Hello, let me introduce myself first..
For the first 30 years of my life, everything was smooth and worry-free. I was my parents’ most beloved child, found my true love in college, and happily married him after graduation.
At work, I was my boss’s most valued employee. Whenever I was in charge of a project, colleagues would inevitably say, “Oh, then I’m totally at ease.” I was constantly named “Employee of the Year,” with generous bonuses every year.
Later, I started my own business. Within just three months, I had broken into the market and started making money. By the fifth month, I was earning twice my previous salary. Growth was steady month after month. Right when the business needed more hands, I serendipitously met an amazing partner, and the company reached a whole new level.
Really, it seemed like at every step, whatever I needed, a pair of hands would always place it right in front of me, just in time.
My Two Girls: Ellie & Mia
Meet Ellie, My Firstborn
In 2020, my husband and I decided to have a child. After trying for over a year, we finally got the news in 2021 that a little one was on the way. In 2022, we welcomed our first child, Ellie. She made me a mother.
She is utterly adorable—big eyes, rosy skin, chubby little hands. Every time I look at her, I can’t help but give her a kiss. She is pure joy, and I love her more each day.
But as a first-time mom, I faced unprecedented difficulties. The postpartum tearing wouldn’t heal, and the pain was excruciating. Clogged milk ducts made my breasts hard as rocks. The severe sleep deprivation… And what was even more crushing was that, with zero parenting experience, I was clueless when faced with her unexplained wailing, night terrors, refusal to nurse, constipation, diarrhea, fevers… I desperately searched online, longing for one accurate, truly useful answer!
It was during this time that I thought, once I make it through this “dark” path, I must leave a light on for other new moms.
And Then Came Mia
Ellie had just turned one when I got pregnant again. In 2024, we welcomed our second daughter, Mia.
Completely different from Ellie, Mia is a great eater and sleeper. Although she had her fussy moments in the first two months, starting almost from month three, she became super easygoing. She feeds on schedule, gradually sleeps through the night, loves her solid foods, and adapted quickly when I had to stop breastfeeding due to mastitis.
This made me realize just how vastly different babies can be! It made me even more determined to write about my experiences.
Why I Had to Start This Blog
The Catalyst: A Life Pivoted
After Mia was born, my business also began to decline sharply. I had no choice but to close it and become a full-time mom. My work no longer involves Excel and Word, but instead revolves around changing diapers, washing bottles, making baby food, and managing household chores…
This has been a monumental challenge for me. All my past achievements seem irrelevant now. Managing two young children has brought me a sense of frustration I’ve never known before.
The Daily Reality
They are always fighting over things. When one is in my arms, the other immediately demands to be held too. When I try to cook, Ellie wants me to read her a book. When I attempt to load the washing machine, Mia has a diaper blowout, and I must drop everything to change her…
By the time I finish all that, I see the cup of hot coffee on the table has gone cold again. And it’s not until evening that I remember, “Oh my goodness, the clothes are still in the hamper, unwashed!”
Of course, being a mom is filled with happiness, but that doesn’t negate how hard it is.
My Promise to You
Because I’ve walked this path myself, I won’t just tell you how joyful motherhood is, like many websites do. I want to share my real, unfiltered experiences so every new mom can find a “companion” here.
I want to tell you: you are not alone. What you’re going through, I’ve been there too. Your breakdowns, your helplessness, your moments of losing control—I’ve had them all. You don’t need to feel guilty. This is just a small, necessary stretch of the journey for every mom.
My Hope for This Space
I really want to share my parenting experiences—not just the warm, glowing moments, but to honestly document the pitfalls I’ve stumbled into, the tears I’ve shed, and the “survival wisdom” I’ve scraped together in utter exhaustion.
The Goal: A Mom’s Toolkit
I hope this blog becomes a “mom’s toolkit,” filled not with vague theories, but with:
- Practical Tips: Like how to quickly figure out why a baby is crying, tried-and-true methods for dealing with clogged ducts, or how to efficiently manage the daily grind with twins (or two under two) solo.
- Pitfall Avoidance Guides: Sharing the baby products I regret buying the most, and those “game-changer” parenting hacks. Letting you know which parenting anxieties you can let go of, and which principles are worth holding onto.
- A Community for Moms: I hope my stories connect me with more moms like you. We can cheer each other on in the comments, share our own tricks, turning the storms we face alone into a journey we walk together.
The Bigger Vision
My previous career taught me to analyze data, solve problems, and optimize processes. Now, I’m applying all those skills to this new “position” of Mom. I want to prove that a mom’s value is absolutely not confined to the home. The mindset, resilience, and creativity we built in our careers can shine just as brightly—perhaps even brighter—in this more complex, long-term “project” of raising humans, and can even be transformed into a force that helps others.
My hope is simple: that every mom who opens this blog can let out a sigh of relief and say, “So it’s not just me.” Then, she can find a bit of practical info, a dose of comforting solidarity, and return to her sweet, chaotic mom-life with a little more confidence and a little less weight on her shoulders.
This road? Let’s walk it together.
ikrystal
member
Re: Heading to back RE already... am I NUTS?!
