Heading to back RE already... am I NUTS?!

ikrystal · February 2014

My husband and I went through two years of infertility, 4 rounds of clomid, and got pregnant on our first IVF cycle. My baby boys, Conner and Benjamin, passed 6 weeks ago due to chorioamnionitis at 22.5 weeks. I miss them so much - I've wanted them for so long and they were so perfect, I couldn't believe that we couldn't save them. I want to bring babies home, but I want to bring THEM home.. not necessarily another baby. Unfortunately, I don't get that choice. Conner and Benjamin will always be my sons, and I will always be their mother. But, if I want to raise children, then I know I need to see my RE again.

My MFM said it would be smart to wait 6 months before jumping back into IVF, but she says it could be sooner depending on what my RE says. I see my OB on Friday, and I am sure he will echo her sentiments. I scheduled an appointment with my RE for two weeks from today, just for a consult to see what our options were (transfer 1 or 2 embryos, when we could start, etc.). I am not planning on starting a FET anytime soon, but I feel like I need to know what our next steps would be if and when we start trying to get pregnant again. Am I crazy??? My babies just died. And I feel like I called the RE way too quickly, like I'm a horrible mother for even thinking about having more babies and getting pregnant again.

I spoke to my aunt, who lost a baby at 23 weeks. She told me that my boys could never be replaced, but another baby would be a chance to share my love and just love more. I try to look at it this way, but I still feel like maybe I should cancel this appointment with the RE. I feel like a horrible mother. Did anyone else start thinking about trying again so soon after their baby/babies passed?

jess123456 · February 2014

Hugs. You are not a horrible mother. You are a loving and grieving mother who misses her boys.

I also go to an RE and went shortly after our loss because I really needed hope. I needed someone to tell me that I still had a chance of being a mom to a living child. That doesn't mean that we love our angel babies any less. It just means that we desire to parent a living child. I think a meeting with your RE could be really helpful. Perhaps you need to have a plan in place for peace of mind.

stefuge · February 2014

You are not at all crazy! Those first weeks after our loss, I wanted a baby so bad! As time passed, the urgent need became less urgent, but I still wanted a baby. We were told we had to wait a minimum of 6 months, but I was determined to get as much info and testing done in that time as possible, so that when we were ready to start trying, we had a plan. It is understandable to want to start the process.

sunflwra · February 2014

If you're crazy, so am I. When we found out that our baby boy didn't have a HB at our 20 week anatomy scan, I asked a lot of questions about what happened next, including when we could start trying again. My husband couldn't believe it. Everyone processes things differently though. I'm someone who plans and to have to go through the delivery and everything else without knowing when we could try again would have been overwhelming for me bc having a plan calms me and makes me feel prepared. We were told to wait 3 months and that was a good timeframe for us. You do whatever works for you all- you're not forgetting about your sons. I knew that the longer I wasn't pregnant, the longer I will dwell on our loss. As wrong as it may sound to some, I'm really hoping that I'm pregnant by early April since it was our EDD and I know it will make it a little easier to get through.

kz's_girlygirl · February 2014

We have struggled for years as well, and our son was an IVF baby.

I called my RE after my 6wk pp appt just to talk about his take on things, the results we had from testing and what he thought would be a good next step.

I also really needed to have a plan in place- we are starting a new IVF cycle (we had none to freeze) and will be about 4 mos out from our loss when I start stims. There's only like a 1% chance for us to get pregnant on our own, so having a next step was really important for my sanity. The goal has always been to be a parent and while Jesse made me a mother, I desperately want to parent a living child.

Do what feels right for you- talking to your RE might help put your mind at ease and give you a sense of control.

GL as you navigate these tough waters

Maybe Joleisa · February 2014

jess123456 said:

Hugs. You are not a horrible mother. You are a loving and grieving mother who misses her boys. I also go to an RE and went shortly after our loss because I really needed hope. I needed someone to tell me that I still had a chance of being a mom to a living child. That doesn't mean that we don't love our angel babies any less. It just means that we desire to parent a living child. I think a meeting with your RE could be really helpful. Perhaps you need to have a plan in place for peace of mind.

