Too harsh?

Ecat504 · February 2014

I found out 3 weeks ago that I was pregnant, i know who my baby's father is but he is denying the child and that he and I had a relationship because he is back with his ex
(Whom he has a child with) he was in basic training for the army but when he came home for Christmas I conceived our child. I've tried giving him multiple opportunities to be involved with my baby, yet he still 100% denies both of us. I'm not looking to have a relationship with him but I want him to have a chance to be there if he wants to be. However today I did tell him that in 6 months when the baby is born if he's still denying it I'm not just going to let him walk into baby's life years/months down the road (because he is the flaky type where he will be in and out of the baby's life like he is with his daughter now). I don't want to be too harsh with him, but I also want to protect my baby but give it a fair shot of having it's father. Does that make since? And before anyone goes on a "immature" rampage about this, I actually find myself handling this much better than most, and also I didn't TRY to get pregnant I was on the pill and it happens.. I'm not looking for lectures or negativity (unless you think I'm being a total bitch to father and think he deserves more, which is okay I'm asking for those opinions)

thanks y'all.

MinnesotaMomma91 · February 2014

You clearly dont lurk here. Its pretty rare we go on rampages of any kind. To instigate drama on this board you have to fuck with a reg.

Now, you might not get a say in if he is involved or not. Sorry to tell you. If yoy need state support they will make you file for child support. And at that point if he decides to pursue a dna test and has to accept hes the father. You have a accept he might go for joint custody or visitations and a judge will more then likely award it to him. Being a flake isnt reason enough in court to keep him out of the childs life.

Also, how do you know your handling it better then most? I can honestley say its very rare to come across a single mom or blended family mom who doesnt handle it well.

MinnesotaMomma91 · February 2014

@Beccaga16 im with you, on everything. 3 weeks is a short time span in the greater picture of nine months.

Ill be very honest about this. My bf did not want to be a father. His bms birth control failed. Want to know how long it took him to accept the pregnancy and decide to grow up and be a dad. 3 months. He spent the entire first trimester going back and forth.

Op, welcome to the internet you cant dictate how people respond to your posts.

Ecat504 · February 2014

I'm very sorry if I came off snarky, I wasn't trying to offend anyone by saying not to rampage, I suppose I didn't word that correctly and my apologies, I was trying to prevent myself from being attacked as that has happened to me once or twice here when I'm honestly just looking for help/advice from people who may have dealt with similar things. He doesn't live far away, we were in a committed relationship, he came home from basic training (in Missouri, but he lives less that 15 minutes from me and is home now). I've only known for three weeks but I'm roughly 10 weeks pregnant. I understand the paternity tests, I'm 100% sure that it is his and am 110% willing to have one done. @beccaga16 I appreciate your input and the POV you've offered, thank you and again I'm sorry if I have offended y'all that was not my intention.

MinnesotaMomma91 · February 2014

@Ecat504 that is why lurking is important.

I dont really have much to say other then, if you dont want to be attacked dont come into our board, and insult us in the same breathe as you ask for support. It wont go over well.

MinnesotaMomma91 · February 2014

Ecat504 said:
I found out 3 weeks ago that I was pregnant, i know who my baby's father is but he is denying the child and that he and I had a relationship because he is back with his ex
(Whom he has a child with) he was in basic training for the army but when he came home for Christmas I conceived our child. I've tried giving him multiple opportunities to be involved with my baby, yet he still 100% denies both of us. I'm not looking to have a relationship with him but I want him to have a chance to be there if he wants to be. However today I did tell him that in 6 months when the baby is born if he's still denying it I'm not just going to let him walk into baby's life years/months down the road (because he is the flaky type where he will be in and out of the baby's life like he is with his daughter now). I don't want to be too harsh with him, but I also want to protect my baby but give it a fair shot of having it's father. Does that make since? And before anyone goes on a "immature" rampage about this, I actually find myself handling this much better than most, and also I didn't TRY to get pregnant I was on the pill and it happens.. I'm not looking for lectures or negativity (unless you think I'm being a total bitch to father and think he deserves more, which is okay I'm asking for those opinions) thanks y'all.

