Attachment Plan

davidandheather · February 2014

I have been reading a lot on attachment now and keep thinking of things I would have done differently the first three months of placement, and some things I will integrate now anyway...never too late I hope. Do you have an attachment plan? Do you mind sharing it?

MileHighMaam · February 2014

Do you mind sharing what you would have done differently?

bumpuser794640 · February 2014

Our plan was(is) we are the only ones to feed, change, bathe or soothe for the first six weeks. So far, so good!

lorifromwi · February 2014

@GnomeSweetGnome how did you determine six weeks?

bumpuser794640 · February 2014

lorifromwi said:
@GnomeSweetGnome how did you determine six weeks?

This was the recommendation from our agency. We will reevaluate at that point to see if we should keep it up.

CaptainSerious · February 2014

My boys were older when they came to us, so we couldn't isolate for the entire period of attachment. Add to that, M had heart surgery within 2 weeks of coming home, so things were all screwed right from the beginning. Better late than never has never been more appropriate than in discussing attachment with children. Especially since the first several weeks are the honeymoon period anyway.

For us, we made sure that we were the only ones to tend to the boy's emotional and physical needs. This was also more difficult because M went right to school about a month after being home. Other than school, though, either my husband or I was always around for the first 6 months--no daycare or babysitting. The only exception to this was J's time in the babysitting room at the gym (while I worked out) or at Gymboree (because he needed the tumbling/strengthening/English exposure and missed being around other kids); otherwise, the boys were always with us.

After the first six months, we started easing up on this rule. To be honest, J's time with our nanny, even after six months, hampered his attachment to us. He was 6 and never formed a real attachment, so having M and the nanny helped him aviod attaching to us. He didn't really start allowing himself to get closer to us until I quit my job last Spring, to be home more with them.

It too M 18 months to fully attach to us. He started his process right around 6 months (after 5 months home). J's been home since March 2012 and just really started attaching to us about a month ago. I wouldn't doubt if it takes him another six months or so to be fully attached.

maryoosa · February 2014

We currently have an almost 7 month old---and we didn't do anything specific to foster attachment and all seems well.

davidandheather · February 2014

We had a 2 year old and a 3 year old placed in our home just before Thanksgiving. It was hard to keep things simple as we rushed right into Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, DH's back surgery, death in my family and subsequent road trip. So there was not a lot I could have done differently under the circumstances. But I do think I would have focused more on keeping them in more, like you would a newborn, not putting so many activities on the calendar so soon. DH had them at Chucky Cheese their second night here. I told him it was a terrible idea. He was so excited to have kids. The next weekend he listed 5 things on Sunday he wanted to do with them. I got firm and told him to pick two. He is just now getting it now. The kids are little, over stimulated and tired. They need rest. They need routine. They need nurture and structure. They don't need a busy activity every day. Also take them with you everywhere you go, even into the next room. Only apart at night while you sleep. Out little girl would just panic in utter terror if I just went into another room. Who knows what she went through before coming here. If she is afraid, just let her stick by your side those first few months. Avoid daycare if possible those first 90 days. For us, our now 4 year old goes to church on Sunday just fine by herself. The 2 year old has tremendous separation anxiety but lucky for him I teach the 2 year olds on Sunday so he is almost never apart from me. However, on Wednesday night I have training for 2 hours so they do go to the church program by themselves without me that night. I had them in two day a week daycare only because my service plan asked me to put them in a program. It set us way back on the attachment. I took them out and things are going so much better. I think its important to drop some activities, just relax a little, stay home, focus on the kids. So limit number of caregivers right away. Be mindful of the emotional cues they give. You can tell anxiety by pupil dilation, heavy breathing, heart pounding even though they may not voice it. Help them to relax. Lower the volume on the TV, don't put out too many toys or bright colors. Just really focus on keeping them calm and creating a calm and restful environment. Not to stay not to encourage exercise and play. They need to go outside, the park, etc. But they don't need the 5 things a day every day that their dad wants to do. They are still babies and really tired. They are processing so much in their little brains. I am brainstorming all my ideas right now and will write more, maybe a blog, once I get some quiet time! I don't think it is too late to make some changes and have already noticed so much improvement with the few changes I've made since reading up on attachment. I think every situation is different and we know when we get them what is best. The most important thing is to be committed, devoted, willing to invest the time and energy to stop and be mindful, be available, be sensitive to what they just can't tell you but so badly want to. Nurture, structure, rest, calm. I think those are the goals I'd focus on a lot more the first few months. We're getting there. It's month 3 now though.

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