12 Things You Should Never Sayto a Pregnant Person

rcm201408 · February 2014

I thought you'd all find this funny

It gave me a good laugh

When dealing with the utmost in hormonal women, choose your words very carefully…

1. "Oooh, you're getting BIG." (In a terrible singsongy voice.)
You're probably just referring to my belly, which really is getting big. There's a baby in there, and she might become the president or marry Prince George or be a ballerina, or all three, and it's wonderful! But pregnant people already feel large, because they're actually two people. So as a golden rule, just avoid the word "big" and let the words "tiny" and "Gisele" flow freely.

2. "So… how much have you gained?"
Some people actually think a fun conversation topic would be disclosing how much weight you've gained. In what world?! I fully understand that a healthy pregnancy means gaining weight. But that doesn't mean I am excited about disclosing the precise numerical value of my all-time high number on the scale like some sort of reverse Biggest Loser finale.

3. [Leaving an emoji whale as a comment on one of my Instagrams.]
My brother did this recently, as a joke. Although I actually found it hilarious, as the whale emoji is underused, I still wouldn't advise it, generally speaking.

4. "Is that for YOU?" (While gazing at my beer.)
Yes, hostess at brunch, this apple-flavored craft beer is for me. It's one of the occasional beers I feel completely comfortable drinking, thanks to my doctor and various studies… and the fact that my grandmother drank occasional beers while pregnant with seven different children and they're all totally fine. Based on your condescending stare, you'd think I was Betty Draper resting a martini on my belly and smoking a cigarette. I'm saving that for post-birth, y'all!

5. "I really hope you're being careful."
So said a condescending fellow rider after spin class. Then, through gritted teeth, added, "because I had some complications." As much as I value advice from perfect strangers about my health — oh wait, I don't care at all about advice from perfect strangers about my health. I'm spinning with the support of my doctor —the same way runners continue to run and yogis namaste onward while pregnant. So just let us big bitches be.

6. "You look ready."
This is the pregnancy equivalent of telling someone they look "tired," which is the equivalent of telling someone they have gray skin and dark circles, and generally look like shit.

7. "Just (sleep/go to dinner/go to the movies/go on vacation) NOW while you still have the chance!"
I know people are just trying to be helpful and encourage me to really enjoy the freedom of not having a baby yet. But it's still annoying to imply that my husband and I will NEVER sleep/go to dinner/go to the movies or go on vacation EVER AGAIN IN OUR LIVES. I know I'll love my baby big time, but I also know that I will have no problem leaving her at her grandma's for the weekend sometimes while we sleep/go to dinner/go to the movies/go on vacation.

8. "So… was it planned?"
This is almost as bad as asking someone if they had been "trying." Especially coming from old people, these are awkward veiled questions about a pregnant person's private sex and birth control habits. Which is to say: Ew. Just because someone is with child does not make these queries suddenly comfortable.

9. "If cavewomen gave birth without drugs, so can you."
This gem came courtesy of a lovely birthing class teacher who held up a droopy ski hat to illustrate what the uterus looks like. Anyway, I am aware that women have been giving birth — without epidurals — since time immemorial. But the same women also walked around with untreated broken legs and toothaches and died at age 35 because modern medicine didn't exist. Now that it does, I plan to take full advantage! I have great, non-cavewoman friends who gave birth naturally and that's awesome for them — but it's a personal choice and we shouldn't tell each other what to do with our droopy hats.

10. "You should really breastfeed — for a full year."
Breast-is-best-shaming is at an all-time high right now. Not long ago, a person who I previously didn't know was dumb said that she read that feeding a baby formula is like giving him or her a cigarette. I haven't looked it up, but that that can't be true, because I was formula-fed and grew up to work at Cosmo. A woman's decision to breastfeed or formula feed — whether for a full year or not — is hers alone. Pregnant ladies are creating a new human life — we probably don't need any added pressure about what to do after that.

11. "So you're going back to work full time, huh? Couldn't you go back part-time or something?"
Suggesting to a pregnant person that going back to work full-time means she already sucks as a mom, before she is even a mom, is a low blow. I guess technically I could "go to part-time or something" — if that's what I wanted to do. But what I want to do is go back full-time… so that's what I'm doing. But I will probably cry the first week I drop my baby off at daycare, if that makes you feel any better!

