Issues with my mother - HELP!

StephanieL2014 · February 2014

OK... so here is one for you all (because I am really at a loss of what to do!) I will try and make this as simplified as possible.

My mother and I do not exactly get along, in fact I just prefer not to be around her AT ALL. To put it bluntly: she is an alcoholic who is also abusive (physically/emotionally/mentally). Although she hasn't been physically abusive towards me since I was 18 (I'm 27 now) she is still rather nasty when drunk. My parents are still technically together although my father's work has him travelling a lot and he is hardly ever home. We live in the same small northern town and since we just moved back into the country and now I am pregnant she wants to see us obviously. When she isn't drinking she is a rather lovely woman for the most part and Hubby and I can stand to be around her for a couple hours; as soon as she hits the booze though all hell breaks loose. She makes demands on me (and my unborn child) such as "I am going to be doing *insert activity here* with my grand-baby and there is nothing you can do about it". (Uhm... no you are not taking her to your condo when she is 2 months old thank you very much!) and other such nonsense. Also, she criticizes every decision Hubby and I have made regarding our baby. I mentioned to my Dad that we were going to have a natural birth (he asked because Hubby is a pharmacist and was wondering what the pain-relieving options were) and she laughed in my face, told me I couldn't handle it and I had no idea what I was talking about, I am so stupid etc. The real kicker was how I have decided to go back to work after maternity and she told me I was selfish etc and how she will leave work and look after 'her' baby. These are just a couple of examples that I have to put up with every time I see the woman. Most recently it was my lack of eating meat and how I am going to kill the child or it will come out deformed (she didn't use such a 'polite' word). She gets all angry when I tell her NOT to touch my belly (I only allow my husband and my MIL, who is an absolutely awesome woman and I don't know what I would do without her!) and she says that she can if she wants to. It has seriously taken so much strength not to smack her through this whole thing. Every time I try and stick up for myself she blames it on the "pregnancy hormones". I am a daddy's girl and I love my father dearly but he has been no help through this whole thing and prefers to keep him head in the ground. Hubby and I have already told him that she will not be having the child on her own until she is completely sober for at least 3-5 years and he said he would speak to her (he has made me this promise before) but that was near christmas and so far nothing.

Hubby and I are on the same page - there is no way we feel comfortable in leaving our baby with this woman as she makes terrible decisions when she is drunk, doesn't see the point in controlling her racist/prejudice language/attitude around children, and doesn't share our values at all. I would really love to be able to turn to my mother in this time and would like my child to have her grandmother but I don't see how this is possible. The next time she starts making demands about the baby I plan on saying "When you make demands on us and our child it makes us feel uncomfortable. We have boundaries and you will just need abide them." My father doesn't necessarily agree that she should not have the child on her own and my brother thinks I am over-reacting.

So my question is: Do you think I am being unreasonable? Is there anything I could be doing right now that will help the situation?

I am at the point where her saying these things and acting this way to me is hurtful but I am mature enough to handle it and don't care a fiddler's fart about her opinion of me and I am sure finished seeking her approval. However, I will not put up with her crap towards my child.

TLDR: Alcoholic mother is not having our child on her own, will cause issues with family. What should I do?

allrightmeow · February 2014

Why is this even a question? Your mother is a mean alcoholic. I wouldn't leave her alone in the room with my kid to go to the bathroom. Your dad seems to cope with her by not being around her. I feel bad for him. Does she brow beat him like she tries to do to you?

Personally, I wouldn't want to deal with someone so toxic during my pregnancy. I wouldn't want someone like heavily involved in my child's life. From what you shared, outside of bending to her every will, I don't see what YOU can do to help the situation. Your mom needs to seek help for her alcohol abuse.

Unknown · February 2014

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NADA-H · February 2014

I agree with both posters

if she is drunk I don't care what the blood relationship is between her and my baby, she isn't going to be alone around the baby and definitely not drunk when I'm visiting with the baby.

And she can't do anything to your baby without your consent so just brush it all off like she said nothing. She can make all the demands she wants. Especially that you said that she used to abuse you growing up in all sorts of ways. I wouldn't leave my children alone with her no matter how old they are and how sober she is proven to be. I won't be able to trust her if I was you.

as to comments and fighting every word she says etc, ignore it really. let her demand and say I'm going to do this or that and just say "ok" and don't do it.

rainydayluck · February 2014

I don't see why this is a question either. She wouldn't be welcome in my house with that attitude and she would never be left alone with my child. Also, if she kept up the nastiness, she wouldn't have a relationship with my child/family at all.

