NBR: Need Advice (Long)

Mmm79 · February 2014

So I guess I am looking for advice on how to handle something with my DH and his career.

A little background:

DH is an attorney. He graduated from college and worked in a totally unrelated field for 10 years before deciding to go to law school. At that point, he got a job working full time in the legal profession and went to law school at night for four years. He had hoped to go into one type of law that tanked right around the time the economy did. So he went into another type because he needed a job. Four years later he was laid off in a massive round of layoffs (after surviving a few others). He was out of work for about a year and a half. It was really rough on him. He went on a ton of interviews and got to some final rounds, but then nothing. It was awful to watch him go though all of that. When he did finally get a job offer, it was not a position he really wanted. But it was a position as a lawyer and it paid slightly better than his previous position. I was relieved, as I had read way too many stories about out of work attorneys having to sell furniture and how anyone out of work more than six months should be prepared to take a much lower salary, etc. DH took the job with the idea, "I can do this for now" and look for something better after a year or so.

Fast forward to now, about 2.5 years later. DH does not love his job. His boss is kind of an ass, though he's not too bad to DH- more annoying. He doesn't find a lot of the work he is doing interesting. On the plus side, he's got a great schedule, almost never travels and has great vacation/sick time/benefits. We had decided that he would just hang there until after we had A and got ourselves established as parents, but this summer he got really unhappy and antsy and just really wants out. So he's been looking around but not seeing much. Then about a month ago a former colleague contacted him about a job. The former colleague had held the open position at one time and thought DH would be perfect. He said he'd personally deliver DH's resume and put in a good word. DH worked hard on updating his resume and writing his cover letter. He got really excited about the prospect of both getting to leave his current job and doing this new job. Well, today he got a form letter all "thanks, but no thanks". Not even an interview. When I saw the email from DH telling me all of this, my heart sank. I know he is really down about this. He had been talking about this new position a lot over the past few weeks. I kind of want to punch his former colleague in the face for getting DH's hopes up. Because now he's kind of crushed. The time out of work was a real ego blow for DH. Prior to being laid off, he'd gotten a promotion and good reviews. But then it was so hard to try to get another job. Obviously, it was in the middle of a world-wide recession, but he definitely took it personally.

I want to be supportive to DH. When I talked to him a little while ago, he let me know how down he is and feels like he'll never get back on track. And he feels like he did all of this work- changing careers, working and going to school, etc and it hasn't paid off. It just kills me. I know he is smart, talented and would be a great asset to any organization, but at the end of the day I just want him to be happy.

Anyone else been through something similar? Any words of advice?

Mom2anAngel2 · February 2014

I wish I had some great advise for you, but I don't. I think that you are doing what you can to just be there for him and reminding him that you believe in him and support his choices.

((HUGS))

melly918 · February 2014

Yes, we are going through a similar situation. DH has had various jobs that were either becoming obsolete or no chance of advancement. He got a bachelors in Economics and couldnt find anything where we live. He then worked as an aide at my school. It helped a lot with the finances but he really wanted a different career. He dropped our of grad school after like six weeks as he felt it wasn't a fit for him. He just finished a certificate program in financial planning and after one interview with a local investment firm that has no benefits and earns a meager salary on commission, he is really to give up and get his old job back at my school. The huge downside: he didn't like the job although they love him and it's second shift which means he won't see me or DS four days a week. As of right now, they just filled a position so he has to wait. I have told him it would be fine to sub there occasionally while he keeps trying to find that dream job. If eventually the aide job is offered to him then that's it. If he does go back there. At some point down the road he can get the day shift. It is something we will just have to endure.

KikiCohen · February 2014

(hugs) That just plain sucks

I can't believe that's how they handled it.

DH has a bachelor's in elementary education. When he graduated, it was a hard time for teaching positions b/c a lot of teachers weren't retiring b/c of economical concerns and most districts were only hiring "long term subs" meaning no contracts, no job security. Like your husband, DH went on countless interviews, and got his hopes up each time. After years of long term positions, interviews, etc, he eventually gave up and branched out to other jobs. He ended up getting a job in a completely different field (case management) and he loves it.

It was really hard for me to see him go through all of that. We had always planned for me to SAH and raise our kids (obviously we didn't have P at that time) and it killed him to know he wasn't providing for us.

I guess my advice is to just listen to him and reassure him of his strengths. Sometimes we are really just victims of circumstance and it blows.

martinimomma · February 2014

((Hugs)) It is challenging to find ways to support a DH in that situation. My DH was out of work for a year before DS was born. His job moved across the country and we (I) were not willing to do that, particularly because I am the breadwinner in the family and the likelihood of my finding a job in the new location was not great. His ego was crushed. He tried hard to find work but his expertise is highly specific, and there are not a lot of companies here that do what he does. He thought about grad school but there was no indication another degree would help with the job hunt. He looked into starting his own business but we just did not have the money to fund somthieng like that. So after a year, he wound up going back to work for the same company in a different (more boring, menial) role at his old office location, and he still has that position today.

He hates his job. Hates, hates, hates it. It pays basically enough to cover our child care and insurance expenses. The only upside is that his boss is flexible, and he has been able to work from home one day a week. He keeps the job so that we can swing child care (he is not cut out to be a SAHD) and so that he won't have a gap on his resume while he continues to look for something else to do in our area. If he had his druthers, we would move somewhere else where his job prospects are better -- but I don't want to leave my parents and not be close to DH's family who live an hour away (and worry about passing the bar in another state).

I try to be supportive and remind DH when he gets down that thanks to his work, we are able to focus on our family for the time being and I am not super stressed about being the sole income (which is a lie, really - I am highly stressed about having the main responsibility for this in such an uncertain economy and fickle job market).

I am a lawyer, and know how tough the market is right now. ((Extra Hugs))

Mmm79 · February 2014

Thanks, ladies.

Sometimes it feels like everyone else out there is doing what they really want to be doing. And I think I have a little bit of guilt because I changed jobs this past summer. I had loved my previous position, but after returning from maternity leave it had changed a lot- we got bought, new management came in, and I just couldn't keep up with eth crazy workload as I had been able to before A came along. Then, kind of out of the blue, this opportunity fell into my lap for my current job. So as DH is unhappy and actively looking, I end of being the one to find a new job without looking after a brief period of unhappiness at my previous one.

I really appreciate you sharing your stories.

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