trouble leaving baby with in-laws :(

lifesaverz · February 2014

anyone else have this problem? Ugh, I'm frustrated with the situation, & frustrated with myself too. Don't get me wrong, my in-laws are amazing people & I love who they are as far as having a relationship with me...the problem is they are just not as direct & detail oriented as my family, so when it comes to LO being with them I feel like I can't trust that they will follow our routine. When I leave LO with my mom she asks me exactly what to do & when to do it, valuing detail like me, & she knows how important routine is, so I can trust that she will do exactly what I want, which is such a great feeling. And furthermore if she has any questions I know she will call & ask rather than just do what she wants. I can pick LO up from being with her & continue to follow our routine for the day with nothing being thrown off.

Today I left LO with my in-laws for the first time, for such a short time period too (just under 2 hours), & they still managed to throw off her routine! They didn't get her to nap when she was supposed to, & she has been off ever since. The thing that annoys me is not just that her bedtime will most likely be later tonight because of it, but that I know how long they kept LO up today could not have been pleasant for her. She gets upset when she crosses her "window" for napping, & they did admit she got really fussy at the end (you think?? it's because I told you to put her down for a nap!), so thinking of her being upset like that really upsets me. Also I feel like they kept her up just so they could see her awake for longer (they always complain when she is asleep), which is selfish I feel like, & not considerate to what LO needs. Plus I feel like not putting her down when I asked is kind of disrespectful to me too. Ugh, the more I write this all out the more mad I get.

The problem with all this is, starting a week from now when I go back to work, they will have LO one whole day a week. And while I really appreciate them doing this, & the fact that LO will be with family, it really upsets me feeling like I can't really trust that they will follow our schedule & do what I need them to do with her. It's just really frustrating. And I wish I was one of those people who could just be laid back & all like "here, take my baby, do what you want" but I just can't change how I feel. I wrote out some long instructions about LO hoping to give them all the details they need for when they start watching her, & I left that with them today after I picked her up. I go back to see them on Monday & hopefully we'll have a good conversation about what I wrote, & hopefully they'll be responsive to following it once they have more details, I guess I'm just anxious & frustrated. Thanks for letting me vent, I needed to get that out. Anyone with similar difficulties please I'd love to hear your stories!

amberpro · February 2014

Unfortunately, no one will ever care for your baby like you do. Your mom will be the closest because she raised you, so you all probably have a similar view of child rearing.

It was difficult for me to leave DS1 with MIL at first. She didn't really follow my routine...including things like bedtime. Now, with both sets of grandparents, DS1 requires a little behavioral retraining after an extended visit.

But I got to the point where whenever I leave my babies with anyone, I ask myself "Do I fear for their safety?" Because, honestly, that's what really matters. Especially when it comes to grandparents. If I don't, then it is what it is.

I will also mention that as a child gets older, little feelings come into play with new situations, but at this stage and with a grandparent...I'd let it go. As hard as it is.

BootsOrHearts · February 2014

If they are doing it out of the kindness of their hearts there's not much you can do except tactfully remind them. If they are being paid then I think it's legit to give them detailed and specific instructions or simply find someone else who will do things the way you want.

notkateanymore · February 2014

BootsOrHearts said:

If they are doing it out of the kindness of their hearts there's not much you can do except tactfully remind them. If they are being paid then I think it's legit to give them detailed and specific instructions or simply find someone else who will do things the way you want.

This, but even if you're paying them, you really need to think about if it's worth it or not to make a big deal about it. Perhaps you would be better served by putting DC into a daycare type situation where people will follow your instructions to a T.

iranwithscissors · February 2014

You definitely need to let it go. There are things in life that are worth getting upset about and this is not one of them. She'll be fine with her grandparents.

August & After · February 2014

Perhaps once they care for her for a full day, they will realize the benefit of sticking to the routine versus having a screaming baby on their hands.

My in laws are the same way, they have come to visit us twice and have stayed for about 4-5 hrs each time. Poor kid has been kept awake the entire time each time, and then when they leave, all hell breaks loose when we finally are able to try to get him down for a nap.

We are going to visit them for a couple days in March and they will quickly learn that a routine of sleep/eat/play at normal intervals is beneficial. If they don't catch on quickly, they will when they are kept up for hours at night. Finally their super thin walls at their house have their benefits.