Shoku · February 2014

As a mother it is your duty to surround your child is living, caring, kind and good people. By the sounds of it your mum isn't any of these things and is being extremely selfish making demands. This isn't her child, it's yours and your husbands and you must do what is right by your baby.

mcgeeva · February 2014

First off you are not wrong for how you feel. Your job as a mother is to protect your child so no I would never leave my child with an alcoholic. My mil is a heavy alcoholic and anything we have ever said not to do she does even with regards to our dog. So my husband and I agree she is never allowed to watch ds or our next ever. Simple as that! We are on the same page but we also boh agree it's best to have him deal with his parents and I mine. I think you should do the same. It's so easy for parents to blame the significant others so it's best you talk to your parents. If she reacts badly then step aaway from spending time with her. If she adds more stress to your life you don't need to see her. Good luck

ncbelle · February 2014

As hard as it would be, I'd cut all contact with her until she was willing to seek help for her addiction. You don't need toxic in your life and your baby sure doesn't need to be around that in any capacity.

abirdd9 · February 2014

ncbelle said:

As hard as it would be, I'd cut all contact with her until she was willing to seek help for her addiction. You don't need toxic in your life and your baby sure doesn't need to be around that in any capacity.

This.

StephanieL2014 · February 2014

Thanks for the response everyone, I really appreciate it. It is just so hard because she used to be such a good person when I was little and did a complete change when I was around 10 years old. I will definitely take your advice.

laurenmichaels · February 2014

I had a friend with the same type of situation.
She told her mother that if she wanted to see her grandchild, she had to go to a rehab program and get clean. The choice was then her and amazingly the mother ended up going to rehab and has now been sober for 2 years.

Disneygeek77 · February 2014

No, you are not unreasonable at all and I am glad that you can even recognize that this behavior is wrong.

How is she when she isn't drunk ? If she treats you ok when she is sober, I would maybe see her at that time and then hit the road as soon as she starts to drink.

I would also suggest Al-Acon for you and your husband. They will be able to give you great if not better advice than you can find on here.

cblakin · February 2014

My mom isn't an alcoholic but she does have borderline personality disorder. Essentially what that means is that the bottom line is her, she can't control her emotions, and she was an emotionally abusive mother. She does this I-love-you-I-hate-you thing, where she is wonderful and a loving mother and then the next thing you know she is screaming at you and very nasty. I think there are quite a few similarities with that and addiction, and many borderlines have addiction issues (she has intermittent issues with this).

I, like you, have always turned the other cheek. But this pregnancy made me reconsider a lot of things. I am in no way comfortable with her being around my child or alone with them. Her husband is a "recovering" alcoholic (though he claims to be sober there is ample evidence that he is not) and has crazy anger management issues. Last time I told her we needed to talk about our relationship before the baby she first told me that it was my fault we were not close because I treated her like a non-person at my wedding, then sent her horrible husband to start harassing and intimidating both myself and my brother, who is trying to stay neutral.

My brother also thinks I am overreacting, which is of course hard because we are very close and she was just as horrible to him (in fact many of my issues with involve watching the way she treated him), and my stepdad has physically threatened him if he doesn't inform them of my "future and continued attempts at abuse" (aka me saying we needed to talk).

As much as I say I don't care about what she or my stepdad think, it is still family and it is still hard to see the total lack of respect that they have for me and my concerns. I agree with PP, let yourself be hurt because it does hurt and making yourself ignore that won't help. Make strong boundaries that you are comfortable with, no matter what your brother or dad think, and stick with them. I love my brother, but he does not have the same issues or relationship with her that I do and cannot tell me what is right for me or my family. After the crazy that ensued after I wanted to talk to my mom, I decided to just cut her and my stepdad out as they have been a negative presence in my life for too long and are not interested in becoming a positive one.

Just know that what you are doing is in the best interest of yourself, your family, and your child. Whenever I feel guilty/sad/remorseful I just remind myself that this is one way that I can do what my mother didn't do for me and protect my child from the sort of horrible experiences she would undoubtedly provide. And although the initial break is over, I am sure I am going to have to continue to reassert my boundaries, especially as the due date gets closer, but I think it is worth it in the end. Even this short break from her has helped my emotional state tremendously and I finally feel like I have some control in a relationship I have always felt powerless in.

Whatever you decide is best for you, just remember you aren't trying to hurt her you are just trying to protect yourself and your family. And good luck, I know this is extremely difficult!

Jentech84 · February 2014

Sounds a lot like my MIL - except the physical abuse and demanding to spend time with the baby. My husband and I wholeheartedly agree that she won't ever have the child alone (she's so decrepit at just-over-60 that you'd think she's pushing 90 - due to severe alcoholism, chain smoking and horrible diet) even if my FIL is there.

