Please help

mrskate07 · February 2014

edited for privacy

JackoftheBox · February 2014

I'm so sorry your going through this.

Please don't have an abortion. Think of all of the families out there that cannot have a child and would love to take this LO as their own. Would adoption be a choice for you?

God only gives you what you can handle. If I were pregnant I would deal with it to the best of my ability. Rather that be adoption or keeping the child.

Helenahhandbasket · February 2014

Not a monster.

Your body, your choice. Please do what feels right for yourself and your future family.

I honestly don't know what decision I would make if I were in your shoes, so you have my complete sympathy.

Helenahhandbasket · February 2014

JackoftheBox said:

I'm so sorry your going through this.

Please don't have an abortion. Think of all of the families out there that cannot have a child and would love to take this LO as their own. Would adoption be a choice for you?

God only gives you what you can handle. If I were pregnant I would deal with it to the best of my ability. Rather that be adoption or keeping the child.

I hate to call out here, but the bolded is probably only comforting to someone who is a believer.

As a rabid non-believer, it makes me laugh/ makes me angry. God doesn't pay anyone's bills.

Sorry if that was a little harsh, JOTB-- just offering a different perspective.

Shabutie · February 2014

You won't get flames for this over here.
I would feel the exact same way you do right now, if I were in your shoes. It seems you've already decided that it is what is best, and, in that situation I would have to agree. You are absolutely not a monster and you should never let anybody tell you that your feelings aren't justified.

@jackofthebox I know that you mean well and I think you're an amazing and awesome person, but I don't think it is proper to plead that someone do something so big, and that they are against, because there are people out there who can't have babies. There are plenty of homeless/orphaned children in the world.
All I can say is that if I were in her situation, and I ended up having the baby and adopting it out, I would feel a pit in my heart for the rest of my life. I would feel awful that I couldn't keep the baby because of money and other reasons that are out of my control. I would also be looked down upon by my extended family, because I know a lot of them would try to force me to keep it. If I ended up keeping another baby I know that I would resent it, deep down, and that would make me feel awful about myself every day.

It is a lot to deal with, and my heart hurts for you. Please do what you feel is the best option and do not let anyone sway you away from what you know in your heart to be the best decision. It is not their body, and they aren't the ones who have to deal with it.

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

Shabutie said:

You won't get flames for this over here.
I would feel the exact same way you do right now, if I were in your shoes. It seems you've already decided that it is what is best, and, in that situation I would have to agree. You are absolutely not a monster and you should never let anybody tell you that your feelings aren't justified.

@jackofthebox I know that you mean well and I think you're an amazing and awesome person, but I don't think it is proper to plead that someone do something so big, and that they are against, because there are people out there who can't have babies. There are plenty of homeless/orphaned children in the world.
All I can say is that if I were in her situation, and I ended up having the baby and adopting it out, I would feel a pit in my heart for the rest of my life. I would feel awful that I couldn't keep the baby because of money and other reasons that are out of my control. I would also be looked down upon by my extended family, because I know a lot of them would try to force me to keep it. If I ended up keeping another baby I know that I would resent it, deep down, and that would make me feel awful about myself every day.

It is a lot to deal with, and my heart hurts for you. Please do what you feel is the best option and do not let anyone sway you away from what you know in your heart to be the best decision. It is not their body, and they aren't the ones who have to deal with it.

I agree, Shabutie, but I just want to point out that an abortion isn't a "quick fix", you still feel repercussions for the rest of your life. It isn't like having an abortion is this simple thing that just goes away when it is done as some pro-lifers would have you believe.

I just wanted to add that. I know what you are saying, though.

JackoftheBox · February 2014

This is too much for me. I'm sorry for my comments.

Helenahhandbasket · February 2014

JackoftheBox said:

This is too much for me. I'm sorry for my comments.

No don't be sorry - your thoughts/ beliefs/ opinions are your own. I just felt like that's maybe not what the OP was needing to hear.

Shabutie · February 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

I agree, Shabutie, but I just want to point out that an abortion isn't a "quick fix", you still feel repercussions for the rest of your life. It isn't like having an abortion is this simple thing that just goes away when it is done as some pro-lifers would have you believe.

I just wanted to add that. I know what you are saying, though.