I also go to an RE and went shortly after our loss because I really needed hope. I needed someone to tell me that I still had a chance of being a mom to a living child. That doesn't mean that we love our angel babies any less. It just means that we desire to parent a living child. I think a meeting with your RE could be really helpful. Perhaps you need to have a plan in place for peace of mind.
BFP #1- 4/2011; DD Brynn born 12/2011
BFP #2- 7/13; EDD- 4/2/14; Lost DS at 20 weeks (11/16/13) due to cord accident
BFP #3- 3/14; EDD- 11/28/14; Lost DD at 15 weeks (6/7/14)- cause unknown
To my angels- I held you every second of your lives and I'll love you every second of mine.
I called my RE after my 6wk pp appt just to talk about his take on things, the results we had from testing and what he thought would be a good next step.
I also really needed to have a plan in place- we are starting a new IVF cycle (we had none to freeze) and will be about 4 mos out from our loss when I start stims. There's only like a 1% chance for us to get pregnant on our own, so having a next step was really important for my sanity. The goal has always been to be a parent and while Jesse made me a mother, I desperately want to parent a living child.
Do what feels right for you- talking to your RE might help put your mind at ease and give you a sense of control.
GL as you navigate these tough waters
TTC since 2008
Dh:34, no issues. Me:31, Endo, slightly hypothyroid, deformed ovary, paracentric inversion.
4 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, HcG, Crinone +TI cycles= all BFN
Lap in 2012 to remove large unresolving cyst discovered endo and double lobed ovary.
6 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, HcG, Crinone IUI cycles= All BFN,
1st IVF w/ICSI- June '13 Antagonist: Gonal-F, Menopur, Ganirelix, HcG, Estradiol, Crinone= 7 retrieved, 4 mature, 1 unfertilized, 2 abnormally fertilized, 1 normally fertilized. 2DT of only embryo and our miracle BFP.
Our beloved baby boy was born sleeping Oct. 13, 2013 due to pROM/IC/Uterine infection.
2nd IVF w/ICSI- Feb. '14 EPP/lupron/antagonist: Estrace, lupron, HGH, Gonal-F, Menopur, HcG, PIO, lovenox, doxy/dex.=21 retrieved, 16 mature, 15 fertilized!! 5dt of 1 blast/ 6 frozen. BFP! Beta 1 9dp5dt:83.9 Beta 2: 11dp5dt: 145.2 Beta 3 14dp5dt: 497 Please be our sticky rainbow baby!
^^Absolutely! There is not one mama on this board who would not have given anything in the world to save the child they lost. I lost my twin boys 3.5 weeks ago and we have already been to my RE to get a plan in place for IVF #5 to hopefully conceive Anthony & Benjamin's sibling(s). (No frosties here.) I've been with my RE for 2.5 years and 2 losses; they are heartbroken for us, as well.
A plan for preventing my cervix from taking any more of my perfect babies' lives is the only thing that interests me these days. (I haven't even had a follow-up with my MFM yet.) My body isn't ready for IVF or TAC (transabdominal cerclage) yet, but having my plan in place gives me the hope I need right now.
Keep the appointment and if you don't feel up for it in 2 weeks--then cancel.
TTC since 10/2010
IUIs # 1-5 = BFFN
IVF # 1(July 2012) = BFN
IVF # 2 (November 2012) = BFP (MIssed MC D&C @ 8w3d on 1/10/13)
I lost Devon 18 months ago. The desire to have another baby was all-consuming for the first four months. My OB told me we only had to wait a month [loss at 34.5 weeks, and we knew the cause], but it took us nine months to truly feel ready to start TTCAL.
For us, having to wait those nine months really helped me come to terms with Devon's loss and become stronger mentally and physically. You are NOT crazy for wanting to come up with a plan now...you do what you feel is best. There is no wrong answer when it comes to the question "when should we try again?", because everyone is different. Trying again sooner rather than later does not make you a horrible mother. You will always love those boys, and they know it.
I know this is a rocky road, but I also know that you will make a decision that is best for you. Lots of luck. *hugs*
Ticker warning
You are absolutely not crazy, or a bad mother or replacing your boys. When to try again is a personal decision and when you feel you are ready is right for you. I saw my RE again right about 6-7 weeks after we lost our angel. I think in some ways, trying again is taking the control back. We had absolutely no control in losing our angels, but we can control and take charge of trying again. We will always love our angels and we will never forget them, but like you said, we want a baby in our lives to love.
I equate it to having a living child at home, and trying for more. Just because you want more than one child doesn't mean you don't love the child(ren) you already had whether they are here or not.
I can completely relate to what you said about not really wanting another baby though, and just wanting them back. I felt that way when we first began trying too. Our angel was a girl, and I desperately did not want a boy this time, but I did'nt even want another girl, I just wanted HER. But I definitely feel like I've bonded with this baby....it's hard, I keep catching myself calling her by her sister's name, and I wonder if it will be a good or bad thing if she looks like her. But I love this baby with all my heart, just like I love my angel, and she's not a replacement, just another baby for me to love. Big hugs to you!
My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks. Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!
Good luck as you figure out what to do.
first son stillborn 7/20/13 at 39 weeks due to Acute Fatty Liver of Pregnancy
It's a girl! Baby Anna was born August 3, 2014!