12. The word "pop."
"OMG you popped over vacation." "I can't wait for you to pop." "Welp, you finally popped!" Thinking of one's body as "popping" just reminds me of Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka inflating to become a human blueberry before… popping. Again, even if it's a lie, err on the safe side and just stick to: "You look tiny."

allygirl520 · February 2014

#1 Happened to me this morning. It did indeed make me side-eye the old woman.

bumpuser10199668 · February 2014

Lurking from S14, but I must say....add "Oh, you ARE showing!!!!" to the list. Thanks SIL, but no I'm actually still just fat, fuck you very much.

shutaff · February 2014

#9! My husband and I went to lunch with a couple last weekend who recently had a baby, and she mentioned that she did not get an epidural. While she was very non-judgey when I said I would probably get one, he actually told us he was "about to get on his soapbox for a minute" then went on and on about how epidurals are unnecessary because women have been having babies for centuries without them, as well as how an epidural would cause the baby to not bond with me after delivery. My husband and I were both a little annoyed.

Lawgrl04 · February 2014

@shutaff, I would have been a LOT annoyed. Especially coming from the guy. Shut your pie hole!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't bond with my 29 week preemie immediately because I was sick; couldn't even hold him for 5 days after he was born. And we bonded just fine, thank you very much. What a crock!

jendem8 · February 2014

When one of my principals announced my pregnancy at a meeting, I had a guy I didn't know (he was a photographer for a paper) ask me if I had planned an August baby - in front of all 3 of my bosses (principals) and several colleagues. I had no idea what to say, and it was sooo uncomfortable!

BlckRoses · February 2014

I had a coworker ask if we were trying. I don't understand what the point of the question is. If I wasn't trying would you judge me for not knowing how to use birth control? Just because we have a girl who works here who is VERY vocal about her TTC journey, doesn't mean all of us are announcing it to the world. I actually feel weirder about the fact that I know that this random employee of mine is having struggles with infertility and is looking into adoption.

Jules_Shamblin · February 2014

#7 and its many variations drives me crazy! I hate how other parents have taken it upon themselves to constantly tell me how hard everything will be and how much things will change. Like we thought everything was going to stay the same or something.

Last week for Valentine's Day I posted on FB about being excited about our reservations at a nice steak and seafood place. My SIL immediately commented that going out to dinner was too expensive with a family and that I'd better start learning to cook meals at home since we have twins on the way.

WTF? First of all, our personal finances are our business, not hers. Also, the twins aren't here yet and for the record, I love cooking at home but it was Valentine's Day for crying out loud!

Ugh... sorry for the rant!

marathonmommy82 · February 2014

Are you SURE it's not twins?

Yup. sure.

bernoulli20 · February 2014

#4....what is this...apple flavoured beer? it sounds magical.

haliebabyx3 · February 2014

I am so over hearing "was this planned". Seems to be the only thing people know how to ask me.

Regufsevolem · February 2014

With the last pregnancy, I had one girl say all the time that I was getting big. Its still hard to hear when you are pregnant.

Beedeck · February 2014

Along the lines of "was it planned?", I've heard "Are you happy?" by two co-workers now. What kind of question is that? Why would I not be happy?!

Chicky0727 · February 2014

I had a friend ask me yesterday if we were ready for 3 kids, normally this question wouldn't have bothered me, but I don't really care for her to begin with. I answered, "well it's kinda late for that now isn't it?" then said, "of course we are ready...if we weren't we wouldn't have gotten pregnant." It bugs me when ppl think they know all about us trying to conceive. Nobody actually knew what we doing...because I don't post it up on Facebook like some other friends I know.

shugirl76 · February 2014

The one that drives me nuts is the one that says for me to "sleep while you can." I am aware I won't be sleeping, but I've had friends say, "you won't sleep for five years." Quite frankly, I just want to tell them that I'm sorry that they are sleep deprived and had such a bad experience, but these negative comments only make me anxious and don't serve any purpose as far as me adjusting to parenthood.

marathonmommy82 · February 2014

shugirl76 said:
The one that drives me nuts is the one that says for me to "sleep while you can." I am aware I won't be sleeping, but I've had friends say, "you won't sleep for five years." Quite frankly, I just want to tell them that I'm sorry that they are sleep deprived and had such a bad experience, but these negative comments only make me anxious and don't serve any purpose as far as me adjusting to parenthood.

Ugh annoying . The newborn stage is tough but it's short . My toddler sleeps 12 hours a night and I always get a full nights sleep. Five years? Psshh

BeachM · February 2014

TrishieTerp said:

The one that drives me nuts is the one that says for me to "sleep while you can." I am aware I won't be sleeping, but I've had friends say, "you won't sleep for five years." Quite frankly, I just want to tell them that I'm sorry that they are sleep deprived and had such a bad experience, but these negative comments only make me anxious and don't serve any purpose as far as me adjusting to parenthood.
Ugh annoying . The newborn stage is tough but it's short . My toddler sleeps 12 hours a night and I always get a full nights sleep. Five years? Psshh

LOL piss them off and tell them you plan to sleep train so you don't end up like them. Ditto, DS and I have been getting a full night's sleep for almost 3 years. I refuse to think about the newborn stage again because I might actually die this time. I like sleep, but yes you will sleep again and it will very likely be before age 5!