Mrbatesisinnocent · February 2014

Seriously you need to let this go. They didn't break your baby, the just did things differently than you. Sure, routine is good, but having a baby that adapts to change is good too.

lifesaverz · February 2014

you guys are right, this is all good advice. And like I said, I wish I didn't feel this way about the situation. I just talked to DH & I thought he'd be mad that I was frustrated (since he doesn't want me to favor my family over his of course), but even he said that his parents keeping her routine (as far as naptimes & feedings) will be important for both of our sanity since we both work full-time & she tends to get really upset when her schedule is thrown off. That was kind of a relief to hear him say that. And like a PP mentioned, he also said that maybe once they have to deal with her being fussy from keeping her up too long that they will change their mind about doing that, haha.

Although my MIL is not detail oriented, I don't think she would try to upset me intentionally, so I'm going to talk with her about why the schedule is important for us & see what happens. I want to give them a fair chance to watch her & figure it out, & I guess if it still goes badly we may consider paying the nanny we have on the other days to watch her that day as well, but I'm hoping it won't come to that. I do really want her to have a relationship with her grandparents, I just don't want to have to sacrifice LO's sanity, or ours, in order to do that. I'm hoping it goes well.

ETA: not the right words

RockiesNugget · February 2014

Sounds like you have a good plan in discussing this with them and DH is understanding. I think when they will be watching LO consistently they should be more considerate of they plan you laid out verses just a couple hour babysit.

DH's parent will be watching our LO for the first few weeks after I return to work and maybe twice a month as well once LO starts daycare. I know that things will not be done to my standards on everything, but on the important things DH has actually explained the importance to them himself.

KFiori1 · February 2014

Agreed with PP. Let it go. In my opinion, if someone is watching your kid as a favor, you don't complain about what they do or how they do it. You are lucky to have in laws that want to watch LO. You can't be picky with how they do it. Unless your LO isn't safe, obviously.

Ktrue85 · February 2014

I'm just impressed that a less than two hour visit changed your baby's schedule... I blink, and four hours go by that I can't even really remember what I did. Couldn't imagine having things down to a T like that.

lifesaverz · February 2014

Ktrue85 said:
I'm just impressed that a less than two hour visit changed your baby's schedule... I blink, and four hours go by that I can't even really remember what I did. Couldn't imagine having things down to a T like that.

TBH it's not even something I tried really hard to have, it's just a routine that LO & I figured out together. She does eat/awake/sleep every 2 1/2 hrs during the day, & the only issue with what they did is they kept her up way past her normal sleepy window, causing her to be upset, which is what bothered me most, & also pushing everything else back for the rest of the day, making bed time later. That part was no big deal yesterday but will be when I go back to work.

lifesaverz · February 2014

I know not all babies are like that, my LO just seems to love routine, so I want to do what works for her.

notkateanymore · February 2014

You have to remember that her routine will change over time on its own at this age. We had a routine for a couple of weeks, it was great and now it's different...so maybe right it down in pencil.

lifesaverz · February 2014

Believe me, I've tried to mess with her routine before and paid for it, lol

notkateanymore · February 2014

Chillpr said:

If you have a computer, i would print and laminate her schedule and place it in the diaper bag. Next time you drop off LO, let them know the schedule is there if they have any questions. I wouldn't worry about it too much. My inlaws just want to see the baby and I know they want to play with him and see all his smiles and giggles like I do, so they may keep him awake a little longer because they don't get to see him as often. Once they start seeing him once a week they'll appreciate the schedule too. Give it time.

Please do not do that...so passive aggressive. If you want to talk to them about it, do it. Do not drop a schedule in there and leave.

lifesaverz · February 2014

KateMW said:
You have to remember that her routine will change over time on its own at this age. We had a routine for a couple of weeks, it was great and now it's different...so maybe right it down in pencil.

This is true too, so I know I need to be ready for that aspect. I'm sure she actually will start staying awake for even longer periods at some point. And as long as LO is happy with it, I'm happy.

