Am I the only one??

veetveet · February 2014

I have no desire to see or talk to my friends and as of right now I feel I could be ok with this decision permanently. Don't get me wrong- my friends are amazing people but I seriously don't know wtf is wrong with me. I've put it out there to leave me alone and I will reach out when ready. I cannot picture being ready.

My best friend is currently pregnant with twins (IVF) - it was triplets but they had to reduce based on her size/potential complications. We had the same procedure done to stop the baby's heart. The difference is she was 14 weeks and I was 27 and actually had to deliver my dead son.(last week) I would never begrudge anyone a family! Esp after what they have been thru. But I cannot be around pregnant people right now. I just can't. Is that selfish? She is a great person that would do anything for me but right now I simply just do not give a shit.

stefuge · February 2014

What you are feeling is normal, especially being around someone who is pregnant. My grief counselor has told me that it is okay to be selfish right now and put some distance in those relationships that are potentionaly painful, in order to protect myself from more pain. If you aren't ready to see people yet, that's okay. Not all your relationships will survive, and that is okay too. The ones that matter will make it. Those friends that have reached out and made a point to check in with me are often what pull me through the most difficult days, and I am so grateful for those ladies. Those "friends" that are too busy or say hurtful things, I can do without. ((Hugs))

stefuge · February 2014

aragosta said:

;I'm almost 5 months out (um wtf how did that happen)

Crazy how the time goes by, huh? It will be 6 months for us in 10 days and it still feels so fresh.

schulme2 · February 2014

I think that's very normal. We're 9.5 months out (WTH!?) and I didn't see anyone outside of my immediate family for the first 3 months. Even now I've only seen a handful of people and will really not do phone calls. Texts have been great as I can answer if and when I want. You'll slowly come around with a select few first but take the time you need.

veetveet · February 2014

Its just difficult- my husband is super social and lovea.to be around people. Even the way he is grieving- I need to be alone (with my family) and he's ok to go out. Just dont want it to drive a wedge between us.

Bgirma · February 2014

@veetveet- I also prefer to be alone right now and my husband doesn't have a problem being social and around lots of people. I have to remind myself that even though he is my husband, we are grieving differently and need different things. It definitely doesn't mean he's hurting less or moving on, it's just what works for him. I understand how you feel and know that it's hard.

Dixon813 · February 2014

~~Siggy Warning~~

You aren't the only one and you aren't being selfish - you are grieving and you need to do whatever you need to do to survive.

There are still times I don't want to be around certain friends and I've learned that it's really important to listen to that "little voice." As far as your friends, we had a similar situation. We had friends that had been TTC for awhile and decided to go the IVF route right as we were going through our complications, so literally days before we lost our triplets, they got their BFP. I remember when they were going in for their first U/S that if they were having twins (which they had said they would probably reduce due to risks...) I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it. That being said, I still only saw her ONCE during the past 9 months because it was too difficult to be around them.

Listen to your heart - do what YOU need to do.

lrichmond86 · February 2014

veetveet said:
Its just difficult- my husband is super social and lovea.to be around people. Even the way he is grieving- I need to be alone (with my family) and he's ok to go out. Just dont want it to drive a wedge between us.

This is hard. This sounds like me and dh. It was really hard for me to come to a level of acceptance that he was grieving differently than I was and this was ok. I let him go out when he could and asked him to stay home when I needed him. Once we were mutually respectful of the differences in our grief things started getting easier. FWIW, you will come to a point where you want to reach out, where you will want your friends. It took a long time for me (maybe five our six months!) And when I did many of those relationships were different. It's like every other part of this process... getting used to your new normal. Things will never be the same, but they won't always be so horrible either. Big hugs!

amandahpinney · February 2014

No, you're not the only one. I lost my full term son two days after he was born -- that was two months ago and I still do not want to be around pregnant people or newborns. My step-sister just had her baby last week and I can't bring myself to visit and it kills me to see his pictures. I think aragosta is right - you can be selfish as long as you need to. You may just have to tell some friends that you can't be around them or their children for a while. Personally, I haven't had any trouble with kids that were around before Malcolm, but when I see newborns - even pictures of newborns from years ago - I feel like there is a vice around my heart.

veetveet · February 2014

RedheadBaker said:
You're not being selfish -- you're in survival mode. I was the same way -- a woman I knew through a mutual friend was due a week before me. I bailed out of consignment shopping with my friend because I knew the other woman would be there.

Have you been to a support group yet? That really help me deal with the differences in how my S.O. and I grieved.

I just signed up for one yesterday- it doesn't happen until.next week.

I am ok that he is grieving differently than me. Not gonna lie tho.... I got pissed off yesterday- it happened Wednesday- he asked to go to hockey on Friday (no objections - he needs an outlet too) . Went out on Saturday night with his 2 oldest friends - (spent the entire day with me- but I was a trainwreck). Sunday he took my daughter to our friends place (pregnant bff) because he assumed I wanted to be alone because I was miserable...and then yesterday it was a long weekend here- said he was going to take our daughter with some friends to this kids event. I got so mad and lost it on him.

My own fault- I should have told him what I needed instead of expecting him to know. He just assumed I wanted space. I told him all I want right now is to be aroud him.and my daughter. (Not saying he cannot go out.... just space this shit out a little)

ikrystal · February 2014

You are normal - and I think this is a healthy reaction. A nurse told me she was worried about me because I didn't want to see anyone after my boys passed (I didn't even tell my parents I was in the hospital until after I delivered and I knew they were going to pass). But to me, its just the right thing to do. There is no such thing as being selfish in this situation - you worry about you right now, and not about anyone else. I know that doesn't sound nice, but if there is ever a time to put yourself first, its now. I still have a hard time being around my friends who have kids and I definitely cannot stand seeing pregnant women. People tell me about their babies (I have no idea why the hell they think this is a good reason after my twins just died), and like you said - I simply don't give a flying shit about it. You're not alone in your feelings.

OSUWifey09 · February 2014

***SIGGY***

My best friend was pregnant when I lost Devon. I only saw her twice during the span of six months because I couldn't handle it. I withdrew myself from people, too...I was such an emotional mess that I just had to hide. Going back to work helped get me back into the real world, but it took awhile for me to be ready to deal with people socially.

As others said, you need to be selfish right now. You take care of yourself and do what's best for YOU. Tell people what you need right now, and don't apologize. You owe no one any sort of explanation; just take care of yourself.

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