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Still Not Excited

knirish1knirish1 member
in Pregnant after a Loss
I'm almost 23 weeks now and definitely looking and feeling pregnant. I can feel him moving, kicking and elbowing me-- all of the things that brought wonder and amazement previously. So far, everything has looked great at all our doctors' appointments and scans. All of this, and yet, I am still not excited. I still don't feel like I will actually have a son in June. We lost our daughter at 40 weeks, so I will never get past the point where we lost her and be able to breathe a sigh of relief that everything is fine. Is anybody else in the same boat? I feel guilty that I'm not happy and grateful to be pregnant again with a seemingly healthy baby. 
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Re: Still Not Excited

  • toomanycats1toomanycats1 member
    I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter.  It sounds like everything is going well with your DS though, and continuing to worry won't change the outcome.  You might as well try and enjoy the rest of your pregnant time with him, because you'll have a snuggly baby soon, and you won't be able to get back this one on one time with him in your belly.     

    That said I won't let myself get too excited either (it's still really early though).  Every time I start to, I make myself "pull back".  I'm going to try and think of that Garth Brooks song "The Dance" in those moments, because this time might be all I have with this baby and I want to enjoy it.    

    Me: Endometriosis, PCOS, Insulin Resistance, Estrogen Dominance, Irregular Cycles
    DH:  100% Abnormal Sperm Morphology
     BFP #1 (Surprise!)  "Monkey"- 09/16/2006. DS born 06/01/2007.   
    BFP #2  "Quinn" EDD 06/21/13- MMC @ 8 weeks - Disc. 12/12/12 @ 13w0d 
    BFP #3  "Luna" EDD 03/31/14- MC 07/29/13 @ 5 w0d 
    BFP #4  "Star" EDD 07/06/14- MC 11/28/13 @ 8 weeks
    BFP #5 "Baby J"- 02/07/14. DS born 10/29/2014 My Rainbow!
    ~Everyone Welcome~

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  • SkeemerSkeemer member

    I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

    There have been times I've been excited & even more times I've held my breath. You don't need to guilt yourself or feel ashamed for how you feel. You've been through a lot of trauma. You've been through a huge loss.

    I had to come to the place where I told myself that my son (the angel we lost) & this baby (sex still unknown) love me enough to never put any pressure on me. Neither of them want me to hurt & neither of them want me to push myself beyond what I can be in any moment.

    It's not wrong of you not to be excited. It's fear. It's the trauma. It's the hurt. It's the grief. It will change once you deliver this healthy baby. That's your milestone. That's what you need to help you heal. To hold your precious newborn. And when that time comes...nothing will be able to take your joy for this baby away.

    Be easy on yourself mama. I'm sending love & prayers your way.


        




     

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  • mmsweeney1mmsweeney1 member
    I would say I know how you feel, but I am only 13 weeks after losing our son at the end too. I do know exactly what you mean when you say you don't feel like you will be taking home a baby after all this. It's really hard to take the leap to believe we'll have the outcome that it seems everyone else gets after a pregnancy. I hope the relief just takes over once you have your new baby and you'll be free to finally feel the happiness.

    first son stillborn 7/20/13 at 39 weeks due to Acute Fatty Liver of Pregnancy
    It's a girl! Baby Anna was born August 3, 2014!

     
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