That's not entirely what I meant to get out, I guess. I guess I mean it as, in my mind, abortion happens to be the lesser of evils.
I don't exactly consider a baby to be a baby until it has reached a certain point of gestation. I guess viability. Like, "if this baby were born right now, could it possibly survive?" type thing. I believe doctors have the cut off at 1 lb, but don't quote me on that.

Don't get me wrong, I would still feel terrible about the situation, but I would feel much much worse if I went as far as to have a baby that I did not want.

Shabutie · February 2014

Also, I'm sorry @jackofthebox
I was not trying to belittle your feelings in any way

KatieB19 · February 2014

I'm so sorry OP. I can imagine it is extremely difficult. I know that I personally would not be able to carry a baby to term only to give it up for adoption. I have thought myself that if I were to get pregnant, I would also have an abortion. You are a not a monster.

Please know that no matter what anyone else thinks, no one has walked in your shoes. No one can judge you for making the decision that you believe is best for your family. You do not need to defend yourself to anyone. And, this may seem odd, but please don't forget, you are also allowed to be sad. It's a hard decision, one I'm sure you didn't come to lightly. I wish you peace.

Chapter79 · February 2014

I'm so sorry you're put in this position. Hands down, I know I would feel the same. I would feel angry, disappointed and sad. I do NOT want another child, and I know this 200%.. so I know I would battle the same as you are, and I'm far from a "horrible" person.. so please don't feel like a monster.

I've thought about it, and don't believe I could have an abortion. But, I don't judge others who do. I FIRMLY believe it's a woman's choice. This is your body, your family, your decision. Only you know what's right for you and your family, whatever that decision is.

I would most likely give up for adoption. I have many friends who have struggled to have a family, and likely I would try and see if one of them would adopt. I would not keep the baby.

*hugs*

legalbeagle1 · February 2014

Dear OP,

I'm so so sorry you are in this position. When you say you are living from paycheck to paycheck as it is, that, and other reasons such as being happy as a family of three, are perfectly valid to have an abortion. You need to make the best decision for you and your family -- no one else is going to feed, clothe and take care of that second child besides you and you shouldn't feel pressured into carrying a child to give it up for adoption. This isn't an easy decision but you are just trying to be responsible the best way you know how. I wish you peace with whatever you decide.

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

VioletteGrayskies said:

You are in no way a monster, not at all.

I don't know if this is any comfort to you, but two years ago I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. That was a wanted pregnancy (my first), and I mourned the loss.
But even in the depths of my grief, I knew that I hadn't lost a baby, only a possibility. It wasn't even remotely like a real child then, just a hope.
If instead of hope, it was devastation, then abortion would have been the right choice for me.
The miscarriage made me all the more sure that early abortion is entirely your decision and your right.

You are the best person to make the choice about how you can support your daughter. I am so relieved for you that you were able to get an appointment so soon, and I deeply hope that you get only support as you travel there and when you arrive.

I think this is extremely condescending to anyone who has suffered a first trimester loss and feels they lost a baby and is part of the reason so many women suffer silently.

You can acknowledge it is a baby and still be pro-choice, in that it is not your business what another person does with their pregnancy.

As someone who has suffered 2 lost babies in the first trimester, I am really upset that you put it this way. If someone lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks, would that then be a "real baby?" Why then and not in the first trimester? What about 39 weeks? It is still the same fetus, right?

I don't mean to be so combative, but this kind of attitude is exactly why women who suffer first trimester losses feel like their pain doesn't matter.

Just putting it out there, I am 100% pro-choice, but this kind of statement infuriates me.

Helenahhandbasket · February 2014

I sort of get where @violettegrayskies was going. I think she chose to think of her loss as that of the loss of a possibility instead of the loss of a baby. I don't think she meant that she didn't suffer or that it was NBD.

I think it gets a little squicky to call a 6 week old fetus a baby. That's what rifles the "pro-lifers" (I hate that term- because I am not anti life) up.

To me, a later loss (one after viability) is different than a 6 week (or 8 week, or 11 week) loss. My losses made me sad because of the babies that I could have potentially had were lost. I never got to know those babies-- never felt them kick, hiccup, roll around in me, like I did DD, KWIM?

It's a very grey area- and I know a lot of people have very strong opinions on this subject, so that's sort of why I wanted to chime in again.

Also, if I am totally off base VGS-- feel free to correct me!

mrskate07 · February 2014

Wow, I did not expect such a warm response. Truly, thank you, your posts brought me to tears. Just knowing that others would be this torn up as well gives me a lot of comfort. I am reading and re-reading your responses while I get my mind right.

