Telling Bestie I'm pregnant tonight & she miscarried 3 months ago

duckr · February 2014

My best friend lost her little girl in December. The baby was diagnosed with Turner's Syndrome and she made it to the 5th month but lost her and had to deliver. Fast forward to Valentine's Day and I find out that I'm 8-9 weeks pregnant (doctor will determine the exact week at my 12-13 week appointment March 22). We are planning to go out to dinner tonight with our other very good friend (three amigos) and I am going to tell them tonight.

My concerns:

1. Am I doing the right thing telling her out at dinner in front of our other friend?
2. Should I wait even though she told me and third amigo when she was 8 weeks before any of our other friends?
3. How do I do this as gently as possible? Right before we leave so she can be alone right after in case she wants to cry?

Help please. Thank you.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

I would recommend not doing it in person, or if you must doing it at the end of the night when it's just the two of you. After my miscarriages, every friend or family member's pregnancy felt like a punch in the stomach. There's no doubt she will be happy for you, but she may need some time to process the news. Good luck!

duckr · February 2014

Thank you. I hate that I'm going to make her feel that way regardless of how I tell her.

kirstynikole · February 2014

Well that is a tough call.. I would actually probably tell her separately. I would maybe meet her and talk personally. Just in case she does need some time to process so she's not blindsided in the midst of a restaurant.. then again she may be able to react with happiness for you. The only problem with telling her at dinner (if she does get emotional) is that the result of the evening may not go so well. You know her best, so I'm sure you'll figure it out. I would imagine if I had a loss a few months ago, it may still be a tough subject, so I'd rather be told in a more intimate setting.. but I can't be for certain how she feels..

Best of luck!

HorseLover11 · February 2014

I agree not to do it in person and do you feel the need to tell her while you're still in the first tri and give her more time to process her loss?

LadyLawyerTTC · February 2014

You're not making her feel bad. The sad circumstance of her miscarriage makes her feel bad for a lot of reasons. She'll be genuinely happy for you, but she'll also have to deal with her own feelings of disappointment and sadness for herself. Unfortunately those two feelings come together with your news. But I think it's important to know that you aren't making her feel bad. She feels bad about her own loss, not your success.

I've struggled with infertility for many years and this is my first pregnancy. In the past, news of others pregnancies and births was always a little difficult to hear. But I can honestly say I was happy for my friends. I would never wish a loss or the difficulty of infertility on anyone. It's not just pregnancy announcements that cause a person who suffered a loss to be sad. It's every little thing - seeing baby clothes at the store, babies on TV, dates when a baby would have been expected.

I would recommend telling her separately. Not at a meal in a public place where she is basically trapped. I would tell her by phone to give her time to process the news on her own. I think that will allow her to be happier for you when she sees you in person.

duckr · February 2014

@HorseLover11 I thought about waiting. I guess that's another concern. If I wait will it make her feel left out or insulted that I didn't feel like I could tell her sooner? She had told me when she was 8 weeks and certainly things have changed...Maybe I could talk to her sister first. I feel like even though she's my best friend and I know her very well, I don't know what she's going through. I'm here for her but I don't know how she could possibly be feeling. I googled this as well and it was very mixed.

brittneyandadam · February 2014

Don't do it in person or before you guys go out. Send her a nice email AFTER the dinner so she has time to process her feelings.

chusum · February 2014

I would tell her alone after dinner. That way she can tell you she's happy and you two can walk away and she can cry if she needs to alone. I don't think it would be fair to share the news with her during dinner in a public setting, then she's expected to keep it together for an hour or so. If you think they would figure it out by your lack of alcohol or food choices you should share beforehand, and let her bow out of dinner if she needs to without judgement. It would suck for the other one to do that, "oh, are you pregnant because you aren't drinking" thing and then your loss friend would feel even more hurt because you were hiding it from her even if it was for her own good.

duckr · February 2014

@LadyLawyerTTC Thank you. It's nice to get a little insight to how she might be feeling about this. Maybe I will just keep the news to myself tonight and wait for a better time.

Daisy1232 · February 2014

I would suspect my friends of being pregnant and it was enough to get my heart racing after my mc. It would be my worst nightmare to be told about a friend's pregnancy in the middle of a restaurant and I'm a pretty stoic person.

The wound is so fresh for her, please please don't tell her at a dinner. Make the dinner about being there for her as a friend because trust me, she needs you right now, and call or text her another time to tell her.

autumnbride07 · February 2014

I would text or email her. Then she is free to process on her own terms in privacy.

duckr · February 2014

Wow, I am really glad I asked. I was getting the opposite advice from my mother and husband. It's good to get it from you ladies who have been through this. I am sorry for your losses. Thank you for all your insight.

Rudytudy87 · February 2014

I would tell her after dinner. Maybe even call her on your ride home. You will very likely ruin her night and she will want to go straight home and cry. She deserves her privacy and space and will be happy for you on her own time.

StefanyaMarie · February 2014

Everybody is different and no one on here knows your friend so I think it's going to be hard for any of use to give you the "perfect" advice. But this is my thought, I would give some advanced warning. Maybe call your friend and have a private conversation over the phone to let them know before you tell your other friend at dinner. Especially if she was very emotional about losing the baby, and lets face it, who wouldn't be! I recently told me family that we were expecting at a family dinner for my grandfather's 80th birthday and had a similar situation. My cousin and his wife lost two babies last year and have been TTC again now that they have determined what was wrong. I emailed my cousin's wife on Facebook that day to give her the heads up. When I got to dinner she pulled me aside and told me that she appreciated the consideration I had for letting them know so that they were prepared, she then told me that they were expecting again but that they weren't planning on telling anyone until their second trimester. She is a month ahead of me. I dont know if that helps you decide on what the best approach is for you but it's what I got, take it or leave it. Good luck and congrats! Best wishes for your friend as well!

rlyttle · February 2014

1) Doing it at dinner in front of other friends is not a good idea. I would call her ahead of time and tell her and tell her that you wanted to tell her first. That way she can have her feelings at home and if she still wants to come to dinner it won't be a big surprise. Don't make the entire dinner about your pregnancy. Tell your other friend and move past it.

2) I would go ahead and call her today.

3) I have had 2 previous losses, but my BFF lost her baby at 22 weeks and I called her and said that I was pregnant again. I told her that I was very scared and I was really happy that I told her. She said she was very excited, but I know deep down it stings. Just don't be surprised if your bff isn't all up in your pregnancy business. Don't talk about it around her so much. Def don't complain around her about how you are feeling.

LM915 · February 2014

AnnieBN said:

I would recommend not doing it in person, or if you must doing it at the end of the night when it's just the two of you. After my miscarriages, every friend or family member's pregnancy felt like a punch in the stomach. There's no doubt she will be happy for you, but she may need some time to process the news. Good luck!

I agree with all this. I wouldn't tell her in person. I had a good friend tell me via text about her pregnancy shortly after my loss and I was so glad it wasn't in person. I needed to cry and be upset/angry/etc for myself and I wouldn't have wanted her to see that or to try and hide it in front of her and other people.

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