STM Fears

hminer4 · February 2014

Last night DD fell and hit her head on the edge of the stair and ended up with a huge bruise and small cut in the middle of her forehead. I was right there playing with her at the time it happened. DH held her and put an ice pack on her forehead while she cried for about 30 minutes afterwards. Then she fell asleep and i cried for about an hour. I am wondering how the hell am I going to handle 2 when I can't seem to even keep one safe! I know babies fall a lot (and she is definitely not an exception) but it was right when I got home and I felt like I shouldn't been able to catch her.

I am also feeling nervous about how I will manage to spend enough time with DD once baby #2 arrives. Right now I take about 30-45 minutes to give her a bath, get her into her PJs, read a book together, and then rock and sing her to sleep each night. I LOVE this time we get to spend together especially after having a crazy day at the office. I started crying again last night after I put her down thinking that I might not get to enjoy this for much longer.

I am having a much harder time bonding with this baby too. With DD I was really able to enjoy my pregnancy, pamper myself, and take time to envision how wonderful my life was about to become when she finally arrived. This is feeling like a very different pregnancy for me so far; maybe when I start to feel some movement I will feel more connected. I am not an emotional person at all so perhaps I can just blame all this crying and worrying to pregnancy hormones. Sorry for the ramblings. Any other STMs (or more) experiencing these fears or am I just being ridiculous?

AnotherPreggo · February 2014

Hey, in the same boat as you. Haven't felt any movement yet, but am excited about the pregnancy. I definitely get sad to think having another LO will take time away from DD though, and am not sure when that sadness will end. I know once LO2 is old enough to play with DD, she will appreciate being a big sister. I just feel like the beginning will be depressing... probably more so for me than her haha.

Bsmortz · February 2014

I have the same fears. In addition, I don't know if I will be able to love the next child as much as I love my daughter. Crazy, right? I have this really deep connection with my daughter and I'm scared I won't have that with this baby. It helps me to try and involve my 15 month old. I ask her where baby is and she lifts my shirt and kisses it. We have snuggles where we give my belly 'gentle touches' and read it books. I think, as weird as it sounds, that my daughter gets it. I think she somehow understands we are having another one.

Skeemer · February 2014

I'm also nervous about how we will juggle to handle everything. But everything until now with DS2 has been constant adjustment because every stage with him has been different. I am just hoping things fall into place & we find a routine that is comforting to all of us.

My mom said when she was pregnant with my middle brother she wondered how in the world she could possibly love another child as much as she loved my oldest brother. She said it felt impossible to pour that much love out twice. But as soon as my middle brother arrived she said there was not a worry in her heart & she had more love than she could ever imagine. Then she went on to have me.

katnipeverclean · February 2014

Let me just say: you are not alone!

I worry about this too. It took so long for me to bond with DD after she was born and I am scared that this baby will mess up that bond. DD is almost three but she still likes to rock sometimes and asks to snuggle a lot. I worry that I won't have time to devote to her once this baby is born. I remember how overwhelming and all encompassing a new baby is and I get really scared.

Having a plan always makes me feel better though so I plan on doing the following:

As soon as I can drive after the csection I'm going to take a few hours every week or every other week and go on a date with my DD. We might go grab some ice cream, play at the park, get pedicures or just hang at the library. The frequency will depend on what this new baby is like.

We also plan on continuing our once per month zoo outings. The baby will come obviously, but as a newbie will mostly be in a carrier/wrap or stroller so DD will be able to run and play.

For the first little bit they won't have the same bedtime either so we both be able to do both bedtimes most nights and then we will switch off so we each get time with each kid.

I worry a lot too, but I just tell myself I survived a younger brother (who I love to pieces) and while it will be a little confusing at first and there might be jealousy the long term love and benefit will outweigh and short term confusion.

ghostof5letters · February 2014

My daughter will be 3 when this baby is born. I feel constant guilt over having another baby and robbing Pip of our "us" time.

bullybutt · February 2014

Same fears here. I feel guilty about the thought of "forcing" DS to grow up faster than he should. He is going to have to take on the big brother role instead of MY BABY!! He is my everything and I just can't imagine someone else interferring with that we have. I know that I will love them both the same, but right now, it's hard. I love this baby, but I don't have that attachment yet. I also worry about doing it alone. I know that I have my family and "J" will be around, but that's not 24/7 help if I need it. It will definitely be an adjustment, but I'm tough as shit and can handle it...i think

drunkenhandstand · February 2014

I still haven't bonded with my second child….

