Discouraged

drunkindonuts · February 2014

I need help, mamas. I've been away lately and I think it's because I'm in a funk that I desperately need to get out of. I'm so frustrated and discouraged with money/finances, ect. I feel like we're having a really hard time staying afloat. My husband and I both have degrees, he's a computer forensic analyst and an adjunct college professor and I'm a nurse. We own a house (not the house we want by any means; cost $143k), own a 2011 forester and a 2001 Saab (only owe on the forester). We have some consolidated credit card debt remaining from our wedding, survival through college (roughly 10k) and student loans. We literally barely eat each week. We don't buy new clothes or leisurely items, we don't eat out, we don't do anything. If DD needs new shoes, clothes, or wants something, we need to have saved for it (and we NEVER get anything for ourselves). I feel like a failure as a parent not being able to just go out and buy my daughter new shoes because hers don't fit. We were really planning on paying off our credit card debt with our income tax return, but we got back half of what we've received in the last two years so that won't be happening (which is the cause of most of my frustration). Are we the only ones struggling? I feel like the moms I work with and are associated with are always buying new handbags, clothes, household goods, expensive clothes for their little ones and we can't. What are we doing wrong? What do you moms do to budget/save money?

Rant over. I feel like a bum :'(

Jeffreysmom24 · February 2014

I am so sorry that y'all are having trouble, that must be so stressful. Do you use coupons? What about shopping at consignment stores - you have to dig but can find some good items there. Do you have any friends with kids that are a bit older? Maybe you could mention that if they don't have any use for clothes the kids have outgrown, you could use them (my friends and I pass around kids' clothes on a regular basis). Sorry I don't have more tips but good luck with everything!!

exc1tedforbaby1 · February 2014

I agree with those suggestions. We struggle. DS was a surprise.. I sold my car to get rid of the payment, bought my moms old one when she was going to trade it in and do get a small amount of state help that I'm not proud of but grately appreciate non the less. Mostly for childcare. We coupon like crazy and save every penny anywhere we can. It's not easy. I go back to school in 2 weeks and I hope that helps us. But yes, I feel line people I'm surrounded by are much better off than myself. Either because they work the system better. Or they lie.

piphigirl · February 2014

We are cheapskates, so maybe I can offer some tips!

1. Everything I buy for DD comes from either consignment stores (where I also resell) or Old Nave clearance with coupons. I have price "barriers" for items that I won't go over ($5 for a shirt, etc.), and I don't duplicate items. (For example, I bought one pair of jeans, one of khakis, and one of jeggings for last fall.)

2. DD gets one pair of brown Mary Janes until she grows out of them. These are a splurge as I buy at Stride Rite, but only sale or with coupons. This seems stingy, but they go with everything and she doesn't need more.

3. Set and stick to a budget every month. We have a dry erase board where we write things that need to go into the budget so we don't forget. (Like if I need a book for grad school or if DH wants to buy concert tickets.) We have fixed expenses that don't fluctuate (mortgage, Netflix, etc.) and others that we allot and stick to (groceries, gas.)

4. We have dedicated savings accounts for large expenses, like vacations, the summer tax bill, and birthday parties. Money is automatically transferred weekly.

5. Read some Dave Ramsey and do it. We read Total Money Makeover.

6. Cut back to eating out once a month. We have a big grocery budget so we can cook fun meals at home, like steak. That keeps us from going out too much. If friends want to meet for dinner, have them over instead. We have more fun dong that because it's easier with kids!

7. Coupons! Don't buy anything without one.

8. Could you cut cable? That saves us a ton of money. We just have the networks for news and stuff, but watch everything else on Netflix.

9. The library! We stopped buying books, movies, and music years ago. DH gets CDs from the library and rips the tracks onto his computer. We reserve movies we want to see from the library and I get books and ebooks there as well. Our entertainment budget is super low due to having a wonderful local library and using it. DD gets books there, as well. If she really likes one, I'll buy it for her from a used book store or get it as a Christmas gift.

10. Gift wisely. When DD's birthday or Christmas are approaching and people ask what she wants, I mention necessities first. I always ask for practical clothing in the next size up, pajamas, shoes, and books. She got some very nice outfits for Christmas so I won't have to buy her clothes until summer. One of our gifts to her was new shoes. Keep a list of items you are planning to buy for your DD so that when someone asks for gift ideas, you can say, "oh, she would really love some summer sandals in a size 6 and cute summer outfits in size 2T."

lynde129 · February 2014

I almost could have wrote this! We only have mortgage and my college loans as debt, but we are barely hanging on. I am a teacher and work pt at a grocery store, and DH works at an auto body shop we both literally work at least 60 hrs a week . It is astonishing to look at our tax returns and realize how much we actually made last year and have nothing to show for it!

We never spend money on ourselves, have not been on vacation since our honeymoon 4 years ago, I need to go back for my masters CT made it required, and we are eventually going to need a new car. It is like we work so hard and can not catch a break!

DH and I are feeling your frustrations because we do not live above our means just between health insurance (crappy HSA) student loans, taxes, town assessment bills, and just general cost of living items we practically break even!

Do you live in HCOL area?

sdlaura · February 2014

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I will tell you that it always feels like other people have more disposable income than you do, no matter what income bracket you're in. I'm assuming that you already have a list of every monthly expense and have cut wherever you can? Upped deductibles on your insurance? Evaluated your cable, cell phone packages, etc? You could also change tax deductions so that you get more money every paycheck but no refund each year. As a nurse, could you pick up more shifts? You are in no way a failure because you're struggling with money.

drunkindonuts · February 2014

Thanks for the suggestions. We've lowered our internet/cable packages to their lowest package, but may just end up canceling cable. We have a pretty decent discount on our cellphones, and no landline. We both claim single and zero dependents so we could change that to get more over the year. I may talk to our CPA about his suggestions regarding that.

I did use mint just to see where we're at with our spending awhile back, but then I had to cancel our account when DH found out and freaked out about potentially being hacked, haha.

I should mention I work PT. Daycare in our area is pretty high so we're within $100 loss for me losing 1 shift a week versus paying for daycare. DH does pick up any overtime available, and teaches when he can (I feel guilty not working more and him working OT, but he prefers it this way).

Thanks for the help, ladies.

katiejo1216 · February 2014

There isn't a day since DS was born that I don't feel some regrets over my spending habits before he was born. I agree with a lot of the suggestions above but mostly want to say that you aren't alone and you shouldn't connect your financial situation with your success as a parent at all. I grew up with very little and know how hard my mom worked to provide for me even though I didn't have the name brand clothes and incredible vacations, etc. to show for it. Hang in there!

alrighthamilton · February 2014

I feel this way sometimes too, more lately. I cut my hours back to half of what I worked before Kate, mainly because I wanted to stay home with her and also to avoid daycare costs. My husband works a ton of hours, and we make so much less now than before having a child. We live in a really ritzy neighborhood-like the house down the street from me has a pool, tennis court, and two Mercedes. Lots of houses in the neighborhood are like this. Ours is one of the cheapest in the neighborhood, and we bought it over ten years ago at a steal when the little old lady that lived in it forever wanted to move to Florida. We are in no means in the financial bracket most people here are. I clip coupons and always look through the ads, and never pay full price for anything, groceries included. I remind myself that our financial situation is temporary, because we aren't having more kids and I will pick up more hours once Kate starts kindergarten (it's full days here.) But like others have said, it in no way reflects your parenting. I grew up both wealthy and poor-like really poor, my mom was on welfare at one time. And I was happy and cared for in spite of our financial situation, which speaks to what an awesome mom I had. But I get it-it's really frustrating to feel like you are working just to barely stay afloat.

CoUnTryBB1 · February 2014

You are in no way a failure. I am sorry you are feeling this way, it is very stressful at times. If you decide to cut your cable, I suggest a $25 digital antenna from walmart (we have an RCA flat one). We used this instead of cable for three years before we got it to save money. My only suggestion would be to potentially look into a refinancing of your mortgage if you have to currently pay mortgage insurance premiums as interest rates are low and most refi's don't require this extra payment. You sound like you are doing everything you can, just hang in there and keep your head up.

AmySmolos · February 2014

I completely understand. We lived with my parents for almost 2 years to avoid more student loan debt. Now dh is done with school in May and we are living off only my income and I'm a social worker so it isn't much! We have cut everything we can, hardly buy anything for ourselves, but we still find money for essentials and some fun. I feel guilty all the time about not having more to give to ds but I remember my childhood and my parents didn't have a lot but we never felt like we didn't have what we needed and a lot of what we wanted. I've had people tell me that it's paycheck to paycheck until the kids are out of the house and on their own:( money stressed me out but I have a plan to pay off our car which is our third biggest payment every month within 1.5 years if dh getting a job and that gives me a reachable goal. You're not alone. I promise.

KEfam5 · February 2014

piphigirl said:

Read some Dave Ramsey and do it. We read Total Money Makeover.

This, this, this! Do it and stick with it.

vvvvvfee · February 2014

i can totally relate! DH and i both work full-time, but we live in a HCOL area-- daycare is outrageous, we have the mortgage, and DH has a large student loan payment from his undergrad/grad degrees. i feel like we're barely scraping by. we don't do anything extravagant, either. we haven't been on a real vacation in 5 years and rarely eat out. we do want to have a 2nd kid, but i can't wrap my mind around how it will work unless something changes. i agree with PPs that people buying lots of stuff often can't afford it either, and are just racking up credit card debt. i try to tell myself that it will get better once our kid(s) are out of f/t daycare, that it's only a few more years.

RE couponing-- my favorite site is https://www.livingrichwithcoupons.com/ but if you're not in the northeast there may be a better one for your area-- they show all the match-ups between what's on sale at your supermarket and available coupons. if your supermarket doubles coupons, you can get a lot of items for free and not send a lot of time on it.

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