Breaking a family name tradition -- and my in-laws' hearts :(

ASecretChord · February 2014

Has anyone else experienced family pressure after deciding to break a family naming tradition? Would you allow me a little rant on my situation?

My husband comes from a culture where the grandchildren are always named after the paternal grandparents. (Nearly all of his cousins have the same two names! Boys after grandpa. Girls after grandma.) His parents were expecting us to follow suit, but we're not. I'm afraid I'm the one to blame for that. He would go along with it, but I've been an absolute hellcat over this issue.

I come from the good ol' American tradition of naming your children whatever the hell you want. According to my tradition, parents and in-laws will most likely hate the name you choose, but if they're nice they won't give you a hard time about it.

In my mind, the job of naming a child -- the PRIVILEGE of naming a child -- belongs to the parents and to no one else. I have little respect for any tradition that robs the parents (more specifically, the mother, since naming traditions nearly always come from the man's family) of that right.

The problem with these family naming traditions is that a lot of unfair pressure is put on the parents, and it only increases with each generation. If you break a long-standing tradition, feelings are hurt unnecessarily and offense is taken. And for what? Why does naming our child have to be a reflection on our feelings towards his parents? I actually really like my in-laws and want them in our life. But this drama over our babies' names is a waste of emotion at a time that should be joyous.

Besides that, I just don't like his parents' names. His dad's name is pretty meh, and I flat out hate his mom's name. I refuse to use either for anything more than middle names. I'm not interested in giving them first names to please the in-laws, but calling them something else. That won't satisfy the tradition anyway--the tradition holds that the first name, and the name used by everyone, must be the grandparent's name.

I regret that his parents are offended and embarrassed, but it's wrong to try to make me feel guilty about this.

Feeling offended is such an ugly emotion anyway. Why not save it for those occasions when someone genuinely wants to hurt you? We don't mean any harm, but after everything I have been through and will go through for this child, I should at least have a say in what this person should be called. I think the tradition is unjustifiable.

Anyway, I'd love to hear other stories of how you ditched a family naming tradition, people went nuts at first, but then they got over it. (I have a good feeling that's going to happen with my situation, but there's going to be a lot of tears shed between now and then.)

Wil08 · February 2014

I really couldn't imagine this level of pressure or restriction. My H family has a naming tradition. My husband would have been Stephen IV, but his parents broke the tradition. I'm not sure what I would do if I had pressure to name any future son Stephen. It's not that it's a bad name, but it wouldn't be my choice. His parents moved Stephen to the middle name. If we have a boy I think that is a nice tradition to carry on. It has never been an issue between H and I.

The one part of your situation that I am curious about is what does your H think and feel about this situation? I'm personally not the type to cave to family peer pressure. It is important that you and H are making this decision together.

Is a middle name compromise an option? Or a more modern spin on their names? The idea of all the cousins having the same name just feels very strange.

ShadowsRainFalls · February 2014

Sorry you are struggling with this! When I got engaged to DH, he told me how important it was to his parents that we name our son the family name. I agreed, without thinking of it much. DH's name is George middlename lastname III. Of course we had a son, so we talked to them and negotiated and ended up naming our son Greylan George middlename lastname IV

We use Grey or Greylan for his name, but he still has the full family name. They were not thrilled at first, but love it now. I think we did well respecting their traditions, but also naming our son what we wanted. Growing up, its nbd, bc he will just be known as Greylan lasname...not the full name.

Good luck lady!!

NSAbby · February 2014

Do what you want, and they will get over it eventually.

I've already pissed off my MIL (with how we did our wedding, and me not staying home to become a baby factory), so we have gotten used to snide remarks, and little communication. And shes stopped sharing her wants.

My FIL just tries to stay out of the line of fire.

My dad has told us all the traditions, but isn't holding us to anything.

ASecretChord · February 2014

For my husband, the idea of actually choosing his own children's names is totally foreign to him! He's not totally used to the idea, but he does see my point and is on board with us working together as a team to choose the names. We actually have some names that we both like and would use, but he is has to deal with some guilt about it. He is really upset at how his parents are taking it.

