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Working Moms
*sparky*
member
Need advice on how to help DH with stressful job situation
*sparky*
member
DH is a general contractor and he deals with huge commercial projects. Right now the project he is on is worth about $200 million and it is 1.5 - 2 hours from where we live. DH is also a Type A perfectionist, and while that has benefitted him in many ways, it also tends to cause him a great deal of additional stress with his work. He has to deal with so many people/subcontractors that he can never be completely in control and in his line of work things never go perfectly.
I have seen him get physically ill over job stress on a couple of projects, but this time it is getting really bad. And there is a year and a half left. He was diagnosed with diverticulitis this summer and ended up in the hospital for three days. The doctor said that the condition is aggravated by stress, and DH is now having another flare up. He is also waking up regularly at 3 am and is unable to get back to sleep.
He has been with his company since he graduated from college and it is the type of company where you are really looked down upon if you leave, so he feels a tremendous sense of loyalty to them and also feels like if he quits he is a failure. His company also offers a lot in terms of long-term compensation, so if he does quit he is walking away from a lot of money. At the same time, he knows he is really unhappy and does not want to spend his life feeling this way. Right now, because of where his project is, we barely see him during the week, and he hates that he does not get to see us for this job that he hates going to every day.
Also, because this is the only place he has ever worked, and he is feeling like a failure right now, his confidence is really low and he is having a hard time thinking of what he would even do if he were to quit. He also stresses about money and feels like he needs to provide for us, so he is just compounding the stress by letting everything get to him. I work PT now, because of his job, but if he were to quit and do nothing at all, I could do full time and make up at least 80% of his income. So we would be fine.
So anyway, that is the background. I am looking for advice from anyone who has either been there themselves or with their spouse and how did you get through it? I would love it if he would just quit this job, but he has so much of himself tied up in it that I know quitting would be incredibly hard on him as well. He needs to really be ready to do it and I can't push him in that direction. But he knows that I am 100% behind him either way.
Also, for a little more backstory, my friend's DH committed suicide 9 years ago because of job stress combined with depression. Only in his case, he had no support for getting out - everyone was pushing him to just keep going. So that is in the back of my mind as well. I don't think DH is there at this point, and he would quit before he got there, but the fact that he does feel a little stuck makes me worry.
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Re: Need advice on how to help DH with stressful job situation
@LibraryChica - it definitely is excessive. It is part of his personality, but also definitely part of the culture there. People do not leave and if they do, they are pretty much shunned for doing so.
But he has got to do something. He used to have recruiters calling him all the time with other job offers but now that he has been with this company for close to 20 years, I think they have given up on the idea of recruiting him out of there. Everyone knows the culture there, as they are a large employer in the area. But if he placed even one or two calls I think he could have multiple different job leads at much lower stress jobs.
I want him to at least start cashing out on some of his long-term compensation which he keeps deferring, because then at least he doesn't have so much $ tied up in this company. That is just adding to his trapped feeling.
@Virgo17 - that is very good advice. You are right that the fear of the unknown cause him a lot of anxiety so making that leap may cause more stress in the meantime. He does need a better way to cope, but I really don't see him getting professional help unless he has a total breakdown and doesn't have a choice. I will continue to suggest it though.
He was cycling to help deal with the stress, but we have had such a long and cold winter that he has not been able to get out on his bike in months. I am hoping that breaks soon because that is very beneficial to him.
Can you approach it as "for the good of our family, we need you to leave this job"?
It seems to me like a lot of time guys in high stress jobs feel like the money is the best thing they can give to their families, and they need to hear very clearly that their physical/emotional presence is more valuable, and then it feels less like quitting for them to leave.
(I also think your suggestion that he at least start cashing in some deferred compensation is a very good one.... that way if the right opportunity comes along, he's in a position to jump on it).
@Iblamethebeer - we started having that conversation last night, but he is so overwhelmed and stressed right now he needs some time to make that call. But yes, ultimately I would rather have the happy version of him than the money he is earning. I will make sure that is clear to him.
BTW, I am having a baby in about 8 weeks so that is just compounding the provider stress he is feeling right now.
@MommyAtty - I believe you are correct. He will always strive to be a perfectionist in whatever he does, and that spills over into all apects of his life. But I do think that in some jobs you are more in control over your success than in others, and in his current career, there are so many outside factors and other parties involved, that he never feels in control. So it is possible that he could find something better suited to his personality. At the same time, I do agree with you that even if he is flipping burgers he will tend to obsess about how many are coming out perfect, if he is cooking them fast enough, etc.
I will definitely look into your suggestion, because I do think this could help him, and may be something he wants to try before bailing on his job. I am assuming there are therapists that specialize in this and I could call our insurance co or do a web search?
I did see a job at a university that is local and I think it would be right up DH's alley. I was going to show it to him if for no other reason than to make him aware there are other jobs out there. It would have to be less stressful than what he is dealing with now.
DH was getting physically ill over it. It was effecting our marriage. We took a trip and used the time to decide what to do. what kills me is that I am a career coach but it is very hard to coach your spouse.
We started a job search and it took almost a year to find the right place. But just making the decision and doing something about it made all the difference.
Now three years later...DH is thriving. There was a noticeable difference right off that the bat.And while he still works long hours and has stressful times he is a partner in a firm where his contributions are respected and appreciated. They love his ideas and encourage him to share more. Life couldn't be better. We took a small pay cut to start but we are now beyond where we would have been at the old firm. I strongly suggest he move on.
No job is worth jeopardizing your health. We have cut ties with friends from the old firm. But they weren't really friends. and we have new colleagues now that are amazing.
Good luck!
@D&HMom - It sounds like you really understand where I am coming from. It is hard to talk to him about it because he is so invested in his career at this company. He even talks about trying to find a less stressful position within the company, but it would be nice for him to see what life would be like on the outside. I think it would take him a while, as it did for your DH, to see another job as better than what he has now, but I do think we could find a good fit for him. For what he goes through, they really do not pay him nearly enough, but they keep people hanging on with this long-term compensation.
To all of you - thank you for giving me such great advice. I have already talked to DH about some of these points, and he seems open to exploring the possibilities vs. just feeling like he is trapped in a bad situation. I don't ever want him to feel stuck, even if it takes a while to figure out what the right answer is, just knowing that he is working toward something better will help. And I do think he needs some therapy to help him deal with his stress, as some of this is definitely self-imposed and the PP was right that will follow him wherever he goes.
In this situation I would have a discussion with my husband about his goals and values. Those should drive his decisions, not what his coworkers will think. Remind him that it is a BIG world out there. His in just ONE company is a very large sea. And frankly, that sort of work environment, where people thrive on narcissism and demoralization tactics to get people to stick around, does so because they know that they don't have anything else to offer to compete with other companies to keep the good staff. Unfortunately your DH has been in that culture for so long that he has lost his perspective of the world...there IS something better out there and he has nothing to lose (other than his toxic coworkers) by going out to find other opportunities. He has a brilliant resume, 20 years of experience and achievements, that is his ticket to finding another job.
He doesn't shoulder 100% of the burden of financially supporting your family; you two are a team and you can float the family if needed, until he finds something else. He doesn't even have to quit before finding another job if he doesn't want to.
Remind him that his feelings of failure are not rational. He has a loving wife and family. That is a result of being an incredible man and husband. He has 20 years of professional accomplishments. He has 20 years of experience that have developed him in to an incredibly valuable asset to his company. But they don't get to take his health and happiness in exchange for a salary. Not in this day and age. He has paid his dues and proven himself. He deserves something better.