NWMR - Am I Wrong?

traveltheworld · February 2014

So DS goes to DC 2 days a week and my parents watch him the other 3 days. My ILs watched him one day a week for a few months when my parents took an extended vacation. When they watched DS, DH and I had to drive DS to their house and pick him up there - adding about an hour to our commute. They have now said that they want to spend more time with DS and want us to take DS to their house again. I suggested that we drop DS off in the morning, and they can drive him back to our house early afternoon (before rush hour). They seemed ok with that idea, but then mentioned that they can't do the drive because they have no car seat, so we should continue with our old arrangement. Would it be out of line for me to say no? I really don't want to add an hour plus to our commute again. I know the easiest thing to do would be to offer to just buy the car seat, but the petty side of me just doesn't want to since ILs are very well off, so money is not an issue for them. It would be different if I actually asked them to watch DS, but as it stands, we don't need them to watch DS. In my mind, I'm already making a compromise by driving DS there.

traveltheworld · February 2014

Oh to add - we already see them every weekend, but they want some alone time with DS, hence the request.

Iblamethebeer · February 2014

What well-off grandparent doesn't buy a freaking car seat?!

I would be annoyed. And I would say no unless they spent the $35 for the Cosco convertible seat and agreed to do half the driving.

carlab44 · February 2014

I wouldn't be offended if they didn't want to make the drive and/or didn't want to buy a car seat to drive him one afternoon a week.

But I also don't think it's unreasonable for you not to want to add an hour to your commute. I would just tell them that you would love for them to be able to see him more, but your schedule doesn't allow for you to drive him up there. Maybe they could come watch him at your house once in awhile?

*sparky* · February 2014

I would not agree to the extra commuting time one day a week, so I would have said no right away. But using not having a car seat as an excuse when you say they are well off just tells me they don't want to spend the time driving him home in the afternoons and they are using that as an excuse, which would really bug me.

If they want time with him during the week, maybe they can pick him up from DC early or come to your house to relieve your mom once a week, or when they feel like it. But I would not add that extra commute and buy a car seat so they can see him.

And my dad helps us with our DS and we always bought an extra car seat base/car seat/booster for him to have in his car to drive DS around. I just would not do it in the situation you are describing.

shannm · February 2014

I would reduce it to twice a month. I would then make sure you and DH can do pick up and insist that they provide your family dinner those nights.

Edit: I just noticed that you see them every weekend. Seriously, if you are ok with them driving, and they want to see your LO that bad, tell them where to purchase a car seat.

daisy662 · February 2014

I don't blame you for not wanting to add the extra time to your commute. It sounds like a pain. But I absolutely disagree with you over the car seat. It's your kid; you supply the car seat. You think they should buy it for you because they have money? Holy entitlement, Batman!

I typically agree that people should supply their own items for their own children and in fact, we bought a car seat for my son for my moms car. However, in this case, I think the grandparents should supply the car seat if it is they who are asking to watch the child. I can't believe they expect the parents to add on that much time to their commute and think the option OP provided is a great compromise.

ccam · February 2014

Have you suggested that they come to your house those days instead of dropping your LO off? I wouldn't want to do an extra hour in the morning either!

VOR · February 2014

No, you aren't wrong. In essence, they want you to do them a favor - give them more time w/ your child. You're willing to do THAT, but as such, THEY need to make the effort in return and come to you.

Asking you to go an hour out of your way TWICE a day is a lot. I'd stand firm "We'd love for you to spend more time, but coming to your house during the week is too much. If you want to come here, we'd be more than happy to work that out."

As far as the car seat goes, I get your "petty" reaction on that. Yes, I've bought all car seats for us and my parents. That's my responsiblity. BUT they do us a huge favor and it's not even a question. If they were saying "we want more time - oh but that requires YOU to spend time on the road and YOU to buy us a car seat", I'd be pretty pissy about it too.

dizzycooks · February 2014

I wouldn't drive an extra hour, but I also wouldn't expect them to buy a car seat. We've always bought seats for my moms car and mid beating getting my dad one as well. They are offering to do something nice, you could buy a seat for a lot less than the cost of a few days at daycare and likely you will use it many times anyway.

Pips09 · February 2014

I would say no way to the extra commuting time. That sounds awful. However, I wouldn't expect them to buy their own carseat, either. If you want to let them babysit one day a week, offer to buy them the carseat. Otherwise, let them know that it won't work for you.

mrsshawnavanb · February 2014

I would say no to the extra commute as well. If your days are anything like ours, you probably only get a couple of hours of awake time with your child as it is. To ask for an hour of that to be driving is ridiculous. This is where I will be different from everyone else and say that if it's your hubby's parents he needs to work this out with them. My mom did buy DD a carseat for her vehicle but she offered to do so. I agree with another post that most grandparents have carseats for their grand babies.

snicksnack · February 2014

I agree with everyone and I would not add commuting time I also would have DH deal with them. How old is your LO? Both our parents have one car seat but we now have two kids. My MIL was going to buy another becuse my son and her other grandson rear face but by 4-year old is too tall she stoped at a little over three. I told her not to because we find putting the forward facing seat in her car is really easy much easier than moving a rear-facing seat so that could be an option if you wanted to just put a seat in her car maybe do it once a month instead of every week.

rubber_chicken · February 2014

You see your ILs EVERY WEEKEND? You're already a saint. Tell them to go away.

(I might be projecting my own IL issues a little bit

)

DaisyJanie · February 2014

I think it's understandable that you would expect them to buy the carseat, but I still think you should offer to buy a Cosco Scenera for their car. I would actually want them to have one anyway if LO is going to be there all day - what if they need to drive somewhere in an emergency? If that doesn't get them to do the afternoon drive, welp, their loss.