There actually is a variation of his dad's name that would work, but it's such a variation that I don't think people would even recognize it as the same name. There's nothing we can do with the mom's name though. I'm fine with both as middle names, but I'm worried that the compromise will be totally in vain. Something tells me they're already too upset about the first name issue, that they won't really even appreciate the gesture. Maybe since we're already disappointing them, we just go for broke and not use their names altogether. I don't know...

ShadowsRainFalls · February 2014

ASecretChord said:

For my husband, the idea of actually choosing his own children's names is totally foreign to him! He's not totally used to the idea, but he does see my point and is on board with us working together as a team to choose the names. We actually have some names that we both like and would use, but he is has to deal with some guilt about it. He is really upset at how his parents are taking it.

There actually is a variation of his dad's name that would work, but it's such a variation that I don't think people would even recognize it as the same name. There's nothing we can do with the mom's name though. I'm fine with both as middle names, but I'm worried that the compromise will be totally in vain. Something tells me they're already too upset about the first name issue, that they won't really even appreciate the gesture. Maybe since we're already disappointing them, we just go for broke and not use their names altogether. I don't know...

Would it be unreasonable to sit down with them and talk to them about it, and offer what compromises you will, but explain how important it is to you?

Lawgrl04 · February 2014

Sounds like a clash of cultures, and a painful one at that. My parents came from two different cultures (Dad is from Iran, Mom is American). But my Dad's family was pretty open and not rigid about their traditions. Also, almost all of them immigrated to the US in the late '70s. I think if you live in another culture, you need to be open and respectful of that other culture. Just curious, do your inlaws live in the US?

It sounds like they have accepted you as their son's wife; they need to accept that you come from a culture different from theirs, you are the baby's mother, and naming the baby is considered the parents' job in your culture. Why are you the only one who is supposed the respect THEIR culture? It works both ways. Reaching a compromise would be great if everyone would appreciate that, but if they'll be pissed off anyways, you might as well do what you want.

I'm sorry you are in a tough situation

. I can tell you don't want to hurt them. But it sounds like if you give in to them on this point, you're going to resent them for it.

GreenMonkey1 · February 2014

Yes and my parents had to do the same.

My Dad's family is Italian & Polish, first generation. It was expected my sister would be paternal grandma's first name and brother would be paternal grandpa's first name. I'm the second daughter so I should have been maternal grandma's first name. None of us have family names although my brother's middle name is the masculine version of paternal grandma's first name. Grandma and Grandpa were confused/disappointed, but they got over it. Thankfully, my Dad's parents are reasonable and were just happy their only boy (Dad does have two sisters) was carrying on the family name.

Onto DH and I. DH has a legacy name, he is the IVth. It was expected our son would be the Vth. I was not too keen. Love DH's name, but really don't want another in the house & we have had problems with DH and FIL sharing the same name (to the tune of money being deposited into the wrong account by a banker on top of FIL's stuff showing up on our credit report). Plus, I wanted DH and I to choose a son's name. We named DS "new name, legacy name, last name" - family was not too thrilled, but they deal because we did not give them a choice. We did not find our gender and did not share any names. The most griping we get now is that great grandma (who is in her late 90's) calls DS by his first and middle name - ehhh, no biggie.

If your DH is on board with not using the legacy name then your biggest battle is won (I had to massage that conversation to get my DH on board). Has his family been in the US a while and this is a tradition that nobody has changed? It's hard to be the one to break family tradition, but it can be done.

PecanSam · February 2014

I'm completely against naming my child after someone else. I want my child to have their own identity.

Remind the family that the child has their last name.

abirdd9 · February 2014

PecanSam said:

I'm completely against naming my child after someone else. I want my child to have their own identity. Remind the family that the child has their last name.

This 100%.

I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot!

ASecretChord · February 2014

toratoratori said:

...They can fuck right off if they think they have any legitimate say.

LOL! I love it.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate hearing your experiences. I think they'll be fine, but it's hard for them because DH is their only son. So this is it for children being named after them. (To which I say, Boo-friggin-hoo. They're already getting the last name. It's a ridiculous expectation.)

Yeah, they have been in the US for about 40 years, but they are part of a huge community of people from the same culture. I know they're going to be totally embarrassed and interpret this as me disrespecting them. But, at the same time, in his extended family, the first- and second-generation have done plenty of things that have upset and scandalized the older folks. There have been divorces, living with boyfriend situations, non church weddings, and *gasp* one cousin who even came out of the closet! Sigh. This is going to be another example of "you can be sad about it, but wouldn't it be so much easier if you got over it?"

