Not telling is getting to be so hard...

adoxyinherear · February 2014

All of a sudden I feel like I *need* to tell friends that I am pregnant. I've still got minimal desire to tell family - who are likely to say really assy things if all doesn't go well - but I just want to start sharing this news with my mama friends, who will be a comfort either way. I have my first appt. next week and I'm hopeful the midwife will be willing to check for a heartbeat, or willing to let me come in the week after if she's not (they let me come in at 11 weeks last time around for a listen, and next week I'll be 10).

How many gals are still sitting on their news?

brittneyandadam · February 2014

Yesssss. It's getting so hard to hold it in! My CVS is Monday and it'll take about a week for the results. Even if we get them by next Friday and all is well, we still won't be able to tell anyone b/c my FIL will be out of town! We still have 2 weeks before we can spill the beans!

Smallllmin · February 2014

We're waiting until after the Nuchal on Weds at 12w. It's been so long! I can't wait until we don't have to keep it a secret anymore

adoxyinherear · February 2014

I feel like last time around I could distract myself with planning, even though I knew it was super early, and reading stuff. But this time we have everything already! And if I should be reading anything parenting related it probably ought to be how to manage the mood swings of a crazy toddler.

Tussie Mussie · February 2014

I've had two friends announce this week with early oct due dates, so it seems weird like I'm hiding something. I'm excited to tell, but too scared. I have my first U/S next week, so maybe after that.

TillingBuckle · February 2014

We didnt feel a need to wait! We aren't going to be doing genetic screenings, our midwife told us that they're highly inaccurate and most couples who are in the high risk range end up having perfectly healthy babies. As for worrying about something going wrong in the first trimester, either way this baby is already our baby. It actually bothers me a little bit when people talk about uncertainty in the first trimester, that isn't something to dwell on and new mommies shouldn't be worrying about such things. IMO

purplestarz · February 2014

Meeee. I'm dying. We wanted to wait until my 12 week appointment (March 5), THEN decided we are waiting to have my MIL over for dinner on 3/14 (timing issues are making us wait this long) THEN we can tell the rest of the family, friends, and finally Facebook for everyone else. We were at a party a few days ago and everyone kept asking whe we were going to have kids. I felt like I was going to burst it out but DH would have killed me.

brazendame · February 2014

We've told only immediate family and a couple close friends, all of whom we would want to share a possible loss with. Honestly, our parents are the ones who want to share with extended family and friends and are really struggling to hold it in. Although it can be frustrating, it's also very sweet. My dad is ready to shout it from the rooftops. It will be the first grandchild for both sides.

brittneyandadam · February 2014

TillingBuckle said:
We didnt feel a need to wait! We aren't going to be doing genetic screenings, our midwife told us that they're highly inaccurate and most couples who are in the high risk range end up having perfectly healthy babies. As for worrying about something going wrong in the first trimester, either way this baby is already our baby. It actually bothers me a little bit when people talk about uncertainty in the first trimester, that isn't something to dwell on and new mommies shouldn't be worrying about such things. IMO

This depends on the testing being done. Ie: general screening vs karyotype vs microarray for a specific issue. Also, some of us have been through issues with IF, so worrying has been drilled into our brains. A m/c means more heartbreak and having to tell a bunch of people that you lost your pregnancy would be devastating.

jg1011 · February 2014

We only told my DH's family tonight (I am 12 weeks on Tuesday). We've had about 5 sonos already (I am high risk, so this s a benefit of that I suppose) and all looks great according to doctors.

We will finally tell my family tomorrow. I will then let it out at school when I return from vacation on Monday. My principal is going to freak as I'm due the first week if school. It is getting hard to hide it at work bc my nausea has been terrible and my need to pee every hour is a problem when you are alone in a classroom! I am constantly poking my head out in the hallway asking teachers to cover for me for a few minutes!

We will post on Facebook likely midweek.