VOR · February 2014

LibraryChica said:

I feel like enabling a relationship with extended family, when possible, is a responsibility not a favor.

Believe it or not, I do agree with you.

I just feel like in THIS situation - her ILs are asking a bit much as they all see each other every weekend. If they want alone, special bonding time, then they need to be willing to make the effort to go to her to do it and not make her life more difficult.

traveltheworld · February 2014

Thanks everyone! I actually bought a car seat for my parents' car; and that was exactly DH's point - if we bought it for my parents, why shouldn't we do it for his parents? I think I'm just annoyed because in my mind, my parents are doing us a favour by watching DS (19 months), since they moved to be closer to us and save us the long commute time. And my parents have tons of toys and books that they bought for DS at their house. Whereas ILs have never bought anything for DS, so when they used to watch him, I had to lug his books over there every time (DS LOVES books). I even suggested that they go borrow some kids' books from the local library but they never did that. Can you tell that I'm not thrilled about this overall? :P

VOR · February 2014

traveltheworld said:

Thanks everyone! I actually bought a car seat for my parents' car; and that was exactly DH's point - if we bought it for my parents, why shouldn't we do it for his parents? I think I'm just annoyed because in my mind, my parents are doing us a favour by watching DS (19 months), since they moved to be closer to us and save us the long commute time. And my parents have tons of toys and books that they bought for DS at their house. Whereas ILs have never bought anything for DS, so when they used to watch him, I had to lug his books over there every time (DS LOVES books). I even suggested that they go borrow some kids' books from the local library but they never did that. Can you tell that I'm not thrilled about this overall? :P

Oy. It's not a "tit for tat" thing - you bought your parents a carseat because there was a genuine NEED for it, right? Right now, buying his parents a seat would only be so that YOU can drive DS to them and then they can drive him home. Yes- that saves you 1/2 the trip, but the point is it's still an inconvenience to you.

I can still remember my FIL asking us about a carseat for their van. Both DH and I were like "Um, no". There is a lot behind this, but the simple fact was that 1- we probably wouldn't be using them to watch DS, and 2- we SURE as hell weren't going to have them drive DS anywhere. FIL isn't the best of drivers and he's easily distracted. Yeah... let's put a kid who draws attention in the back of your car....

It doesn't matter that my parents have a carseat. That has nothing to do w/ why we do or don't have one for ILs.

If your ILs say "Hey- we want to watch him. We'll come to your house but we'd like to take him out too", THEN you get them a carseat!

thedash · February 2014

Oh to add - we already see them every weekend, but they want some alone time with DS, hence the request.

This drives me insane and I would shut the whole thing down because of it. But that's just me projecting my IL issues!

Mustardseed2007 · February 2014

I would say no because of the commute. They aren't asking you to buy the car seat from what I can tell, so just saying no, this isn't convenient, is completely appropriate. You offering to buy a car seat would be a bonus problem solving move on your part, but since you already have a weekday schedule that is working for you I wouldn't bother.

We provide carseats to anyone we ask to help us. We actually have 3 car seats for my son. One for my car, one for DH's car and 1 extra for any caregiver that helps us out. Currently the extra seat is in MIL's car because she's picking up DS from daycare every day. On days she can't do it, we provide one of our three seats to someone we ask to help us out, but it's not a regular, weekly thing. It's more of a monthly or bi monthly event when MIL can't pick up as usual.

However, if I were in your shoes dealing with a family member who wanted to see DS "just because", I'd let them baby sit for me one day on a weekend rather than involve both messing with our weekday routine and buying more baby equipment than I would otherwise need.

ETA: I just wanted to add that up until December, our third "care giver seat" was in my MOM's car. But she is not able to drive DS around during the week anymore so we took that seat out of her car and put it in MIL's car.

I guess what I'm saying is, that third seat isn't my mom's seat or my MIL's seat. It's our extra seat that we have in whoever needs it. But it's just not convenient to pull any of the seats out of anyone's car for 1 day a week that we don't need anyway.

jesuisfatiguee · February 2014

I would say no to the commute, and say something like, "Buying a new carseat doesn't really fit into our budget right now, but I know you can get some pretty inexpensively at [Wal-Mart, Costco, wherever)."

Having them watch DS at your house is a good idea, too. Unless you don't want them in your house while you're gone

82Sonia · February 2014

You are NOT wrong. An extra hour of commute so they can see their grandson? I would not be willing to do that.

emberlee3 · February 2014

Meh. I would buy them a seat and try the compromise for a while. It really is nice for children to spend alone time with their grandparents.

Iblamethebeer · February 2014

melOHdy said:

Estwd2 said:

I don't blame you for not wanting to add the extra time to your commute. It sounds like a pain. But I absolutely disagree with you over the car seat. It's your kid; you supply the car seat. You think they should buy it for you because they have money? Holy entitlement, Batman!

+1

I see this the exact opposite way. They WANT the kid to come to their house, instead of coming to see the kid. If that's the request, I don't think OP should be responsible for supplying them with a car seat, a high chair, a pack n play, toys, etc. She should be able to hand him off with a standard diaper bag (diapers, wipes, bottles, special baby snack food, chagne of clothes, lovey).

If she was asking them to help her out, sure, it would make sense for her to offer to give them the gear they needed. But that's not what's happening.

In the end, the $35 car seat is a petty thing to fight about but here it seems to be indicative of the in-laws uncooperative attitude.

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