The interest is in your child, not your mother. Remember that always.

foreverapartofme · February 2014

You are a parent and you make the rules for your baby. The safety and well being of your LO is the most important thing. You have every right not to put your baby in a potentially harmful (verbally/physically) situation.

My DH and I do not leave my DD with my MIL because she is an alcoholic. MIL is not mean or anything. However, I don't want someone intoxicated around my DD, let alone watching her. Do what is best for your LO. Good luck!

cMichelle0423 · February 2014

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting your mother to be around your child. At least not until she gets herself some help and can remain sober for several years. I have a somewhat similar situation involving my father. He has always had a lot of anger issues and is always looking for someone to start shit with. Back when DS was around 3 months old, DH and I were having a lot of issues and weren't even together. At this time I was living with my parents since DH and I were separated, so my dad knew a lot about what was going on with my situation with him. He basically wanted me to cut DH out of our lives and raise my son on my own (which that wasn't what me or DH wanted, even with us not being together) since I disagreed with my dad he would yell at me and scream at me even while I was holding my sleeping son two feet away from him. On top of my issues with my dad, I also had two younger brothers who loved in the house (both of school age) and he would constantly be yelling at the older of the two for issues at school etc. Basically I didn't want to raise my son around someone like him. I know that for me, I hated growing up ar I understand someone who was constantly yelling. Plus I saw how sad and concerned it made my youngest brother look, and I did NOT want that to be my son in a few years. So I told him I wanted nothing to do with him until he can learn to control his anger. I also said I did not want him to be apart of my son's life either. He wasn't someone I wanted around my family. It's been 9 months later and I still haven't talked to my dad. I have little to nothing to do with him. And although I wish things were different, I still stand by my decision.

hodso1ra · February 2014

No question about it, hun. You need to do what is best for you and your immediate family. She is a hazard to baby's health and your sanity.
It sounds like you have a great support system from your husband and MIL - rely on them. Do not be afraid to tell your mother that you are not ok with what she says and does, and ask others to back you up.
This is your pregnancy, this is your baby. You are on the right path by feeling she is not a safe person to leave your child with. Make sure SHE knows this.

megmarissa · February 2014

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. But hell to the no should this woman ever dictate what you should or should not be doing. I agree with a pp, give her an ultimatum, rehab or no contact with her grandbaby. I would also recommend attending an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. Might help give you strength with how to deal with her.

SarahKearney13 · February 2014

My husband and I are in a similar situation to yours. We both have an alcoholic parent. I'm 27 and he's 25. You are absolutely NOT over reacting. This is your child. You need to do what you think is right. If that includes walking away from an overbearing, potentially unsafe grandparent, and burning some bridges as you go, DO IT. I do notice my husband seems to struggle a little harder with standing up to his father, than I do with my mom. It could be our personalities, or potentially because I'm adopted and I'm use to people walking away. It's okay. Standing up to the person in charge of your whole childhood is hard! That's years of, I have to do what my parents tell me to do, that you're mentally fighting. You and your husband can lean on each other, and it seems like you are. Sometimes people are bad for you and you need to remove yourself from the picture, especially if you've tried really hard to get your opinion across and they have no regard for what you're saying, or are too damaged themselves and refuse to seek help. Just remember you and your husband are in control. You can make a decision to go visit grandma and grandpa. You can just as easily say, no we won't be coming over. Or we'll come over, but if you touch a drop of alcohol we're out the door. Do what you think is right in the end, because you're the one who has to deal with the consequences. They have to be what you can live with. And I wouldn't worry that you're depriving your child of seeing their grandparents. Your mother, by drinking, being cruel, and belligerent, is the one who's doing the depriving. If she wants to have a relationship with your baby, she can stop drinking when you come to visit. End of story. I really hope this helps in some way.

aimeepigott · February 2014

New to this forum. As I was reading this, it sent me straight to my MIL! She is similar to your mother however, it's not alcohol it's an illegal substance and cigarettes. She smells like a teenager who smoked about a pound of weed, 8 packs of cigs and hasn't showered for a week. She has consistently given me a hard time during both pregnancies ( this is my 2nd) as well as my entire relationship with DH. He doesn't pay much mind to her because he feels if he doesn't have to be around her or involved with her she doesn't exist. I try to take his lead, but it gets incredibly upsetting when every other married couple has a fan relationship with their in laws. We have never left DS alone with her and she(nor anyone else I his family) isn't around enough for them to be left alone with him. She has attempted to over mind me while in my home and I quickly shut it down. Just remember it's your child and your rules!!!! Stand your ground and be consistent!! Good luck!

StephanieL2014 · February 2014

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, the support has really helped my confidence in the decisions my husband and I have made for our little growing family. I appreciate it. Much love to ya'll.