FINALLY! So glad my secret will be out!

adoxyinherear · February 2014

TillingBuckle said:

We didnt feel a need to wait! We aren't going to be doing genetic screenings, our midwife told us that they're highly inaccurate and most couples who are in the high risk range end up having perfectly healthy babies. As for worrying about something going wrong in the first trimester, either way this baby is already our baby. It actually bothers me a little bit when people talk about uncertainty in the first trimester, that isn't something to dwell on and new mommies shouldn't be worrying about such things. IMO

I think "new mommies" have heaps of pressure on them already about what they should and shouldn't be worrying about, what they should and shouldn't be doing/eating/etc.. For many women there is a feeling of security in keeping the news to themselves or between very close friends and family, and there isn't anything wrong with that. How we parent is personal... and how we choose to experience pregnancy is personal, too.

As for "this baby is already our baby," not having the desire to tell straightaway does not preclude a failure to bond. Being aware of legitimate risks - and not wanting to have to answer awkward, hurtful questions following an early announcement - seems like common sense to me.

adoxyinherear · February 2014

Tussie Mussie said:

I've had two friends announce this week with early oct due dates, so it seems weird like I'm hiding something. I'm excited to tell, but too scared. I have my first U/S next week, so maybe after that.

It does feel a little like that sometimes! Like I'm holding out on people. Also my gal is named Elinor, too! I love both spellings.

Flowerchica · February 2014

I've let the cat out of the bag - just not on FB because I do not have 200 close friends

I figure if things go bad, i'll need to let people know too - so it makes no difference at this point....

VandyGear03 · February 2014

We finally got an ultrasound last week, so we're ready to tell. My mom lives on the other side of the world, so I mailed her a surprise on Saturday. Once she gets it, I can at least talk to someone! We'll have to wait another week after that to tell my husband's parents when they come visit. It'll be 13 weeks before I can tell anyone else!

TillingBuckle · February 2014

Exactly how I feel, to each t

RusalkaSings said:

TillingBuckle said:

We didnt feel a need to wait! We aren't going to be doing genetic screenings, our midwife told us that they're highly inaccurate and most couples who are in the high risk range end up having perfectly healthy babies. As for worrying about something going wrong in the first trimester, either way this baby is already our baby. It actually bothers me a little bit when people talk about uncertainty in the first trimester, that isn't something to dwell on and new mommies shouldn't be worrying about such things. IMO

I think "new mommies" have heaps of pressure on them already about what they should and shouldn't be worrying about, what they should and shouldn't be doing/eating/etc.. For many women there is a feeling of security in keeping the news to themselves or between very close friends and family, and there isn't anything wrong with that. How we parent is personal... and how we choose to experience pregnancy is personal, too.

As for "this baby is already our baby," not having the desire to tell straightaway does not preclude a failure to bond. Being aware of legitimate risks - and not wanting to have to answer awkward, hurtful questions following an early announcement - seems like common sense to me.

I really wasn't attacking anyone's style. That's why at the end of my post I said, IMO which means in my opinion. In my opinion I would rather celebrate a life and a loss than just ignore the fact it was ever there. To each their own is right and I get my own too. Lol

TillingBuckle · February 2014

Apparently I have to learn how quotes work on this forum.

MMason12 · February 2014

TillingBuckle said:
We didnt feel a need to wait! We aren't going to be doing genetic screenings, our midwife told us that they're highly inaccurate and most couples who are in the high risk range end up having perfectly healthy babies. As for worrying about something going wrong in the first trimester, either way this baby is already our baby. It actually bothers me a little bit when people talk about uncertainty in the first trimester, that isn't something to dwell on and new mommies shouldn't be worrying about such things. IMO

I am mobile so I cannot see if you have a ticker but I am going to assume by the comments you made that have never experienced a loss. There is no way I can imagine someone who has bad a loss saying such idiotic and hatful things. You have zero room to stand there and judge me because I worry not only about what could happen in the 1st, but also the 2nd and 3rd, trimesters.

You are right a baby is baby. However, unless months after you've lost your baby you have ever had people walk up and say, "congratulations, when's the baby due?" And you have to explain you had a misscariage you have zero - and I mean zero - idea of the pain and awkwardness it can cause. I find the fact that you cannot begin to understand why some would worry to be immature and just plain asstwaty of you.