I didn't mean to cause any friction, and thank you all for your honesty.

I have no idea what I'm going to do - I will be 5 weeks 6 days at the time of the appointment. Thinking about both options give me a lot of anxiety but I'm hoping that before Saturday I feel at peace with one way or the other.

Thank you again, and please keep the posts rolling in if there's more to say, it's really giving me a lift from feeling so alone.

JackoftheBox · February 2014

@mrsskate07 This board is full of women who are supportive and kind. We can only give you advice. The decision of what you do for your family and with your body is up to no one but you. I don't think that you caused friction we just happen to all have our personal experiences and beliefs. We do not have to agree but flaming is also not a trend on this board. Feel free to post here when ever you want

@helenahandbbasket I did think your comment was a little harsh, but I also understand that not every believes in God.

@shabutie I wasn't pleading with her to not have an abortion. I should have worded my response differently. I just was wondering if adoption had even crossed her mind.

That said I am pro choice. I think there are just a lot of things to factor in such a huge decision. I am so glad that it's one I am not facing. I am also glad the the OP had the courage to reach out. I also think she chose an outstanding board to do so on.

I hope no one takes offense to this post as that is not my intentions. I just felt like I needed to address these comments.

kristennd · February 2014

It's an incredibly difficult situation. We were briefly in something similar but things resolved themselves.

Adoption is often not nearly as easy as people think. When you're a teenager or in a really unstable situation, sure, there's social support. But when you're married and gainfully employed, you can't go through 9 months of pregnancy and then "give it away." Friends, relatives, and coworkers totally freak. Suddenly "everything will work out" and all the peer pressure is on keeping it.

60% of women in the U.S. who reach the decision to have an abortion already have at least one child. It's never an easy thing. But you're not alone. Or unusual. Or a monster.

[Deleted User] · February 2014

Oh, dear, you are not a monster. You have to make the right decision for yourself and your family. I have not been in this situation, but I am not 100% confidently OAD so I'm not sure what I would do. I have no advice, just hugs. >:D<

Shabutie · February 2014

OP just know that, whatever you choose to do, and however you end up feeling about that decision, you can always come back and talk with us about it. No flames.

hopefulmom81 · February 2014

VioletteGrayskies said:

hopefulmom81 said:

As someone who has suffered 2 lost babies in the first trimester, I am really upset that you put it this way. If someone lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks, would that then be a "real baby?" Why then and not in the first trimester? What about 39 weeks? It is still the same fetus, right?

I don't mean to be so combative, but this kind of attitude is exactly why women who suffer first trimester losses feel like their pain doesn't matter.

I'm really sorry that I hurt you. All I wanted to do was share my story and how I experienced it. I went through the same thing you did, but it's okay we felt differently about it. In no way did I mean to say that anyone else should or did have the same experience I did, and I really, really didn't mean to minimize your loss.

What I was trying to tell the OP is that all women get to define this boundary for themselves, and that even some (not all!) women who wanted the pregnancy don't feel like it's a "baby" right away. She's not a monster for wanting to end it before it becomes a baby to her.

@VioletteGraySkies I totally overreacted, I am sorry, it has been an emotional day on the board for all of us I think. I did understand what you are saying. The whole "it is not really a baby" is tough for me, as a pro-choicer, because after my losses, I do think of the fetus as a baby that is lost, but still recognize every woman has the right to do with their body and pregnancy what they wish. Women are smart enough to make their own decisions.

I also recognize that a lot of first trimester loss IS about the loss of hope and possibility. I apologize for coming at you so harshly. Thank you for handling it so gracefully.

TiffanyBerry · February 2014

**hugs**

I'm so sorry.

I certainly do NOT think you are a monster for considering termination. ONLY you can make the right decision for you and your family. NO ONE else has to live it.

If we unexpectedly got pregnant, I don't think I would terminate. I might consider adoption, but I don't know if I could go through with that. But we don't have the same financial situation, and I believe that plays a large part in it. I *would* schedule DH for a vasectomy ASAP, though, and probably consider a tubal for myself as well to make sure it didn't happen again.

I'm so sorry you are faced with such a very, very difficult decision.

gwendarling · February 2014

((hugs))

I'm so sorry, and you are the farthest from a monster. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

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