JUST KIDDING

I remember feeling this exact same way! I could have written those words myself. It's almost magical how your heart expands. When you thought you could never love another as much as your perfect first born. But you do. And time, you somehow find it. I promise. You will still have special time with your first born. And you will have time that is equally divided. Eventually, they will bathe together and you will tuck them in and read a story to them at the same time.

In my particular case, my first and second couldn't be more opposite. I have such unique bonds with each of them. My first born has such a huge tender heart, he loves to snuggle and hang out with mama. My second born is independent and stubborn. He's NOT a snuggler and he's more of a Daddy's boy. They balance each other out. And it also helps to balance our time, love, and attention.

hminer4 · February 2014

Thank you all so much! It definitely makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in having these fears. I also have the "how could I possible love another baby as much as I love DD" fear but like some pps mentioned I hear that one goes away as soon as baby #2 arrives.

@SarahVol1313 I love the idea of having a plan to ensure that DD and I still get some quality time together. I am very lucky that DH is a teacher so he will be home with us for the first month which will be a big help. And I'm actually really excited that DD is getting a sibling since my siblings are pretty much my best friends. I am going to focus on all these positives. Thanks again!

purpleXdandelion · February 2014

I feel the same way! And DH travels alot for work so bedtime/naptime is allllll me. I'm thinking "I can hardly handle DS, how am I gonna stay sane trying to put two kids to bed?!" Or how am I gonna get any rest in the "fourth trimester" with a newborn plus DS running around. I get so stressed and sad thinking about it. Plus DS is such a good kid, I'm worried he's just gonna feel shoved aside. Ah STM worries.

AutumnBonfire · February 2014

I'm worrying a lot about how to handle two. When DS was a newborn, I really did "sleep when the baby sleeps" even if it was during the day. I won't be able to do that now and I'm worried about being too exhausted to have fun with DS. I'm afraid I won't have as much patience. I see myself losing patience now when I have to tell him to stop doing something a thousand times and I don't want this to get worse. I feel bad that we won't have as much fun during the summer now that I'll have a baby. I have a pool and I feel bad that I won't be able to take DS in it during the day after I give birth. I'm worried I won't have the energy to take him places. I plan to really share responsibilities with DH. I'm hoping that my parents or my MIL can come over on weekends so they can spend time in the pool or playing in the yard with DS when DH and I need a break or some rest. Babies are pretty portable too. If this one is anything like DS was, he/she will be attached to my boob all the time. I can manage to do that while sitting on the floor playing with DS, feeding him, or doing the bed time routine. DH will have to do the bath and getting him dressed, but I will still be there.

DS falls down a lot too. He tripped and hit his face on a toy this morning when I was sitting right here watching him. A little while later I realized that he has a small bump on his eyebrow. He got a huge bruise on his face a few weeks ago because he fell over a toy and hit the fireplace. I was looking right at him and couldn't stand up fast enough to stop it. Kids fall down. It happens.

Huahine · February 2014

DS has a purple bruise across his forehead this week from falling into the corner of a cabinet last Friday night, while he was SITTING ON MY LAP on the kitchen floor. Seriously, kids are crazy and resilient.

I actually think having a second is going to do DS a world of good. He is so sweet and loving, but in serious danger of becoming a spoiled brat as the only grandchild on both sides of the family. A little competition for all the toys and attention that currently get rained down on him is going to be great for him in the long run.

*LrCg* · February 2014

First you are not ridiculous! The fact that you're upset by this all means that you are a caring and loving mother and you WILL make this work and you will do great at it! Second, invest in Arnica cream! Soon I will have 4 kids ages 5 and under and I SWEAR by this stuff! Not only does it help with pain but it prevents bruises- I could write paragraphs of when it saved my tush at family picture times!