------

To answer the OP post - my parents and sister know, along with our closest set of friends. After that we aren't ready to tell anyone else yet. As much as some people think it is silly to wait, the risks of a miscarriage greatly decrease after 12 weeks. They never fully go away, I am fully aware of that. However, after having a loss in October and having to untell hundreds of people we just are not ready to tell anyone else yet. I hope we are ready after the 12 weeks point but we'll see.

I say whenever you feel comfortable announcing is when you should announce.

AnyMax · February 2014

((((((((((@spooflejones))))))))))

TillingBuckle said:
It actually bothers me a little bit when people talk about uncertainty in the first trimester, that isn't something to dwell on and new mommies shouldn't be worrying about such things. IMO

"New mommies" also shouldn't have to give themselves another injection, insert another suppository, swallow another pill... in the hopes of maybe actually making it out of the first trimester this time.

My fears and uncertainty are well founded. So while I have told those in my tight-knit support system, excuse me for not jumping up and down, exclaiming for all to hear that I am pregnant. Again.

But it sure as hell does not mean I do not love this baby or my babies that I have lost. I still mourn them. I still cry for them. I should be 38 weeks today and I feel more and more destroyed as my peanut's due date approaches, even as I hold my belly tight, praying that we have figured it out this time for this baby.

spoof is right. After they extend their condolences, if they even bother to, they move on and tell you to move on too. And if you do not move on in their timeline, they move on from you.

Ignorance? Naivety? Both? I don't even know the right word for your comments. I wish I could know that innocence again.

whataboutscience · February 2014

This is our first and next time we are waiting longer to tell. My MIL's family got it on FB before they should've even heard about it. (Extended family), causing MIL to flip out. DH called her upset, and she cried all day hiding from me saying we're already not close and I'll probably never let her see the baby. FYI, we currently see her on average once a week. Even though I had done nothing, I called to tell her I was not mad at her, we would like her to spend time with the baby, and gently as I could told her that we would feel closer if I didn't feel like she criticized me so often. I thought it was a good conversation and then she decided not to come to an event I was at last night because she didn't want to stress me out...way to make me feel more uncomfortable. Next time we tell well into second tri because I can't deal with the crazy.

TillingBuckle · February 2014

Wow did I really just get sworn at in a pregnancy forum? What is wrong with some ladies?! So let me get this straight I am not allowed to be offended by people telling me to wait to share my good news in case of a miscarriage?? I don't buy it. Some messages I just read are so self righteous you say to each their own with one breath and then tell me I'm wrong in the same. Check your hormones. Lol

suitern · February 2014

We've told our parents and a few close friends, but no one else. I want to have my NT scan first to make sure all is still ok. When DH gets back at the beginning of April, we will tell the rest of our friends and family. We won't announce on Facebook probably until we know what the sex is.

mrsdanielleM2010 · February 2014

((((((((((@spooflejones))))))))))
It actually bothers me a little bit when people talk about uncertainty in the first trimester, that isn't something to dwell on and new mommies shouldn't be worrying about such things. IMO
"New mommies" also shouldn't have to give themselves another injection, insert another suppository, swallow another pill... in the hopes of maybe actually making it out of the first trimester this time. My fears and uncertainty are well founded. So while I have told those in my tight-knit support system, excuse me for not jumping up and down, exclaiming for all to hear that I am pregnant. Again. But it sure as hell does not mean I do not love this baby or my babies that I have lost. I still mourn them. I still cry for them. I should be 38 weeks today and I feel more and more destroyed as my peanut's due date approaches, even as I hold my belly tight, praying that we have figured it out this time for this baby. spoof is right. After they extend their condolences, if they even bother to, they move on and tell you to move on too. And if you do not move on in their timeline, they move on from you. Ignorance? Naivety? Both? I don't even know the right word for your comments. I wish I could know that innocence again.

Big hugs, @anymax. You said this perfectly. I'll be thinking of you extra these next couple weeks. Due dates are up there as worst days to get through.

