I need some perspective.

smg2302 · February 2014

Hi ladies. I need some perspective to help with a friend issue I'm having. This friend and I are very close, bridesmaids at each others wedding, etc. She is currently pregnant, due over the summer. Her best friend, also a friend of mine, texts me about throwing a baby shower. In the text, she says "I'm assuming you'll say yes, but I just wanted to check." In reality, my answer is no. I can't afford to chip in for the costs. I don't have time for planning. I was extremely apologetic in my response, but it's just not doable right now. The pregnant friend told me she researched venues for her shower and the place she wanted, for 50 people, was over $1000. That doesn't even include decorations or a gift. Fast forward a little while, and the original friend is on FB asking for protocol surrounding showers, who throws them? How many people are involved? etc. I feel like she is alluding to my lack of participation. I may be reading way too much into this, but I'm feeling cornered into helping, like if I don't I'm a bad friend. I really want to pamper her, but I'm not sure I can live up to her expectations. I'd rather take that money and buy her something big off of her registry. Thoughts?

blush64 · February 2014

Buy a nice gift you can afford amd go to the shower and celebrate when the time comes. Someone asked you to help and you were honest telling her you could not help. That is ok.

What would not be ok is trying to help host when you can not afford it or feeling bad about not helping. You are not a bad friend.

Edit I do not think your pregnant friend should be researching venues and certainly not if they will cost over $1000. It is better not to be involved with that.

caden1206 · February 2014

I would be honest and say you can't afford it now. Say you would love to contribute what you can.

emmy236 · February 2014

$1000 for a baby shower? Seriously? You're a friend, it's customary for family to throw the big shower. My mother and sister threw mine. It was at my sisters house. My aunts cooked. Friends obviously can throw one too or help but no where does it say you have to spend hundreds of bucks on this chick. Did she throw yours?

smg2302 · February 2014

@emmy236 She did not, but she wanted to. My sister had already offered to throw mine.

Her family doesn't have a lot of money, so she's already assuming they can't throw it for her. So far all of our communication is through our mutual friend. I don't want to be portrayed like the bad guy.

emmy236 · February 2014

You're not the bad guy. If your friend doesn't come from money than she, more than anyone, should understand not having the financial ability throw a big shower. I'd talk to this mutual friend and see if there is a compromise. Maybe have it at a park or someone's house and offer to make some food. Plus wouldn't it be nice to extend the offer to her family to be apart of it? They may not be able to pay for an expensive place but I'm sure they'd love to help decorate or could bring some homemade dishes.

lizziebooper · February 2014

I agree with the others do what you can, don't feel guilty and really $1000 venue I didn't pay that much for my wedding venue.

smg2302 · February 2014

I love all of these ideas. And if it were my shower, I would think it was an amazing gesture. However, this friend has expensive taste, to the point where she wanted to throw her shower for herself to make sure it was the way she wanted it. Even suggesting an alternative plan was shot down.

A new development on FB, essentially passive aggressively complaining that no friends can help.

c-elizabethf · February 2014

A $1000?! That's crazy. I would just talk to her, it she doesn't understand then that's selfish on her part. My mom and mother in law threw mine and my family helped.

emmy236 · February 2014

Well then let her throw it herself. Just show up with gift (perhaps a book on etiquette and manners).

coffeeandbooks · February 2014

I would never expect a friend to throw me a baby shower. I think your friend is being very rude on Facebook and I think she is acting entitled and self-centered.

You did the right thing by saying, no.

I agree with those who say the family usually does this, and if the family can't afford it, I'd be very happy if my close friends took me out to lunch and gave me some presents.

Boo0512 · February 2014

Don't do more than you can afford. Clearly you are not being selfish, if its not in your budget, there's not much you can do!

As pp have said, buy a nice gift, go to the shower. Sorry you are feeling bad about this!

Also, yes, $1000 is ridic.

kmcd23 · February 2014

Wait, it's the pregnant friend commenting on fb? That's awful.

smg2302 · February 2014

kmcd23 said:

Wait, it's the pregnant friend commenting on fb? That's awful.

They both are.

kmcd23 · February 2014

smg2302 said:

kmcd23 said:

Wait, it's the pregnant friend commenting on fb? That's awful.

They both are.

This would make me very glad I said no. But I'm sorry you're getting treated like this by 'friends'.

snowgirl427 · February 2014

I'm sorry you are in this place. In the first place $1000 for a venue is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS! Sounds like your "friend" has her priorities in the wrong place.

My shower was thrown by my mom and two friends. My mom paid for everything but my friends were involved because they asked my mom to be. I told my mom to have it at my home but she decided to have it at a tea room... With about 15 attendees. It was perfect. But it would have been perfect at my house, a friend's house etc because I got to celebrate the most special event with my friends. We got very little off our registry. None of the big items. But most of them are tight financially and you know what - I wouldn't have cared if they didn't bring a thing.

I would confront your friend by private message saying something like "I feel like this is addressed to me. I'm sorry that I'm not in the financial position right now to assist with a big shower. I'd rather use what I can afford to get you something meaningful that will be helpful once LO arrives.

aintnoyuppiemom · February 2014

Your pregnant friend should be happy to have your expertise to turn to and shouldn't want to impose on her friends with a $1000 Venue. I agree with everyone else that that is a bit extreme. Explain to your friend that you are always going to be there for her.

The biggest thing is you are already a parent you cannot be expected to take money away from your own child. Maybe this is a little Cliché but if she is your friend she will understand. I also think the baby shower is more about celebrating with loved ones and people helping you with things you need. Its not about the location. A nice pot luck at the community center (most just need a deposit that they return) or like others have said at a relatives home. I think it is important to sit down with your pregnant friend so she knows what is on your mind and just ignore her other friend, she took on this project so don't stress about her.

good luck

aintnoyuppiemom · February 2014

I agree 100%.

aintnoyuppiemom · February 2014

snowgirl427 said:

I'm sorry you are in this place. In the first place $1000 for a venue is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS! Sounds like your "friend" has her priorities in the wrong place. My shower was thrown by my mom and two friends. My mom paid for everything but my friends were involved because they asked my mom to be. I told my mom to have it at my home but she decided to have it at a tea room... With about 15 attendees. It was perfect. But it would have been perfect at my house, a friend's house etc because I got to celebrate the most special event with my friends. We got very little off our registry. None of the big items. But most of them are tight financially and you know what - I wouldn't have cared if they didn't bring a thing. I would confront your friend by private message saying something like "I feel like this is addressed to me. I'm sorry that I'm not in the financial position right now to assist with a big shower. I'd rather use what I can afford to get you something meaningful that will be helpful once LO arrives.

haha sorry this is what I agree 100% too. Didn't realize that when I clicked reply it didn't highlight snowgirl427 message

smg2302 · February 2014

I can always count on you guys to make me feel better. I clarified the situation with the intermediary friend. Turns out they were fighting with each other and I got caught in the cross fire. Pregnant friend is still wanting the ridic. shower. Other friend and I are taking a stand and not caving. She gets what she gets.

DiFazette · February 2014

I was originally going to suggest offering to host a shower at your home, or at a free location. I know many apartment complexes rent out their clubhouses to residents at no charge. After reading the remainder of this thread... I say screw her. She's ungrateful. And demanding.

Schell2013 · February 2014

I agree just buy a nice gift and be a guest. You shouldn't have to break the bank to put on a ritzy shower. $1000 is a lot for a shower, and a lot to expect anyone to fork out cash for.

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