But to get down to your question- it really will all work out. And yes, I will admit, each pregnancy after my 1st I never got to enjoy them as much as my first. I certainly don't have time to just sit around and feel the little one growing inside like I did with my first but honestly for me, at birth the bond was no different then with any of my babies. Also, as hard as it is to believe this, I've never had multiple kids cry at the same time. They just kinda know that hey crying over my broken crayon isn't as a big deal as my sibling who just fell or is starving, etc. Having little helpers not only makes the older kids feel important but it also creates a bond with their newborn sibling. You will get your special times in (in fact, one on one time is SUPER important). You will get your one-on-one time during naps and at least for us, newborns always went to sleep @ 6pm and when our kids were @ 1 years old they could stay up until 7:30pm (my now 3 & 4 yr old its its 8pm) so we get special time during that time too. Once your newborn is @5-6 months I'm sure you'll feel confident in having them share baths. I know when my now youngest was a newborn, my older kids would take turns who was going to get into the bath with the newborn and help (granted the water was only an 1" deep) and for the other one that didn't get in the bath, I would fill up the sink and they would play in the sink until bath time was done. So needless to say, trust me, it will all work out! The power of mothers is you will figure out solutions that work for your family and everyone will be happy!

snysilver · February 2014

I feel the same as everything you said OP. I look at DS & he is such a sweet happy boy & I just wonder if he's going to feel sad or lonely or confused when he can't have all of the attention anymore. I'm know in my head he will be just fine & probably love his little sibling & be a great big brother & all that, but I still feel so much guilt almost like I am taking something really special away from him.
I also haven't really connected with this pregnancy yet, so there's guilt about that too. We've done basically nothing so far to get ready for a new baby. There's definitely still time, but we haven't come up with anything... no double stroller, no sleeping arrangements, I haven't even cracked open one of the pregnancy books to remind myself what's coming; none of the hundred little things that we had done leading up to DS being born. I tell myself I'm just too busy & tired, but then it's like, what, too tired to care about a new baby? The feelings of inadequacy just pile up...
I just keep reminding myself that during my last pregnancy, I had no idea how easy it really would be to just adjust to having this whole extra person in our little family, and how much love & pride we would feel every day. I know there's going to be a lot of work having 2, but I know in my head (even if I don't quite feel it yet) that both my babies are going to have so much love, and I just tell myself that a year from now I'll look back & smile at how little I really knew.

jcartz · February 2014

All of the above! Will I love her as much, will I compare her to how awesome DD1 is, will I neglect DD1 or not get to spend time alone with her, will I resent either one of them for dumb reasons, will DD1 love her or hate her, how will it affect DD1 in general, will this ruin DH and I....
Oy. I am glad to know these are all normal thoughts & fears but they suck!

mcvgal · February 2014

hminer4 said:

I am having a much harder time bonding with this baby too. With DD I was really able to enjoy my pregnancy, pamper myself, and take time to envision how wonderful my life was about to become when she finally arrived. This is feeling like a very different pregnancy for me so far; maybe when I start to feel some movement I will feel more connected. I am not an emotional person at all so perhaps I can just blame all this crying and worrying to pregnancy hormones. Sorry for the ramblings. Any other STMs (or more) experiencing these fears or am I just being ridiculous? <?xml:namespace prefix = o />

I am feeling this way too. I had tons more energy when pregnant with DS. I read and talked to him all the time. I am totally more emotional this time and crying about any random thing. Although I did have a very memorable moment last night. DH and I pretty much settled on names and when I talked to LO using both names (we are team green) I got some movement.

I think/hope eventually everything will fall into place.

mcvgal · February 2014

@funnibunni80 thanks for sharing your experience

Soon2BMrsN · February 2014

I had many of the same fears when I was pregnant with DS2. But now, when I see my two boys together and marvel at what buddies they are and how they'd already be lost without each other, I know it's all been worth it. I hope you have the same experience!

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