HerbanMom · February 2014

I agree with PP, no one other than you will ever truly stick to exactly how you care for her. If this was their first time really having her, I would try to cut them some slack as it might not have just been them. LO may have been thrown off being cared for by someone else, as well as they aren't used to her routine. I know that when the grandparents keep my LO they try really hard to watch the clock and follow his cues but sometimes it doesn't work out, but it doesn't mean they aren't doing a great job and if grandma wants to hold him during his nap because she loves snuggling him and misses him then I'm not going to be angry at her if because of that his nap was shortened and he's a little "off" later that day.

They'll get into their own routine with LO while they keep her for that day, I wouldn't worry too much and just try to relax a little... I know easier said than done.

NurseKMM · February 2014

Not sure if this has been mentioned, I skimed through some of the posts, remember 1.5-2hrs. is not the same as 8hrs. In that time they will have to eat, play, and sleep. They will probably be more receptive to a schedule like you have when they get her for longer.

While it sucked for your DD and family, to have her schedule ruined, remember it was out of love that the grandparents did it. It sounds like they wanted to spend as much time getting her to smile, coo and interact with her as possible in the short time they had her. Plus, grandparents are new to all of this again as well. They forget how to raise an infant, since the last time they did it was several decades ago.

Unfortunately, in the end no ine will ever take care of your child like you do, because they aren't you. I had to be reminded of this by my husband just last night as well, so you aren't alone in your feelings.

camedowncrushing · February 2014

eldunlap said:

Please don't be that mom who refuses to deviate from a schedule. A co-worker was told by her SIL that her nieces could either be in her wedding, or in her wedding photos but not both, because she would not let them skip a nap and mess up routine. Seriously, it's one day, get over it (and I say that to the SIL I just mentioned, and to you). My baby goes to bed at 9:30 every single night. Has for over a month. Last night was almost 1, they come up with their own routine and it is our job to roll with the punches.

Ha ha ha ha. I am that mom! I think it really depends on your child. DD1 (2.5 now) was super super super sleep sensitive. I really think it is one of those things that a lot of people judged me on unless they had been through it themselves. DD1 was never a good sleeper, and if she missed a nap we would have 3-4 days of backlash. So for holidays and things like that if she missed her nap window by more than 30-45 minutes or went to sleep more than 30 minutes past bed time she was a hot mess. She just became overtired so quickly, and it was awful.
She was asked to be in a wedding when she was 22 months, and I should have just said no. Long story short she only napped for 30 minutes so when we got to the church she just cried and cried and I ended up staying outside with her. She wouldn't go for pictures, and no one wanted her there at that point anyways because she was so upset. She cried off and on every time someone came close to her at the reception because she was so overtired. We stayed at the wedding past her bedtime, and the next few days were a mess until she got back on schedule.
I do realize this is not typical, but for us it was hard. No one wants to see their baby upset for a few days because they missed a nap.

To OP I think you should be direct with your in-laws.

synergy_gd · February 2014

I know how you feel. My ILs where here last month. They offered to keep an eye on the baby monitor while I had a nice relaxing bath. Once the water stopped running I realized there was screaming going on. After I'd spent over an hr settling LO in a quiet dark room for his night time sleep, MIL had him out in the lounge, tv blaring, all the lights on, bouncing him round singing to him very loudly. Took two hrs to get him back to sleep.
They live overseas so won't be an issue very often, so I didn't say anything. But I would be worried about leaving him with them. They're a bit doddery too. FIL kept picking him up in the bouncer by the flimsy legs and stumbling round the house with him.

MIL forgot he was on her lap and flung his head towards the floor

lifesaverz · February 2014

synergy_gd said:

I know how you feel. My ILs where here last month. They offered to keep an eye on the baby monitor while I had a nice relaxing bath. Once the water stopped running I realized there was screaming going on. After I'd spent over an hr settling LO in a quiet dark room for his night time sleep, MIL had him out in the lounge, tv blaring, all the lights on, bouncing him round singing to him very loudly. Took two hrs to get him back to sleep. They live overseas so won't be an issue very often, so I didn't say anything. But I would be worried about leaving him with them. They're a bit doddery too. FIL kept picking him up in the bouncer by the flimsy legs and stumbling round the house with him. MIL forgot he was on her lap and flung his head towards the floor

@synergy_gd, wow, sorry, that sounds awful!

Good thing that won't happen very often!

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