Stress about money

Brigie029 · February 2014

I know this is relative and private to every person, but how do you deal with stress from money? My husband and I have been together for 11 years (married 5) and when we first met we were 19, and he grew up where everything was well deserved but paid for, I didn't. Yet, I do work very hard but have always spent more money on items like clothing, etc than I should but have always made more; double his salary until 1 year ago. Husband has come a long way in terms of "freaking out" about little things and has really helped me when I would buy things and then got us in a hole later. Nothing too drastic, truly, but I know that if I had been more diligent, we would have a lot more saved for the baby. Now, he wants to get a second job to make sure we are okay but told me he resents me for purchases made on the credit card-joint/vacation purchases. Side note, husband is very generous and does a lot with money when we have it, but no matter how much I don't spend or budget we keep coming back to this issue.

Regardless of who's fault, how do you deal with money issues so they are minimal?

Bluebird2318 · February 2014

When we were feeling stressed about money, we did our best to cut our spending where we could (buying groceries instead of going to restaurants or ordering out was a big one for us, cutting down on luxury spending). There is nothing you can buy that will feel quite so good as the relief of living comfortably within your means!

Beyond that, plan and prepare for your spending. Anything is more stressful if you don't have a plan laid out. Have a priority system for your bills, debts, etc. if you have to. For example, if money were that tight I would prioritize things with high interest and high danger to your credit score (like credit cards), then important utilities (which are somewhat more forgiving if you are late), then lower interest debts or debts that are "no interest for x amount of time," etc. etc.

When it comes to luxury purchases, try to agree on the expenses or have an understanding between the two of you of what is acceptable luxury spending and when. One possibility might be to cut down on luxury spending throughout the year, but have a reward planned for the both of you that you can save toward. (Ex. DH and I are saving for a cruise with friends in October.) You're setting yourself up for a mess if your purchases are something you feel like you will have to justify to him (or he will have to justify to you) after the fact. Try to agree upon it ahead of time.

BiggerinRealLife · February 2014

Counseling, both financial planning and couples.

cjpell0 · February 2014

Sit down together and make a budget together.Be transparent. We use Mint, we have all of our accounts, individual and joint, student loans, etc. linked so we can both see exactly where money is going. I do the budgeting, pay the bills, etc. but he knows how to access the information should be care to.

MrsZ0811 · February 2014

Having a realistic budget is key. As far as personal spending we each get a set amount of clothes, hair cut and "blow" money a month and as long as we stay within that limit the other has no say in how we spend it. Im going to spend mine to get my nails done this month, DH has no say and cannot gripe about me doing it because its my "blow" money to blow on whatever i want. If he wants to spend his on model airplane crap, he can and I cant gripe to him about it. We found that doing that really helped with our fighting over small spending things.

We live on a very tight small budget. and have everything very specifically written out. PM me if you want any other ideas. I would even be open to sending you our budget layout.

Ashleypixie · February 2014

Haha! You guys sound like us! My husband is the breadwinner here and tries hard to keep our finances in check. I grew up in a very privileged household and have no concept of money and slip up sometimes in how badly I spoil myself. We had our first child when I was 22 and right before he started law school. Those three following years taught me a lot about money management. This was several years ago and he has a steady job now, but I think that without those difficult years I would be far worse than I am now. My advice is not go to law school, but establish a tight budget that you both stick to (and that you are a part of, don't leave it just to him to manage) for six months or maybe a year. You'll see how much goes where and how important it is to save, and he'll understand just how much is left over for frivolous spending (from both of your incomes) and won't be so upset about how much is spent. You'll develop better financial habits and stop having to back to this issue over and over. It takes two to manage household finances. The best solution for us is for me to reel it in because I know how much we have to spend and where it all goes, and for him to relax a bit and let ME have some say in how I decide to spend. There's very little resentment right now.

LittleLady77 · February 2014

mint.com saved our marriage in the early days... okay so that's an exaggeration but it seriously helped us understand what we were doing, set goals and budgets and build a future for ourselves.

ksulli · February 2014

We know what counts for us as 'needs' (this varies by person/couple)., and then spending on small things beyond that is generally fine, but if we're going over $100 or so we'll mention it to the other person. Works for us, but we have similar financial feelings.

CurlieWhirlie · February 2014

I might add one more thing to what PPs have said. Since you both have your own income, have you thought about having a joint account for all joint expenses (for which you definitely need a budget, everyone is right about that), and then retaining your own separate accounts where you can save up what little might be left over every month for your own fun spending? SO and I have a household budget for everything joint — groceries, bills, car payments, gas, insurance — and then we each have our own separate accounts so we can save or spend however we want to. So when we go out to dinner, we "treat" each other from our own accounts, rather than from the joint account. The reason we did it this was was because we each have some separate financial obligations (he's got child support to his ex, I've got student loans) so we didn't want to commingle that, but I have to say I really like the freedom to internet shop on my own dime.

hordol · February 2014

You both should sit down together and create a budget if you don't have one already. We keep track of our budget on an excel spreadsheet, and we also use mint.com. I would also recommend cutting out all unnecessary purchases until you have enough in savings that you feel more ready to take on this baby. Back in November and December, we were hit with a lot of home and car repairs that came on suddenly, so to make up the lost money we gave up eating out for two months which literally saves hundreds. We did a couple other things too, but the eating out thing definitely saved us the most.

My husband grew up in a house where they had very little money and anytime they would get a bit of money in their hands, they would spend it immediately on something frivolous resulting in an inability to pay their bills and they ended up going through bankruptcy twice. DH grew up and got a job with a decent salary and let it go to his head a bit and he spent way more than he saved. He actually didn't save much of anything.