TillingBuckle · February 2014

Maybe this needs to be clarified for some of the more "attacky" women reading this post. I am NOT and would NEVER judge someone for waiting to share their pregnancy! I only stated my preference in this matter and the reasons behind my preference. None of you know about my history and guess what?? I have experienced loss before. We aren't all the same, get over it! And don't attack someone for being different. I did not do that.

whataboutscience · February 2014

TillingBuckle said:
Maybe this needs to be clarified for some of the more "attacky" women reading this post. I am NOT and would NEVER judge someone for waiting to share their pregnancy! I only stated my preference in this matter and the reasons behind my preference. None of you know about my history and guess what?? I have experienced loss before. We aren't all the same, get over it! And don't attack someone for being different. I did not do that.

The way that I read it, it did sound like you are offended when other women are worried about risks and want to wait to share their own news. I didn't understand that you were saying other people tell you to wait. That is rude. Still, I see how your post came off as insensitive to those who dealt with loss. Not everyone's family and friends know how to be supportive, even if they mean well.

TillingBuckle · February 2014

I see how it could touch a nerve now for sure! To be completely honest I did not think of it or mean it to be judgemental to anyone. I have been told by a friend, and it was made clear by some of our family that we should "wait before we get too excited" and that just made me feel so worried and awful. I really want everyone to feel happy and excited and not worried, it must be really hard to be worried, and from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry for anyone who might be taking medication and trying so hard for their baby. I really really feel for that woman. Or the woman mourning her loss, I ache with her pain and if anyone doesn't understand the depths of the pain of a MC then they aren't very compassionate and i wouldn't keep them as a friend personally.

TillingBuckle · February 2014

Okay :-) have a good day

chusum · February 2014

I haven't really told people, but I'm sharing as it comes up. We told our parents and siblings after the NT scan. When the bump starts showing I'm sure I'll get questions, but until then I'm fine with the amount of people know vs don't.

TillingBuckle · February 2014

I think there was a lot of interpretation done incorrectly but it's all good.

mrsdanielleM2010 · February 2014

TillingBuckle said:

Okay :-) have a good day

Is this meant to be sincerely kind, or is it meant to be as condescending and dismissive as it reads?

MrsHamon09 · February 2014

AnyMax said:
((((((((((@spooflejones))))))))))

TillingBuckle said:
It actually bothers me a little bit when people talk about uncertainty in the first trimester, that isn't something to dwell on and new mommies shouldn't be worrying about such things. IMO

"New mommies" also shouldn't have to give themselves another injection, insert another suppository, swallow another pill... in the hopes of maybe actually making it out of the first trimester this time.

My fears and uncertainty are well founded. So while I have told those in my tight-knit support system, excuse me for not jumping up and down, exclaiming for all to hear that I am pregnant. Again.

But it sure as hell does not mean I do not love this baby or my babies that I have lost. I still mourn them. I still cry for them. I should be 38 weeks today and I feel more and more destroyed as my peanut's due date approaches, even as I hold my belly tight, praying that we have figured it out this time for this baby.

spoof is right. After they extend their condolences, if they even bother to, they move on and tell you to move on too. And if you do not move on in their timeline, they move on from you.

Ignorance? Naivety? Both? I don't even know the right word for your comments. I wish I could know that innocence again.

((Hugs)) so well put. Today is the day my baby should have been due. I am choosing to wait as I can not bear to have to tell people I am not pregnant anymore again.

Edit: hit post too soon

TillingBuckle · February 2014

To each their own. Unless you're on this board apparently cause it's to each their own, unless their opinion differs from the majority. I didn't post here to argue or to be told that I am ignorant / naive or to be sworn at (can't believe I have to say that) so I'm done talking on this matter. And very sincerely have a good day to everyone cause I'm not holding grudges over something like this, sincerely.
:-D

AnyMax · February 2014

@mrsdanielleM2010 Thank you very much

Everyusernameistaken · February 2014

@TillingBuckle you are so focused on your own feelings that you cannot see that you have hurt others. You don't seem to understand that what people are upset about is not the fact that you are sharing early (to each their own, honestly!) but when you said "In my opinion I would rather celebrate a life and a loss than just ignore the fact it was ever there." This feels like a slap in the face to those of us who have experienced a loss because it implies that if we didn't shout the news to the world, then we IGNORED the fact that we ever carried a life within us, or the potential of a life, only to have it taken away. You say that you empathize with women who have lost babies, can you not understand that your words can be hurtful?

