My baby's funeral service

erinel · February 2014

Q passed away almost a week ago, and his service is set to be this coming Friday. I have not been able to even talk to anyone aside from my husband and parents, and the thought of seeing a bunch of people, even close friends sends me to tears. I know everyone is hurting for us, and I'm so lucky that people love us, but I'm just not ready to see them yet. We have invited a very small group of family and our best friends to the service, and one of those friends has offered to host a gathering afterward. This friend is incredibly generous, and will host whatever we want. The issue I have is that I don't even know if I'll be strong enough to go. Also, other close friends who were not initially invited are asking about attending, and I know they will be hurt by not being included. Right now I don't care about hurting feelings, but I am afraid that I am going to damage future friendships by not including them. What should I do?

Maybe Joleisa · February 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Q. I wish I had a great answer as to what you should do, but I think whatever you feel up for is what you should do. I've find that the anticipation of events and how I think they will go is often more difficult than how they really end up being. Let your friend host a gathering and if you feel up for attending--go. If not, it is okay to not go--your friend can still have the gathering and your friends will understand. I think it is wonderful your friends want to support you and your DH. ((hugs))

erinel · February 2014

Thanks for responding. I think you are right that the build up might be worse than the reality. I should be more grateful that we have so many people that love and care for us, but right now I just want to hide away. Tomorrow will be one week since we lost him, but it feels like no time has passed at all.

schulme2 · February 2014

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I was in no mood to see anyone and as much as I know people wanted to be there, Mary's funeral service was just our parents and our siblings. It was much easier to handle and telling people it was just immediate family made it easy for others to understand. I think you need to do whatever makes you most comfortable.

stefuge · February 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I agree that you need to do whatever you feel comfortable with. We only had immediate family at our memorial service for Colton, and it helped not having the extra pressure of a lot of people there. ((Hugs)).

veetveet · February 2014

Im almost 2 weeks in past termination/delivery and I am still in hiding mode. All I want is to be with my husband. I don't want to physically see or talk to anyone. We avoided a service because of the very same reason- I simply cannot be around people right now.

So hard to tell you what to do- take care of your needs first. If people do mot understand then they were not your true friends to begin with.

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.

ikrystal · February 2014

I agree with everyone else. Please do not worry about anyone else right now. Most people will understand anyway. My husband originally posted details about our twins' memorial on Facebook and I made him take it down. To me, he had made an incredibly personal experience into something very impersonal by posting details on social media. I understand that he wanted to get the word out quickly without having to talk to people and tell them the same story over and over, but I wanted only close friends and family there.

I have heard of my funerals that are closed invitations with only close friends and family invited, and I always understood. Do not worry about anyone else but you and your healing right now.

erinel · February 2014

I should have mentioned above that my son was five weeks old when he passed. This means that I had baby showers, people came and met him after he was born, etc., so it's hard for me to say thanks for throwing the baby shower, but you can't come mourn Q's death with us.
We have had so much support over the past few weeks of his illnesses (he was born healthy), it is also hard to keep those people out.
I think what we have decided to do is to have a larger ceremony and a smaller private reception afterwards. The reception will be at my good friends' house, so I can go hide out in her room whenever I want, and we can leave if I want to.
I don't know if this is the right decision, but I think it's what we are going to do. Thank you all for your input.

jonahsma · February 2014

Im so sorry for the loss of your baby Q..Please take care of yourself.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

neptunebljc · February 2014

erinel said:

I should have mentioned above that my son was five weeks old when he passed. This means that I had baby showers, people came and met him after he was born, etc., so it's hard for me to say thanks for throwing the baby shower, but you can't come mourn Q's death with us. We have had so much support over the past few weeks of his illnesses (he was born healthy), it is also hard to keep those people out. I think what we have decided to do is to have a larger ceremony and a smaller private reception afterwards. The reception will be at my good friends' house, so I can go hide out in her room whenever I want, and we can leave if I want to. I don't know if this is the right decision, but I think it's what we are going to do. Thank you all for your input.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think that will be nice. It will be good to have a spot to go and be alone for a few moments when you need it. I think most people will be understanding either way and I'm assuming that they just want to show their support for you and would understand however you are feeling during the service.

Be easy on yourself!

milb11 · February 2014

I am sorry for your loss. I felt very similar to you with regards to my son Elijah's funeral. I wanted it to be my boyfriend's immediate family and my immediate family. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. One of my friends requested to attend and when I told her it was family only, I could tell she was hurt. Two of my uncle's requested to attend as well. I ended up allowing very close friends and extended family to attend (probably out of guilt) but in hindsight I am glad I did. It was nice having that emotional support. My boyfriend's mother invited everyone over afterwards for food and coffee. My girlfriend was telling a story about her co-worker's dog and it was probably the first time I smiled since his death. I did get very quite at times and just stare into space, ignoring everyone, but everyone understood.

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