3rd Trimester
Firefly274
member
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Complicated Birth Announcement Predicament
Firefly274
member
This is long, and my first post, but I could really use some advice since my brain is a bowl of hormonal mashed potatos. So I'm almost 36 weeks and getting together a list of people to contact when baby arrives. I'm basically making it my mom's task to give her something to do while I'm in labor because she will only be in the waiting room and she will probably be a nervous wreck. And this is where it gets interesting.
I don't think I want her to contact my brother with the news. He's a recovering alcoholic, who is now living in a halfway house after his third attempt to get clean. I hear he is making some progress in recovery, but it's just through the grapevine. He does owe me two thousand dollars and ripped our family apart with his addiction antics just a few months ago. At his lowest point, he broke into my apartment and stole money and medication (he knew I was pregnant at the time), I didn't press charges because my mother was having a small breakdown over it and I wasn't sure I could go through with the whole ordeal without the support of my family while pregnant.
I've tried reaching out to him a few times, but he hasn't replied or asked how I'm doing or how I'm feeling or showed any interest in my pregnancy or well being. So I feel offering up this private information gives him the message that he can behave distantly and not take responsibility for his actions and still be included.
My mom opposes my opinion fiercely and has come to his defense whenever the subject comes up. I'm still not sure if I'm a horrible person for making this descision. I just want a few outside opinions to see if my hormones and nerves are making me think irrationally or not.
Thanks for reading, sorry again that it was so long.
I don't think I want her to contact my brother with the news. He's a recovering alcoholic, who is now living in a halfway house after his third attempt to get clean. I hear he is making some progress in recovery, but it's just through the grapevine. He does owe me two thousand dollars and ripped our family apart with his addiction antics just a few months ago. At his lowest point, he broke into my apartment and stole money and medication (he knew I was pregnant at the time), I didn't press charges because my mother was having a small breakdown over it and I wasn't sure I could go through with the whole ordeal without the support of my family while pregnant.
I've tried reaching out to him a few times, but he hasn't replied or asked how I'm doing or how I'm feeling or showed any interest in my pregnancy or well being. So I feel offering up this private information gives him the message that he can behave distantly and not take responsibility for his actions and still be included.
My mom opposes my opinion fiercely and has come to his defense whenever the subject comes up. I'm still not sure if I'm a horrible person for making this descision. I just want a few outside opinions to see if my hormones and nerves are making me think irrationally or not.
Thanks for reading, sorry again that it was so long.
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Re: Complicated Birth Announcement Predicament
I've never had a family member with addiction issues so I can't completely relate to how you feel about what he did to you when he was under the influence. Do what feels right for you since this is your special time
Good luck and enjoy your delivery. Don't stress about him because you can pretty much guarantee he's not stressing about you.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
If you can't trust your brother with the news your house will be empty (past history) WHY tell him now? Yes his is getting better, but does that mean he is better and has made amends for not only his behavior towards you, but all his actions.
I still do not fully trust my sister after her recovery. I do not personally see her recovery, I see her playing the game to get out of rehab, half way, give me money since I can't get a stable job because I'm an addict. A recovered addict is never really recovered, they learn to live with it everyday and acknowledge their short comings and work on it daily.
I would not leave myself, my house, and my newborn vonerable to that situation. My momma bear instinct would come out. Which I think your mom's momma bear instinct for your brother is coming out.
It sounds like you think you will be punishing your brother somehow by not telling him about your LO's birth right away, which seems silly because he will eventually know that you had your baby.
I get that you are angry with him, but I am going to say that I think you need to reach deep down inside of yourself and try to find some compassion. Addiction is a disease, a very frightening and ugly disease.
Please consider getting help yourself (and your mother as well-- maybe Al-Anon?). It might help you better understand why your brother has done the things he has and may aid him in his recovery.
GL.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
If your mom wants to tell him I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds doubtful he will want to reach out to you. And if he does you can tell him you aren't ready.
Honestly I completely disagree with the other response about "finding compassion". Yes addiction is awful, but you need to put yourself and what's best for your family first and sometimes that means cutting ties for awhile.
I have periods where I cut my sister out because it's too stressful for me to constantly deal with her issues and drama. She has the resources to get help, she has family willing to go to the moon and back to help her, she makes decisions to snub that and do whatever she wants. Sometimes there comes a time where you need to let them go and let them do it themselves.