WWPAL do? / venty

anitaflora · February 2014

I can make a million excuses for them.

My aunt was planning to see us right after Christmas. And she was planning to see us right after his birthday (and just cancelled).

My father is 86 and has very poor finances right now and I really don't expect much from him.

My brother there just is no excuse.

These are the only people in my family (as in not my inlaws or husband) that are left alive that I'm even slightly close with. My brother not at all anymore really anyway so I don't know.

But here's the thing. Not one. Single. Christmas card or birthday card sent to my son. Not one. From any of them. Not even a handmade one.

None of them even called us on Christmas. My father called today and only because my son happened to be there and I was the one who requested it did he even get on the phone and wish him a happy birthday.

I'm really hurt and angry about this.

And I don't know how to get rid of that. Do I just do nothing and carry that around with me? Do I let them know I think that's really crappy? What good would that do? I can't think of any. I am not one to want to cause someone else to feel badly. I just honestly don't know what to do with this emotion.

And it's not the first year this has happened with one or more of them on one or the other.

But really?? None of them?? Even a card for either occasion?? A one dollar card even??

Okay. Vent over. But really what would PAL do? How would you try to resolve the anger and hurt about this?

Thanks ladies. I really appreciate your thoughts.

anitaflora · February 2014

Jessiebug81 said:
Not sure if my opinion will be a popular one, but here it goes. I feel like your son is a gift. It they are not making any effort or showing any interest then let them go. You can't force it and the last thing you want to do is try and have them flake out after he's gotten to know him. It sucks and it hurts, but maybe he's better off not knowing them? Are they present in your life? Like actively participating?

As for resolving your feelings, a lot depends on the answer to that last question. You want to surround yourself with people who want to be in your life, not people tolerating you. You deserve better. Letting go is easier said than done but may be the best for your heart. Focus on that sweet boy.

And tell him happy birthday from all of us! <:-P </p>

Thank you so much for your reply and thoughts about it.

It's hard to answer how much they're in our lives in any kind of short way - ugh just so much crap I don't want to babble on and on about.

I'm apologizing profusely in advance because I just can't seem to make this short.

But I understand what you're saying. And I really, really appreciate your post and thoughtfulness behind it.

I actually wish I could just completely not need to have to interact with my brother at all, but as my father is still living and we are trying to get him moved to live with me and my family, I have to. Basically as long as my father's living I have to have some level of relationship with him. If that weren't the case, I would never let someone speak to me and treat me the way my brother has. So as far as my brother, yes, better off in some ways but it becomes difficult when we have to see him at the rare "family" event which is just him and his family and my aunt and her family.

My dad I love dearly and with him I think it's just that he doesn't realize quite how important it is to me. I think he just sort of takes it for granted... That it's not a big deal. I think my dad is just truly oblivious. He doesn't have my mom around anymore (she passed to remind him or make him put it together And so it angers me and hurts me but at the same time I cut him a lot of slack because he's 86 after all!

As for my aunt, I've always been closer with her and especially more since my mom died (it's her sister). And lately I've just felt really hurt by a couple things with her. I've talked with her a good bit about my losses and moving ahead with IVF and she just basically didn't talk to me at all about it. Saying that she wanted to talk to me in person. But then this came up and that came up and we haven't been able to get together since Thanksgiving. So I've had a really hard time with that because it ends now with her just not talking to me about it at all when I need her support more than just about anyone (other than my husband).

So sorry that was long. The short answer is that my brother is only in my life in order to deal with things related to my dad. My dad I am close with and he's in my life but just obviously getting older and more needs me to care for him than him to be supporting me right now.

And my aunt I definitely want to have our close relationship back but am feeling really, really hurt by the way things have gone with her lately. I did actually talk to her today and share my feelings about all of that. I know she felt bad... I made sure she knew that I knew that none of what she's done has been to intentionally hurt me but just that I still had to share with her how upset I was that she's not talked to me at all about the IVF decision, not called us on Christmas, and now is missing his birthday party which she said she was coming to. She says that their cars are not that reliable to make the two hour trip in what might be bad weather. Ugh. I don't know what to think.

And I'm really sorry this is so long. I just couldn't seem to cut it down.

Thank you for reading all of this.

Mmm79 · February 2014

I am sorry that you are in this position. It's not fair, but unfortunately that doesn't always matter.

I think that you know who these people are, so set your expectations from there. With my parents, I finally made peace with who they are. They are not perfect- far from it. There's not enough time or space to get into here, but something that helped me several years ago was making the decision to not expect too much. I have to accept them for who they are, even if it's not who I want them to be. A lot of my turmoil came from setting myself up to expect them to act as I thought they should and then being disappointed. They do a lot of stupid, annoying, and completely off-the wall stuff, but that's them.. And I can't change them. But I can change the way I react to them. Does that make sense?

anitaflora · February 2014

Jessiebug81 said:

I totally understand. Sound like maybe things will be a little easier with your dad if he's living there? And maybe you and your aunt can sit down face to face and talk. Explaining to her the importance of her involvement to you may just do the trick. I hope my first response didn't come off as insensitive. I just know how hard it can be to try and make someone be the family member you want.

No - your response definitely didn't come across to me that way! Thank you so much

anitaflora · February 2014

Thank you so much to all of you ladies - I really appreciate your words of advice. Yes, I completely agree about just needing to change my expectations. I feel like it's a frequent mantra of mine, "don't rely on people who aren't reliable."

But it sucks when you think they'll be reliable about something like this - at least a little bit. I guess I'm just saying with my brother, I'm not surprised, just still hurt by it. And I feel like no matter how much I lower my expectations, I just get slammed with realizing I have to lower them further.

Thank you so much for your support - I really appreciate being able to vent about this. Party was a great success though! And everyone had fun I think!

adoxyinherear · February 2014

I am so sorry your family is making you feel so lousy. DH's parents and my parents both go on and on about how much they love DD and how much they want to see her and be a part of her life, but they very rarely make the effort. MIL lives in Texas and will actually come into town and not make it a point to see us, because she's too busy doing her own thing. It is INCREDIBLY difficult to accept, because I want DD to feel like she has a big family who cares about her.

But I'm with @Jessiebug81, you can't change who they are, and chances are you're getting a lot more invested in these emotions than they are. You can tell them how you feel, but I don't know if it will change things. Your situation could be different than mine, though.

So many hugs. I know it's hard.

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