Ecat504 said:
I'm very sorry if I came off snarky, I wasn't trying to offend anyone by saying not to rampage, I suppose I didn't word that correctly and my apologies, I was trying to prevent myself from being attacked as that has happened to me once or twice here when I'm honestly just looking for help/advice from people who may have dealt with similar things. He doesn't live far away, we were in a committed relationship, he came home from basic training (in Missouri, but he lives less that 15 minutes from me and is home now). I've only known for three weeks but I'm roughly 10 weeks pregnant. I understand the paternity tests, I'm 100% sure that it is his and am 110% willing to have one done. @beccaga16 I appreciate your input and the POV you've offered, thank you and again I'm sorry if I have offended y'all that was not my intention.

Also QFP

tig594 · February 2014

beccaga16 said:

Bullet points:

You have known about this baby for 3 weeks, that means he has only known for 3 weeks and you two did not have a committed relationship so maybe this is a lot to take in for him. Give a guy a break.
"You have given him multiple opportunities..." Again it has been three weeks, emotions are high (and so are hormones), he is with another woman and has a child with her. It is easy to see why he isn't jumping for joy and rushing by your side.
Does he live close? It sounds like he lives far away by your description that he "came home for Christmas..." For many men (even married and highly involved dads) it is hard to feel connected to a baby that is not born, let alone the size of a poppy seed in it's mother's womb. Again give him a break.
It is all very logical for a man who is not in a committed relationship with a woman to have doubts about paternity. I am NOT judging, promise! If my brother went out of town and hooked up with a girl over a holiday break and then she became KU I would advise him to have a paternity test. It may seem offensive, but legally and emotionally it is a smart move. As soon as the test is back and he can't deny it then he can do 1 of 2 things; 1) fully open his heart to his child and have no doubts or 2) be a douche that you can now file legal paperwork against for support or full custody.
Knowing you are going through a rough time right now I will only briefly say that I am offended that you came in here asking for advice while simultaneously taking a swing at us by assuming we would go on a "rampage" or get "negative". I will tell you the truth, it may not always be what you want to hear, but it will be presented respectfully, I think we would all appreciate the same from you.
3 weeks. Let it all sink in for all involved. Maybe write to him and let him know that you are more than willing to undergo a DNA test if that would ease his mind. Make sure you are calm and civil during your exchanges. The best thing you can do for your child is try to foster a civil co-parenting relationship with him, or at least be able to say you gave your best effort.
Sorry that was longer than I thought! I wish you all the best. If you read all of that please remember I am offering advice and a peek at what MIGHT be his perspective. Keep calm, baby on board!

Thanks for typing all that up for me. I'm kind of tired today. : ) OP... all of what she said. My daughter's brother KU some chick he dated for a few weeks. He swears it's his but i told him to get a paternity test anyway. You just never know.

Gamera3000 · February 2014

I love these ladies on the board and they're all awesome. No one attacks people here.

I'm supposed to be induced in a few days (thank goodness) but I remember all too clearly where I was a few months ago. First you get sideswiped by finding out you're pregnant, then you get denied when its frankly obvious (to you) that the BD is the father. I felt like "what the hell did *I* do to deserve this?" It's a time when you need support the most!

Some guys are just looking to get laid and they may not be great people. BUT, he might just need some time (and I guess a test) to accept what's happened. He might be okay with/about your LO then.

My advice is to take care of you, leave it open for him to be involved, and read up on the custody laws in your state. If he's being immature and stressing you out, don't talk to him. He can figure himself out.

It sounds to me like your instincts are on track and you just need to give yourself a break.

welcome and keep posting!

jesuisfatiguee · March 2014

I waited until after DS was born and I was talking to his flakey dad at the CS/custody negotiation hearing. I would have talked to him sooner, but he won't speak to me outside the AG's office, apparently

I told him that I was 100% supportive of him having a relationship with DS, with one caveat. I couldn't let him walk in and out of his life the way he's walked in and out of mine. It's one thing to break your word with your gf, but it's another to break your word to a small child - YOUR small child. I made it very clear that DS is learning about the world, and I didn't want "people will always let you down" to be a lesson he learns from his father.

FWIW, I have not really heard from DS' dad since that day, but I suspect that may be to DS' benefit. Maybe he realized he really couldn't step up, so he's just staying away entirely. I prefer that to him being a yo-yo father, tbh.

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