New onset separation anxiety

awinning · February 2014

Hi all!

I have a question about separation anxiety. LO has always been a daddy's boy and used to cry when he would leave. About 3 weeks ago he got very upset about leaving BMs home. When we asked him, he said he wanted to play with his kitchen. BM just got a play kitchen for him roughly around the time that this happened. We figured the novelty of the play kitchen would wear off but every pick up for the last 3 weeks has gone this way. He gets very upset/cries/asks to stay with his mom. She doesn't encourage him to go with his dad, she just says I'm sorry and says she'll see him on Tuesday (her day to pickup). LO has also been saying randomly that he wants to see him mom, which is new. Tonight while he was skyping with BM he said, "Mommy can you come pick me up?" She said, I wish I could. I'm sorry. I will pick you up Tuesday. It's really starting to get to SO and he's starting to feel like LO doesn't love him as much anymore.

There are some other issues that we believe may be contributing to this and we are addressing those. My main question is have you dealt with new onset separation anxiety? What were your solutions? How do I help reassure SO that this isn't his fault?

Thanks!

Mkherren12 · February 2014

My daughter went through this. It was just a phase for her. It would bother me that she would ask to see her dad(who never gets her). I would just tell her something like she will see him soon. After about a month or two she stopped. Well apparently she was askin for me when she was at her dads during this same time. It made him so mad one time he called me and told me to meet him that if she wanted me so bad she could just go home.

I think this is normal for kids. Just try to keep your LO distracted and when they ask tell them something to ease their worry. This too will pass. Stay strong.

+just+j+ · February 2014

This is normal. His mother, I think she is actually doing the right thing. The more fuss you all make, the worse it will get. Acknowledge it and then distract with something healthy. It could be talking about playing with something he loves when you get to your home, or show him something you see that might be interesting. It could be giving him something that comforts him like a blanket or stuffed animal. Sometimes...it just means letting him cry for a little while. I believe in letting a child express their emotions and have a little time to get it out as long as it's not obviously stressful. My daughter is going thru an off again on again phase where she doesn't want to talk to her dad or me when she is with the other parent. You can not take it personally. If you get emotional about it, he is going to emulate that. Your SO needs to not take it personally. It's a normal process, especially when parents are no longer together. Engage him in something distracting and move on.

awinning · February 2014

Thanks for the feedback. The biggest problem we've noticed when he is skyping he gets visibly upset. I'm not sure I agree with her method of comforting him. She doesn't foster a positive relationship between LO and my SO. She simply says, I wish I could, I'm so sorry. Like she wishes LO wasn't here. As she feeds into it he gets more and more upset. It seems to me that the best response would be I miss you but your with daddy now and I will see you on the day of pick up. It doesn't feed into him getting upset, just confirms that she misses him, where he's at and when she'll see him.

ambrvan · February 2014

I think her response is acceptable. It is still a diffusing answer, not an energetic one. It's not like you can give her a script abd dictate she stick to it.

A bad way to handle it would be her telling LO to ask Daddy if she can pick him up early or implying/telling LO that she will be.

And this is just as much a phase in blended families as well as those where the parents are together. My DS goes through phases of wanting one of us more than the other. Crying or having a melt down when one of us leaves for work our the store, telling one of us that he doesn't like us and only wants the other parent. Yeah, it always hurts my feelings, but eventually he moves on. Though it has taken months sometimes.

Ignore the behavior. And encourage your SO.

MommyEllenSue · February 2014

I agree with it's just a normal kid phase. Kids just go through these phases whether their parents are together or seperated. I do however think BM is making it worse and helping to feed it. A better thing for her to say is something like....I miss you too but I will see you on Tuesday and you are having so much fun with your Daddy and awinning....then she needs to redirect him or ya'll end the Skype and re direct. In my opinion getting him that visually upset does nobody any good. Except maybe makes BM feel good. Do you have to Skype? Maybe a regular phone call would be better.

awinning · February 2014

MommyEllen- I think that SO is going to try to end the skype conversations and switch to regular phone calls. The CO states speaking to him via phone one time a day is what is expected. Today we had planned a day at our local aquarium but the line to get in was two hours long. So we went to toys r us and picked out a new toy. He was too distracted to even want to skype with her and she got upset that he didn't want to speak to her. She sent SO a message and stated that she felt it was disrespectful to her to allow him to have the toy while talking. The problem is, if we would have taken the toy away, he would have refused to talk, it would have been a time out for probably kicking/hitting the iPad and then trying to call her back he still would have been upset and refused to talk to her. He literally just wasn't in the mood tonight.

awinning · February 2014

Sorry for the duplicate comment. No idea what happened.

MommyEllenSue · February 2014

How old is your SS? I would totally end the Skype since it's not co and causing so much distress. Sounds like y'all got this figured out and are handling the situation well.

carebear939 · February 2014

My SD went through this around age 3. She would cry uncontrollably when DH would go to pick her up. He would literally have to carry her out of her mom's house crying. She would calm down after she was with us and be fine, but phone conversations would upset her too. Just keep doing what you are doing and he will eventually get better at the separation. I don't know how old your SS is but if he i younger than 5 he really has no idea about time. So "see you on Tuesday" means nothing to except that mom isn't with him now. We used a paper chain when DH had to leave for work and it was a nice visual about how long daddy would be gone. Something like that might help ease the anxiety SS is feeling.

CurlieWhirlie · February 2014

To repeat what all the other PPs have said — totally normal kid behavior. Even when not dealing with parents who are separated! And yes, it hurts our feelings Every. Time.

It may be made harder for your SO by the fact that he doesn't have a good relationship with BM, so they can't band together and commiserate. I know that always helps me — when DS says "I wish I could live at Dad's house all the time, he *never* gets mad at me!" I will share that with my ex the next time we talk, and he'll laugh and say "oh yeah, well get what he said to *me* the other day!" and that always makes me feel better. Like we're in this together, and everyone is ok.

Trust the wisdom of everyone's experience here — it really is a normal phase for kids to go through, and letting him express his feelings without making a big deal out of it is the right thing.

nattyncbride · February 2014

Agreeing /w PPs. DS just turned 4 (today) and the last year. Around when he turned 3, he was been devastated to not be with his dad, and let me know how much he missed his dad or wished his dad was picking him up on my days. Not my fave, but I (pretended to) rolled with it and told him how much his dad loved him and would see him soon. However, the last few months, I am his new favorite, and it doesn't feel that great either b/c I know he's giving his dad grief about not seeing me. I don't think anything is going on better at one place or another - I concur that it's just a phase. Agree the reaction of letting him feel what he wants to feel but not making it a bigger deal is the most healthy route. Hang in there!

awinning · February 2014

LO turned 3 in September, so it does seem like it's right on track. We typically just ask him why he'd like to go to his mom's and he says he wants to play with his play kitchen. We got a play kitchen for him at his dad's this weekend and he just loves it! It's fun to see his little imagination work. But prior to that we would say his mom misses him and he would see her soon and then redirect to another toy. He's got a play tool bench that he likes too so that was what we were redirecting to. Overall he seems to be doing much better the last two evenings but we will see how the next pick up goes!

Thank you all so much for reassuring me. It's been so helpful to both SO and myself, as we it had come out of left field and we thought maybe the difference in homes was causing the anxiety. It appears that this is just normal and all will work itself out.

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