Think about what you say.

Bonnesetter27 · February 2014

TillingBuckle said:

I see how it could touch a nerve now for sure! To be completely honest I did not think of it or mean it to be judgemental to anyone. I have been told by a friend, and it was made clear by some of our family that we should "wait before we get too excited" and that just made me feel so worried and awful. I really want everyone to feel happy and excited and not worried, it must be really hard to be worried, and from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry for anyone who might be taking medication and trying so hard for their baby. I really really feel for that woman. Or the woman mourning her loss, I ache with her pain and if anyone doesn't understand the depths of the pain of a MC then they aren't very compassionate and i wouldn't keep them as a friend personally.

I don't think most woman get a positive pregnancy test and then say but I can't be excited until I get the genetic testing done. And as for loosing friends who don't understand the depths of of pain of a mc, who does understand loss until you've dealt with it. I have lots of dear friends who try but don't get how I think about my lo everyday and wonder what would have been. I don't blame them for not getting it but it does make it harder. Also I didn't want to tell anyone until our NT scan because I didn't want to have to call them and say those awful words again and again, I lost the baby. I don't judge you for telling early but don't judge me because I wanted to protect my heart from public viewing.

mrsdanielleM2010 · February 2014

TillingBuckle said:

Maybe this needs to be clarified for some of the more "attacky" women reading this post. I am NOT and would NEVER judge someone for waiting to share their pregnancy! I only stated my preference in this matter and the reasons behind my preference. None of you know about my history and guess what?? I have experienced loss before. We aren't all the same, get over it! And don't attack someone for being different. I did not do that.

You did. You said it bothers you when other people worry and that women who don't share losses basically care less about their babies than women who share early. Nobody here has a problem with your desire to focus on the positives or share early. You were not "attacked" you were called out. It happens to all of us.

mrsdanielleM2010 · February 2014

MrsHamon09 said:
((Hugs)) so well put. Today is the day my baby should have been due. I am choosing to wait as I can not bear to have to tell people I am not pregnant anymore again. Edit: hit post too soon

Big hugs @mrshamon09. I'm so sorry.

TillingBuckle · February 2014

TillingBuckle said:
It actually bothers me a little bit when people talk about uncertainty in the first trimester, that isn't something to dwell on and new mommies shouldn't be worrying about such things. IMO

Meaning: I find it offensive when people tell ME about the uncertainty of MY early pregnancy.

Obviously this is a touchy subject here and I should have been more specific that I was speaking to my own individual story. I guess I assumed that was obvious. I have also stated that I am sorry I offended anyone and that it wasn't my intention. Really the reaction I am getting is unwarranted. I won't be spending any time on this forum if this is what the community is like! It's a shame.

MMason12 · February 2014

yurizaba said:
((((Spoof))))

I agree. During my first pregnancy my husband was the one pushing for us not to tell many people, (I wanted to tell everybody right away) but we still told a handful of friends and family. I was incredibly naive of the chances of MC and thought it was silly to wait, I also thought the people that knew would be there to support us if anything happened. When the worst happened, very few of that people offered support if any. ( I'm not judging, it's a difficult situation and people don't know always how to react)

Needless to say this time we have told maybe half of the people we told the first time, and although I can't hardly wait for this first trimester to be over so we can share it with the world, my first pregnancy made me very aware of the reality of my chances to bring a baby home and how many people I actually wanted to have involved in knowing what we were going through if the worst would happen again.

The fact that we didn't share it with the world doesn't mean we ignored it, it's a pain that I carry with me every day. This will always be my baby, and he/she made me a better person, more aware and less naive. And I am frankly feeling very grateful that have a husband that had the sense to refrain me to tell the world, as going back and telling people was an added pain to the situation (even the few we had shared the news with)

At the end of the day is your decision, and I hope with all my heart that whatever you decide works for you. And this is not an attack, it's just to make you aware that the comment you made sounded very very harsh, specially for us who we decided not to share our pain with everybody. If you ever had that horrible kind of pain, you would know that it's not something that you can simply "ignore"

I agree with you! Last time I had no problem telling the whole world early. And by early I mean at a little over 6 weeks. At 9.5 weeks we learned we lost our baby 2 weeks earlier - a mmc. I thought, "oh no big deal people know. At least we will have lots of support!". Wrong! In the end, besides our parents not many said much of anything to us. I can't really blame them, as what do you say in that situation? However, the fact that most people just tip-toed around us for weeks afterwards made me extremely uncomfortable.

