday. Don't cancel on me at the alst minute every time. Don't degrade my spouse, family, job, life choices.

Pokedot · February 2014

tinyhumantoe said:

I always wonder what the specifics of someone 'not putting in as much effort in' as you are. Are you sure the amount of effort you're putting in is even something your friend can match at this time in their life?

Some things that really put a dent in available effort are finals week, starting a new career, moving, planning something big, having a kid, kid getting sick, work deadline, major home repair, being sick, losing family members, a moldy itchy vagina, etc etc.

I agree to kick a friendship if it sucks for you, but like I said... it always makes me wonder if it's really lack of effort, or more than that - like are they just meh about you and you can kind of tell?

The extent of my effort is answering/returning phone calls, making it to birthdays if physically possible, and the once or twice a year fun thing. Most of my friends have families and don't live close. I've missed my friend's daughter's birthday the last 3 years in a row because of work trips. She's not mad, and keeps inviting me. Do you guys put in more effort than that? Are you handmaking quilts and scoffing at their store-bought gifts?

I think the amount of effort you are putting in is fine. Each person's "amount of effort" is different but if you're good enough friends you know what life events get in the way. You also know what they "require" when it comes to effort. All of my friends and I are in the same/similar places in life. We get together when we can but I'm not going to get mad if plans are cancelled or things come up. Such is life. I expect a phone call or an email once in a while but nothing crazy.

tinyhumantoe · February 2014

Oh my god, who are you guys friends with?

tinyhumantoe · February 2014

I guess I'm speaking from a unique place, because the friends I have now are 'forever' friends. It's quite sparse, and I'm very happy with that.

I got rid of everyone like BME's jewel a long time ago. Also, guilt-trippers got the fucking boot. I saw that I was spending time with whomever guilted me the most and I could never quite meet their 'effort' requirements even if I killed myself trying. I cut those lifesuckers, and now have more energy to do nice things for my awesome friends - like buy and mail a crocheted bloody tampon filled with catnip to my cat-loving friend.

MRoxy0628 · February 2014

The friend I referred to in my post is someone I've been friends with since high school, but she wasn't in my main friend group, so I wouldn't see her as often, which is totally fine. We'd get together a few times a year. The last time I saw her was when she stopped over to meet Lily. We've exchanged messages over the last year, but the last time I told her when I was available to get together, she never responded. I also just checked and I sent her a message on New Years Eve about something random and her response was cordial, but short.

I may try to reach out to hear again soon, but I also think like you said maybe "she's just not that into" our friendship. And I understand that. I just don't want to keep putting in the effort and not have it be reciprocated. I also would never say something about it, because she's my friend, not my husband. I don't think it's that hard to respond to a message or email, even if its months later.

jenndub · February 2014

If you sleep with my fiancé(or husband), we're done. Otherwise, I don't have any set deal breakers. I like people that I can talk to whenever, that aren't clingy and don't guilt trip me. Also, I hate one uppers. I can't be friends with someone who has to outdo me all the time.

BME, you did the right thing kicking that one to the curb. She's crazy.

Stasi · February 2014

I've never ended a friendship just 'boom' out of the blue. I guess I've never had a reason to. I have friends that bug me, but not enough to end my relationship with them.

I've also drifted apart from people because life pulled us in different directions and it just happened. No hard feelings about it.

I also only have 5 or 6 really really close friends whom I've known for years and years (15+). We grew up together, started careers, got married, started families, so it's easy to "stay on the same page" as them because they are at the same stage of life as me. And also not crazy

hmp1 · February 2014

I can't think of a time I ever ended a friendship for a specific reason other than drifting apart over time and just not keeping up anymore. I'm a pre-FB college person so I lost touch with a lot of people as we moved off and started our lives. A few I have maintained what I consider a friendship but very rarely actually talk to them.

tinyhumantoe · February 2014

I am thinking really hard on this one... I guess I have never had a blow up or break up with a friend. Just fizzled things like @hmp1 and @stasi described. So when I say I booted or cut ties, I really mean I let them fizzle and die. I don't even do anything shitty like blatantly ignore phone calls when I'm ready to be done.

bosha711 · February 2014

Betrayal of trust. I've only had one friendship end badly & that's what it was over.

I confronted her at a party about it & she literally hid from me the entire time. I went to her house to confront her again & she "wasn't home". And that was it.

What is your deal breaker?

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