OADers-Miscarriages/Baby Loss

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

Hi Everyone,

I just passed the third anniversary of my first loss, it was the loss where I was further along, and that completely devastated me (the second loss was a blighted ovum and I never really felt stable in that pregnancy, it all happened so fast it didn't really upset me the way the first one did).

Since having DD, I feel like she has healed my heart from the losses. I still remember the babies that could have been, but it doesn't hurt me the way it used to. I used to do all of the remembrance walks and support boards, but now feel like I have moved to a place where I am in a new phase and don't really want to dredge all of those old feelings up any more.

For those of you who have experienced baby loss, do you feel the same way if your losses were prior to your only?

JackoftheBox · February 2014

@hopefulmom81 I'm sorry you experienced this.

After reading a thread today i would like to comment if you guys don't mind...

DH and I had the option to adopt a child right after DS was born. He was literally 3 months old. I had PPD and severe anxiety plus we had just bought a house. We declined the offer and i regret it a lot. After a very unfortunate situation we once again had the option to adopt the same child. We went for it full force. I wanted that baby so badly and felt like we were more secure and could care for her better. Despite our efforts we did not get to adopt her however there was a wonderful outcome. I regret not taking her from the start a lot.

Helenahhandbasket · February 2014

So sorry for your loss.

Both of my losses were prior to DD. I took my first loss really hard- it was a MMC dx at the tail end of my first tri, and I had to have a D and C. We has already seen the heartbeat and told my parents, so it was a difficult loss.

The second loss was a very early natural MC, so much different than my first. I also conceived DD the cycle right after that loss w/o a period in between, so not a lot of time to grieve.

I don't know if carrying DD healed my heart-- as I was a complete wreck the entire pregnancy - literally until she was born and I heard her cry. We did get a puppy a few months after my first loss and as crazy as it sounds, I credit her (my pup) for getting me through some really difficult times.

I think if I ever do decide to have another, my mindset will be different going into the pregnancy-- I know my body CAN carry a baby to term, and my mind will be occupied with taking care of DD, working FT, etc.

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

Helenahhandbasket said:

So sorry for your loss.
Both of my losses were prior to DD. I took my first loss really hard- it was a MMC dx at the tail end of my first tri, and I had to have a D and C. We has already seen the heartbeat and told my parents, so it was a difficult loss.
The second loss was a very early natural MC, so much different than my first. I also conceived DD the cycle right after that loss w/o a period in between, so not a lot of time to grieve.
I don't know if carrying DD healed my heart-- as I was a complete wreck the entire pregnancy - literally until she was born and I heard her cry. We did get a puppy a few months after my first loss and as crazy as it sounds, I credit her (my pup) for getting me through some really difficult times.
I think if I ever do decide to have another, my mindset will be different going into the pregnancy-- I know my body CAN carry a baby to term, and my mind will be occupied with taking care of DD, working FT, etc.

Yes, yes and yes, @helenahhandbasket. We have similar loss stories ("worse" 1st loss, and quicker 2nd losses) I checked the toilet paper EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I went to the bathroom all 39 weeks and had a rough L&D where I was convinced she was going to die until I heard her cry as well.

I have said the same thing about a second pregnancy, but I think I still would be convinced the baby could die at any time, because there are no guarantees.

I just kind of feel like looking at DD NOW, not when I was pregnant, I see everything we wanted and I don't mourn the losses the way I used to.

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

JackoftheBox said:

@hopefulmom81 I'm sorry you experienced this.

After reading a thread today i would like to comment if you guys don't mind...

DH and I had the option to adopt a child right after DS was born. He was literally 3 months old. I had PPD and severe anxiety plus we had just bought a house. We declined the offer and i regret it a lot. After a very unfortunate situation we once again had the option to adopt the same child. We went for it full force. I wanted that baby so badly and felt like we were more secure and could care for her better. Despite our efforts we did not get to adopt her however there was a wonderful outcome. I regret not taking her from the start a lot.

@JackofTheBox you can definitely comment, I had no idea that you had an adoption fall through. I am so sorry.

You did the best you could at the time with the information you had. If you were swirling in the world of PPD/PPA, there is NO WAY most people would have taken on a 2nd child. I was incapable of almost anything with my PPA. You made the best decision you could at the time.

I am so sorry that happened to you.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

I'm so sorry for your losses, @hopefulmom81 and @helenahhandbasket. I had a very early loss about 3 months prior to conceiving DS. We had been TTC for 9 mo and I thought we were finally done and on our way to starting our family, so I took it really hard. Looking back now, though, I feel at peace with it because if it hadn't happened I wouldn't have DS. Everything came together to make him, and he is perfect. So while I do remember how sad I was at the time, I don't feel sad now.
I was a nervous wreck until we saw the heartbeat around 8 weeks. After that I was pretty ok, especially once I got past 1st tri. I'm so sorry you both had such worrisome pregnancies! Hugs to you.

Chapter79 · February 2014

::hugs:: to you guys.

I'm fortunate that I've never experienced one, I'm sorry for those that have!

eyenigh · February 2014

I lost my first right at the end of the my first trimester and also had to have a D&C. It was much more devastating than I would have ever imagined. Until that moment, I didn't realize just how much I wanted that baby. It was so upsetting that I didn't want to even try again because I couldn't go through that twice. Losing that baby was made harder by the deterioration of my relationship with my only sister, who, out if nowhere, chose that moment to turn her back on me for some perceived wrongs that she felt that I committed years before-- things that not only had no merit, but were completely petty to be upset about. Even if something was worthy of upset, choosing that time was just horrible and cruel. At a time when I could've used some support from my sister, she turned against me, telling me "You don't even have a right to be upset-- it's not like it was even that long. It wasn't a real baby." I'm not sure there was a more hurtful thing that could've been said. I ended up getting pregnant before my next period (it was my husband that really convinced me to give it one more try) and we ended up with Alexander, but not without constant worrying that something was going to happen this time, too. I no longer have any relationship with my sister.