We are not telling people early this time because I don't want a bunch of people to just tip-toe around me and act strange because they don't know what to say if we have an other loss.

Everyusernameistaken · February 2014

TillingBuckle said:

It actually bothers me a little bit when people talk about uncertainty in the first trimester, that isn't something to dwell on and new mommies shouldn't be worrying about such things. IMO
Meaning: I find it offensive when people tell ME about the uncertainty of MY early pregnancy. Obviously this is a touchy subject here and I should have been more specific that I was speaking to my own individual story. I guess I assumed that was obvious. I have also stated that I am sorry I offended anyone and that it wasn't my intention. Really the reaction I am getting is unwarranted. I won't be spending any time on this forum if this is what the community is like! It's a shame.

Could you direct me to where you said you were sorry? All I saw was you calling people "attacky" and "hormonal."

slowmo · February 2014

This is our first pregnancy, so we're making it up as we go along. My plan was to wait until our 10-week appointment (this Friday!) to tell our parents. We already had a six-week checkup that went well -- saw the little amoeba on the ultrasound and everything. But it was just to early to discern a measurable heartbeat, especially on the office's low-powered ultrasound machine. I figured we'd wait another a month until there was more to see and the odds were looking good. I just didn't want to get my mom's hopes up if something went wrong. About a week later, I caved and told her. It was simply becoming too stressful not to share it with her, especially since I've been so worried about every tiny thing. The stories about losses on this board and the sad experiences of some of my friends/colleagues had really gotten into my head, and I was starting to assume something bad would happen. ANYWAY, I'm really glad I told her as she calmed me down quite a bit. My brothers and our inner circle of friends also know now, but we're holding off at least until our next appointment to share more widely.

My latest challenge with holding back the news is at work. I work 12-hr overnight shifts as a nurse, and, needless to say, pregnancy has made a hard job even more challenging. I got a particularly rough assignment last night, and I wanted to cry while taking report (thanks, hormones!). I'm not looking to treat my pregnancy as an excuse for lighter assignments (unless necessary, obvi), but I wish people knew what was going on so they would understand why I haven't been on my A game lately. I actually wouldn't mind sharing with my co-workers, but I need to tell my boss first. This is my first job out of nursing school and I've only been at it nine months, so I'm anxious about what her response will be. Like I don't have enough to worry about!

BethanyAnn27 · February 2014

Not telling is getting to be so hard! We were expecting to hear the heart beat at our 8 week appointment, then tell my parents, but apparently my office won't attempt to hear a heart beat until 12 weeks (then no US until week 20). We live 3 hours away from both of our families, and wanted to at least tell our parents in person. We were trying to come up with a really cute reveal since this will be the first grandchild on both sides, and ended up ordering signs off Etsy that say "The best Parents get promoted to Grandparents".

So...long story short, we went home this past weekend for BIL's birthday. At our first appointment the midwife said everything looked good, but aside from blood work and a pelvic exam, no testing was done. Spending some time with my parents, my mom mentioned that my best friend's cousin is expecting her first baby September 16th (10 days before my EDD and my best friend's birthday). I panicked (thinking that our due dates are only 10 days apart and friend's cousin's have already gone public and my own parents didn't even know about me yet!) and totally spilled the beans. No cute signs, no fun reveal. Just me blurting out "Well K---- isn't the only one due in September!".

So my parent's are the only one's who know. We were planning on telling them first anyway, just hopefully a little more organized. Having at least them know has made it a bit easier, now we are definitely going to wait until we hear the heart beat until we spill to anyone else. At least the in-laws will have a cuter reveal because it will be more planned and organized, but I am really glad my parents know. They are the only one's I would want there if anything went wrong, so we are glad we have managed to keep it quiet otherwise!

Want a personalized experience?

Not telling is getting to be so hard...

Re: Not telling is getting to be so hard...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards