Tips for heading back to work?

Maybe Joleisa · February 2014

This past week I've been working a few hours from home each day and that has been going well. Today I went into my office for a few hours (no one else was there) and I was having a really hard time concentrating and eventually everything started replaying in my head and I started crying. My plan is to work Tuesday & Wednesday in the office this week and then return to 5 days/week starting next week. I've seen FOUR people other than my DH and family in the past 3 weeks...I'm nervous even though I've worked there for 12 years and I know everyone is hurting for me. (I work in human services--all social workers.)

What worked/didn't work for you when returning to work?
Is there anything you wish you did differently?
Any tips to prevent or help with breakdowns? (I work in a cube and it is quite a hike to the bathroom and/or parking garage.)

veetveet · February 2014

I don't know if I will be much help as I am just at the beginning of my leave. When i sent my announcement I made it quite clear #1 do not ask for details #2 no religious euphemisms or reference to god to lifes plans #3 do not ask about or mention future children. I also said I wanted no calls/texts/visitors/cards.

When i head back to work in 8-12 weeks I will be sending the same note again to HR and asking them to send it out and make it quite clear- none of this is up for discussion. There are a small handful of people that know what was going on. Not everyone needs to know my business.

Practice some deep breathing.... that helps me sometimes.

Best of luck.

kflynn81 · February 2014

I did something similar. Since we lost Jack so close to Christmas, it helped that there were quite a few days the office was closed anyways. I was released from the hospital (my second admit) two days after Xmas and returned the day after New Years for half days that Thursday and Friday. For me it was a combination of my mental health and physical health that concerned me going back full time right away. My blood pressure still wasn't under control and I still had a lot of swelling. However, sitting at home alone drove me insane. All I did was Google "preeclampsia" and "HELLP" and anythign else related to Jack's birth. I knew it was harming and not helping me to be at home and thought maybe work would be good to get out of the house. I wish I took another week at least but found another outlet to get me out of the house...maybe going to my IL's house or asking friends to hang out. It also helped that I asked my boss to get me a new desk calendar as my old one had my milestones written on it and it would be devastating to have to see that month in and month out. I also asked her to talk to the staff and tell them not to hug me or make a huge deal about it. I wanted people to be comforting but not make me bawl. As for breakdowns, I work in a cube also with a hike to the bathroom. I had a lot of baby talk going on around me for awhile as my boss was pregnant. I found good use for my Pandora turned up a little to drown it out. The first few days were so very hard to get out the door and into the office but I promise you eventually it will get a little easier each day. (((hugs)))

MCH77 · February 2014

No real advice. It sucked, but has been a good distraction. The first week was the worst. They paid me to do nothing and I don't care.

MCH77 · February 2014

((Hugs)) and good luck.

stefuge · February 2014

I don't have any advice - I primarily work from home - but I found work to be a good distraction. It felt good to have something else to focus on and at the end of the day to feel productive with something.

angelsnight · February 2014

Ticker warning

Returning was hard....the bereavement counselor advised me to go back on a Thursday so I only had a short two days before the weekend, but my leave was already set to have me return on Monday. I wish I had taken her advice. I ended up leaving that first day at noon, and then planned a vacation day for that Friday because the full week was just way too hard.

My boss gave me a good three weeks to do almost nothing at work. That helped a lot since some days just getting out of bed and showing up was a major accomplishment so by the time I got to work, I couldn't deal with actually doing work. But sometimes through out the day it actually helped to work to occupy my mind. So definitely don't expect yourself to just jump right back in and be as productive as ever.

Xath · February 2014

***siggy warning***

Returning was very difficult, but I think it helped that I started seeing a counselor shortly before I returned and was able to rely on her for the first few months of the transition. When I got back to the office, my management ended up moving my desk from my former cubicle to an empty office with a door. Whenever I started to break down, I could just shut the door and have some privacy (and still do, when necessary). Even if there's not an office for you to sit in, is there an empty office you could go into when you need some alone time?

If there isn't, maybe look into getting a cubicle door. My co-worker got one like this for when she needed privacy, and it seemed to work well for her. It doesn't block out the noise, but people are generally pretty good about respecting the presumed privacy when it's closed, and no one is going to fault you for needing time to yourself.

bunnybun4 · February 2014

i went in to work with my mom 2 days before I actually went back to work...I just said hi to everyone and got a lot of crying out of the way...it took a lot of pressure off of my first day back. My secretary was awesome and got my coffee and lunch and whatever I needed the first week back so I didn't have to leave my office...that was REALLY helpful so maybe you could ask someone to do that for you?

some posters on here went back part time for a few days...i think that would have been really helpful for me too.

((hugs))

Bayberry12 · February 2014

I didn't go back to work after I lost my daughter. But, a women in my support group made all of her co-workers little book markers with her daughters name and birth day on it, with a little pome. It kind of opened the door for them ask about her child and how she was doing. She said it also helped make her child more real to them.

jbranden12 · February 2014

I also worked in an open office, so I scouted a place where I could go to have a good cry when I needed it. It was once or twice a day for the first couple of weeks. Sometimes I would start welling up and I needed to let it out or I would be on the verge the rest of the day. I also cried in the car before coming in for weeks.

Also, be prepared for people to say nothing. It hurt the most.

veetveet · February 2014

jbranden12 said:
I also worked in an open office, so I scouted a place where I could go to have a good cry when I needed it. It was once or twice a day for the first couple of weeks. Sometimes I would start welling up and I needed to let it out or I would be on the verge the rest of the day. I also cried in the car before coming in for weeks.

Also, be prepared for people to say nothing. It hurt the most.

I really don't want anyone to talk about it to be honest.

Maybe Joleisa · February 2014

Thanks for the tips--will definitely pack my ear buds to tune people out. I'm going to pack my lunch and keep it at my desk, so I can minimize my trips to the common areas. I had to laugh at the cubicle door, as our cube walls are only 4.5' tall! I used to have a windowless office, but we moved to a new building with an open-air cube vibe. Ugh.

I do get the hurt behind people saying nothing. A friend came over for dinner tonight and it took her over 90 minutes to ask me how I was doing. She was nervous and didn't know what to say--I get that, too. My work BFFs know that we've been through a few rounds of IVF and I'm sure they will hug me and make me cry--but I'm okay with that from them. (They also cried with me when I lost my grandparents, my mom, my m/c last year, etc...) They wanted to do "something" for me, so on Friday I received in the mail certificates of stars being names after our sons from my unit...very appreciated, as I was on flower and edible arrangement overload.

I'll take a lot of deep breaths and just take it hour by hour and see how long I last. Thanks ladies!

lrichmond86 · February 2014

In hindsight this is something I wish I had realized at the time. People say hurtful things, but none if them mean to be hurtful. Even today as I'm pregnant with my third (second rainbow) people at work talk about it as though it's my second pregnancy, second child. Now I have the wherewithal to correct them politely and most respond appropriately. I really wish you the best of luck going back to work. It's not easy but you'll get through it! Thoughts for you today!

Maybe Joleisa · February 2014

@RedheadBaker: The email to my team is great advice--wish I would've posted my question a few days ago! I could not imagine having to go back to work (in a new office no less) 2 days post delivery. Thank goodness you were able to arrange working from home for a few weeks.

I was TOTALLY wrong about what my first day back would look like! I had (3) lump in throat want to cry moments, but was able to contain myself. Only 3 of my 5 work BFFs were there today and despite texting and emailing me several times while gone from work--they pretty much avoided me! [Probably to keep me from crying, but it was definitely odd.] I hid out in my cube all day. Of the 5 people in my unit who sought me out to express how sorry they were and ask me if I needed anything--4 of them were men. Whaaaa?!? They were all very comforting and I did not cry. I made it 6 of 8 hours and worked the last 2 from home to avoid a meeting.

Regarding productivity I was useless for most of those hours.

I had my headphones on and could not get the music on my I phone low enough to concentrate on working--gonna take my iPod into work tomorrow hoping I can turn it way way down.

stefuge · February 2014

Glad to hear it wasn't too bad!

Xath · February 2014

***siggy warning***

Someone posted this article on my FB today and it reminded me of this post.

https://lifehacker.com/how-to-deal-with-grief-when-you-still-have-to-work-1532387702

ikrystal · February 2014

gertiebarden said:

***siggy warning***

Someone posted this article on my FB today and it reminded me of this post.

https://lifehacker.com/how-to-deal-with-grief-when-you-still-have-to-work-1532387702

Great article. Easier said than done, obviously, but still worth reading.

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Tips for heading back to work?

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