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

eyenigh said:

I lost my first right at the end of the my first trimester and also had to have a D&C. It was much more devastating than I would have ever imagined. Until that moment, I didn't realize just how much I wanted that baby. It was so upsetting that I didn't want to even try again because I couldn't go through that twice. Losing that baby was made harder by the deterioration of my relationship with my only sister, who, out if nowhere, chose that moment to turn her back on me for some perceived wrongs that she felt that I committed years before-- things that not only had no merit, but were completely petty to be upset about. Even if something was worthy of upset, choosing that time was just horrible and cruel. At a time when I could've used some support from my sister, she turned against me, telling me "You don't even have a right to be upset-- it's not like it was even that long. It wasn't a real baby." I'm not sure there was a more hurtful thing that could've been said. I ended up getting pregnant before my next period (it was my husband that really convinced me to give it one more try) and we ended up with Alexander, but not without constant worrying that something was going to happen this time, too. I no longer have any relationship with my sister.

It makes me sick to my stomach that someone would say that to you. I am SO sorry.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

eyenigh said:

I lost my first right at the end of the my first trimester and also had to have a D&C. It was much more devastating than I would have ever imagined. Until that moment, I didn't realize just how much I wanted that baby. It was so upsetting that I didn't want to even try again because I couldn't go through that twice. Losing that baby was made harder by the deterioration of my relationship with my only sister, who, out if nowhere, chose that moment to turn her back on me for some perceived wrongs that she felt that I committed years before-- things that not only had no merit, but were completely petty to be upset about. Even if something was worthy of upset, choosing that time was just horrible and cruel. At a time when I could've used some support from my sister, she turned against me, telling me "You don't even have a right to be upset-- it's not like it was even that long. It wasn't a real baby." I'm not sure there was a more hurtful thing that could've been said. I ended up getting pregnant before my next period (it was my husband that really convinced me to give it one more try) and we ended up with Alexander, but not without constant worrying that something was going to happen this time, too. I no longer have any relationship with my sister.

It makes me sick to my stomach that someone would say that to you. I am SO sorry.

Ditto. That sucks, @eyenigh. I'm so sorry you went through that.

eyenigh · February 2014

Thanks, @hopefulmom81 @rocknrollfriend @YellowWallpaper12 I can't tell you how much I wish it hadn't happened. This is one of the main reasons when people talk about their onlies growing up without a sibling, I think of my experiences and how siblings are never guaranteed friends, let alone even people that you want in your life.

PhantomPower · February 2014

Sorry for everyone who has experienced losses. It is an awful thing to go through.

My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. At the time I was finishing up college and living with my (now H) but we weren't engaged or married. Several people mentioned "maybe the timing just wasn't right!" because I wasn't married. That really made me feel awful and like the loss wasn't validated.

I was highly upset and blamed myself for it because I was drinking TONS of caffeine before I knew I was pregnant.

I had to wait 4 years until we were both ready to try to get pregnant. My pregnancy was incredibly difficult emotionally because Cooper was due the same month I would have been due with my first LO. I spotted on and off throughout my entire pregnancy and was high risk from BP issues so I was convinced he wouldn't make it. Once he was here safely (& out of his brief NICU stay) I really do feel like I moved on. I still light a candle in October and get sad about it once in awhile, but I don't dwell on it like I used to. We are so grateful to have him, and our family feels complete.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

So sorry for your loss @PhantomPower.

coastalmaine · February 2014

Yes hopeful, I feel the same way. Loss will always be part of my story and who I am but it does not haunt me like it used to.

MrsCodeMonkey · February 2014

Many hugs all around!

I had a loss after DD. I never saw it coming and it hit me really hard. The due date was April 4th. It's going to be a rough day when it comes.

I had to get a D&C the day I started the 2nd trimester and DH's 30th birthday.

It felt like some people were not understanding why I was such a mess because I already had DD and it was an early loss. It made some friends uncomfortable to discuss it. A loss is hard no matter what. I was a hormonal mess on top of it all.

I'm better for the most part, but trying to get rid of DD's clothes sets me off into a cry fest. I haven't fully come to terms with it.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

Hugs to you @MrsCodeMonkey!

MrsCodeMonkey · March 2014

LovelyRitaMeterMaid said:
So sorry for your loss.

I had an ectopic pregnancy eight months before I got pregnant with Isla. It was a terrible experience. The way the embryo was situated kept it from going very big and so it went unnoticed until I was 10 weeks (although I knew early it wasn't a viable pregnancy). My doctor had thought I miscarried since my uterus was empty. But apparently the fluid that kept clouding my left ovary on US was the baby.

I think about it almost every day, but it used to be every day. Maybe it still is and it's just become so routine I don't even notice it anymore. Something like that doesn't stop being a part of you. I was due July 3rd. I definitely always think about it on that day. The day of the termination was my parent's anniversary. That was probably the worst part. Mainly because afterward, I went home and was really ill from the medicine they gave me. And his aunt stopped by with baby gifts. I never said a word about it and I made H just say I didn't feel well.

But honestly, had that not all happened, there would be no Isla and
I've made my peace with it.

Many hugs @LovelyRitaMaid!

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