Wil08 · February 2014

ASecretChord said:

For my husband, the idea of actually choosing his own children's names is totally foreign to him! He's not totally used to the idea, but he does see my point and is on board with us working together as a team to choose the names. We actually have some names that we both like and would use, but he is has to deal with some guilt about it. He is really upset at how his parents are taking it.

There actually is a variation of his dad's name that would work, but it's such a variation that I don't think people would even recognize it as the same name. There's nothing we can do with the mom's name though. I'm fine with both as middle names, but I'm worried that the compromise will be totally in vain. Something tells me they're already too upset about the first name issue, that they won't really even appreciate the gesture. Maybe since we're already disappointing them, we just go for broke and not use their names altogether. I don't know...

It's understandable that your husband would feel guilty and the idea being foreign to him. I would keep pushing for what you want and what you feel is best for your child. Hopefully starting this early they will be used to the idea by the time baby is here.

absterboss · February 2014

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Choosing a name is hard already, to add the grandparents and any other family members opinions for that matter make it 10x more difficult. Do what makes you and your H feel best! It only matters that you two are on the same page and like the name!

Allison7 · February 2014

I hate naming traditions. I want to name LO after people, but that is because I want to do so out of respect. I would hate to be in the position that you are in with all of that pressure to name the child a certain name.

I struggle with naming traditions because some names just do not go with the times. I am not looking to have my child teased for a FN or MN (I was teased for my MN and I absolutely HATE my MN) just for the sake of honoring someone. I get that it is your in-laws tradition, but it isn't yours, so they should accept a compromise. When the baby is finally here, I am sure they will be more concerned with being in the child's life and the child being healthy than using their name as a MN over a FN. I hope as your pregnancy continues that they will becoming more accepting.

pmpkn219 · February 2014

Ugh I hate pressure in situations like these! Feelings will be hurt and that sucks since it's obviously not your intention or goal to hurt them!

It sounds like using the grand parent first or middle for your child's middle could be a decent compromise but I'm sure it doesn't satisfy the tradition. Hopefully if you have a good relationship with your ILs they can get over the initial hurt and respect your choice in naming your own baby.

ASecretChord · February 2014

Yup, they're getting their last name. And it's not an easy last name to spell/pronounce/remember either!

Yeah, the good news is that, either way, the tradition ends here. When my hypothetical future son names my hypothetical future granddaughter, I'm keeping out of it. Even if he chooses the most obnoxious and ridiculous name of 2045! I'm just going to smile and say, "oh how nice."

shutaff · February 2014

I don't have a story of going the opposite way but sticking with the tradition. Right after (or maybe even before) we got married, the topic came up and I said I wouldn't mind using the name. My husband is William Rhett IV. He goes by Rhett, his father goes by William, and the grandpa and great grandpa have already passed away but went by Bill. I decided I would do it and just use Will. It's a pretty traditional male name that I don't mind. I didn't have super strong feelings about a boy name before, and I know it's important to them.

But I would never let someone make you feel like you have no other option, especially if you dislike the name. Personally, if I didn't want to use it, I would ask my husband to take the fall and say it was his decision. Unfortunately, they will probably forgive him more easily than they will you.

FloridaLady · February 2014

ASecretChord said:
For my husband, the idea of actually choosing his own children's names is totally foreign to him! He's not totally used to the idea, but he does see my point and is on board with us working together as a team to choose the names. We actually have some names that we both like and would use, but he is has to deal with some guilt about it. He is really upset at how his parents are taking it.

There actually is a variation of his dad's name that would work, but it's such a variation that I don't think people would even recognize it as the same name. There's nothing we can do with the mom's name though. I'm fine with both as middle names, but I'm worried that the compromise will be totally in vain. Something tells me they're already too upset about the first name issue, that they won't really even appreciate the gesture. Maybe since we're already disappointing them, we just go for broke and not use their names altogether. I don't know...

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm a firm believer that the parents are the only two who should even have a say in a child's name. Traditions are great but they're not for everyone.
That being said, could you use the first name with different middle names and call him or her by the middle name? My son's names are both family names (one from DH and one from me) and he goes by his middle name because we didn't like the sound of the two flipped the other way.

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