Need Advice regarding friend experiencing miscarriage

dimitjm1 · February 2014

Hi everyone...I'm mostly a lurker here, but introduced myself early on and trying to participate more. I know that a lot of ladies have experienced loss on this board, and that there have been several recent losses. My heart breaks for each one who has gone through this. One of my oldest and dearest friends called me on Saturday to share the news that she was pregnant. They had been trying for the past 5 months or so, she had been feeling discouraged because several of her close friends are currently pregnant, and she felt like she and her husband "weren't good at making babies" (her words, not mine), so I was so happy for her! However, during the same call she told me she was having some bleeding and she had been to the OB twice in the last week for blood work. She was six weeks yesterday, and went back to OB for an ultrasound. They saw a gestational sac and yolk sac, but no fetal pole. The doctor told her it didn't look good, sent her for another hcg level, and said don't be surprised if you lose the baby before results come back. I tried to be encouraging and give her a little hope -maybe she wasn't as far along as she thought. However, she texted me last night to let me know she had bright red bleeding and was passing clots. While miscarriage has not been confirmed, it looks sounds like it will be soon. So far, I've offered to listen if/when she wants to talk and have told her to call at any time. I've said I'm sorry she is going through this and that it sucks. I was thinking of sending her a thinking of you card and possibly a small care package with some cookies and a funny movie -The Heat- to hopefully make her laugh, when she needs a break from her thoughts. Is this a good idea? Do you think I should just back off a little or express my care and concern in some other way? Any suggestions on ways to show her I'm here for her? FYI, we live about 1.5 hours apart, so I can't really just drop by with a meal or anything like that.

MamaTree17 · February 2014

It sounds like you two are very close and she's been very open with you about what she's going through. That alone makes me think she would appreciate getting a care package from you. I have been in a similar situation with my SIL in the past and I always took her cues for how much she wanted to talk about it.

dimitjm1 · February 2014

Rachel5130 said:

Oh this makes me so sad. I lost a baby around the same time a long time ago. It is terrible because just as you begin to accept it is finally real and get excited, it is gone. I think it really depends on her. I didn't want anyone or anything around. I just wanted to grieve on my own. What is she like normally when sad or mad? Does she normally need her space to sort things out or is she the cry-on-your-shoulder types? Either way, you're a wonderful friend for trying to help her grieve. I hope she can find some peace soon. Edit words

Well, yesterday after her appt, she just texted and said she didn't feel like talking. We texted back and forth a few times throughout the night. I want to give her space, but I want her to know I care. I'd offer to come hang out with her over the weekend, but if I was in her position I'm not sure id want to be around my obviously pregnant friend. If I weren't pregnant currently I think that I would visit, bring her some wine and just listen, but in my current state, I'm not sure what to do.

otter1103 · February 2014

So sad but yes, it does sound like you're close so I would think she'd appreciate the care package. I had a missed miscarriage summer and while it was nice to have people around who cared, the one I did get tired of being asked if I was okay or how I was doing. That may have just been my own reaction. But it did sometimes make me go from being ok and managing to weepy and sad by being asked that. Not saying she'll be the same but I just wanted to put that out there.

gregsgurl81304 · February 2014

Im so sorry that your friend is experiencing this. I too lost my first baby at 13wks and it was the hardest time in my life, but I think everything you suggested are perfect ideas.

I think sending her a thinking of you card and a care package is a perfect place to start to let her know that you love her, and are thinking of her, but you are still giving her, her space to grieve.

Her heart will begin to heal, and Im willing to bet you will be one of the first people she goes.

It sounds to me you are a really great friend.

hubbs173 · February 2014

The care package is a great idea! I received a few cards after I had a miscarriage over the summer. I appreciated everyone's support but at the same time I needed some space to grieve with my DH. It took me a little bit to be able to talk about it without crying. When she's ready to talk she will!

Kinipela7 · February 2014

I think a small care package or even just sending a card would be a great idea! Just let her know that you are there when she needs to talk and you are thinking of her. That is perfect! If she does want to talk about it, she will approach you.

Sareynoo · February 2014

I don't have any experience with this but I think it's a great idea. She will be happy that you're thinking of her. You sound like a great friend!

Lindsleigh77 · February 2014

Having experienced a loss personally I definitely appreciated the friend who took the time to come and see me, bring treats (like wine) and just some comfort. It was just what I needed. Follow your gut, go see your friend and bring a care package or something to let her know you are here for her. Its a tough spot to be in. You are a great friend for thinking of her feelings.

babygabe614 · February 2014

Like PPs said, I think your care package and card idea are very sweet and thoughtful. I would keep @amoot890's suggestions in mind and give her things she can "get rid of" so to speak, so there isn't a constant reminder of the MC for her. I think cookies, card, and a movie like you suggested sounds great.

I'm very sorry for your friend's loss. She is lucky to have you.

abastian00 · February 2014

Agreed with PPs - a care package is a wonderful idea. It's just enough to show her you love her without infringing on her personal space if she needs some time to grieve. So sorry for her loss, but so glad she has a friend like you!

ahastin1 · February 2014

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. For you, it can be a difficult situation to maneuver around. On the one hand, you want to grab your friend and hug her tightly, but on the other, she may not want that right now. I like your care package idea and just kind of follow her lead. Send a quick "hey" text her way from time to time and see how she responds. Some days she may feel like talking, others maybe not. But if you extend your hand, at least that reminds her from time to time that she is not alone.

TheMrs820 · February 2014

I agree with PP... The care package is a great idea. It will allow her to heal & open up in her own time. She is lucky to have a friend like you.

SA1112 · February 2014

I think a care package and a heartfelt card is a wonderful idea. You sound like a great friend. Could I maybe suggest a gift card for food since you aren't close enough to bring by a meal? I know after my miscarriages the last thing I wanted to do was cook and we ended up ordering in a lot.

I would continue to give her space since it will probably be difficult for her to talk to you since you're pregnant but I would text her every once in a while to let her know you're still thinking of her. I think one of the worst parts of the experience was feeling like people had forgotten and I was always so touched when someone reached out to check on me even months after my losses.

dimitjm1 · February 2014

Thanks for all the replies ladies! I really appreciate your comments and suggestions.

kibean · February 2014

SA1112 said:

I think a care package and a heartfelt card is a wonderful idea. You sound like a great friend. Could I maybe suggest a gift card for food since you aren't close enough to bring by a meal? I know after my miscarriages the last thing I wanted to do was cook and we ended up ordering in a lot. I would continue to give her space since it will probably be difficult for her to talk to you since you're pregnant but I would text her every once in a while to let her know you're still thinking of her. I think one of the worst parts of the experience was feeling like people had forgotten and I was always so touched when someone reached out to check on me even months after my losses.

This is almost word for word what I was going to say. Also, hang in there if she reacts unexpectedly in any way. People all deal with grief differently and miscarriage is often different from other losses because it can feel so isolating.

jenandbrett · February 2014

Ok, I haven't read all the replies, but here are my thoughts. A daily, "I'm thinking of you and I love you" text is awesome, just tell her upfront you don't expect a reply unless she just wants to. A care package is awesome, but yes, consumables are the best. I don't think a visit is a bad idea at all. Just make the entire visit totally about loving on her and don't come even close to bringing up your pregnancy. I just spent a lot of time with my pregnant sister in law and it was very hard at times (when she talked about her labor/baby plans) but also so good to be able to sit with my friend and see how much she cares. Gift cards are also an awesome idea. I think you are doing a great job. She obviously isn't afraid to share her pain with you even though you are still pregnant. She trusts you with her feelings. That's a big deal.

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