^^Absolutely! There is not one mama on this board who would not have given anything in the world to save the child they lost. I lost my twin boys 3.5 weeks ago and we have already been to my RE to get a plan in place for IVF #5 to hopefully conceive Anthony & Benjamin's sibling(s). (No frosties here.) I've been with my RE for 2.5 years and 2 losses; they are heartbroken for us, as well.

A plan for preventing my cervix from taking any more of my perfect babies' lives is the only thing that interests me these days. (I haven't even had a follow-up with my MFM yet.) My body isn't ready for IVF or TAC (transabdominal cerclage) yet, but having my plan in place gives me the hope I need right now.

Keep the appointment and if you don't feel up for it in 2 weeks--then cancel.

VyD81 · February 2014

You're not a horrible mom at all, going back to the RE doesn't mean you love your boys any less.

We struggled with infertility as well, many rounds of clomid, and many tests later, we were lucky to get pregnant with Raynor on our second round of a IUI. We have a deep desire to parent a living child. We went back to the RE in 10 weeks so we can put a plan together which gives us hope.

Many hugs, I know it's not easy to deal with infertility and not get to bring your babies home and now having to think about going through the process all over again. I hope your RE will put together a plan for you.

SchoolPsychSteph · February 2014

I agree. If you're horrible, I'm horrible too. It's been three weeks since our loss and I have talked to my OB about a plan for next time. She respected our wishes and put me on a pack of birth control to regulate my hormones again. After I finish the pack, we can try again. In my opinion, for me, I want to be pregnant again as soon as possible especially by June which was our EDD.

OSUWifey09 · February 2014

***SIGGY***

I lost Devon 18 months ago. The desire to have another baby was all-consuming for the first four months. My OB told me we only had to wait a month [loss at 34.5 weeks, and we knew the cause], but it took us nine months to truly feel ready to start TTCAL.

For us, having to wait those nine months really helped me come to terms with Devon's loss and become stronger mentally and physically. You are NOT crazy for wanting to come up with a plan now...you do what you feel is best. There is no wrong answer when it comes to the question "when should we try again?", because everyone is different. Trying again sooner rather than later does not make you a horrible mother. You will always love those boys, and they know it.

I know this is a rocky road, but I also know that you will make a decision that is best for you. Lots of luck. *hugs*

angelsnight · February 2014

Ticker warning

You are absolutely not crazy, or a bad mother or replacing your boys. When to try again is a personal decision and when you feel you are ready is right for you. I saw my RE again right about 6-7 weeks after we lost our angel. I think in some ways, trying again is taking the control back. We had absolutely no control in losing our angels, but we can control and take charge of trying again. We will always love our angels and we will never forget them, but like you said, we want a baby in our lives to love.

I equate it to having a living child at home, and trying for more. Just because you want more than one child doesn't mean you don't love the child(ren) you already had whether they are here or not.

I can completely relate to what you said about not really wanting another baby though, and just wanting them back. I felt that way when we first began trying too. Our angel was a girl, and I desperately did not want a boy this time, but I did'nt even want another girl, I just wanted HER. But I definitely feel like I've bonded with this baby....it's hard, I keep catching myself calling her by her sister's name, and I wonder if it will be a good or bad thing if she looks like her. But I love this baby with all my heart, just like I love my angel, and she's not a replacement, just another baby for me to love. Big hugs to you!

ikrystal · February 2014

angelsnight said:
I equate it to having a living child at home, and trying for more. Just because you want more than one child doesn't mean you don't love the child(ren) you already had whether they are here or not.

I never thought of it this way. That makes me feel better. I already feel a little better once I saw that I wasn't the only one who looked into getting pregnant again right after a loss.

mmsweeney1 · February 2014

mrsgerman said:

Once you experience being a mother, the desire is strong to have that again and another baby will never ever replace the one/s you lost.

I could not have said this better. I wanted to just echo what a lot of ladies have said already. After we lost our son, all I wanted was to be pregnant again. It took 3 months to get a period again and a couple months trying after that and even that short wait was so hard. When I did become pregnant, I kept telling my husband that I just wish it was going to be our son born again. It made no sense, and at the same time I felt guilty for trying again so soon. But I guess I knew it was the only thing that would give me a sense of hope.

Good luck as you figure out what to do.

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