I grew up in a house where you might call me privileged because I was never in need of anything, but my parents were frugal and we never spent money on frivolous things (or rather, very rarely.) The downturn of the economy hit my parents really hard and my dad lost his income (mom didn't work), but they were able to make things work because of the smart financial decisions they made earlier on in their lives. My parents have rubbed off on me and I am also very frugal. I carried this attitude into my relationship with my DH and made it very clear that our relationship would not work if he was not willing to reign in his spending and make every financial decision and large purchase a joint decision. He does awesome with money now and is even better than me most of the time.

All that said, money is a very personal and very scary thing. What my DH and I do may not work for you and your husband or anyone else. Money has the potential to be very damaging in a relationship. You and your DH need to get on the same page, whatever that may be. But just remember, the stress that money issues can put on a relationship are just not worth whatever it is you want to spend money on. You can live without most things you want to buy. But the damage overspending can have on a relationship can be detrimental.

avidkeo · February 2014

Haven't read all the posts, but what I have read has very good advice.

A bit about how DH and I operate.

I was the one to incur debt - on credit card and other. He has on occasion had to support me, but I am now the breadwinner.

What we do is have a joint account for all joint expenses - eg house hold, holidays etc. then have a separate account where every week we get "pocket money" so to speak. Its not much atm, only around $30 each week. Occasionally if one of us wants to get something big but only for ourselves we will take even money from the joint account. Eg: recently my e-reader died so I wanted to replace it. DH agreed we could each take $100 extra that week from the joint account to cover this expense. It sounds weird to some people but it works for us. At the end of the day you have to do what works for you as a couple!

My CC debt was paid from the joint account, and it was agreed now it is paid off there will be no mention of it again. He understands where the debt came from and why, and I know that kind of spending is not acceptable (I was a student, and it was for text books, but also got spent on other things as well). This is the point it sounds like your DH is having problems with - so for this I agree with the counseling. If you cant work it out, and he keeps bringing it up, then that is the only way to go. Unfortunately money can be the worst thing in a relationship if its not discussed openly and past "digressions" are forgiven and forgotten.

hlm184 · February 2014

Budget budget budget.

I don't care who makes more, that's not an excuse to go on a spending spree. We budget and give ourselves allowances each week based on what we can afford. That money is ours to spend with no comments from the other. If the cards get you in trouble, go to a cash system.

LittleLady77 · February 2014

I agree that if you want things to go smoothly it shouldn't matter who is earning more. The income is always the family's. Over the years DH and I have gone back and forth with who brings in more, this last year I earned double what he did. We are both in sales so those flukes happen. Ultimately it doesn't affect how we function as a team at all.

spano41 · February 2014

Lots of good advice on budgeting and what not. As far as how money management goes in our relationship, I manage all of our money and bills. If DH wants to spend money on something other than necessities, which for him is food and gas, he asks me first. It sounds like I'm controlling but really he just doesn't want to ever have to worry about anything....and he doesn't. I take on all of the responsibility and in return get to make the decisions on where our money goes. If we are going to make a big purchase like buying a car, vacation, furniture etc. we discuss it together first. The only reason this works for us is that 1) DH knows I am WAY better with money and we are way better off with managing the finances and 2) DH does not like shopping in the first place so I make sure he never needs anything, and he doesn't ever have the urge to spend money.

Brigie029 · February 2014

Thanks ladies! We have actually gone to counseling and that didn't really help because my husband refuses to do a budget despite this being our biggest stress. And, I'm of the mindset that we share everything but I know I take a bigger piece of the pie, even when he says it's fine; I'm sure he's harboring resentment because he's passive/aggressive. I love the advice of using mint.com and excel, and I would love any samples, etc-so, thank you! Looks like I'll try budgeting again and share with him (have tried in the past and failed-he refused to try it) but now that we have the baby on the way, maybe this will be extra motivation to do it together. Thanks ladies. :-)

LittleLady77 · February 2014

Brigie029 said:

Thanks ladies! We have actually gone to counseling and that didn't really help because my husband refuses to do a budget despite this being our biggest stress. And, I'm of the mindset that we share everything but I know I take a bigger piece of the pie, even when he says it's fine; I'm sure he's harboring resentment because he's passive/aggressive. I love the advice of using mint.com and excel, and I would love any samples, etc-so, thank you! Looks like I'll try budgeting again and share with him (have tried in the past and failed-he refused to try it) but now that we have the baby on the way, maybe this will be extra motivation to do it together. Thanks ladies. :-)

Even if you don't actually "set" your budgets in mint.com it will still track all of your spending. One issue we had early on is that hubby thought I was spending tons of money. I was but it was on things like gas and groceries (I commute). So once it was all laid out to see it helped tremendously. Plus mint is kinda fun. Hopefully you can get hubby into it and and it will become fun to set budgets.

KatieGummow · February 2014

When we got married we read "total money makeover" by Dave Ramsey. It helped us be on the same page with our finances and have the same goal. We dont follow it to the T but it helped us 100% learn about eachother and become almost identical money spenders.

prettyinpink84 · February 2014

We discuss all purchases. From what to get at the grocery store to buying large items. It works for us.

MrsZ0811 · February 2014

We use excel for ours (I love that it does the math for me!) And we kind of follow Dave Ramsey's envelope system. We also use almost exclusively cash!

MamaPiers · February 2014

We use an excel spreadsheet for our budget (it helps!) and we talk it over before making any major purchases so there are no surprises. Good luck to you and hubby!

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