I prefer to tell people to eat meals in silence while they can.

kraft333 · February 2014

Ok, I've just starting telling friends and coworkers that I'm pregnant and the #1 (like 95%) response is, "Oh yeah, I knew it."

Oh, you did? You, who hasn't seen me in 3 months? And you, who sit next to me at work and spend all day talking about your own bullshit sagas, had time to consider the life of someone else for a change? And all the rest of you ... maybe you did notice my belly growing or the fact that I haven't been drinking (um, for nearly a year now, thanks for noticing THAT) or the that my handbag is full of snacks. But guess what? This isn't about you and what you know.* Excuse me for trying to share my happiness with you for a moment, and for thinking that maybe your response would be something along the lines of, "I'm so happy for you!"

We can go back to talking about you now.

*I know, I'm in for a long road with this bullshit.**

**Thanks for listening.

tamarar5 · February 2014

Ds will be 18 months old when #3 arrives, so hands down the most annoying comment is "was it planned." It gets even worse when people realize - thanks BIL and your giant yap!!!- that this one was conceived the week after our wedding.

I think another category should be added staying, "In-laws. Enough said."

ljraff29 · February 2014

I got a the "Aww you're starting to show" comment at work today. Really?! No way!! It's not like a baby is growing inside me.

NSAbby · February 2014

Bazi45 said:

I have gotten "was this planned" from about three people so far...why is this considered an appropriate question? My new snarky answer is "No! I don't know how it happened...I'm pretty sure this is the immaculate conception!"

I like the "Wait....sex leads to babies? :O " response.

BabyM82714 · February 2014

I seem to get comments from people telling me what i can or cannot do. "You're getting your hair done, oh well hair dye isn't really safe" I've been cleared by my doctor, I'm safe. Thanks. And "you can't get a massage, if that safe?" Yes they have mommy massages for reasons and I've ran it by doctor. "Should you really be going out to a comedy bar pregnant, I mean that's a little unsafe." I'm going to a sit down comedy bar where there is not smoking and I obviously won't be drinking. I'm not going to be in a mosh pit. Why people think they have a right to tell you what's safe for my baby is beyond me. I wouldn't do anything unless cleared by my doctor or I was uncomfortable with. Why yes you can dye you hair, spray tan, go to bars (not drinking), spend money on yourself, gets your nails done, get a massage, and eat crab ragoon. lol at people sometimes.

SaraAnn12 · February 2014

"You don't look pregnant, you just look like you had a really big lunch!!"

Um. Thanks?

MandMLeona · February 2014

I got one tonight I'd forgotten about..."Is it multiples so I can have one?" I know where it's coming from...I'm sorry she can't have her own, but really...what response do you expect?

kraft333 · February 2014

You guys, I was walking up to my house and on the phone when my neighbor and his family pulled up in their car across the street. He gets out of the car and yells, at the top of his voice, "I see something, young lady! I see something there!" I was on a WORK PHONE CALL, and this person is shouting about my belly the the entire neighborhood, in front of his wife and kids.

Time to move.

wandsandwine · February 2014

I've gotten the sleep one a lot. Ok I'll sleep a whole week then I can stay up FOREVER!!! Why has no one thought of that?

Also a popular one: "what if it's twins?" Me: we have had 2 u/s it's not.
Yeah but what if it is? Then I love my 2 children stop being dumb.

MummyEmma · February 2014

I get, "Oh, you don't look that pregnant!" all the time. My bump is only small, but I'm only 15 weeks pregnant; how big do you expect me to be?

Also, about 10. My sister-in-law and her wife had their daughter 2 months ago, and last week I went out to lunch with my SIL's wife, her daughter and the baby, and since we are both Scottish, we were speaking English (I live in Sweden (where we were) and she lives in Norway) and she started feeding the baby with SIL's expressed milk (in a bottle, obviously). This old Swedish lady walked by us and said in a normal voice, in Swedish: "Don't these foreigners know how to look after their children? You're supposed to breastfeed a baby for a full year; does she think her breasts are that size (she has got really big breasts) just for show?" Obviously, this old lady didn't think we spoke Swedish. So, because she is possibly the ballsiest person ever, she said, very loudly, in perfect Swedish: "I think you'll find, Crone, that I can't breastfeed my baby, but I'm feeding her my wife's breast milk."

The look on the old lady's face was a picture. It was hilarious. But yeah, some women just can't breastfeed, or don't want to, for whatever reason. I'm sure they know what the 'guidelines' are, but it's their choice, not yours.

mislogis · February 2014

This is my third. I've had the joy of all those comments. As I sit here with my ounce of wine, and I just had crab cakes for dinner. Oh the horror! Air is free, and so are opinions, sometimes people need to keep them to themselves. Alas. They don't.